The Xanax Club, Let Us Know How You Are Feeling Today

[[La...]]

Hi Guys, man this is just confusing. As that's where I'm at right now, confused. Still the 4:00 am wake up and rattled. That's now settled into a fog and depression and it's not even 10:00am. Tears and frustration coated in self pity. Am not having a good morning at all. Want to get things done, need to get things done and just typing is difficult.

 

Hey G1, it's just not right. I'm getting close to just going off the deep end here. Went to walk my dogs and made it one block is all and had to come back home. It's taking me forever just to type a sentence.

Hi K and thank you so much. Just wish it would realise this is not going any where and would exit my body. I feel as though I need priest to perform an exorcism. It's pure evil and just keeps taunting me.

 

I'm so tired and not just from the lack of sleep. Am tired of it all and how it's put my entire life on hold. I'm not able to go out and conduct myself in a business like manner on a daily basis yet. Twentysix months today and it's literally kicking me in the teeth. Can't even walk my dogs today.

[[...]]

Hello Lakeside and Everyone

 

 

  Sorry for the delay in me getting on the site. Been out of the country for about a month, into the South Pacific  for some relaxation and to get the head into the the real world. Lakeside, stay on top of everything, we all get into that mold, it's not pretty, but we all get threw them.

 

  How are you doing today? Hope all the crazy stuff is in the past. I had a touch of it. Being in the planes for so long takes it tolls. But with a strong mine, I get threw the Jet Lag and settle back down on Earth. Hang in there, you will be okay. My crazy moments come and go too. It's good that you let everyone know this. It seems to let out all our emotions and crazy thoughts. Stay tight and just keep in mine hat there will be and end to this madness.

 

 

    Godspeed to you and everyone else.. 

 

 

 

Rocket

[[La...]]

Hi Rocket, glad you're home safe n sound. Hope you enjoyed yourself, you sure deserved it.

 

I was here once already and made a post. Must be that's how far out there I am, as I have no idea why it didn't post. I actually made it to bed early lastnight and am paying the price for it today. Was 11:00 when I hit the hay and was WIDE awake by 2:00. Got up and that's where it's been since. Was really rattled at first and now that has subsided. I'm exhausted and on edge as well. Feels like a balancing act is what I'm doing. I feel so far out there and am so tired. My whole body has a mild vibration to it right now. Something I haven't experienced as of yet. I've also begun to feel a lot of joint pain in my knee's, ankles and right wrist now. Cog fog is hitting as I'm noticing I'm not making decisons well. Like to change the channel on the tv or what to say here next.

[[La...]]

Man, this is ridiculous. Morning after morning of this out of it feeling when getting up. Am so distant, out there, on edge every morning right out of bed. I feel rattled, uneasy about things and my mind is racing. This morning I keep smelling something as if it's burning. Been searching the house and everything is fine. I've not had any sort of problems with my smelling until now and I do not have a cold. I cannot stop yawning and yet feel rather high strung. I have that feeling of not knowing how much more I can withstand here. Lastnight I was reading where people are talking 4 yrs out. I have no interest in 2 more years of this in my life. It isn't even a life right now. I can't go out and function, can't even work due to the mindset and insecurity along with everything else. I'm scattered and not focused. Arrrrggggh

[[cr...]]

4 AM must be the magic time, because I was up then, too.  Also up at 1 and at 3  :-)  Slept a little from 5-6 thanks to some melatonin, slept from about midnight to 3 thanks to 75 mg trazadone (been prescribed for years and years now).  I feel like I'm just one step ahead of an anxiety breakdown.  But somehow, I get through each minute.  Able to hyperfocus at work, so I'm getting lots done.  Reorganized my closet at home.  By late afternoon my shoulders are up to my ears, my jaw clenched and I'm ready to strangle the insecure, needy, chatty guy at work.  I put on headphones and/or pretend to be on a conference call so that I don't have to chit chat.  I have to keep reminding myself that every slight (the bank mishandles a transaction, somebody cuts me off on the sidewalk) doesn't mean that the universe is imploding and everyone is out to get me.  Each day is a slog.  But my dose is smaller than it was six weeks ago, even smaller still from six months ago.  Forward.

[[th...]]

