An experience like no other

[[tu...]]

PJ:

 

Thanks for the reassurance.  I actually feel a lot better this afternoon.  Not perfect, but not completely falling apart, which is nice after the last couple days.  I pray it lasts so I can enjoy the holidays with my family.

 

Before the Ambien I had NONE of this other than some insomnia.  I was emotionally strong and stable.  I was social and loved a challenge.  I tried to squeeze all I could out of everyday.  I NEVER had agoraphobia or anxiety before this experience.  I'll tell you this, I will never take my mental and physical health for granted again.  It is the most imporant thing, second only to love.

 

It encourages me to know that you had these big waves this late in the game and that yours lasted 5-6 days.  I know everyone is different, but that is encouraging.

 

Even though we are all told to expect set backs, it comes as such a blow to your confidence and hope when they happen to you.  Thanks for taking the time to post and console me.  It always helps. 

 

My family (some members more than others) do understand what I am going through.  My parents (especially my mom) and my husband all know who I am and know that what is happening is due to a bad reaction to the Ambien.  They are loving and patient with me.  It is me who is the hardest on myself.  I hate putting everyone through this, not being able to do all the things I used to do.  My girls are 17, 16 & 11 and do know what is going on, but truly do not "get it".  Based on their ages, personalities etc they react in different ways.  But, they are not my support system and I do not expect them to be. 

 

This is just a long haul.  You never think when you begin this journey that you could really struggle for a year or more.  You think you will be in the 6 month camp.  This drug is so damaging.  It is incredible.

 

Anyway, thanks again for the support.  It really helps!

 

Warmly,

TG

[[...]]

Merry Christmas, turtlegirl.  I'm glad that you are feeling better 

[[...]]

Thx pj iam heading to 1year off next month thx my friend for all the supportes udid give me ur good man

 

Hoda, I wish you lots of happiness and much success in America.  You are very kind and that kindness will take you far in your business ventures.  It has been my pleasure getting to know you, and following your progress.

 

pj

[[...]]

To all buddies from around the world:  No matter how you celebrate the holiday season;  be it Christmas, Hanukkah or even "Festivus for the rest of us," may you have a happy and healthy new year. 

 

Remember that life will always find ways to test you.  Life may seem unfair, and it indeed can be.  Sometimes the urge to 'throw in the towel' and just give up can become quite strong, but fight on, do not give up. 

 

Going through the same mental torment and pain, every darn day, wishing that certain things in your live never happened, is probably the hardest part of moving on.  Try not to dwell on the reasons why you cannot do something, but rather on the reasons why you can.  Every new day that arrives can be 'that day' when things in your life begin to turn around for you, and the dark clouds of despair turn into the bright sunshine of hope.  So stay strong and never give up.

 

pj

[[ho...]]

To all buddies from around the world:  No matter how you celebrate the holiday season;  be it Christmas, Hanukkah or even "Festivus for the rest of us," may you have a happy and healthy new year. 

 

Remember that life will always find ways to test you.  Life may seem unfair, and it indeed can be.  Sometimes the urge to 'throw in the towel' and just give up can become quite strong, but fight on, do not give up. 

 

Going through the same mental torment and pain, every darn day, wishing that certain things in your live never happened, is probably the hardest part of moving on.  Try not to dwell on the reasons why you cannot do something, but rather on the reasons why you can.  Every new day that arrives can be 'that day' when things in your life begin to turn around for you, and the dark clouds of despair turn into the bright sunshine of hope.  So stay strong and never give up.

 

pj

 

Thank you PJ. 

 

I'm getting close to my 15 months off and think of your healing then ... I'm 13.5 and hoping for a turnaround and healing soon. 

I appreciate that you've stuck around and have been offering support and encouragement  .... it is so appreciated.

I hope that whatever holiday you celebrate is the best ever for you.  Health and happiness in 2013!

[[tu...]]

Could not have said it better Hope56.  Those who are healed and stay to encourage those of us struggling are kind beyond measure.  They are some of the greatest gifts I have this Christmas.  Bless you!

[[...]]

To all buddies from around the world:  No matter how you celebrate the holiday season;  be it Christmas, Hanukkah or even "Festivus for the rest of us," may you have a happy and healthy new year. 

