Major Depression, Anhedonia, Insomnia, No motivation/energy!

[[Ho...]]

Hi Benzo Buddies--

Looking for similar experiences and guidance! I am trying to understand if I fell into a Major Depressive Episode or if this is truly withdrawal from Xanax. (or possibly a mixture of both).  I have been on and off of a low dose of Xanax for roughly 10 years.  I took .5 to 1mg of Xanax for sleep only, never took during the day.  I did also drink socially on this as well throughout the years.  (Unknowingly that Xanax and alcohol impacts the same GABA in the brain).   Over the years I did not experience any type of withdrawal symptoms coming off of Xanax except for maybe some short term insomnia or short term brain fog.  About 7-8 weeks ago I stopped taking my .5mg Xanax for sleep pretty abruptly as I have done before.  About a week/week and a half later I started to experience ruminating thoughts that I could not stop.  Along with losing interest in things I was very passionate about.  A couple days later it was hard to even get out of bed and lost my appetite.   I am still experiencing Major Depression, anhedonia, dizziness, insomnia, no motivation or energy.  No improvements within the 7-8 week timeframe.  The depression is very dark and deep, with suicidal ideation.  

This is the complete opposite of how I typically am.  I was highly motivated, energetic and on the go young sales professional (35 years old).  I grew up an athlete and was going to the gym 4-5 times a week.  I have a family I deeply care about and want to get healthy for them more than anything.

I am currently at an outpatient facility.  They have put me on Zoloft for the depression. I turned down other sleeping medications.  I do not feel any difference being on the anti depressant as well. I have gotten multiple diagnosis's from the doctor's here.  Half believe this is Major Depression and the other half believe it was a mixture of Xanax and alcohol that lead to all of these symptoms and that time will heal the brain back to normal function.

My biggest concerns/fears is the depression and anhedonia.  I do not have any interest in things that i used to (sports, tv, kids, etc).  Does this come back?

Can you please let me know your thoughts and experiences if they relate to mine?  Thank you.

[[Pa...]]

Hello @[Ho...], welcome to BenzoBuddies,

My first reaction to your situation is its the Xanax, everything you’ve described fits benzodiazepine withdrawal symptoms, the loss of interest in life, the depression and the other symptoms you’re experiencing.  

We have many members who were able to discontinue benzodiazepines many times in the past with little difficulty, until it changes, this is due to the theory of kindling which I happen to agree with, here is the definition.  https://www.benzoinfo.com/kindling/

Some members have been helped by taking antidepressants, but for others, adding another medication while our central nervous system is so sensitized can make things more difficult.

Have any of your doctors suggested reinstating the Xanax and doing a slow taper?  This is a possibility, it will be difficult and you’ll likely still experience symptoms but this could possibly help make you more functional as you work your way off the drug.  Of course, if you wish to continue your cold turkey, you can expect more of the same for some time.  

Your brain adapted to the presence of the drug and now that you’ve removed it, those adaptations must be reversed and this takes time.

Let us know how we can help you.

Pamster

[[Ho...]]

Thanks Pamster for the quick response.  Yes, i actually tried to reinstate myself.  I took a .5mg for sleep about 6 weeks ago and i woke up and my body was covered in sweat from head to toe.  So i stopped for good.  After reading the kindling section that does make sense to what I am experiencing.  I know you have a lot of experience with benzo withdrawal.  Do you see these symptoms get better with time and how long does it typically take?  

[[Pa...]]

It sounds like reinstatement is off the table and I’m actually glad to hear it because tapering is no picnic and there is no guarantee you’d feel better doing it.  

I quit cold turkey because I didn’t know the drug had to be tapered and I recovered in about the same time as most who taper do.  There are many who believe quitting cold turkey will insure a longer recovery time but that’s not always the case.  

Your symptoms will get better with time but our recovery isn’t linear and that makes it difficult.  We might feel fairly good one day only to have symptoms ramp up the next, sometimes the changes happen minute by minute.

