Always changing

[[kn...]]

Probably the most frustrating part of the whole WD thing is never knowing how I'll "show up" when I climb out of bed.  Friday, one hour of grocery shopping almost killed me, yesterday I was able to carry a step ladder around and trim up the hedge.  Go figure.  It is impossible to plan anything.  Everything just keeps changing and it seems like I don't have any real control over it.   If I'm  honest with myself, though, this is the way it's always been.  We breathed a collective sigh of relief when the kids were finally out of diapers, only to have them grow into teenagers...OMG!  We finally funded college for them, only to have them marry and move to opposite coastlines. (some gratitude, eh?).  My wonderful career ended, unplanned, when I was diagnosed with cancer: surgery, radiation, recovery.  It was a happy day, but then we came to the reality that my pension would'nt cover our monthly expenses; we were too young to collect social security, and way too soon to acess retirement savings.  So.... I went back to work for ten years as a mental health ombudsman.  That took its course, only for Covid to hit the scene.  We survived, and I went to an appointment with my new psychiatrist.  He informed me that he was tapering me off Benzos (love how he said that).  Turns out I was too old, took too much for too long.  So here I am today, never really able to plan anything.  I should have figured it out by now.  I was watching Johnny Carson (back in the day) when he had John Lennon on one night.  John said that "Life is what happens while you're making other plans".  He was right, of course.  But then the poor guy was shot and killed.  I know he never planned that.  I know, I know, the only certainty in life is the  continued evolution of change.     

[[bw...]]

Thats the whole wonder of the non linear process of benzo symptoms. It would be easier if it would be a straight line. (Like you get a cut and you watch it heal slowly)

 

Im the same. I was collecting fallen tree branches and dragging them accross my farm in 30c dry aussie heat. With no issue.

2 weeks later (last night I went to sleep thinking there is absolutley no way I will make it through the night) i thought I was about to die.

[[Wa...]]

Yes me too.   I can be out with friends one evening then bedridden the next day - I find it so frustrating because I hear things like ‘There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with Carol’ because people only see me in a ‘window’.  No-one other than my husband realises how desperately ill I have been for over 2 years, they think I am malingering I reckon 😢

[[me...]]

I'm much the same. I don't sleep try and get things done then laid up for a few days 😉