 

Remember that life will always find ways to test you.  Life may seem unfair, and it indeed can be.  Sometimes the urge to 'throw in the towel' and just give up can become quite strong, but fight on, do not give up. 

 

Going through the same mental torment and pain, every darn day, wishing that certain things in your live never happened, is probably the hardest part of moving on.  Try not to dwell on the reasons why you cannot do something, but rather on the reasons why you can.  Every new day that arrives can be 'that day' when things in your life begin to turn around for you, and the dark clouds of despair turn into the bright sunshine of hope.  So stay strong and never give up.

 

pj

 

Thank you PJ. 

 

I'm getting close to my 15 months off and think of your healing then ... I'm 13.5 and hoping for a turnaround and healing soon. 

I appreciate that you've stuck around and have been offering support and encouragement  .... it is so appreciated.

I hope that whatever holiday you celebrate is the best ever for you.  Health and happiness in 2013!

 

Hi hope56,

 

I had a very nice Christmas day, thank you.  I trust that you did too.  I hope that you will be writing your success story at 15 months like I did. 

 

When I first found this site, like many folks who have come here before and after me, I was confused and hurting.  Not realizing it, I had been experiencing tolerence or interdose withdrawals for two years.  My situation was the same as many others who found this site.  We were given Benzodiazepines and not told anything about dependence, tolerance or the nasty withdrawal symptoms that can occur.  Imagining that we had some grave illness, we took many trips to see the doctor and were given numerous tests.  We were told that nothing was wrong, so we were left on our own to figure it all out.

 

Thanks to this warm, wonderful, people friendly forum, we found the answers that we had been seeking for such a very long time.

 

I wish that I had more time to give back to this unique place that has given so much to me.  It's comforting and reassuring to know that the new members coming on board are just as compassionate and understanding as members have been since this site was first founded.  People helping people ... with compassion and respect ... that's the way I will always remember BenzoBuddies.

 

I wish you the very best as you approach the finish line, and long after you have crossed it.

 

pj     

[[ho...]]

To all buddies from around the world:  No matter how you celebrate the holiday season;  be it Christmas, Hanukkah or even "Festivus for the rest of us," may you have a happy and healthy new year. 

 

Remember that life will always find ways to test you.  Life may seem unfair, and it indeed can be.  Sometimes the urge to 'throw in the towel' and just give up can become quite strong, but fight on, do not give up. 

 

Going through the same mental torment and pain, every darn day, wishing that certain things in your live never happened, is probably the hardest part of moving on.  Try not to dwell on the reasons why you cannot do something, but rather on the reasons why you can.  Every new day that arrives can be 'that day' when things in your life begin to turn around for you, and the dark clouds of despair turn into the bright sunshine of hope.  So stay strong and never give up.

 

pj

 

Thank you PJ. 

 

I'm getting close to my 15 months off and think of your healing then ... I'm 13.5 and hoping for a turnaround and healing soon. 

I appreciate that you've stuck around and have been offering support and encouragement  .... it is so appreciated.

I hope that whatever holiday you celebrate is the best ever for you.  Health and happiness in 2013!

 

Hi hope56,

 

I had a very nice Christmas day, thank you.  I trust that you did too.  I hope that you will be writing your success story at 15 months like I did. 

 

When I first found this site, like many folks who have come here before and after me, I was confused and hurting.  Not realizing it, I had been experiencing tolerence or interdose withdrawals for two years.  My situation was the same as many others who found this site.  We were given Benzodiazepines and not told anything about dependence, tolerance or the nasty withdrawal symptoms that can occur.  Imagining that we had some grave illness, we took many trips to see the doctor and were given numerous tests.  We were told that nothing was wrong, so we were left on our own to figure it all out.

 

Thanks to this warm, wonderful, people friendly forum, we found the answers that we had been seeking for such a very long time.

 

I wish that I had more time to give back to this unique place that has given so much to me.  It's comforting and reassuring to know that the new members coming on board are just as compassionate and understanding as members have been since this site was first founded.  People helping people ... with compassion and respect ... that's the way I will always remember BenzoBuddies.