My suggestion is to start recording your symptoms and their severity because its difficult to see our progress.  I didn’t do this and my poor sick brain kept telling me I wasn’t improving even when I was.  I was able to return to full time work 3 weeks after my cold turkey, granted I was a mess but the distraction of work helped pass the time and time is what heals us.

As for how long it takes, I see most people here recover in the 1-2 year time frame, now I know that’s a disheartening number but it’s important to have a full understanding of what you’re facing so you can temper your expectations.

I hope you’ll educate yourself about your situation and come to accept whats happened to you because not many in the medical profession understand this and they’ll try to diagnose and drug you when what your brain needs is to repair the damage the drug did to you, not add more.  

[[Ho...]]

Thanks for all the detail in your responses.  It is very helpful for me.  

Did you experience some of the same symptoms that I do during your CT? Did you experience loss of emotions/joy for life? That is amazing you went back to work 3 weeks after, I wouldn't be able to do my job at this time.  

I originally didn't even think this could be withdrawal from Xanax but after doing research is what lead me to Benzo Buddies.  I agree, the doctors and psychiatrists and even my family dismiss this and push the anti-depressants.  I know that my family cares and they are desperate for me to get better but something inside me says to get off the anti-depressant as well.

[[Pa...]]

This process robs us of our positive emotions, we can’t feel love, joy or happiness and we’re left with only fear, apathy and hopelessness.  While I was recovering, a co-worker I’d known for years died in a freak ATV accident and the only thing I could feel was envy, so yes, I had the same symptoms you’re dealing with.

This is rough on our families, they take their cue from the doctors and when the doctors don’t acknowledge our situation, our families think we’re faking it or are in denial about having a mental illness, one of the labels the doctors heap on us because they don’t understand what benzodiazepines to do the nervous system.  But it sounds like you already understand that your GABA receptors have been down regulated as a result of the drug so you’re way ahead of where I was in understanding what’s happened to you. 

As for discontinuing the antidepressant, how long have you been on it?  I’d hate to see you upset your system more by tapering it if your body has acclimated to it so take that into consideration if you’re considering it.  

[[Ed...]]

Welcome, @[Ho...]. You might want to glance at my post on the condition of "avolition" (which I'm still suffering) - from reactions I've received it's a common state that seems to show up in mid-tapering withdrawal for a lot of us. I've just recently connected the dots that my paralyzing lethargy may very well be worsened by the fact that I have long covid, and a recurrence of PTSD due to recent traumas and grieving - everything that can make major depression worse. My emotional state right now is I've "reached absolute bottom but still digging"!

[[Ho...]]

12 minutes ago, [[P...] said:

This process robs us of our positive emotions, we can’t feel love, joy or happiness and we’re left with only fear, apathy and hopelessness.  While I was recovering, a co-worker I’d known for years died in a freak ATV accident and the only thing I could feel was envy, so yes, I had the same symptoms you’re dealing with.

This is rough on our families, they take their cue from the doctors and when the doctors don’t acknowledge our situation, our families think we’re faking it or are in denial about having a mental illness, one of the labels the doctors heap on us because they don’t understand what benzodiazepines to do the nervous system.  But it sounds like you already understand that your GABA receptors have been down regulated as a result of the drug so you’re way ahead of where I was in understanding what’s happened to you. 

As for discontinuing the antidepressant, how long have you been on it?  I’d hate to see you upset your system more by tapering it if your body has acclimated to it so take that into consideration if you’re considering it.  

Thanks Pamster.  The downregulated GABA receptors can cause the depression, insomnia, anhedonia, etc?  Or is there more going on?  

Regarding the anti-depressant- I am on 50mg of Zoloft (which to my understanding is not even a therapeutic dose).  I would say I have only been on the anti-depressant for approx 2.5 weeks.  

[[Pa...]]

