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Why can't I feel the joy?


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Needing some feedback here.  I so appreciate everyone's good wishes on my finishing my taper.  But, gosh, why can't I feel it?  I know depression played a huge roll throughout my taper---even before my taper.  It's been one of my most difficult symptoms and has been unrelenting.  Now, I don't have my taper to focus on, daily figuring my titration reductions, recording my progress, counting the days to zero...  That day has come and gone.  Of course, I'm glad it's behind me, but I continue to feel at least as bad as I did while I was tapering.  Only now, I don't have the same distraction of a taper, the goal out ahead of me, the (unrealistic, I know) hope that things would feel better, that *I* would feel better once I crossed the finish line.  Now, when I most exhausted from the efforts of the past 20+ months, I'm left to wait for improvement that seems so elusive.  No way to know how long I will feel so awful.  I now someone said that we can tolerate anything as long as we know when it will end.  How do we get through the days, weeks and months when we don't know?  And, especially when the present is still so painful?  I just need to hear from some others who've gone through this post-benzo transition to know how they managed to deal with the day-to-day waiting to feel better.  SO sorry to be so negative when I feel I should, at very least, be able to celebrate my success.  Just still really scared.  L., ~~mbr
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Benzos make us emotionally flat.  We begin to feel an awakening of our emotions the further out we get.  I distinctly remember the day I could enjoy my pets again a few weeks ago.

 

You just finished your taper on the 7th, that is pretty recent.  I know you've been on a long road of tapering.  But trust me, you did it the smart way.

 

We all wish we knew the day it will end, that's the million dollar question.  The truth is this, we just have to trust the fact that those who have gone before us healed, and get through our individual recovery the best way we can.  People from all walks of life who went before us made it, if they could do it, we can too!

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Benzos make us emotionally flat.  We begin to feel an awakening of our emotions the further out we get.  I distinctly remember the day I could enjoy my pets again a few weeks ago.

 

You just finished your taper on the 7th, that is pretty recent.  I know you've been on a long road of tapering.  But trust me, you did it the smart way.

 

We all wish we knew the day it will end, that's the million dollar question.  The truth is this, we just have to trust the fact that those who have gone before us healed, and get through our individual recovery the best way we can.  People from all walks of life who went before us made it, if they could do it, we can too!

 

Hi, Perseverance.  Thanks for your post and for the reminders.  Yes, it was a long, hard taper, for sure, and I know I am VERY early in the post-benzo process.  I don't mean to sound like I'm just being impatient.  I feel like my taper took every bit of patience I had, so I guess I'm simply exhausted at this point and trying to muster up some strength for the next phase.  I just didn't expect to feel like I've dropped deeper into the black pit when I was finally finished.  It almost feels anticlimactic.  I just wanted to feel a little lift and it didn't happen.  I feel like there's been no pleasure in anything for so long, and now I can't even find the pleasure in my own hard-won victory.  I want to but can't seem to muster it.  Like I have no pleasure center left in my damaged brain.  Anyhow, I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other until something in my brain shifts.  I appreciate your support more than you know. 

L., ~~mbr

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  • 3 weeks later...

hi mbr - just a note to tell u that u r not alone.  i am right there with you.  this has been almost unbearable.  it is heartbreaking. crazy tough

i just know we will be looking back on this and being so proud of ourselves for how we endured the most unimaginable emotional pain and we will be so thankful for peace and gratitude.

but i feel your pain.  so so hard.  xoxo

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Hi, Pan and Keryn.  How am I?  Well, truth be told, bleh...  Not good.  Still many, many times a day I feel I'm going to pop, come apart at the seams, not be able to tolerate how my body feels.  Honestly, is it anxiety?  I just don't even know, sometimes.  I can't find words to describe it.  Just plain sick, dizzy, burny, sinking stomach, etc.  I wandered around a store for three hours today just to avoid being home stewing in how awful I felt.  It wasn't easy, believe me, but sitting at my computer getting increasingly agitated isn't good either.  I force myself out because I can't get myself to accomplish thing 1 at home.  I just sit.  Sit and stew.  So, getting out at least looks like I'm doing something normal even if I feel 180 degrees from normal. Does that make sense? 