 

I wish you the very best as you approach the finish line, and long after you have crossed it.

 

pj   

 

 

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((PJ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[[...]]

Greetings everybody:

 

I hope that 2013 turns out to be the best 365 days of your life.

 

It's not an easy journey, traveling down that road to benzo freedom.  You may not be there yet, but you are closer than you were yesterday.  Keep on fighting for what you want your life to be tomorrow.  It takes all the courage and strength that you can muster to defeat that powerful, unforgiving benzo beast that has tormented your body, toyed with your mind, and stretched your fragile emotions like the strings on a cheap violin.

 

There will be many days when you will take two steps forward in your recovery, and that benzo beast will knock you three steps backwards, over and over again hoping that you will give up.  But you will not give up and say 'uncle' because you are stronger and more resilient than you ever imagined that you could be.

 

When that glorious day arrives and you are healed, that person that has been missing for such a long time, will have been found and you will have your life back ... it will be different ... Your benzo experience has changed you.  You will be happier.  You will be wiser.  You will feel as free as a butterfly and as confident as a Trapeze Artist.

 

The BCS Championship Game between the undefeated Fighting Irish of Notre Dame and the Crimson Tide of Alabama is this week.  If Notre Dame wins, i'll be  happier than a clam at high tide.   Go Irish!!

 

Peace

 

pj

[[li...]]

This was so encouraging to read.  Thank You PJ.  I will cheer for your Fighting Irish.  I pray 2013 is a good year for all of us.  Linder xo

[[mi...]]

Thanks PJ.  Happy New Year and go Irish!!

 

M

[[...]]

Thank you linder and miffed   Your support of my beloved Fighting Irish is much appreciated.

 

I am so excited about Notre Dame and Alabama going at it that I jumped the gun and said they were playing this week    The game is actually on Jan. 7th.

[[Su...]]

Happy New Year, pj ! 

 

What is wrong with the Crimson Tide ?   Just kidding !

 

Go Irish !!!

Sunny girl

[[...]]

Happy New Year, pj ! 

 

What is wrong with the Crimson Tide ?   Just kidding !

 

Go Irish !!!

Sunny girl

 

Happy New Year to you, Sunny   After the game on the 7th, I will let you know what is wrong with the Crimson Tide

 

With you and millions of other fine folks cheering for the Irish, they just gotta win.  If they don't, I will have to soothe my disappointment by indulging myself in one of those delicious Southern treats known as the MoonPie, and pay homage to the Crimson Tide, and the state of Alabama, where the MoonPie and a bottle of R C Cola are as popular as football.  It should be a Rock 'em, Sock 'em, raucous three hours of football.

 

Thanks sunny, have a great week.

[[...]]

pj - there is one of those names so dear to me from early on in this.  i got a great deal of hope from reading this thread.  hope i needed as i just go so darn slammed this past week.  got real scared and very discouraged in month 19 off.  always hoped my time would not be this long...as we all do

my ex like notre dame.. but since it is you i will hope they win.

 

i emailed to this web site of people who help stories take flight so maybe they will help me finish my dvd.  i wish i could be a part of a place that is set up for people to get off benzos and be calm and safe.  big dream.  pray for me.

 

thanks for being there dear buddies.  i am off this week and tending to obsess over how bad i feel.  phew

love you a lot

[[...]]

pj - there is one of those names so dear to me from early on in this.  i got a great deal of hope from reading this thread.  hope i needed as i just go so darn slammed this past week.  got real scared and very discouraged in month 19 off.  always hoped my time would not be this long...as we all do

my ex like notre dame.. but since it is you i will hope they win.

 

i emailed to this web site of people who help stories take flight so maybe they will help me finish my dvd.  i wish i could be a part of a place that is set up for people to get off benzos and be calm and safe.  big dream.  pray for me.

 

thanks for being there dear buddies.  i am off this week and tending to obsess over how bad i feel.  phew

love you a lot

 

Hi Pan,

 

I'm sorry that you had such a tough time of it last week.  As difficult as it can be when you are feeling scared and discouraged, try to keep a positive attitude, because when everything seems to be going against you, this could be the time when the tide will turn.  Patience is the key to healing.  Try not to get discouraged and give up.  It is usually, more often than not, the last key on the ring that opens the lock.   

