This Warrior Has Won

[[gi...]]

Thanks for posting your story Ginger. 

 

Congrats,  continued health and healing to you.  Katie xo

 

You've been off a long time, too; how are you doing today?

[[of...]]

Thanks for posting your story Ginger. 

 

Congrats,  continued health and healing to you.  Katie xo

 

You've been off a long time, too; how are you doing today?

 

I am healed Ginger,  fully.  I'm so grateful.  Thanks for asking . xoxo

[[Sh...]]

Thank you Ginger.  Your story was particularly helpful for me and gave me some courage to move forward with a new taper.  I'm really glad there's stories like yours to read.

 

Shar

[[gi...]]

Wow, Katie, that's so great!  It's crazy how this works, huh. You were on K longer, detoxed from a huge amount, and there you are 100% healed and I'm only 90%. Talk about no rhyme or reason!!

 

Shar,  I'm glad I can give you hope. You have to believe in yourself and have faith that you will succeed. Really: you have no idea how strong you are!

 

ginger

[[of...]]

((((Ginger))))) xoxox

[[...]]

Hi Ginger,

 

Just wanted to read your story again.  Hope all is well, and I'd like to thank you for always coming by my blog and giving me support.

 

I had some things I wanted to ask you personally about your recovery but we can't share emails, or send personal messages anymore on here so.......

 

Again thanks for everything  :smitten: :smitten:

 

KD

[[gi...]]

You could ask -- I might not feel comfortable answering here, but maybe I'd be OK.  So go ahead, ask away!

 

[[...]]

Isn't anything too personal, I just didn't know if you were checking this and how I could ask you  :)

 

I just wanted to know if you could tell me what you were originally put on K for?  And if it was for anxiety I was wondering if you were still experiencing any, and how bad is it if you are?

 

I also am having bouts of depression which are pretty bad being this long out.  It kind of scares me because I think it could be something I may have to deal with forever.  I was wondering if you could tell me how long it was till your depression lifted?

 

 

[[gi...]]

Hey kd, let's continue this conversation on my blog:

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?action=post;topic=28248.440;last_msg=586967

See you there!

[[co...]]

Hi Ginger. I was wondering how your cognitive abilities are now. I have you noticed any improvement? I know you originally posted that you don't think they'll ever improve.

[[gi...]]

Hi Ginger. I was wondering how your cognitive abilities are now. I have you noticed any improvement? I know you originally posted that you don't think they'll ever improve.

 

Funny you should ask... 

 

see below...

[[gi...]]

A LONG TIME IN COMING

 

I hit the 3 year mark (Jan 4) while on vacation in Australia. Standing on an overlook, looking at the miles of rolling hills before me, I thought about where I was 3 years previous…how horrible, yet  hopeful, I felt…completely unaware of the Year in Hell that was about to unfold. 

 

I thought about that day, like I have every day since I jumped off my .25-high klonopin cliff into an abyss I was not prepared for; but who has ever been prepared for that jump, whether from a higher dose or one much lower?  Who really even understands, much less be prepared for, the extent of the devastation, the incredibly bizarre & unbelievable way our central nervous system reacts to the cessation of what has controlled it for so long? 

 

I thought about everyone who’d come before me, the trail they’d blazed. I thought about those coming up behind me, lost and scared and suffering - and those (allegedly, unbelievably 85%) who quit unscathed. I thought about the rest of us who have, and will have, PTSD the rest of our lives about the fateful days we chose to put that first – and last – benzo tab on our tongue.

 

For me, my PTSD includes the stroke/seizure-like episode that occurred one month to the day later; the days and weeks laying on my couch in physical and emotional agony; not being able to lay down without feeling like my brain was pouring out of my skull and that I was falling head first off my pillow; sitting up and feeling it bubble and pop like an egg on a frying pan. I thought about the horrible headaches that lasted 24/7 for 9 solid months that often brought me to my knees; and the tinnitus that started raging Feb 24, the day I took 4 mgs of ativan to get through the MRI I needed to confirm that I didn’t have a tumor. 

