What do you do/tell yourself?

[[It...]]

Hi all, 

Im hoping this will be a positive post - I think any of us years out have days where we just can't imagine doing any more time in this, so what I want to know is what keeps you going? What coping tools? What thoughts? What do you say to yourself? 

Maybe this is silly and I'll be the only one that comes back and reads it but I would love to know what gets you through. Maybe what gets you through could help someone else, give a different perspective, or mindset shift.. even if just in the moment. 

I'll go first. 

I love EFT tapping, I find it to be very helpful. 

I also try and remember that even if this lasts a decade (or god forbid longer) that this will still only be a chapter in my life, it won't last forever, even if there's lingering stuff long term it doesn't mean that things will be HARD indefinitely. 

 

What works for you? 

 

 

[[mo...]]

What works for me is believing that I might feel better tomorrow because I remember I had a little bit of calmness yesterday (surprisingly) where right now I don't. I have extra stress now to deal with my breast cancer diagnosis. And extra stress doesn't help my poor brain which was totally innocent when It was slowly fed poison by a medicine man turned villain while I stupidly remained mute. Anyway what has gotten me through 7 years of this is writing my stuff down in journal after journal, writing poetry, exercise walking while listening to music, praying, attempting to meditate (still working on that) and believing in myself. I took an interest in politics for the first time in my life and distracted myself with all the current drama about that. I became more spiritual. I did some EFT for a while and I liked that and probably should try it again. I changed my diet so that I eat more healthy than I ever did. I cry for a while every day because I grieve for my former self who used to be functional. But music is my greatest distraction and I am so grateful for it. Thanks for your interest. So many in my life seem to have given up me believing the docs who refuse to acknowledge the harm that they have caused my brain. And, last, but not least I have a husband who refuses to give up on me.

[[de...]]

What a great idea for a post!  @[mo...] you and I have some similar coping tools.  I always have hope that tomorrow will be a better day when I am in a rough spot.  I also dream about what I am going to do when I am more functional on a regular basis.  I journal, a lot.  There is just something about putting things down on paper that is soothing and helps me gather my thoughts.  I talk to friends on the phone.  I too grieve the life I once had.  I have lost a lot during this journey, but I have gained quite a few things as well.  I tell myself things could be much worse.  I am grateful for so many things and try to reflect every day on some of those things.    Those are just a few thoughts!  Thanks @[It...] for starting this thread!

[[Ti...]]

My dog keeps me going. I got him at 15 months post CT and he was as much of a mess as me at the time, little rescue guy with doggy PTSD. He’s come so far in healing, we both have. 
 

Believing that there is purpose to all of this suffering is key, even if just to find peace within myself and unconditional self love that wasn’t there before. I find myself visioning actually going back to work someday more days than not. I’ve progressed so much in 4 years, I have to believe there is an end to this. The alternative is just too much to bear. 
 

Seeing my friends and family for who they really are since the veil of drug induced numbness has been lifted has been eye opening. I only still have solid relationships with a few family members and my husband, and although our marriage has certainly been tested, the verdict isn’t out yet if we will survive this. Probably will. I’ve severed all former friendships, the ones that hadn’t already dropped me after years of health problems, and do look forward to making new friends now that I know who I truly am underneath, the authentic me that was drugged and hidden for so many years.

It’s a struggle to not look around and drown in sadness due to all the horrible we see on a daily basis, so finding joy in the smallest things keeps me going. The smell of fresh herbs as they are watered, the lone February begonia bloom, the visit from the Blue Jay fam, a random feather on my doorstep, the smiling grocery clerk. Little things I used to take for granted or not notice at all. 
 

Finally, growth keeps me going; rebirth after almost dying and having to relearn how to function. The opportunity to redo and reframe all that was lost before, not addressed or never attained. Feels somewhat like a second chance in life, as challenging as it is. Great thread, thank you @[It...]

[[Ma...]]

I stole this from Jen Swan:

It may not be today, but 1 day I will be okay, 1 day I WILL be okay!

I say it to myself constantly.

I’m also at the point where I am trying to make this ‘abnormal’ situation normal as in, Okay, this is what we’re dealing with today, so how can we manage it, make this day meaningful? If that means staying in bed then I will write an old school letter or card to friends far away; draw in a newly acquired sketchbook (neural pathways-must develop new neural pathways <!!>), play Scrabble with a bot on my phone (neural pathway!), pick a random page in the dictionary and try to remember 6 new words for the day…text witty memes or comments to friends that make them laugh…

I am also trying to ‘adapt’ as in, adapt or perish because my status quo (bed, couch, bed, bed, bed) is just no longer sustainable especially with spring arriving. A new French bakery opened so I have forced myself to go twice. My brain glitches, I get disoriented, I feel like a stroke in upon me so I just OBSERVE and push through. Same with the salon as I hadn’t got my hair cut for 16 months (gggrrr). Observe and do it. Same with walking my dogs-no longer around the block but 20 minutes to and back to the park. Adapt, focus, push. Surely it’s beneficial in many ways. Yes?