@[Ho...], I believe you’re suffering from benzodiazepine withdrawal, everything you’ve mentioned fits what we see here, day in and day out so no, I don’t feel there’s more going on than that.  But I don’t know your situation, have you felt like this before taking or stopping the Xanax or does the timing point to withdrawal?  It sounds like you took the Xanax for sleep, that’s what I took Klonopin for so I was able to draw a line straight to the drug as the source of my pain.  

I’ve read others here mention that it can take up to 6 weeks for an A/D to reach therapeutic levels, you might be okay to stop taking it but I’d discuss it with your doctors and family before doing so.  You mentioned having ideation so stopping the A/D isn’t something to take lightly.  I understand the dark and suffocating aspects of depression, I experienced it too and while I understood it was caused by the drug, it was still scary. 

 

 

[[Ho...]]

ok thanks.  No i never experienced any major withdrawal symptoms.  I would say minor insomnia for a few days/week along with some brain fog.  However, they all resolved within a week or so. 

I've never experienced these symptoms before or anything close to this in my life.  This is hell on earth.  

Did you lose all motivation with your depression? how did you realize your depression was getting better?  Did you regain your personality, interests, etc after healing?

  Sorry for all the questions- it feels better to talk to someone who has experienced this before.  

[[Pa...]]

It is hell, it was the worst experience of my life, I lost my connection to myself, which made it impossible to connect with others.  The intrusive thoughts constantly battering me into thinking I was a terrible person, the fear of things I’d never given a second thought to, the physical, emotional and mental torture is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.  But for as terrible as it is, we recover, we regain everything we’ve lost and I know it sounds impossible but we can come out on the other side unscathed, like it never happened.  

 

 

 

 

[[Ho...]]

Thanks- that is encouraging to hear that we can regain everything like it never happened.  Did it feel like a rebirth?  Must be an amazing feeling coming out the other side of this.  

When you say you lost connection with yourself-  does it feel like you know your true self is inside but you cannot access those feelings/emotions/personality?

I also experience headaches/head pressure and dizziness/vertigo.

[[Pa...]]

It’s amazing when we fully recover, when we finally trust its gone.  It’s been many years for me but I still remember the day I knew I had recovered, I’m still grateful. 

My connection to myself was totally lost, I had no confidence there was anything left of me.  This process affects us all so differently, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t access the part of me that puddles up when I’m touched by something or someone, but others here can’t quit crying.  It’s like we all suffer from the same thing but it manifests in so many different ways it easy but difficult to relate. 

Chapter 3 of the Ashton Manual lists our symptoms and why we might be feeling them, I found it comforting. 

[[Ho...]]

Pamster- how long is it considered OK to reinstate and slow taper?  I know you mentioned this before but I was curious if I could still do this

[[Th...]]

Reinstating is a personal decision, but IMO I would avoid all future Benzo use the same way you'd avoid rat poison.  Benzos cannot cure any illness or condition and only "mask" symptoms by down regulating and/or destroying GABA receptors.  When you stop taking Benzos, all of the symptoms are caused by the damaged or destroyed GABA receptors that need plenty of time to heal and/or regrow.  The theory is a slow taper can help avoid symptoms and symptom intensity, but there is NO guarantee of that.  I've been on these boards a long time and I have rarely seen anyone escape Benzo withdrawal form a slow taper.  Good luck!

[[Hu...]]