 

Standing there, I of course then thought about that tinnitus, that only got worse, and still rages, 24/7; that still wakes me up and makes me cry, that keeps me from enjoying the sound of wind through trees or the peaceful silence of my house at 2AM... I shed a tear at that thought. I allowed myself a quick minute pity party.

 

I thought about my husband during My Year in Hell, how he refused to read even highlighted portions of The Ashton Manual, and chose instead to believe my doctor; that nothing was wrong me. And the loneliness and desperation I felt without his support.  The sadness. The pain of his rejection.

 

But then I thought about the miracles that happened in 2010: the headaches stopped; the brain zaps and bubbles and pouring sensations ended; my mouth stopped feeling like a blow torch was on my gums; I could walk without the woozies, look at the color green and not have it seer my eyes, not feel like sand was in my eyes, and walk through a store or drive down a familiar street and not get lost.  My husband stopped threatening. My friends no longer paced, wringing their helpless hands. I could even laugh again until tears spurted out my eyes – something I never thought I’d be able to do again.

 

And here I was, standing on a lookout in freaking Australia of all places, 3 years later.  Still damaged, still scarred. Still scared. But stronger – much, much stronger – than I’ve ever been.  Accepting? That’s hard. I tell people here all the time (hell it’s on my sig line) that acceptance is key to recovery. I believe that; but now I think it applies more to accepting the non-linear, seemingly impossible-to-endure w/d process than it does to accepting the fact that I remain damaged many years later.

 

That is really hard to accept.

 

But I’ve adapted. I pretend to follow conversations. I struggle to comprehend instructions and re-read them as many times as I have to. I don't remember what I did yesterday and have to be reminded what I was in the middle of doing or what I did last week. To others I laugh off my confusion and forgetfulness as just being a ditzy blonde, a stereotype I’ve never been and have always resented. Internally, I struggle; I'm scared that I'm on the fast track to Alzheimers, which is in my family.

 

I’ve adapted to my tinnitus and insomnia, and just know that a 30-minute daytime catnap in exchange for the 3-5 hours of tossing and turning I do every night is all I can hope for. I've adapting to frequent headaches and thank God always when they pass after a few hours. I’ve learned to prepare for the resurgence of symptoms the slightest stress (even just a stressful thought) will cause: my bones may burn, my back may pound, and that feeling of my bones feeling nauseous will occur, but they will pass. Thankfully, miraculously, they will pass, within a matter of days at the most.

 

And I’m so, so grateful that the 24 constant symptoms are gone.

 

And that my marriage is back on track.

 

And that I survived 2009.

 

I stood on that outlook, knowing that I am not the same woman I was – not by a long shot.  But I am here. I am alive. I can laugh again. I can cry without going into hysterics. I can have anxiety attacks and keep them from leveling me. I can stave off panic attacks. I can manage my anger, although rage simmers just below the surface. I can enjoy a glass of wine or beer sometimes a couple times in a week. I can enjoy a couple cups of coffee in a row most days. I tolerate most vitamins; I can eat sweets (at certain times of the day). I’ve learned what I can put in my body and what I can’t; I’ve adapted.

 

Most importantly: I’ve learned that I can live without pharmaceuticals. I stood on that outlook and screamed in my head "F-YOU DR. M!! LOOK AT ME NOW, YOU S-O-B!"

 

I thought about my buddies...

 

To my early support system: Pamster, Eljay, Beeper, LOTN, Lady48, Adele, cantwait and many more whose names my benzo brain has forgotten: my utmost gratitude. To the other oldtimers: Patty, Spring, ntw, KID and dear, dear T: we'll never walk alone, not as long as we have each other. To those whose successful recovery have allowed them to move on: Softail, TK, Verti, Mal, Truck, Matteo, et.al.: congratulations;you deserve a good life. I couldn't help but thinking about those I devoted much time to, both here and in private, who've since blown me off... And to those who didn’t make it – dear Leon especially -- their loss keeps my anger burning. I will carry their torches to the very end.

 

And so, as I enter my 4th year, I continue to hope for the best…but I’m prepared for the worst.