I’ve only seen 2 friends and yet I am planning on seeing more even if it’s absolutely excruciating (internally). I just tell self that they can’t tell what is happening in my benzo injured brain or body so, Observe, and push through this. It could be, what, another year, more? Nope.

And I have theater tickets for April, May, summer. I tell self, You can sleep through them, you can be incredibly uncomfortable but-somehow I have to regain some semblance of living. Will I actually attend? I don’t know, but it’s good to have something to look forward to. And if I can’t attend? That.Is.Okay.

I plan other things for better days via new clothes on eBay, creating playlists, menus & recipes for dinner parties; I scour sites about upcoming events, festivals in my vibrant city and visualize being there-and I try to get excited about my life. The life that will be! 
 

And I smile. I force myself to SMILE as often as possible! I figure it sends a message to the brain that everything is okay and it just feels better, I don’t know…😁

Edited March 2 by [Ma...]

[[Kr...]]

@[Ma...]are you on any psych meds that help you be positive ?I want to be like you but I’m not. 

[[Ma...]]

@[Kr...] No, none. I have just decided to adopt a different mindset.

I haven’t written my med history here because it’s complicated but I’ve basically been doing this-unwittingly and off and on-for almost 5 years.

The last 17 months have been beyond tragic for me and I’ve had it. I have lost so much, myself, my joy, my passions, my friends, my income-just too much,-but I know I can master my thoughts and I just made a decision that if that’s all I can do, then do it I will.

Hope. Dream. Believe. Breathe. Smile. Whatever it takes to get through the day. And, trust me, I cry in the bathroom every.day. Then, I brush myself off. Most times to get into bed but then I force myself to, say walk my dogs. The last 2 days I am shocked I didn’t faint in doing so, but you see, I didn’t, so I walked them again today.

Showering takes 45 minutes because I have to keep lying down but I decided I have to do this every day, not every 3 days, not when I feel ‘better’, and it’s incredibly painful. I make all sorts of vegan food from scratch and sometimes I have to hold onto the counter top, sit on the floor , but, damnit, I am just going to keep going. I’ve had it.

My long term memories are coming back in spurts and they’re reminding me of who I am. Who I was before being poly-harmed after my mother died a decade ago and I love that woman. I adore her and I am going to fight every day to bring her back. 

I dance on my way to the kitchen, 2 nights ago I mattress-danced to a song on Instagram. Does it feel good? Not really but I believe in muscle memory, in the indefatigable spirit. I have to believe my efforts will amount to something.

Look, sure some wake up and BOOM, healed, but that’s not going to be my story and I know some sort of osmosis isn’t going to occur through my pillow; nobody is coming to save me, so I have to do whatever I can within the scope of my control and creativity.
 

I’m  just going to keep trying any and everything possible to get mySELF back.

You can change your mindset. To be happy? I don’t know but I do know you and I can both make a choice to not wallow in our suffering. To accept, yes, I am suffering greatly-today. Now, let’s put that aside and smile. Let’s stand up and do some leg lifts so when we’re healed we’ll be buff!! Then laugh doing so because this is ridiculous!!

Lift your chin up and keep going!

Edited March 2 by [Ma...]

[[mo...]]

Here's a poem I wrote this morning. They say a thousand mile journey begins with just one step.

ONE

"And so I start with just a vague piece of hope

ONE...

One musical step

my legs at the ready again

ONE...

My heart moving in rhythm

the thieves at my back

ONE...

My spirit cracked open

my mind broken in pieces

ONE...

March winds

May flowers

Summer heat

Leaves falling

ONE...

Bones starting to break

No one listens

ONE...

Day after day

Week after week

Month after month

Year after year

ONE...

I can do this

I WILL DO THIS

ONE...

 

 

[[Kr...]]

@[Ma...]im not mentally equipped for that . I can’t even read or cook. We’re all at different stages of this. Anyway, you’re a remarkable lady, I physically can’t move the muscles in my face to make a smile. My benzo coach say not to force it. It’s a nervous system issue, not because I’m not willing to make improvements. I used to be so different. 
You’re going to heal, I just know it ❤️

[[Ma...]]

