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I FEEL MYSELF SINKING


[MA...]

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Sometimes I don't even want to talk. I find myself sinking in a space I cannot get out of. So tired of trying to be normal. I feel no happiness. no laughter, no joy..nothing. I don't feel nothing anymore. I just cry . I'm so tired of not being able to breathe, heart racing,surges through my body, pain, weakness, so weak.

I'm tired of not living. It's been so long. Every nite I pray for tomorrow to be better. I can hardly open my eyes in the morning. I wake up not being able to breathe and my heart racing and before I open my eyes,i just pray.

Oh G8d, not another day.

I don't feel like i belong anywhere. The man in my life doesn't want to be around me because he says he cannot stand hearing me gasp for air anymore and i'm too depressing to be around. I cannot even respond to him. I just don't care anymore. I try to stay positive but I feel like I'm at war with a monster that is far greater than me.

I don't know where me is anymore. She is somewhere inside but I cannot reach her.

I feel like i'm gonna end up in a crazy house for the rest of my life.so depressed

I cannot get up and clean or cook like i use to so i just lay her and look out the window for hours. day after day

I hope i have the strength to get through this. I hope

thanks for listening :-[

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I am sorry to hear how you suffer.

 

I feel much like you...that feeling of sinking deeper and deeper into depression. A dark space where I must swim or sink; but I am flailing wildy, hoping I can keep my head above the murky surface of depair. I do not know what laughter is. For 7 years I have had this somber look plastered on my face, or this angry scowl and when and if I do go out - there I put on a mask to pretend I am happy and normal. How shocked would those people be if my mind could be listened upon...where they could hear all of the ideations that permeated my aching brain. I am numb to life...I am walking through life and no longer enjoying anything. All those things I hold dear, my creativity, my love of art and writing...I just stare longingly at it and wonder if I will ever be able to create anything worthwhile...I don't know how to enjoy life anymore. Once upon a time, I knew exactly what I wanted and what I needed to do...now I cannot decide...I cannot deliberate what is right or wrong or neutral.

 

Another day, how eloquent. Another day of hell, where I must strengthen my resovle to go all the way. Until strange sensations inundate me and fear slowly creeps throughout my body and mind. Soon after hell breaks lose and the ideations, rumination and anger begin to run rampant. Then I just runaway...get on my bike with the hopes that I can outrun the devil...that has possessed my mind.

 

Like you, the woman in my life seems more distant and though she reassures me...doubts run through this tortured mind. Silently those feelings of continued loss grow and that I am a pariah and that I will never know what human contact is and that I will never taste the grandeur that is love. I am emotionless in the sense that those pure, endearing emotions do not exist within, while those emotions I hate most run rampant throughout my very core. Love, joy, happiness are nonexistant in my life.

 

All those sensations of feeling unwanted or being jugded because of my moods..I can't stop thinking about these. I remember being there when people were in need; now when it is me...everyone finds a reason to make excuses...but strangely when I call for support...they are doing this or out there with this person and I am alone...dying inside. I have lost me...to this drug. Sometimes I am afraid that I will never recover the me that was. Long ago...I had friends and people who cared and I could laugh and inspire. Now I am a nothing and I wonder if this is worth the battle. But I fight onward. I have hope. The monster has racked its lot in points...Travuz so far has a big round zero.

 

All we are left with is hope, faith and prayer. Elusive as it is...hope is our driving force. If we lose our hope...we have very little left. Continue to hope and pray. Continue to believe for the sake of believing. If there is a light at the end of this tunnel; we have to continue to reach for it. My faith has been challenged lately...but I pray anyway. Some say there is a lesson is this...then I have to believe...even though my mind will hold a debate on how valid this is. I have to believe and so do you.

 

Be strong and never let go of hope...sometimes something so simple might be all we need to get us through another day. And that is a sign that we are stronger than we might want to believe. Take care...have hope and find peace of mind.  When you look out a window...as long as the sun exists so does hope.

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                  I cannot tell you what your reply did for me. I believe G8d has sent me an angel of courage and hope and that is YOU. There are no words that can tell anyone what it feels like ,is there

I am a singer and can hardly speak, I am a dancer and can hardly walk, I am a photographer and can hardly pick up my camera. I know what you feel like. There is a world between me and this drug.

I am off benzos for nine months and neurontin for five months. When I came off the neurontin I thought my brain was going to explode. I begged for someone to just put me out of my misery.I just wanted to die. I never felt so insane in my life. The surges come in my body all day and when they come my heart races and I can hardly breathe. I do keep praying because I know there is a higher power than us. and a stronger power than these drugs. I can only hope as you say that someday G8d will answer my prayers and put my body and mind back together again.Please keep in touch with me. Don't let go of my hand. I need you.

Stay with me and walk this path and I am sure that through pray and our encouragement we will be ok.

We will heal. Believe with me.

I will pray for you. Let's believe.Please

Marlene

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Marlene

 

That is all we have. Whenever fear and pain are to much...look for hope and search for peace of mind. Take a deep breath and taste life. That is the hard part of this journey; the belief that this will ever be over. But I hope...I really hope that I can reach that point...where I have my own succes story. So continue the fight...and I will pray for you as well. I hope you taste freedom from pain and this horror that we endure every day.

 

This is a favourite prayer of mine.

 

Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

 

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

 

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console:

to be understood, as to understand

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

 

Amen

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