Gloomy, sad, anxious, lonely - just want to tell someone

[[Ca...]]

That's the beauty in a support group...we get it...we're there or we've been there (or we're headed there...omg  ).  We understand the fear, the apprehension, the need for reassurance.  I try not to appear cavalier about people's symptoms because I know how scary it is when you're in the depths of it.  I also already know you'll get through it and recover.  And I know what recovery looks like because I'm there.  I won't say it's worth going through this process to gain some appreciation for life and health, but it's close!  You'll do this and when it's over life will be brighter than ever.

 

And we won't give up on you. 

Challis, this is beautiful. I know it was intended for Duesie but I am sure it speaks to all. Another benzo lie is we are not worthy of support and attention. I appreciate your final comment...we won't give up on you.

Knowing you and others have felt this way is tremendously helpful.

Love,

Carita

[[Du...]]

To each of you again, thanks so much.  (I know I keep saying that.  I'm not sure how else to express how much it means to me.)

 

In many ways I don't want to say goodbye to you guys just yet.  I was thinking a bit ago (happens every once in a while) about how spooky this can really be!  I don't know but I assume you've all experienced not only the anxiety, panic attacks, the physical pain, etc., but also the depression.  Boy that's the worst.  When you're in it you just plain don't remember what it's like not to be in it.  Moreover, and Clarita I like your letter idea but I'll be honest, I have sticky notes everywhere telling me how special I am and in that really bad gloomy mood, ooooh, they don't mean anything.  I'd go so far as to say that I probably didn't feel even close to that bad today or I wouldn't have been able to post this string and get all of your great feedback.  It really is wonderful.  I can't begin to go back and cite all of the different bits of hopefulness I got out of your comments (although one of them, the one that suggests my brain is perhaps already healing as I go down, REALLY picked me up!). 

 

But then you remember that you've sat for hours or even days just staring at the ground.  THAT level of gloominess is beyond any words!  And you can't tell a doctor or a therapist about it because (a) even if you could put it in words, then (b) they'd throw you in a hospital and you'd be right back where you started. (Maybe that's a little strong but I've heard the stories and I've talked to "the nutters" enough to be pretty wary.)  I've had this experience; maybe you have too, where you've said simply, "I'm not okay here" and the response from the therapist is almost incomprehensible.  "Do you think you need to get some help?"  We'll, YEAH:)! But that's why I'm talking to you and I sure don't want the kind of help I think you're suggesting.  And so you just keep it inside and pray like mad and "try".  I have in the past literally just started walking down the street in a direction for reasons I don't even understand because I simply don't know what else to do.  And I look back at those moments and think, "what the heck?!"  "What if the next time I'm not so lucky?"  It really is amazing.

 

I'm certain that a TON of people on this site, and a whole lot more out there who aren't on this site, know this feeling of abject hopelessness, whether its benzo related or otherwise.  I've read a pretty good description of it once by a guy who experienced it.  I couldn't do that description justice.  But what strikes me about the phenomenon is the aspect of it being almost pure luck that you get through it and live to describe it.  Because when you are in it, and you just "start walking," you do so almost without any comprehension of the notion that the hopelessness will pass. It's as if you had no more say over the fact that it passed than you would have had over whether or not you got cancer and survived it.  And you don't know, I don't think, at the time that you're doing anything actively to survive it.  You're just "doing."

 

I understand how helpful this site is NOW, because I'm in a place in these mood swings where I can digest what you've all written and gain strength and hope from it (and I hope someday to be the guy giving out support to others like you are doing).  But what does one do when he or she is not in that "place?"  That is where I see the real deficiency (and I don't know if it's anyone's fault, although I sure don't think benzos are the answer) of psychiatric "help."  In some ways it seems like a myth; as if at some point on the spectrums of logic and hope there is a spot where the difference between those who make it and those who don't is almost a matter of luck.

 

Geez, that was gloomy.  Kinda wish I hadn't taken you all down that road.  But I sometimes try to work this through by writing it out.  I now have some real hesitancy about posting it because I don't want to bring others down and make it seem COMPLETELY hopeless.  I will say that friendships, relationships, and for me even the power of prayer has mattered, I think.  You do wish though that you could make a therapist or psychiatrist, the ones who put you on the benzos, understand, especially when you're in that state of pain.  Maybe they do, and I'm not giving them enough credit, as I've said.  But I don't think benzos were helpful.  And what really mystifies me is that no one in the profession, at least that I've found, seems to think they are the the larger part of the problem.

 

Okay, I'll shut up now. 

 

Sorry.  And thank you all again for getting me through this day.  Right now, I DO feel HOPE!

 

Duesie

[[Du...]]

Challis, Carita and Lizie (and others who wrote such hopeful messages today),

 

If I could I'd take back my last post about the gloominess of depression, I really would.  I'm very sorry.  Your messages today were so hopeful, saying YOU KNOW that it will get better.  I guess I really do believe that, deep down in my heart, and I shouldn't have taken away from the messages of hope and support, and that you would not give up on me.  I'll try to keep it more positive. 