4 AM must be the magic time, because I was up then, too.  Also up at 1 and at 3  :-)  Slept a little from 5-6 thanks to some melatonin, slept from about midnight to 3 thanks to 75 mg trazadone (been prescribed for years and years now).  I feel like I'm just one step ahead of an anxiety breakdown.  But somehow, I get through each minute.  Able to hyperfocus at work, so I'm getting lots done.  Reorganized my closet at home.  By late afternoon my shoulders are up to my ears, my jaw clenched and I'm ready to strangle the insecure, needy, chatty guy at work.  I put on headphones and/or pretend to be on a conference call so that I don't have to chit chat.  I have to keep reminding myself that every slight (the bank mishandles a transaction, somebody cuts me off on the sidewalk) doesn't mean that the universe is imploding and everyone is out to get me.  Each day is a slog.  But my dose is smaller than it was six weeks ago, even smaller still from six months ago.  Forward.

 

Good job!! 

 

G

[[La...]]

Finally, a morning with cognitive thoughts, no fear, no panic, no frustration. Am tired, but it's a joy to feel this way. Not sure if it's just another mild letting up stage, or if it's gonna turn into a window. Doesn't matter really, as where I'm at now psychologically, I'll take any day over what I've become accustomed too. I'm not rattled, nor depressed, no frustration nor irritability. I'm not all mellowed out, but am with it, for the moment anyway. It's c o l d out there too. The wind is blowing pretty hard and it's nearly zero with steam coming off the lake and it looks pretty to be honest. Dogs are really wanting to go for a walk but I'm just feeling good, not crazy, lol.

 

Yeah cricketbetty, that 4:00 am wake up gets old. But we just go with the flow, all we can do. I was taking trazodone too for sleep, but have now gotten it off my list of meds. It didn't seem to be helping me with this insomnia. Don't know how you folks can work and I have to hand it to you. Functioning at a professional level has been far beyond my grasp.

[[li...]]

hi all,please can you give your input

[[li...]]

currently on 0.1526mg xanax daily,usually 0.0625 at 08:30 the 0.0312mg at noon and 0.0625 at 5pm,ive cut from 0.187mg 4 days ago,is this cut ok,can i continue cutting this much at a time?not sure what dose (morning or afternoon)to cut next?as im scared the doses are to far apart.ive been on 0.187mg for two years now,tapered over a couple of months from 0.75mg,started my taper two months after basically c/t off prozac,was on both for 9 years

[[...]]

Hello Lakeside

 

  Hang in there my friend, just dig in and go with the flow, try not to over think it! You will drive yourself batty. I did enjoy myself there on vocation, but when I got back here, the cog hit the brain once again. I think that it could have been from the jet lag. Just crazy for me.

 

  I feel for you, and can say that I know what you are going threw. Was there n the past, got better, and then presto changooooo, back to almost the beginning. What the hell, I'm just going with it. And I don't think that anyone can tell you how long your recovery will take. I do believe that the brain will get better with timeeeeeeeeeeee, but everyone is different. So hang in there for now.

 

  I'm going to call theses Pharmacuitcal companies in the next week or two and see if I can get some straight answers from them. And if not, going to call the FDA, and see what the hell they know about Benzos, and what the hell we can do about getting our brains back in order.

 

  But in the mean time, stay frosty and try some herbal teas to help you out. The melatonin helps me sleep sometimes when I get opened eyed.

 

 

Godspeed to you and everyone else.   

 

 

Rocket

 

 

[[va...]]

{{{{{{{LakeSide}}}}}}}

 

I wish I was there so I could give you a great, big hug.      I'm so happy you're finally having a good day!  I hope it continues at least for a few days or weeks.  You certainly deserve it.  Sending huge vibrations of love energy your way. 

 

Oh yes, and about the sleep thing, my sleep is so messed up currently.  I went 2 1/2 days with no sleep recently, and almost went back to the CT experience I had when I accidentally ran out of pills, which led me to here and tapering to get off this evil drug.  I went to the health food store and bought a bunch of loose herbs and made my own tea blend.  It knocks me out some of the time, other times, not so much.  I also use benedryl sometimes.  I used to drink Yogi Bedtime tea, but it's way cheaper to make the tea blend myself.  Do you know anything about herbs?  I could give the recipe, if you want.  (I can't take trazadone, it gives me horrific slasher nightmares.)

 

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lindeic, I'm not that low yet in my dose, so I don't feel qualified to advise you.  I will say that many of the xanax users here who jumped made cuts of .0625 throughout their journey, and they jumped once they got to 0.625.

