Hi I am new here

[[Ha...]]

Hi everyone,

I’m new to the site and feel a bit overwhelmed. Any advice on how to connect with others or what groups to start joining would be great. I’ve been on 1.5-2 mg of klonopin and multiple z drugs for over 10 years and have come off most of z meds- I want to start a taper of the klonopin (my psychiatrist is supportive of my decision) and I know I can’t do it without peer support. I’ve tried taper In the past but didn’t get far. Even really really small cuts hit me hard. I would be really grateful for some guidance on how to best connect and use the site and resources.

thank you!! 

[[Co...]]

Hello @[Ha...]. Welcome to BenzoBuddies.

You are already posting to the most suitable forum at our community.

What dose pills of Klonopin do you use? And how do you spread your dose over the day?

[[do...]]

Hi everyone, new here.  I have been really isolated since changing my meds and i just wanted to come on and connect with others.  I know cold turkey isn't the best thing, but I was miserable and prolonging the process just wasn't going to work.  My doctors are not excited about my decision to do this so fast, but they know.  I am almost 30 days in and I think I am past the biggest risks, so I don't want to go back and go slower.  I have tried talking to doctors, groups, therapists, and friends to get more help but no one seems to get it.  About 7 years ago I started having uncontrollable muscle spasms from oxygen deprivation caused by a heart defect.  Diazepam was the only thing that worked.  I knew about the risks, but I was also miserable and I had to accept that there was a medication I needed.  I noticed that if I took the full amount (10 mg three times daily) I got depressed and my personality changed.  I finally got to where I could just take 10 mg to go to work and then another 10 if I had to be around people later.  Fast forward, I had heart surgery 5 years ago and had to start a beta blocker.  I think at that time I narrowly escaped getting hooked on the pain meds (as prescribed), but I was already in such bad shape I probably didn't even notice any withdrawal symptoms when I stopped.  This year I had another problem from my heart surgery and ended up with terrible chest pain and sob, which unfortunately causes a ton of anxiety.  In nov I was taking the beta blocker, valium, and started pain meds daily.  I had to add droxidopa to get my blood pressure up, which caused crazy mood swings and massive paradoxical changes in my heart rate.  This is when I really hit a breaking point with all the meds.  I have tried to tell my doctors for years now that I was beginning to "rebound" at about 4 pm which manifested as a strong alcohol craving.  I only drank socially before, so I didn't have alcohol cravings or drink at home.  Suddenly I wanted to drink every night, and even though I didn't, it was really confusing.  It helped when I finally recognized it as a drug side effect.  I tried taking little or no diazepam to see what would happen, and sure enough, no alcohol cravings.  It's really hard to find the right balance of communicating with doctors to say I have an intense desire to abuse drugs / alcohol, I am not doing it, but if something doesn't change I will.  Sometimes I would give in and have 2-3 drinks, which would massively intensify the cravings the next day.  Adding the pain medication made everything worse.  Suddenly I was taking medications as prescribed and drinking an amount that might be normal for someone else, but I knew I was at risk of abusing any or all of them.  Like at any moment I would lose control.  I needed a new heart medication, but there was a delay in approval. By the time I got it, it was March which meant I had been on pain meds for over 4 months.  About 2 weeks in to the new med, my heart rate, blood pressure, muscle spasms, and chest pain were mostly controlled.  At that point, that meant that none of my old meds were medically necessary anymore.  I had to pull the beta blocker suddenly bc it was making my heart rate crash.  I had to pull the droxydopa bc my blood pressure was going way up and I was crazy wired.  I stopped the pain meds bc theoretically I shouldn't need them.  Even when I have been in pain since then, I have just muscled through.  I felt like I couldn't control the alcohol cravings without stopping the diazepam.  I don't even keep alcohol in the house, but the drive to go get it was terrible.  I cut diazepam down to 5 mg and immediately no rebound, no desire for alcohol.  That lasted about 2 days.  It's hard to say if it was the combination of stopping everything or if that reduction was too much, but I was so intensely miserable on 5 mg that I immediately realized I couldn't go through a drawn out reduction.   Higher dose meant risk of alcohol abuse, and 5 mg was already as bad as cold turkey.  I was constantly sweating and crying.  I think some of it was also opiate withdrawal at that point, but I didn't want to get another script to taper.  Again, I know this isn't what anyone would recommend, but it was a unique situation where I was on so much stuff that was modifying my nervous system / heart rate / blood pressure / behavior that there were risks on everything or off it.  Since the last doses, I have not had a single moment where I wanted to reach for medications even though they're all with me all the time just in case.  I've had terrible pain, anxiety, isolation, boredom, insomnia, and depression but no part of me wants any of it.  I wish I could get more help, it's hard to talk about because the last thing I need is for my medical chart to make people think I am drug seeking when I have an important thing I need them to pay attention to.  I have moments where I am so miserable I don't know what to do, but I just wait it out and the really bad moments get less bad after a few hours go by.  The hardest times are when I really believe I will never be ok or be able to be around people again.  Because my muscle spasms were visible, I have not been unmedicated around people in years.  It's weird to try to be around people now.  I didn't start diazepam because of anxiety, but now the social anxiety is almost unbearable.  It's really hard to think that it will probably be a couple of years before my mood gets better.  Looking back, I wonder how much of my life was impacted by my personality changes.  I am worried that my remaining relationships will suffer before this is over.  A very small part of me is proud of myself for making it this far.  I know I can keep going.  I just wish it wasn't so hard, and I wish i hadn't gotten this tangled up with social drinking because now I feel like I can't just be normal and have a glass of wine with friends if it is served.  I don't trust anything at this point, and I don't really know how to explain that I am not an alcoholic, I didn't misuse my prescribed meds, but I don't feel like I will ever have normal control over any of it unless I just avoid it 100%.

