Friendships

[[jo...]]

I just need to know if anyone can relate here about friendships: 
 

I’ve been sick for 3.5 years now. In that time most of my “friends” and family abandoned me. Many ghosted me (just stopped talking to me one day and never did again). Some I tried to keep making plans with but they kept making excuses before fading away. Some just eventually stopped contacting me. For years I have felt rejected, invisible, unimportant and irrelevant. I felt like because I could no longer work, or go out or “do” anything for anyone, that I became useless. 
 

I will just insert here that I have not worked since 2020. I cannot socialise much if at all. I have many physical and mental symptoms. I don’t have windows. I don’t really improve. My physical stuff has considerably worsened.
 

I’m also in my 30’s. So I’m missing out on pivotal years of getting married and having babies, which is what my peers are currently doing around me. 
 

In October I was part of my best friends wedding. It was the biggest thing I had done in four years. I can’t begin to explain what it took to get there. I have suffered ever since in a setback. I have not had one good day since June and things are even more dire since the wedding in October. 
 

I have that one best friend left, a male friend who I occasionally go for a walk with, my mum and her best friend. Them all my online buddies who truly get what I’m going through. My best friend makes some effort but she is also newly married with a full life. I am no longer able to keep up with that or do the things I used to. Lately I have felt less important and in the last year there’s been times I’ve been upset because it will go a week or two of texting where I’m asking many questions and she hasn’t asked how I am.

up until recent days I will push myself and go for lunch at a cafe for an hour or two. I also saw it as important to socialise and  remain human. But every time I do this I feel terrible afterwards. For multiple reasons. Mostly it’s overstimulating, I get horrible fatigue and muscle pain, I’m terrified and uncomfortable while I’m there and going into the 5th year of this ordeal, I’m truly sick of hearing about other peoples amazingly full and fun lives. While I sit on my couch like a blob watching these precious years go by without enjoying them. 
 

For years I’ve stayed interested and supportive. I’ve made effort. I’ve pushed myself to act normal and be present. But right now, I’ve hit a wall. I have no windows. I’m very sick and I’m bitter and sad that all these people around me have normal lives that I cannot have. I want to hide. I don’t want to socialise. I don’t want to have to act normal. I don’t want to suffer even more for days after. I don’t want to have to talk and make conversation and pretend I can keep up with normal life anymore. I need a break. I’m depressed, the anxiety is at aka level burning an Uncomfortable pain in my chest and body.

I should also mention I went through a horrific breakup 6 months ago. I realised I was being manipulated, used and cheated on. So I’m burnt out. It feels like only bad things happen for me. There’s only so much you can keep celebrating others and pretending to be normal and happy before it all gets to you.
 

I just don’t feel capable anymore.  

 

[[Ca...]]

I do get so much of what you are talking about and indeed it is a huge ordeal particularly if here at a little points in life that really count. The symptom to describe about the difficulties of socializing and of watching the world pass by, as well as the huge efforts you've put out trying to cope and stay positive and trying to mitigate this ordeal are exhausting and at times, such as in my case, even demoralizing. It is quite understandable that you might feel despondent, depressed, uneasy, anxious and grief stricken. They are natural under the circumstances. I have found it to be a deeply disturbing nightmare. But that's just my particular case and rather unusual. Most ppl do seem to fully recover or get to where there's light at the end of the tunnel.

[[...]]

Replying from my experience. It is normal to lose every single one of your supporters and friends in WD, or BIND as it is known now. As you recover, you will start to form new relationships. Might take a while, but you'll get there. You might even have a chance to repair old ones - with those people whom you will be able to explain to better what happened to you. Since this thing of losing relationships seems to be universal - it seems to be very difficult for other people to connect to us and to keep supporting us. Compassion fatigue is a thing. 

Right now just do what works for you. Whatever's easiest for you. Don't socialize when it's too hard. 

I'm 8 years off, or more. Something like that. Started losing track. I'm still not good at socializing, but I've been able to connect a little more to people. Doesn't take as long and is not as hard.