 

How many days do you hold before cutting, and how much are you cutting?  That information would be helpful.  Also, what symptoms are you experiencing?

 

As to your fear about doses being too far apart, it's different for everyone.  I dose twice a day, cut every 10 days or so, and I've been cutting .125mg each time I cut.  Now I'm below 1mg I'll start cutting .0625mg every 7-10 days.  Some people only dose once/day, and some spread it out over 3 or 4 or even 6 times/day.  Perhaps some of the people who've already jumped will chime in here and advise you.  But don't let your fear rule you.  Fear is the mind-killer.  (Or as the quote goes... )

 

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

 

**************

 

So I cut yesterday, and I did my usual cut of .125mg, and today I was going to adjust it to a 0.625 cut this morning, but I woke up all drowsy, and accidentally took my dose WAY too early and I took .375 instead of increasing to .4375, which would have been a cut of .0625.  I think I'm just going to stay with it.  So far it seems to be fine.  It's more than a 10% cut since I'm below 1mg/day now, but oh well.  The only other option is to adjust the evening dose, and that dose has been the same for over almost 2 weeks now, so I think that might not be a good idea.  Was this confusing?  lol 

 

Namaste.

 

~K    :smitten:

[[La...]]

Hey Rocket, a hanging I am my man. It's been a good day, not overly motivated, yet it was one where I just enjoyed not being overly anxious nor below the bellows of hell. Was nice to feel somewhat relaxed for a change, thank you kind sir. Like you said, go with the flow. At times, I go against the flow and that's when it gets tough. Even when it was hitting hard, I use to tell myself to just go with it. Now that I'm a little past that point, I don't want to go with it, I want to lead. I know, you know what I mean there.

 

Please keep us up to speed with the pharma companies if you find anything out and thank you Rocket. Glad you got away and made it back safe n sound. Jet lag and all. Last time I had jet lag was in '05 when I got back from Japan. Took about 7-10 days to get out of it. There are times going through this that remind me of jet lag. Rest my friend.

 

************

 

K, aren't you sweet.  Wish I could fix you a wonderful cappuccino, if you like them. Thank you very much for the kind thoughts and warm hugs, especially on this most wintery day here. brrrr  It's one I wouldn't mind repeating again to be honest. I wasn't overly motivated, but what was, a nice day and it's been quite a while since I've said that. Maybe, just maybe I'll get some sleep tonight. Shhh, don't let it out that I'm thinking I may get some rest...lol. It's just wonderful to be able to say these words that haven't crossed my mind in what seems like forever.

 

Your last paragraph reminds me of my typical day when my mind is zooming. You must be a mathematician. Bet you're good with debates. 

 

********

 

lindiec23, Unfortunately, I cannot add anything to help you hun. I did a cold turkey 26 months ago, not a taper. You came to the right place and there are plenty of people who can aide you in your journey. If you don't find answers in a certain forum, try another one hun. I bounced around from one to another for some time before getting aquainted here. I wish the best transition possbile for you in your journey. It is no fun and remember when you feel the fear, as real as it seems, it is not. It will go away and you will regain yourself again. Keep in touch, talk, express your feelings, get it out and don't be afraid too.

[[va...]]

 

K, aren't you sweet.  Wish I could fix you a wonderful cappuccino, if you like them. Thank you very much for the kind thoughts and warm hugs, especially on this most wintery day here. brrrr  It's one I wouldn't mind repeating again to be honest. I wasn't overly motivated, but what was, a nice day and it's been quite a while since I've said that. Maybe, just maybe I'll get some sleep tonight. Shhh, don't let it out that I'm thinking I may get some rest...lol. It's just wonderful to be able to say these words that haven't crossed my mind in what seems like forever.

 

Your last paragraph reminds me of my typical day when my mind is zooming. You must be a mathematician. Bet you're good with debates. 

 

lol  Thanks for the compliment.  At one point I did consider becoming a mathematician or an engineer, but I didn't.  I can debate fairly decently, and I love a good argument, but I'm actually better at debating when it's in written form and I have time to think about my answer, not so quick off the cuff.  I miss things.  But, I do have a superior knack with looking at the big picture of things, cause and effect, connecting dots others don't see, stuff like that.  I guess you could say I have very good critical thinking skills.  Usually.  lol.  And I love puzzles, really, really hard, complex ones.