If there is one thing I can say to you Hopeful4 is don't give up. I know what benzo depression looks like. Suicidal thoughts. Even writing goodbye letters and stuff. The deepest sadness. I know it all. It is a fake depression for me. If lifts tremendously when I take the Ativan I still use for crossing over. There are moments I still like playing the piano, or imagine having a life again, with citytrips, meeting new ppl, dating, vacations etc. But for now I just postpone it. It is what it is. I tell myself: So what. So what I can't do it now, doesn't matter. I can still do creative things, or develop myself in other ways. The cryingspells, being out of breath. But still I'm not so sick I can't walk, or even swim, climb, maybe run for a minute. No, it is the pills that do it. I could easily do 300lbs deadlifts a couple years ago. Pullup 20 times like it was nothing. I guess I have to give all the fears and trauma's in my life a place and finally give in to all the wallowed away grief and mourning. It was just the way I was raised. As a "big boy don't cry" and "work and study, go on". Every regret, mistake, a dog that died, breakup. Every small thing becomes huge with this benzo induced depression. Or maybe it tells you something. And you've learned a lot more than people who had an easy time.

Edited December 11, 2023 by [Hu...]

[[Ed...]]

Just my difficult experience here. I have no advice to give, but maybe my story may reassure others in dealing with their symptoms.

After 18 years of slowly increasing doses of xanax, I started a slow taper down. Two years into this taper (from 8mg to 2mg), I was updosed by a new drug manager 1 mg more per day (to 3mg) and began the planned slow taper again. (Not really reinstated - i.e., not a restart back from 'cold turkey' - but it was close.)

This updose was done by the new drug manager because for a short period (three months) I was forced to rely on a young doctor who knew very little about benzo addiction and w/d, and he had stubbornly cut me back way too fast. I developed bad insomnia, akathisia, headaches, cold sweats, waking in panic, etc. I was weaker, sicker, and frighteningly exhausted every day (but more anxious than depressed).

Then, an expert psychiatric nurse practitioner immediately raised my dosage by 1mg and held it for two months and then continued my slow tapering again. What a relief! Healthy sleep at last, sitting quietly and reading, no throbbing or "swollen feeling" in the head.

However, now that I'm striving to keep my dosage down to 2mg every day again, I'm overwhelmed with serious depression - distressing lack of all motivation (anhedonia, avolition, constant fatigue) - and extra high blood pressure (now controlled with BP meds). However, I don't have the insomnia, cold sweats, or raw panic attacks that I had the previous time at 2mg! (???) Not a good trade-off of symptoms, but I'm just going to push on through this time. TMS is being considered as a non-drug treatment for the deep depression. SSRIs and other drugs have not proven to be of any help.

Edited January 4 by [Ed...]
Corrected and updated information

[[Pa...]]

20 hours ago, [[H...] said:

Pamster- how long is it considered OK to reinstate and slow taper?  I know you mentioned this before but I was curious if I could still do this

There are some who say if you’re going to reinstate, best to do it within a couple of weeks but I don’t know who determined that.  From what I’ve seen here, some who reinstate and taper feel it helped them, others regret it.

Like @[Th...] mentioned, its a personal decision but I’m glad you’re seeking input before making it. 

[[Ma...]]

On 08/12/2023 at 17:03, [[H...] said:

Thanks- that is encouraging to hear that we can regain everything like it never happened.  Did it feel like a rebirth?  Must be an amazing feeling coming out the other side of this.  

When you say you lost connection with yourself-  does it feel like you know your true self is inside but you cannot access those feelings/emotions/personality?

I also experience headaches/head pressure and dizziness/vertigo.

I can relate to you.. my experience is different as I was on an ssri for 18 years and was ct and started Ativan to deal with withdrawal symptoms. Iv been tapering Ativan and the crushing depression one of the worst symptoms. It’s getting worse every cut as I come down in dose. I will say that ssris cause as much if not more disruption to your brain when you try to come off. What you did starting zoloft is what I did starting benzos just backwards. All I came to say is that the brain takes time to heal and this is a very real symptom of coming off of benzos. Hoping for a quick recovery for you 🤍

[[me...]]

I once spoke to a mental health worker and he admitted the medications are just a mental Kish..when you think they dish these meds out with no though and leave us to get on with it... It needs a more humanistic approach....  .the Bedouins have no mental health problems....the western world is so out of touch with what should matter everyone controlled by un feeling medical staff.i ther is no interaction with them