 

Thanks for asking.  I hope someday I'll have a better report.  I'm so sick of myself.  How are you two doing?  L., ~~mbr

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Hi mrb - I am still having a tough time too.  i had a friend here and that got me out but today i can't do much.  be so proud of yourself for going out.  i get so afraid for how low my  fmetabolism feels but i woke up with really hig blood pressure.  you described it so well - it is like anxiety - but different - just like being sick.  it makes me cry still.  i decided to call today a sick day.  i beat myself up for how little i do but when i have windows i realize how sick i am and remind myself not to do that when i am sick.  i need to find a doctor so i can do paperwork if i can't do my job when school starts in a couple of weeks.  i teach and it is really intense. 

we are in this together and the honesty you have helps me a lot.  thanks so much for asking. it's hard i know.  really getting slammed these past 2 days

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Pan, you should give yourself huge props for even thinking about teaching in a couple of weeks.  I'm very impressed.  I may get out, but I don't do anything remotely stressful when I do.  (Walking around a store by myself is pretty low-key.)  I imagine teaching is a real challenge when recovering from benzos.  Thanks for letting me know that my posts help you.  I can't seem to muster the energy to be anything but honest!  All the best to you, ~~mbr 
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While I was tapering, I made a chart and marked when I would be 3 weeks off. I thought by then that I would feel better!  NOT!!! Obviously, it was very disheartening to realize that I was one of the ones who would have to deal with withdrawal longer. I couldn't believe it at first, then I just got more depressed.... like I needed help. Also, when you are anxious, time seems to go even slower, which is quite brutal when all you are wanting is for time to pass.

 

But, still, time has passed for me, and the days have gotten better. I have more and better windows, and time has actually passed.

 

I don't know any tricks to make it better, except to stay as busy as your health allows with things that force you to think about something other than benzo withdrawal. It helps! And to remind yourself that it DOES end. Several months time is nothing in the scheme of things.

 

Hang in there. I'll be here, too. ask2266

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Thanks Mbr - for  saying that  even thinking i can make it back in the classroom is an accomplishment.  maybe u r right.  it's funny how how our survival instincts kick in for us sometimes.  i pray they do.  i can't picture things going well when i am hurting so much - but we will see. 

Thanks too ASK - for your continued hope you give.

i luv u guys a lot.  we are healing...

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[b8...]

Hi Mbr-

I just wanted to let you know that I'm having the despair and depression REALLY, REALLY bad as well. I am apathetic, can't get into anything. Can't even really watch TV. It's an awful, awful feeling and I want it to pass ASAP. UGH!! I hate sitting inside all day, but I get really no relief from doing anything else. Sometimes my brain tricks me into thinking that this is ME. I think some of us just get the depression SO awful bad and there's not much we can do about it until it lifts or passes. I'm even on 15mg of Remeron and that's not touching this. Some of it is probably situational as well...we are stuck in the house or out of the house- wherever we are, w/o a fully functioning brain, to do the things we once enjoyed...there's no desire to do the things we once enjoyed, so we get even more depressed b/c we don't DO anything. It's an awful, awful place to be.

 

I just want you to know that you're not alone in this. I hate that we have the despair and the depression SO bad. I'm not sure if I'd rather have anxiety or what...but I would certainly trade it for any other symptom, b/c this one just sucks ROYALLY. However, there are plenty of people who went before us and who have PROMISED that it does get better. I have to believe them. If I don't believe them, I will give up...and that's just not an option.

 

Hang in there. This is a rough, rough symptom to deal with, but we get through it someway, somehow.

 

Thinking of you and sending good vibes your way. Much love and healing, Nicole

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Hi Nicole & MRB - thanks again for the honesty.  i can't believe how many bad days in a row i am having. in the evening i just hope so much i can get something done the next day and here i sit in this terrible discomfort.  this woman put a blog when i googled benzo w/d and it is all about hope and knowing it is all the w/d.  she said in there that "life post benzo withdrawal is a piece of cake"  - that will be so true it seems - one big blessing.  we will be so thankful to have this behind us.  i talked to a doctor yesterday who said how safe benzos are - very few side effects he said.  i feel so bad for the people getting on these everyday.

i do have hope inside but it does not make what we are going thru any easier.  i guess tied in is the fear of losing my livlihood.  that's a pretty valid fear these days.

sorry i am using this post as a vent.  i guess i should make a blog or something to get help.  i amm so thankful for you. 

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Hey mbr,

 

I feel your pain extremely, as you can see I reinstated and dont feel any better, but am hoping I am not going to come unglued at the seams if I taper this, it is so painful.  I just wanted to say you are not alone in this, hopeing it will get better and better for you.

Love ya and hugs to you all the time

Belle

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Thanks, ask2266, Pan, Nicole & Belle for all your support in this hard time and for letting me know I'm truly not alone in this no-joy territory.  I remember feeling joy, but have no idea how to bring it back.  It's so hard to be patient when all you want it a little relief.  Just know I'm hanging in there with all of you and hoping for better days.  Love, ~~mbr
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Hi mrb- having a tough day with the depression today; my sister came over; i could hardly talk.  and i cry easy.  it's nuts.  i am supposed to be teaching in abaout a week and a half - i will be about 53 days off by then - wondering if i should take another month medical leave.  don't want to lose credibiity with kids i have to spend a year with.  tough decision - wishing i could work to be distracted but there are days i can't imagine me in a classroom with

thinking of you.  this site is sucha  big help.

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