[[Br...]]

Hello @[do...] - welcome to BenzoBuddies!

We're glad you found us - I think the information and support you receive here will make a world of difference for you.  I'm sorry you've had to deal with so many difficult health issues and managing powerful medications.  You're right, of course, that we would never advise anyone to CT if there is a way to avoid it.  But we also know that CTs and rapid tapers don't prevent healing.  It may make withdrawal more challenging but it doesn't mean you won't heal.  

Please continue to reach out for support! You may want to start your own thread on the Benzo Withdrawal, Use & Recovery forum.

[[Re...]]

3 hours ago, [[H...] said:

Hi everyone,

I’m new to the site and feel a bit overwhelmed. Any advice on how to connect with others or what groups to start joining would be great. I’ve been on 1.5-2 mg of klonopin and multiple z drugs for over 10 years and have come off most of z meds- I want to start a taper of the klonopin (my psychiatrist is supportive of my decision) and I know I can’t do it without peer support. I’ve tried taper In the past but didn’t get far. Even really really small cuts hit me hard. I would be really grateful for some guidance on how to best connect and use the site and resources.

thank you!! 

@[Ha...], So glad you found this site before you start to make decisions about tapering. Some of us were not so fortunate and have suffered greatly as a result.

In terms of groups, Angela Peacock has Zoom tapering groups where you can get the support that you can rely on throughout your taper. There is a tapering guidebook that has the newest evidence-based recommendations on tapering as well that you can show your psychiatrist and also should read yourself called, The Maudsley Deprescribing Guidelines: Antidepressants, Benzodiazepines, Gabapentinoids and Z-drugs. You may order it on Amazon. Dr. Mark Horowitz, the leading expert on deprescribing who wrote the book gives consultations. 

Believe it or not, as you will see from reading many patient experiences on this site, most doctors are not informed about patient-led tapers and safer tapering guidelines of psych drugs, and that can lead to catastrophic patient harm. They don't learn how to deprescribe psych drugs in medical school so it is up to all of us to inform and try to protect each other.

If I were in your shoes knowing what I know now, I would go to Angela's groups, meet with her one-on-one, and read this book. Inform and protect yourself with knowledge and information. You can get some great advice online but also plenty that misses the mark.

Edited April 17 by [Re...]

[[Br...]]

@[Ha...] - welcome to BenzoBuddies!

Congratulations on seeking peer support as you navigate your taper.  It's great that your psychiatrist is supportive of your wish to taper. It would be ideal if you're able to work collaboratively with your psychiatrist to do a symptoms guided taper that is slower than those typically advocated by doctors who are not benzo-wise. As @[Re...] suggested, a very good resource on tapering benzos  is the Maudsley Deprescribing Guidelines for Antidepressants, Benzodiazepines, Gabapentinoids and Z-drugs.  Recently published, it's $40 on Amazon. I think it would be worthwhile asking your psychiatrist if they have access to a copy.  

Between the information and support you receive here and working with your psychiatrist I think you'll be well equipped to plan and carry out a sensible taper that keeps your withdrawal symptoms to a minimum so you're able to function as well as possible.

We'll be happy to help you get started.  As @[Co...] asked, please tell us what dose pills of Klonopin do you use and how you spread your dose over the day.

We're glad you're here!

[[do...]]

sorry hanna i didn't mean to post on your thread!

[[Co...]]

4 hours ago, [[d...] said:

sorry hanna i didn't mean to post on your thread!

Not a problem, @[do...]. I suggest that you copy your post from above and paste into a thread of your own.