 

Lastly, on that outlook, I thanked God that I’m able to live my life to such a degree; that I walked through the fire and the payoff included ticking off #1 on my Bucket List (Sydney Harbor on New Year’s Eve). And with that, I started back down the stairs to my husband's outstretched hand … a different person than who went up those stairs, one amazed at how her life turned out, determined to carry on, to have more adventures in spite of my damaged brain.

 

Much love,

ginger

 

 

[[km...]]

Ginger,

Wow is the first word that came to mind after reading your story.  You are right acceptance is one of the keys.  Some of us won't ever be that person before benzo's but we will evolve into a better person, a stronger person it just takes time.  Wow Australia on the 3 year anniversary that is awesome!!  You are a great supporter here and I want to thank you for still being here and caring about those who come after you.  I know my struggle is not over and won't be for a long time but knowing I have people like you here to help me thru it makes all the difference.  Hang in there and enjoy life.

Hugs

Kristin

[[ro...]]

Ginger:

 

Thank you for sharing your three year anniversary off benzos story.  You are so to be admired and if you don't mind - could I share your story with the Kaiser officials that I plan to meet with?  I am pushing for informed consent for patients before they ever fill their script.  Much like what is done in the UK to inform the patient about the addictive nature of the benzo. 

 

You are a brave and courage woman.  Kudos to you for all you have persevered and stayed the course off benzos.  Your story will live long on BBs for all to read.  And your suffering will give others hope. 

 

Best regards to you,

Rocko

[[pi...]]

Hello Ginger,

 

Thank you so much for posting this.  Your story and yes, your triumph over these terrible meds is really appreciated by those of us still struggling with symptoms that never seem to want to go away.  I could picture myself up on that overlook saying the same thing to my doctors.  You are doing a lot and without medication, that is my lifetime goal as well. I believe it is so important for all of us to keep the torch lit and never forget, ever!

 

pianogirl 

[[gi...]]

Krisitn, Rocko, Pianogirl...

 

Rocko:  I'd like to come on board but want to hear more first. PM me with the details.

ginger

[[...]]

Ginger, I never knew you well, but always followed your blog, and your progress.  I just want you to know how moved I was reading your 3-year update.  Wow!  If that isn't triumph, I don't know what is.  Thank you for sharing your wonderful story.  xoxo, ~~mbr

[[gi...]]

Thank you, mbr, for your kind words! I remember you; haven't seen you around in a while. I hope you've been OK!

[[Ho...]]

Ginger Thank you so much for your inspiring and very courageous story.  I hope you continue to heal and come back here and write your 4-year success story - that you are TOTALLY HEALED. 

    I have always admired your fighting spirit and even while you were suffering, you were here for many of us when we reached out.  I know you helped me with your advice and I so appreciate it.

      I don't come on BB too much anymore - nothing much to say except that I wish this would all end....and nothing anyone can say anymore, except "Hang on."  And that's what I'm doing.....

      Keep that fighting spirit alive - so glad you made a trip to Australia - wow!  Amazing!  So happy for you.  Keep on healing - I remember Pamster always saying she thought she was healed at 14 months but she just kept getting better and better....may you find that the same thing happens to you.  Lots of luck and good health to you - you certainly deserve it!

Love Hoping2BFree 

[[gi...]]

Wow, hoping....it's been a long time!!  I'm sorry to see you're still here but happy to see you, if you know what I mean!  I hope I continue to heal, too. But I'm wondering if I've gone as far as I'm going to go.

I hope you're doing OK, all things considered?  Drop  me a PM and fill me in if you get the chance.

ginger

[[AK...]]

Thank you for sharing, I needed to hear that. I am scared oh so scared  .      Scared enough to not want to do it but know I have to. I long for the day to have it all behind me.....

I will keep going and think of you and the others who were in my shoes and made it to the other side. God Bless,

Kristin

[[Ho...]]

Ginger - No I don't think you have gone as far as you are going to go......you are going to continue to heal.....and heal and heal.....

[[gi...]]

From your lips to God's ears!

 

[[gi...]]

To all who read this, the conclusion to my story is here:

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=4be7mv663p8t521pga9790cl35&topic=73112.0