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22 months and 90% healed


[kp...]

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Well, a success story for everyone............. :yippee: :yippee: :yippee: :yippee:

 

I went to a shrink and was put on 4 mg of klonopin,  then came tolerance, so I spent 9 months tapering.

 

GOD..........it was awful!!!!!!!!!!! :pokey:

 

I wsa on the couch for over a year, afraid to go places.  I was depressed and could not have guests over.  My social life vanished, along with the rest of my life.  I wrote suicide note after suicide note, and even went shopping for suicide supplies, and bought the suicide manual and even went to an attorney to change my will.  I wanted out of life.

 

Instead of killiing myself, I decided to live one day (one day at a time), so I put my jogging shoes on and ran and ran and ran and ran.

 

And I screamed while I ran, at the top of my lungs "why god?  Why god?  Why god?"

 

I drove in my car and I screamed.  I screamed so loud my voice grew horse.

 

I wrote in my journal page after page of the psycholgocial vortex that only those of us in BW can understand.  It was a nighmare of jealousy, hopelessness and futility.

 

I did not kill myself.  I chose life instead.

 

I am a building contractor, and my tools were in the shop, right where I left them when I started BW, and I could not go into the shop because the pain of the loss of my career was so great.

 

I almost sold those tools, but something inside of me said that one day I MIGHT be well again.

 

That first christmas off benzos was painful.  I had no energy to leave the hosue and I bought no christmas presents for anyone.  I felt so sad and just wanted to cry for the loss to myself and my friends.

 

I can't say when it happened because it happened so slowly, but I will fast forward to today to give to you all an idea of what to look forward to.

 

Today I work, and I work hard, and I am doing a dam good job at creating art.  I have developed a network of new friends, and I have social events at my new home.  I have a partner now, for the first time in my life, and I am learnign how to have intimacy.  I still have minor bouts of depression, but they do not last long and they always always alwasy end, so no biggie, really.  I am studding for the contractors exam. 

 

There is somethign good that came out of all of this.  I do not have fear anymore.  I am free of fear.  BW was the dark night of the soul, and I lived thorough the most horrific experience.  My ego and all false pretense has burned through the fires of purification and today I contain and embody transparency. 

 

Basically, I don't have time for nonsensical bullshit in my life, and I value life more than ever today.  I do not need to look back except when it comes to helping others with this story.  I will only look back if it can help another person, like I am doing right now.

 

If you are in the throws of a benzo depression, then read this and know that I have my life back.  I lost 5 years but who cares, because that is all in the past.  I recommend that everyoen research the dark night of the soul and email me if you would like some perspective and encouragement.  I believe, today, that religionis are for people who are afaid of hell and spirituality is for people who have been.

 

I am not too spiritual, really, becausae i don't meditate, but I have captured wisdom through all of this, and you will also.

 

Keep going, no matter how rough it seems right now, becaue the body does heal.  Express and vent your frustration in positive ways like screaming and jogging.  And, keep a journal, becaue you will help others in BW after you heal. Thats the reason why we are all here.

 

I am off to go create more art now.  Joy is on the horizon for everyone.

 

Love

 

Kenny

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Thank you for sharing your story with us - so glad that you were able to hang on and survive through the worst of your hours, days, weeks and months....your story is so uplifting and just what we need to read here on BB.  Thank you so much for taking the time to write it all down for us and for your advice.. as the rest of us journey through the hallways of Hell. 

Hoping2BFree

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Thanks, and many more thanks.  This situaiton will clear and the fog will iift and the bain will heal.  We will all have peace, freedom and joy.............. :yippee: :yippee:
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Kprice  :yippee:

 

Wow this was so inspireing to me!!! What you said is truly wisdomfilled and enlighting.

I as well am healed ..And feel exactly the same. Who cares about the Time lost.. All I know is for me ..Its not what Time is doing to me..It what Im doing with Time now!!!

 

So glad you came by to give Hope!!!

 

~Jenny

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Hi Kenny,

 

It's very nice of you to come back and write your success story, so many people need to read these.  I'm glad you're doing so well, life is pretty darned good, isn't it?

 

Thank you again Kenny,

 

Pam

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You sound great.  Congratulations and thank you for this wonderful success story, Kenny.  You worked very hard to get where you are now.

 

Patty  xo

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[e7...]

Kenny,

Thanks for coming back to share this with us. You're a true inspiration that things CAN and DO get better. I can't wait to be where you are right now, back to work, living life, sharing my success story w/ others. You give me hope that it can and will happen.

 

Thanks again for stopping in to share your success. I wish you all the best and much continued health and happiness.

 

Much love, ((HUGS)) and continued healing, lamberfn

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Thank you all for chosing life, and benzo withdrawal.  I am an artist, and during Benzo Withdrawl I was not able to procure anythign creative.  I can't say when my life changed, becaue it happened so gradually, but with time, I began to see rays of light.  I was on 4 mg of klonopin for 2 years, and in tolerance withdral for that last year.  It required a 9 month taper and for over a year after jumping off I was soooo depressed that I could not leave my hosue or go shopping or find joy in any activity.  I was afriad of people becaue my brain was so foggy that I woudl forget words and could not compose complete sentences.

 

Today, my creativity has returned.  I am able to work and create brilliant works of art.  I am not completely healed, because I still am forgetful, but there is a volume of light and spirit that has replace where there was once only darkness. 

