Such a heavy time of the year

[[Wi...]]

Just needed to vent a bit.

This was my 7th Christmas suffering, 4th off of all meds.

My family got together for over a week (I didn’t have any say in that because I’m still so incredibly disabled I completely depend upon my caretakers). I tried my best to navigate the stress and angry outbursts and the energetic presence of a small child but it was just too much and am know feeling it big time. Unfortunately my SI can still get really bad. 

It’s hard enough to spend these holidays alone in my room while trying to navigate the common spaces to gather some food from time to time but it is extra hard to always feel like no one really understands how much it takes to survive this. 

I feel like I am beyond burned out by this process and it’s a scary place to be because of the SI and any small change making it so much worse. Nothing I do seems to make any difference. What makes matters worse I cannot seem to feel even an ounce of compassion or gratitude or love in my body anymore. Not even for a second. It makes it often times unbearable.

Edited January 6 by [Wi...]

[[He...]]

Hi Wildling.

 I'm so very sorry to hear of your continued suffering.  It's really, really hard and no one else is going to understand. They just aren't.  After New Year's the pressures and crowded house will be in the past.  I hear you that nothing seems worth living for.  I can tell you just this.  I was MISERABLE for at least 13 years which included a lot of time while on the meds and then a couple of years afterward.  I was sick, felt crazy, had every possible symptom, nightmares, all of it.  I'm 2 1/2 years off all meds and wine and still have symptoms BUT I'm getting better (and I'm 62 years old).  For that reason, I believe the success stories and especially those of the long haulers as they show that time can heal.  I am not trying to push hopefulness on you because I truly felt there was no hope for me for a very, very long time. But I'm getting better and better baby step by baby step.  It went backward for a while and I think you may be doing that now.  Please know I'm pulling for you.  You are smart.  I'm sorry you are in the hell phase of your journey.  

Sending you a hug,
Helen

[[jo...]]

I’m sorry I don’t have much wisdom or hope to offer, but I want to add solidarity and compassion. You’re not alone. Fourth Christmas for me and also in a wave that is threatening to swallow me whole with aka and SI. Sending you healing and care and hoping this year gives us more windows and evidence of healing. 

[[Ca...]]

So sorry it's been so rough going. Yes, I can't really do much socializing, fortunately this year didn't have to but for a few short encounters. I just cannot take the stress at all. Most of us have become hyper-sensitive to stress. It can elevate other symptoms so we may have to avoid it altogether.

[[Ne...]]

I am 69 and live alone.  Entering my 11th month of my severe, mental and physical hellish setback.  No reprieve EVER.  I stayed alone over the holidays.  My choice.  I just can't socialize and see everyone happy.  It's too painful. (I haven't socialized at all anyway in this setback...just can't!) When you can't feel joy or pleasure and you see everyone else having a blast, it's just too much.  I really don't know how I have survived my hellish, long setbacks but this one is just too much.  I don't know how much more I can take.  

[[Wi...]]

Hi everyone and thank you for your kind replies. My original post was very doom and gloom and I edited it a little. It’s not exactly positive now either but unfortunately neither is my head space.

I don’t post that often anymore and I usually try not to post on my darkest days, but then again, during those days we need support and encouragement the most and need to be able to express things out loud (at least I need). 

Thank you for relating to what I wrote, it makes me feel a little bit less alone 🙏 So thank you for that. Somehow we just keep on going. It baffles me every single day how adaptive humans are to survive in such states. It really is miraculous to me.

Holding onto the idea of some relief at some point. It has to come right? because nothing stays the same. All things must pass. And this too will. Everyone says healing is the ultimate outcome. I don’t even care so much about physical healing (I’ve dealt with physical illness my whole life) but it is heartbreaking to think that I would have to live in such dark, fearful, doomy and gloomy head space for the rest of my life on this beautiful abundant planet. 

[[Wi...]]

On 31/12/2023 at 17:12, [[H...] said:

Hi Wildling.

 I'm so very sorry to hear of your continued suffering.  It's really, really hard and no one else is going to understand. They just aren't.  After New Year's the pressures and crowded house will be in the past.  I hear you that nothing seems worth living for.  I can tell you just this.  I was MISERABLE for at least 13 years which included a lot of time while on the meds and then a couple of years afterward.  I was sick, felt crazy, had every possible symptom, nightmares, all of it.  I'm 2 1/2 years off all meds and wine and still have symptoms BUT I'm getting better (and I'm 62 years old).  For that reason, I believe the success stories and especially those of the long haulers as they show that time can heal.  I am not trying to push hopefulness on you because I truly felt there was no hope for me for a very, very long time. But I'm getting better and better baby step by baby step.  It went backward for a while and I think you may be doing that now.  Please know I'm pulling for you.  You are smart.  I'm sorry you are in the hell phase of your journey.  

Sending you a hug,
Helen

Helen, you are always so kind and sweet ❤️ I appreciate you for taking the time and writing me such a heartfelt answer!

I do sometimes miss our chats in the old group. I am so happy to hear you are steadily seeing signs of healing and have restored faith in complete recovery. Your story is a long one and I am so sorry you had to go through all that suffering. I am sending you big hugs back and thinking of you.

With gratitude
Wild