Our Own Mortality

[[kn...]]

Probably the only positive thing that BZ WD has done for me is to give me a sense of my own mortality.  I hurt constantly, the quality of my life is poor, and I never know what's going to happen next.  Both of my parents died in nursing homes, frustrated, angry and depressed: consciousness trapped in a vehicle that could travel no further. An acquaintance said recently that "when the diapers go on, the black pill comes out".  I don't know if I'd go that far, but I supposed it depends on what shape my 'vehicle' is in when the diapers go on.  I live in a US state that permits euthanasia.  It really makes a person stop and think.  It might be time to edit my advanced directive to physicians.  

Edited February 20 by [kn...]
Administrative Request

[[An...]]

On 19/02/2024 at 13:24, [[k...] said:

Probably the only positive thing that BZ WD has done for me is to give me a sense of my own mortality.  I hurt constantly, the quality of my life is poor, and I never know what's going to happen next.  Both of my parents died in nursing homes, frustrated, angry and depressed: consciousness trapped in a vehicle that could travel no further. An acquaintance said recently that "when the diapers go on, the black pill comes out".  I don't know if I'd go that far, but I supposed it depends on what shape my 'vehicle' is in when the diapers go on.  I live in a US state that permits euthanasia.  It really makes a person stop and think.  It might be time to edit my advanced directive to physicians.  

I missed this post. What you said resonates with me. Now that I am a lot older, I often think about my own mortality too. How will I die? When will I die? What will I die from? Will my death be quick and painless or will I linger with intolerable pain and suffering before I die? I suppose there is no good way to die but I have seen ppl die good deaths with seemingly very little long-term suffering and I have seen ppl die bad deaths, sick, in pain, on many meds and many surgical interventions who have no real quality of life left the last few years before they finally die. When I can no longer remain independent and care for myself, I do not wish to prolong the inevitable with modern medicine where you are kept alive (by machines) in a sort of suspended animation with no quality of life left.

I think euthanasia should be legal in all US States. I would like to die with dignity with the least amount of pain and suffering as possible. Modern medicine can easily help ppl to die like this when that time comes.

[[kn...]]

@[An...]

Thanks for your reply.  It was the first and may be the only one.  My take on all this is the fact that I'm in my early seventies (72) and have been living in pretty much constant discomfort for the last 2.5 years since my BZ WD started.  I thought when I retired for the second time, just three years ago, that life would a little bit easier, my anxiety disorder would quiet down and I'd have a few years of peace.  You know the "Golden Years".  That has hardly been the case.  Now, I hope to just get through this (WD) with just a few good years left at the end.  A number of friends and relatives, around my same age or younger, have passed in the last few years.  And as for having a good day,  I doubt if that's going to happen any time soon.  I visited a different provider today to get a prescription for Diazepam.  I had to reinstate from 2 to 4 mg at the first of February because I'd held at 2mg for 5 months and still wasn't even close to stabilizing.  Before I left, I was accused of Dr. shopping and sent back to the behavior health dept.  Now BH is saying that they won't refill because I've been 'medically noncompliant'.  All I really wanted was oral solution so I could micro dose.  Now I can't even get pills.  I have only 7 days left.  Jumping from 4mgs???  Now that would be real suicide.  You'll have to forgive my attitude:  my anxiety/fear level is off the charts 

Edited March 5 by [kn...]

[[wi...]]

I know people who were forced to CT from 13 mgs of diazepam and have survived. It took a while and they were in their mid 60s. 
 

Hopefully you’ll get the pills and won’t need to ct.

[[An...]]

@[kn...]

How long have you been dealing with anxiety?

How long have you been on benzos?

When did you start having issues with tolerance w/d?

Getting older does suck IMO.

I felt invincible when I was in my 20s (even tho I was started on Xanax at age 24)

I am a lot older now and I feel much more vulnerable.

My mother has never had any issues with benzos but she has so many other health issues going on now at 80 years old.

Those so-called golden years are anything but golden for many ppl.

 

 

[[kn...]]

Hi again.  Generalized anxiety disorder has been with me as long as I can remember.  It is sometimes situational, but I feel the under currents constantly.  On the typical scale of 1-10 it is never less than 5.  I've been on benzos for 30 years.  Tolerance WD is not a term I'm familiar with.  I could say that my up dosing was on 2/6/24.  I had to move up from 2 to 4mg. I'd been hanging at 2 for 5 months (in acute) and could not stabilize. My actual taper started in Sept. of 21 with a cross over to 60 mgs of diazepam to start with.  I'm currently 72 and started taking 4mg of clonazepam and 1 mg of lorazepam daily when I was 42.