 

I'll have that cappuccino now, but make mine a steaming hot chocolate, with really dark cocoa content. 

 

I'm so glad you seem to be doing a little better.  Huge hugs.   

 

Namaste.

 

~K   

[[Bu...]]

Four cuts to go.  It hasn't been so bad since I started cutting .0625 weekly...until last week.  I thought it was supposed to get better the closer I get to the end.  Riding out the waves and hoping for a big window. 

[[th...]]

Four cuts to go.  It hasn't been so bad since I started cutting .0625 weekly...until last week.  I thought it was supposed to get better the closer I get to the end.  Riding out the waves and hoping for a big window.

 

[[La...]]

Hi, I haven't been saying anything, because I just don't have much to say really. Have more confusion and less clarity lately. The last 3 nights I've gotten more sleep than I have since it all began. Between 7-8 hrs each night, but an immense fog throughout the day now. Like I'm numb, somewhat unhappy, but not irritable, a little spacey, yet with clarity in my thinking. As if that made any sense. Arrggh Am almost in tears with how I feel.

 

Sorry K, wish it was going a little better. Hope you're feeling well.

[[va...]]

{{{{{{{ Lakeside}}}}}}}

 

Sending huge hugs and positive vibrations your way.  :smitten:  

 

Please feel better soon.  And don't apologize for not feeling well.  It isn't your fault.  <3

 

Namaste,

 

~K 

[[La...]]

Hi K and thank you so much. Just another day of blah here. Wasn't even able to get it together enough to go to church this morning. Feel like a bump on a log without any energy. It's a good thing I don't have to labor in order to breathe, cuz I'd suffocate. I just haven't any real positivity in me right now. My dogs are trying and it helps. But that good guy groove that's me, just isn't falling into place and is so evasive right now. I know I'm out there some place, but just cannot find my way home. Feel like a lost puppy.

[[va...]]

I understand.  And I feel for you.  I'm going through a crisis right now myself and trying to decide whether I should have surgery or not.    One thing is for sure, I don't know how much longer I can put it off.  I can barely stand it anymore I'm in so much freaking pain.   

[[La...]]

Ut oh, surgery ? May I ask...? Hope nothing serious.

 

I've some how, some way managed an 8 our night of sleep. I awoke spacey and out there but with positive thinking andnot the usual of, "it's another day, yeee hah." Once I was able to gather myself, I went and raked leaves. I know, nothing serious, but it was something I coukld focus on and not worry about messing up. Took breaks and kept going back out. It's rather chilly now, but has been sunny and without wind. This is thee best day I've had in quite a while now. It's far from good, but it's better than what has been and I'll gladly take it.

 

Hope you're feeling alright and not hurting.

[[va...]]

Lakeside, I'm so glad you finally had a good day.  YAY!

 

I've had 2 back surgeries in the past, the 1st one was for a herniated disc.  It was a tiny scar, they did it in one afternoon I woke up and the pain was gone.  I have a feeling this one will be similar to that.  I have a cyst on either side of one of my discs and it's putting pressure on my sciatic nerve.  If I do almost anything that requires me to be on my feet for more than a few minutes, I get horrible pain shooting all the way from my lower back to my foot.  And if I do something, even something easy, like I had to wash all the litter boxes for my cats and put new litter in them the other day, it takes hours and hours and many pain pills for it to stop, usually until the next day, and when that happens, I don't sleep because I can't get comfortable. 

 

The 2nd back surgery I had was a fusion, and I wish I'd never done it, because it didn't help and I've been on pain pills ever since.  Plus the fact that I woke up in recovery having a panic attack, which I thought was a heart attack and they had to knock me back out.  Then, for about 3 months after the surgery, I kept feeling like I was having a heart attack, so I saw a cardiologist, but he said everything was fine and normal.  Soooo...  Not really looking forward to having surgery again.  It scares me.  But I don't know what the alternative is.

 

I understand about the sleep issue.  I rarely sleep, and when I do I toss and turn.  I just ordered a new mattress though, so I'm hoping *keeping fingers crossed* that when it gets here, I'll be sleeping much better.

 

I really hope you get to have a few days of feeling better.  <3

 

Namaste.

 

~K   

[[La...]]