 

Thanks again,

Duesie

[[Ca...]]

Duesie,

  I am glad you posted about deep depression. It can be a part of withdrawal and needs mention. I have felt such despair and knowing I am not alone is reassuring. I agree, it is the worst.

  We are going to be fine Duesie...in time we will celebrate our wellness. Goodnight, may you sleep well with hopeful dreams.

Carita

[[Du...]]

Thank you Carita.  It's so very nice to hear those words: "we are going to be fine."

 

I do hope you've had a good (or at least always better) day.

 

Duesie 

[[Ki...]]

Hello Duesie 

 

PLEASE don't stop yourself from writing what you feel is "depressing" or anything "gloomy"!! For one thing, it is HOW YOU FEEL. That is what this forum is about.

 

I myself NEED to read things such as you just wrote, as I am sure others do as well, because it shows me that I am NOT ALONE IN HOW I VERY OFTEN FEEL!

 

Don't censor your posts and try to be "upbeat" if you feel like crap! Post it! Believe me, posts with descriptions such as yours, HELPED me when I felt bad, and they STILL DO. I NEED to hear these feelings from others.

 

So please, do not ever feel you need to not "bring people down" on here. More times than not, I can ONLY read the posts where people are feeling badly.

 

I am not happy that anyone feels badly, but like I said, it shows me that I am not alone in how I feel, and it validates my feelings.

 

Kimba 

[[Du...]]

Hi Kimba and thanks for writing.  I appreciate your encouragement to go ahead and just say what I'm feeling.  I felt so hopeful yesterday after hearing from challis, Lizie, Clarita (and I think some others had really encouraging comments too.)  Things like, "we will get better."  "Yes, that is withdrawal much more than it is 'you'." or even better, and I loved this, "not that I think going through all of this is necessarily worth it, but having gone through this, when it's over, life will be even brighter...."  (I am paraphrasing these comments but I think they are pretty accurate.). I was almost high I felt so encouraged.

 

Perhaps it's part of my personality type, but I've always sort of believed that you get out of deep depressions or high anxieties by "doing things" that aren't all that comfortable or even enjoyable.  You just do them and then life sort of organically turns in your favor.  It doesn't feel that way to me so much anymore.  I really get concerned by that.  It's just absolutely amazing to me that I could go from such a hopeful place yesterday to such deep gloom in such short of a period of time. 

[[Ch...]]

Hi Kimba and thanks for writing.  I appreciate your encouragement to go ahead and just say what I'm feeling.  I felt so hopeful yesterday after hearing from challis, Lizie, Clarita (and I think some others had really encouraging comments too.)  Things like, "we will get better."  "Yes, that is withdrawal much more than it is 'you'." or even better, and I loved this, "not that I think going through all of this is necessarily worth it, but having gone through this, when it's over, life will be even brighter...."  (I am paraphrasing these comments but I think they are pretty accurate.). I was almost high I felt so encouraged.

 

Perhaps it's part of my personality type, but I've always sort of believed that you get out of deep depressions or high anxieties by "doing things" that aren't all that comfortable or even enjoyable.  You just do them and then life sort of organically turns in your favor.  It doesn't feel that way to me so much anymore.  I really get concerned by that.  It's just absolutely amazing to me that I could go from such a hopeful place yesterday to such deep gloom in such short of a period of time.

 

It doesn't surprise me, Duesie...it is the nature of this beast.  I felt like you do now, but it's gone.  Yours will be, too.  This is 90% a waiting game.  Keep posting, keep reading the support.  It helps, even if it's temporary. 

 

Yesterday afternoon I had one of those periods of pure unadulterated joy of life...no reason for it.  I honestly thought I'd never have that feeling again.  Things do turn around.  Hang on. 

 

Challis 

[[Du...]]

It's me again.  Trying to stay off the site a bit more and just wait.  Trying not to give up.  I'm at a friend's house today, instead of a Starbucks.  It still feels gloomy.  It's rare, but every once in a while I feel a little sense of hope that I won't always be feeling this lonely and I there'll be a "natural" sense of "I'm ok. I feel happy enough and this isn't a forced smile.  I'm at 4.25mgs valium, that's just a little less than 90% down from the 2mgs of Xanax XR (if I understand this correctly) in about 14 months time I think ... maybe a little longer than that. I think I've taken it pretty slowly.  I keep hoping some of the really deep depression and anxiety and even the achiness (Lizie called it "benzo-flu" and now phrase makes some sense to me), might just begin to subside a bit toward the end, because it sometimes feels like the 6 months to 2 years or more ahead to taper and "heal" is an awfully long time to continue to feel this way and I'm almost afraid of going down to the next level now.  I used to feel a bit of accomplishment when I went down.) 

 

I know there are a lot of folks on here who are suffering pretty badly and so I don't mean to wallow in a way that diminishes how badly others might be feeling.  But, I just wanted again to tell someone how I feel today.  It's like this almost everyday.  I keep losing faith.  I worry that's it's more of a bad personality trait of mine rather ... not being able to remain hopeful ... "Never give up Hope" is my tagline.   

 

Thanks,

Duesie