 

Please take good care of yourself, and when you are going through hard times, keep on smiling, cause you are going to make it!   What a fantastic day that will be when you write your success story, and you will.

 

Thank you for hoping that Notre Dame wins , and for saying that you receive encouragment from reading this thread.  You are a very kind, and sweet person.

 

pj

 

     

[[...]]

Hoda, my friend.  I haven't seen your name around here for awhile.  Just wondering how you are doing.  I imagine that you are probably100% healed by now and are enjoying life.  If you are, that is great news.

 

I'm waiting for the big football match between Notre Dame and Alabama.  24 hours until kick-off.

 

pj

 

 

[[tu...]]

PJ:

 

Just checking in.  The worst of the wave that hit me prior to Christmas seems to have past.  I feel I am where I was prior to the wave.  I am grappling with wondering if the anxiety I experience now is just residual fear or a still fragile CNS.  I suspect both.  Went to visit an elderly family member yesterday.  Haven't seen her in a while.  She is completely sweet and non threatening.  I got the weird "boaty"/dizzy feeling while there.  I can only chock it up to a "new" environment.  It is so weird that something that mundane could still trigger stress in me.  I continue to drive and feel safe/normal if I stay close to home, use quiet streets with short lights etc.  Still don't feel ready to drive further than a 10 min drive from my house or use freeway.  Not sure if I can still blame my CNS for this or what.  When I venture further or even think about doing so, I get the weird symptoms.  It is so stupid.  Doing these things should be a no brainer.  Busy stores still effect me also.  I can manage them if I don't stay too long.

 

I guess my question is this . . . should I continue to think it is a healing CNS or am I creating these symptoms with my fear.  It is confusing.  I want to get 100% and will do whatever I need to in order to get better.  If that means pushing myself I will.  If that means being patient and letting my body have time to heal I will do that too.

 

Thanks!

TG

 

p.s. I think of Hoda often and hope he out living his life fully!  That would be awesome 

[[...]]

Hi turtlegirl,

 

Here's a virtual cup of decaf for you, it's not that good, but it's hot. 

 

Hoda is a great guy.  It is really rewarding to look back, and see the big strides he made in becoming healed.  You are a great gal, and it is also rewarding to see how you have progressed in your goal to become healed.  As I look back at some of your previous posts, the progress that you have made is absolutely fantastic.

 

I have known folks, and perhaps you have, too, who used Ambien and when they quit taking it, never had any side-effects. People like you and me, and many others, apparently are extremely ultra- sensitive to meds such as Ambien, so our CNS really took a beating. The good news is that, like me, and others, your fragile CNS will also heal. When you become fearful that you are taking too long to recover, try to dismiss it, because the residual effects of the Ambien are still making you believe that it is so. It took me 15 months to declare victory.

 

I think being patient is the way to go as opposed to pushing or forcing yourself to do what you, and your CNS is not ready to accept yet. If you start pushing yourself too hard, you can become discouraged when you are not progressing as fast as you think you should be. I understand, and sympathize with you in your desire to feel and do the things the way you used to.  That day will come. 

 

When I was going through withdrawals, I quit thinking about setting a certain date or a timeframe when I thought I should be recovered.  As juvenile as it sounds, I had a picture of the Tortoise and the Hare stuck to my fridge, as a reminder to go slow and be patient.

 

Don't worry about not being comfortable driving on the freeway. The way some of those boneheads drive and text, even the cops are apprehensive about being there. I know lots of folks who would rather drive 10 miles out of their way to avoid the freeway. If it didn't bother you to drive down the freeway before Ambien, in time, you will be able to handle it again. The same with going into busy, brightly-lit stores. You will eventually do it without giving it a second thought.

 

pj 

 

 

[[sa...]]

Hey PJ

Did you have a bad wave before you were healed.  I am just over a year and in a horrible wave.  Antibiotics and then a bad ppi reaction along with horrible rebound acid seem to have done me in.  I also took ashwaganda from my naturopath and I now know that was a no no.  So scared that I will be like this forever!  I feel like I am in acute withdrawal again.  I also had morphine turing my endodcopy and perhaps that also affected my cns?  I have insomnia twitching and jerking gi stuff with heart sensations tingling and what feels like an electric current.  This has all been going on for over a month!  So frustrated and scared!