Hi K, it's difficult for people w/o back troubles to imagine or understand how a simple thing like walking or bending over creates such pain and how it affects our faculties. I never realised how much my pinky finger is connected to my pinky toe until I had back problems. I'm sure you understand that. I'm sorry you have to endure and you only way out is surgery. Is it at all possible a chiropractor may be able to help ? I know nothing of this, but I do see a chiropractor semi-regularly.

 

Hope your new mattress hellps too. I use to sleep on a pillow top, but got a foam one and what a world of difference, there's no turning back for me. What's so nice is it conforms to your body. With back pain and how a regular mattress puts pressure on your back, caused me to wake up in pain, where a foam one does not. It conforms and doesn't push back.

 

Well, after my night of sleep, my next two nights were miserable. Up and down and little sleep, maybe 3 hrs each night off and on. I did manage maybe 5 hrs lastnight and am considerably better today. Even made it out for a walk with my dogs after one came to me just jabbering. I told him I needed my shoes and he went and grabbed one and brought it to me. Now how do you not go for a walk after that ?!

 

Here's hoping you're not hurting today

[[va...]]

You know Lakeside, I believe the fact that I've been living in pain for so long has helped me minimize my reaction to the symptoms I have wd-ing from xanax.  I think I play down my symptoms and it sounds like I don't have any.  But I do.  I just don't let them get to me, or, I *try* not to let them get to me, and I try to ignore them as much as possible, like I do my physical pain.

 

I'm freaking exhausted right now.  I barely got any sleep last night, and I have to drive my mother and sister to the doctor later.  I think I'm going to try taking a nap.  I wish my new latex mattress would get here already.  argh.

 

Have a good day.  I hope you are feeling relatively OK today. 

 

Namaste.

 

~K   

[[La...]]

I would agree with you about that K. At least until this last wave came to be. It's different in how it's hitting and catching me off guard, so to speak. See, I've been on the phone and talking with others who are going through this and they would comment to me about my chuckles or laughter sometimes. For me, it was denial of how bad it truly was. I didn't actually realize it at the time, but I do now. It has helped me tremendously to lol in it's face. Just wish it would work for this wave now.....

 

Managed to get 5 hrs or so of sleep last night, so not to bad. Had a list of things to do today and was able to accomplish them. Then came this afternoon and I knew I was on edge, no doubt. But when I used the toilet and it overflowed from being plugged, I pretty much lost it. I was soaking it up as fast as possible with paper towel and did alright. But after getting it all cleaned up, I pretty much fell apart with anxiety. Here I am, after a long day and just finished dinner...bbq chicken on the grill....and my septic plugs up on me. I called my neighbor who wasn't home to see if he has a snake to clean my drain. Hopefully tomorrow. Then, after all this, my computer locks up on me. I had to get this one out and then go find a mouse for it. Finally got it up and running and here I am. Rather rattled, but not to a point of disassociation or depression. These surprises sure do get me.

 

I'm considerably better than I was a couple hours ago and have a grip on it all now. This shock factor though is just over the top for me.

 

Hope you get some sleep tonight K and your trip with mom and sis went well.

 

Thank you for the kind thoughts K 

 

[[va...]]

hahaha  Lakeside.    (I'm not laughing at you, but with you.)  Isn't it amazing how things that happen that way, one thing after another, can send you into a spiral of doom?  I know, it happens to me sometimes too, and I lose it.  Mostly anger, but once in awhile I cry, but mostly I blow up and yell or slam the door or something equally childish.    Then I feel bad for getting so angry and I have to go apologize and say I love you.    eh, it's a process. 

 

And I like the way you put that, laughing in its face.  That's a good way to put it.  And I do that too.  Laughter is healing, and especially when you're in your darkest moments.

 

I can relate, but since, during my life, I've lived through various levels of hell from different things, like cocaine addiction, an abusive relationship, etc., this is just another level of hell, and frankly, so far it's not as bad as my hellish relationship was, which made me extremely suicidal and just so completely empty and void of self love, soooooo, maybe that's just another reason why I don't completely break down.  I'm a survivor, even when I'd rather die.  So, I just try my best to either ignore it or push through it as best I can.

 

Anyway, I'm happy to hear you made it through all your mini crises today without going off the deep end.  Kudos. 

 

I heard from the mattress company.  Since I wanted organic latex, they had to special order those layers, so it will be shipping out on Monday.  Hopefully by this time next week I'll have it.  I can't WAIT!!!

 

Namaste,

 

~K