@[Kr...] You’re going to heal too! Last June-the fall I couldn’t lift my head. I couldn’t sit in a chair and had to have PT to relearn how to walk. And then some, trust me-it was almost biblical.

Healing is happening when you can’t see it and right now just breathe. Maybe visualize in your mind the very life you want and will have in the future. Smile with your eyes ☺️.

Keep going at the pace that is right for you right now and keep the faith and hope alive! ❤️

Edited March 3 by [Ma...]

[[Na...]]

@[Ma...]

You've got a great attitude and that will certainly help you get through the tough times as you go through this journey. But keep in mind here in the Long Hauler's group we've got people that are years off their last benzo intake. It can be a little difficult to maintain that high level of optimism after so long.

It takes some real intestinal fortitude to keep pushing forward as the years pile on. A lot of people here manage to push themselves forward after the optimism waned. Maybe at the end of the day stubbornness is what keeps most Long Haulers going. Or maybe it's orneriness. 

Looking at your posts you're 5-6 months off but still microdosing clonazapam, so your view is going to be a little different than someone that's three or six years off but still battling symptoms.

[[Ma...]]

@[Na...]

Edited to say ONLY this:

I’ve been doing this for 5 years. 5 years of essentially being homebound-alone. Presently at month 17 after a brief and brutal failed reinstatement.

Apologies for my optimistic mindset and trying to participate.

Edited March 3 by [Ma...]

[[de...]]

@[Ma...] Yes, your attitude is so admirable!  You have been through a lot!  An amazing journey to say the least.  I know other members are benefiting from your ability to encourage them in this process.

Five years is a long time to taper and suffer in this way.  I admire you greatly for the courage you have had to gather to fight this, especially living by yourself.   Congrats on being benzo free for 17 months!!   I know you said your situation is complex, but I would love to know more about the specifics of your journey if you are willing to share those!

I hope you continue to encourage others on all the different forums offered on BenzoBuddies, but we now only allow those who have been off benzos for 18 months to comment on posts in Long Haulers.  This is as much for the protection of the non-protracted person commenting as it is for the Long Hauler. We can be a bit ornery at times!!! This is a brand new rule and there are many people who were already part of Long Haulers before this was put in place that do not meet the threshold.  When Long Haulers was set up we really didn't do a great job of letting members know what the criteria is to be a member of this group.  There are some that might think it is for people who have been ON benzos a long time; that is not the purpose.  It is for those who have been OFF benzos for a long time.   

Thanks for your understanding!!!!

 

[[La...]]

Love this thread! Very nice! 
I tell myself that the wave I’m in- symptoms I’m feeling are uncomfortable but necessary to get me to the finish line. I say to myself, they’re not the real me but they’re the unhealed me. And that me is temporary! I look back on a year or two ago and see the improvements or things that are gone….I become grateful and more grateful. Then I say, these others will leave too! 
journaling is very helpful as the other buddies have said. Also it is a good idea to write a letter to your unhealed self and your healed self! The letter to your healed self you keep and read often. Give yourself a reward once a week for making it through the week…this can be anything you choose but I wouldn’t suggest expensive things unless you’re rich! It might be a little inexpensive figurerine of an angel or animal, a little chocolate, go get your nails or hair done, etc 

Positive affirmations go a long way. Especially when the intrusive thoughts or lies pop up. 

Edited April 4 by [La...]

[[Ne...]]

On 03/03/2024 at 00:03, [[N...] said:

@[Ma...]

You've got a great attitude and that will certainly help you get through the tough times as you go through this journey. But keep in mind here in the Long Hauler's group we've got people that are years off their last benzo intake. It can be a little difficult to maintain that high level of optimism after so long.

It takes some real intestinal fortitude to keep pushing forward as the years pile on. A lot of people here manage to push themselves forward after the optimism waned. Maybe at the end of the day stubbornness is what keeps most Long Haulers going. Or maybe it's orneriness. 

Looking at your posts you're 5-6 months off but still microdosing clonazapam, so your view is going to be a little different than someone that's three or six years off but still battling symptoms.

Nathan...thank you!  So well written for the true long haulers.  Nine years later for me with 6 severe, severe acute long setbacks (currently in hell month 13) as if I was withdrawing all over again.  I do believe it's the strong stubborn denial that keeps me fighting.  Short term 85 pills from start to end of taper barely 6 months after stupidly trusting my doctor for something to help me sleep. BenzoBuddies saved my life.  I was in interdose withdrawal the first month after taking 4-5 pills but I had no idea.  I found BenzoBuddies I believe the third or fourth month.  We are still here!  We are still fighting!  I rarely had ever even taken antibiotics or an aspirin!!!