 

I encourage everyoen to "keep going"

 

My withdrawal was very misunderstood, and others thought a lot of things, so out of all of this, I realize today that it does nto matter what others think.  Perhaps that is one of the miracles procured from the ordeal that I experienced.

 

I beat myself up for a long tme because I allowed the MD to refill the Klonopin, but, today, I see that it was all accrding to divine plan because I have a story which can help others, and that is my purpose in life today.

 

I am blessed by you all when you come to me for help and encouragement, and you give my life meaning and pupose.

 

Love

 

Kenny

 

 

 

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CREATION OF ART

FROM A BENZO SURVIVOR

90% HEALED AFTER 18 MONTHS

IF I CAN DO IT YOU CAN

ENJOY!

 

 

http://api.ning.com/files/4Txx8zASKEZeX68oycehI13WhxBZvYWVbHRBqQeYfYwkDpgb8UBPkyTE1ob8IN4GZVNcRXAzRv7DdDmQZGY69IThTdousNT8/torigate.JPG

width=600 height=450http://api.ning.com/files/9BlM8HYRqk7f1k3r3JWJurtAsBWwcld2sDnCf*ewiDPuXkfqWojMXLzDMkQ2JTCTa*x1paR8H0ChqpTz8hSpmQmGL*sLlkI*/teahouse.JPG[/img]

http://api.ning.com/files/vOKk8Wn3NY4QajFKn-duHSW0WFEZkgCKjUlP8FpipwGY-kPh05HbYp1Y8Q1AX3j2ovsp2zEV7Gvw371N3YiHdR30oqA9OyW6/stupa.JPG

 

 

SO.........IF I CAN RECOVER AND DO THIS, THINK WHAT YOU CAN............ :yippee: :yippee: :yippee:

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Kenny,

  Your story is truly inspirational!  :yippee: Your work is beautiful. I hope that all continues to keep going well.

I would love to know can you take supplements, drink coffee, or alcohol? Or does anyting give you s/x? So many times I hear of people doing well but still have problems with all the above.

 

Again I am truly happy for your success! I have been where you were and I am tappering now.

Hugs,

S

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Kenny - your work is beautiful - so serene and calming....I would love to talk with you one on one....if PM's ever come back I will be writing to you for your encouragement ..... thank you for being so compassionate towards the rest of us still struggling.....

Love Hoping2BFree

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Thanks to all.  Yes, I wish PM's woudl come back.  I took a sabattical from Benzo Withdrawl community this summer to create art, and the return to you all has been a joy.  I healed a lot this summer (art heals), so there is more success to share.  Coffee was not a problem for me becaue most of my side affects were mental and psycological.  Benzo Withdrawal completely stripped my soul of the ego, and in hindsight, that was splendid, because the ego was interference to love, and its the love that I bring back today, all unconditional.  I had a rough one with the benzo beast, but I realized that when I stopped fighting, the benzo beast lost all interest and went away.  I am not completely healed yet, but I find that the resistance was the last obstacle anyway in all areas, so in a way, I am completely healed.  You all will find this journey an opportunity becaue we discover god because we survive hell, and fear dissolved for me.  All good.  Splendid is the word to describe my life today, and opportunities to help and serve replace regret and loss.  Keep going everyone, and expct a miracle!
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Kenny,

Your art work is beautiful. Such a serene setting you created!

I'd hire you in a heartbeat.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. 

 

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Kenny;

 

Many thanks for sharing your benzo story with us and the photos of your masterpieces.  You are very talented and creative.

 

I am in very bad wave right now, and getting inspired by your recovery story through my tears.  Hope you stick around to help -- you have gained valuable knowledge in mastering this benzo stuff. 

 

Best regards,

Rocko

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  • 4 weeks later...

Kenny you are my inspiration thanks for such a beautiful story.  I'm at 14 months off and today is the first day in months that I have a window and reading your story has given me a newfound hope. I plan to put on the jogging shoes today.... I will say what you create really is beautiful art.  Wow was the first thing that came to mind when I saw the picture of your labor.  I'm glad you are living again and I hope you enjoy it to the fullist!!!

Hugs

Kristin

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Kenny,

 

Thank you not only for your wonderful story, but man the pics are awesome!  I know another person really struggling with mental sx's and I am going to forward your story to them...thanks again!!

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  • 1 month later...

Your art is absolutely beautiful and brings so much order and peace on viewing it. Thank you so much for your story ...it helps me so much.

 

mtnhigh

 

Carlos

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Wow what a story....Im so happy for you, you are truly an inspiration for me and others struggling to get to the other side... I hope i can see you soon on the other side  ;)

 

Congrats  :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

 

Iwill

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Hi Kenny, thank you for your shared story of hell and healing. The mental/physical healing is a triumph, as you bared your soul with your words.  Though, the joy of finding "true" purpose of life is your true story; you found your being of unconditional love.  Oh your photos..the work of art with meditative peace...beautiful!  When I viewed them, I saw the road of stone to your "temple"'.  The road is not straight, it's curved and winding, just like life, just like the journey of wd... But to a safe loving place.  You truly have discovered and found nirvana!  My dear hubby is 11 months off, and still traveling the hell of this beast.  I read all you wrote, as well as each bbs in reply, to my beloved Ron, he had tears flowing from his eyes; though they were tears of hope!  That,s what you have extended back to all.  Thank you dearest Kenny, blessings to you always, Pattylu :smitten::thumbsup:
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