Update. It gets better slowly

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This forum has really helped me in the course of my withdrawal.  I was searching for answers to the questions "how long will this last?" and "will I ever get better?"  People's willingness to share their progress on improvement gave me tons of hope when I was in a really dark place.  So I thought I'd share a little of my improvement progress today to hopefully provide hope for someone.

My background:  I started taking ambien 10 mg for 1.5 years and klonopin 1.5 mg for 4.5 years for insomnia.  Due to no long term improvement, worsening insomnia/depression, anxiety, etc I decided to discontinue.  I weaned off klonopin in 7 months and Jumped mid February this year.  My taper was awful, the symptoms were so bad I had to take leave from work.  Things continued to be terrible despite discontinuing.  My symptoms were mostly severe depression, severe fatigue, severe insomnia, delusions, some akathisia, Si, hair loss, nail changes, possible autoimmune issue.  I couldn't get out of bed, I had no hope, I thought my life was over.  There was no escape.

Today, about 9 weeks after my jump, I am much better.  The symptoms I have now are rumination, mild-moderate depression, mild-fatigue, and unfortunately pretty severe insomnia.  But the horrible symptoms and severity they were a couple months ago is much improved.  I am still on leave from work and I do take trazodone to help with sleep but this is all.  I continue to do all the healthy lifestyle adjustments in attempt to feel better and take control of my health and life again.  I am able to run several miles, go hiking, concentrate for longer, have conversations.  I feel a since of mental clarity developing.

I hope maybe in a few months I will be posting on the success forum.

Stay strong everyone.  There is hope.

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35 minutes ago, [[F...] said:

I'm so happy for you !! I haven't taken anything for almost two months. I've improved by 10% compared to the previous month. Have you had symptoms like DPR? I hope to improve month by month

If DPR means depersonalization/derealization then yes, absolutely.  I was borderline psychotic.  I had delusions, many religious in nature.  I wasn't sure if I was real, if reality was real, if reality exists outside my own mind and if not does that make me Divine.  Lots of existential, philosophical, religious, metaphysical thoughts.  Somehow I was still able to question my own thoughts and challenge them. 

It was really scary. It's a really scary state of mind to be in 24/7.

I would say those symptoms are completely gone.  It was a really dark place.

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7 minutes ago, [[F...] said:

Yes, I know very well.. Right now those symptoms are not so brutal, but they are still there, I only took this crap for 3 months, but the damage it did to me was tremendous, can I ask you how long you took it and what dose? Your post gave me hope.

I started out on Ambien 10 mg for 1.5 years for situational primary insomnia. Then when that lost effect I was started on Klonopin 1 mg which was increased to 1.5 mg.  I was on Klonopin for 4.5 years.  So a total of 6 years on z-drugs/benzos.  I had never been on long term prescription medicine before this.  During this phase I probably tried 20+ over the counter meds, supplements, or prescription meds to help sleep and treat my mood.  I realize now the Ambien/Klonopin is what was causing most of my distress.  And what needed to be done was the via negativia approach and remove those medications.  But in typical US medicine the approach is via additiva or adding in more medication to treat the side effects other other medications.  I am one of many unfortunately.

 

What helped the most was hot yoga.  It forces you to be present and all that crazy mental chatter goes away, at least for an hour.  There was an afterglow for a couple hours after yoga where I had some clarity.  Have you tried yoga?

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6 minutes ago, [[F...] said:

I haven't tried it yet! But I have been told that it is very useful. I was incapacitated for almost two months, without energy, without appetite, with a lot of depression and anxiety. I hope to recover my energy and mental clarity. I also had to take a break from work.

That's exactly where I was a month ago. You definitely need rest both mental and physical rest and I'm glad you are getting it.  I do think a little bit of exercise (even if it was walking) saved me in this process.

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