Did you have a bad wave near the end?

[[...]]

Hi sarafina,

 

I had so many waves up until around the thirteenth month off, that it's hard to remember sometimes just when they came, and how long they lasted.  I do remember that around month ten, I thought I was about recovered, and sure enough, along came a wave that lasted over a month.  There just is no rhyme or reason in the way those waves come and go.  All I do know for sure is that everybody does heal, some sooner than others.  Our bodies are a marvelous structure, designed to heal and recover from all sorts of trauma.

 

A year after going cold-turkey, my lingering symptoms were electrical shocks in my legs, and pain and stiffness in my back and neck.  The insomnia would come and go, and got much better in the ninth or tenth month.  I had terrible acid reflux, caused by the benzos, which, thankfully, is gone.   

 

When we were taking those benzos, it is like our CNS went to sleep, like a bear in hibernation, and when we quit taking them, our CNS woke up, and like that bear, when it wakes up, our CNS is totally confused, and mad as a hornet.

 

I understand your frustration, and your feeling that this will never end.  I used to feel that way quite often, and would really get discouraged, but then I would tell myself that it does end, because I read every success story that told me that it does end, and it did end for me, and it will end for you too.  You really have to believe that.  I knows it's hard to keep the faith when you get a horrible wave after a year out.

 

You have been through a lot, your body has been through a lot, but try to stay strong, and keep reminding yourself that you will recover, because you will.   

 

I sincerely wish you the very best.  I wish that no one had to experience the pain and torment of benzo withdrawal.  Take good care of yourself and I hope that you will soon be healed.

 

pj

[[Fl...]]

Hey PJ,

 

Just stopping by to wish the Fighting Irish all the best tonight. They've had such a wonderful season. They are winners no matter how tonight's game comes out.

 

But I'm hoping I get to congratulate you in the wee hours. 

Flip

 

[[sa...]]

Thank you Pj

Did you take any supplements or anything to help you sleep?  Did you have to take any antibiotics?  I am just so scared that. these things have ruined my healing.  I was at about 90 percent before this!

Thank you so much for your encouragement! 

It is getting really hard to hang on to my career and take care of my 4 kids.  I really need this to end soon!!!!!

 

[[...]]

Hey PJ,

 

Just stopping by to wish the Fighting Irish all the best tonight. They've had such a wonderful season. They are winners no matter how tonight's game comes out.

 

But I'm hoping I get to congratulate you in the wee hours. 

Flip

 

 

Thanks Flip.   You are THE WINNER, no matter how the game turns out.  I will be back after the game with the good, the bad, and the ugly aspects of the game.

 

pj 

[[...]]

Thank you Pj

Did you take any supplements or anything to help you sleep?  Did you have to take any antibiotics?  I am just so scared that. these things have ruined my healing.  I was at about 90 percent before this!

Thank you so much for your encouragement! 

It is getting really hard to hang on to my career and take care of my 4 kids.  I really need this to end soon!!!!!

 

 

Hi, it's me again

 

My heart breaks for you and all the other women who have children to love and nourish, and at the same time, must deal with withdrawals.  It cannot be an easy task when you are at the top of your game.  I can't imagine what it must be like when you are not.

 

The only thing I took was Tylenol PM a couple of times.  It gave me a hangover feeling the next day so I didn't take it anymore.  I did take the antibiotic, Keflex, for an infected hand, incurred while in withdrawals, but I had no negative effects from it.  I would have my morning cup of coffee every day.  No person or thing was going to deprive me of my cup of java..

 

I think the fact that you were ninety percent healed before the wave hit, is a good sign that your recovery is just around the corner.  After my big wave at about 10 months, all my symptoms became very tolerable after that, I hope the same holds true for you.  As far as your taking the Ashwagandha, don't beat yourself up over it.  The body does a good job of cleansing itself of foreign substances that it does not like.

 

I hope with all my heart, that you will soon heal so the great stress that you must be under will end, and you can move forward in your life.