THE MOST UNEXPECTED SUCCESS, WORTH THE WAIT!!!

[[Ke...]]

Dear Buddies, 

I have honestly not been on here in years, but there was a time when I could not have gotten through the pain and the seemingly endless, torturous climb (which for me lasted 10 brutal years) without this amazing, hopeful, inspiring, honest community. I am forever grateful for BB. Time and time again, I doubted things would ever get better. I tried so hard to stay positive but it was hard. There was a time toward the end of my recovery when things seemed to get worse, like I was getting kicked while I was down. I couldn't handle heat (it would make me lose my vision and feel like I wasn't there), hunger (would make me panic), I would often lose my vision and see through almost like a smoky film where I felt like a ghost, it was so weird. Not only could I not handle lights or sounds (like the grocery store or a restaurant), I was petrified to be alone (when I was alone I'd panic) and I was scared to leave the house. I missed so many events, my best friend's wedding (too scared to fly), baby showers, etc. I didn't want to panic if I got hungry or got scared to be out of the house. I was scared to drive, even down one block. I was afraid of fainting. I was afraid to shower, I was afraid to pee and would avoid going to the bathroom, but then not going would make me feel like I was going to panic... I panicked often, like sweating, shaking, outrageous unmanageable panic sometimes. It would come on and it was hard to stop. You guys, it was SO BAD. It was unbearable. This is just scratching the surface in terms of my experience.  

I just want to share what happened next.

I started exposure therapy which was HARD. Gradually pushing myself to face these fears one by one was exhausting, terrifying and so much work. In the beginning we just talked about facing them, and even that was scary and I would cry after just talking about going shopping, into a store. Then I would drive there (even with someone) and I would cry in the car in fear of getting out. Gradually, I grew curious to explore in baby, baby, baby steps. I would accomplish a tiny milestone like walking into a grocery store about 5 steps in and standing by the flowers crying, then without crying, and then sitting in the car, or driving around the block first thing in the morning (then segued into morning driving practice the first thing I would wake up). I would succeed at a tiny crumb of an accomplishment and I would get a rush, I would be so proud of myself. I would try to play 2 minutes of tennis (which made me so dizzy), or just hold the racquet. There is an amazing instagram account called Your Anxiety Toolkit led by an amazing human. Her mantra is "It's a beautiful day to do hard things." I started repeating that to myself over and over, alongside my exposure practice, prayer, BB chats... I hit some major road blocks, but I kept going. I kept with the baby steps, doing the work even when I didn't feel the progress. Flash forward 2 years...

I just returned from France for 2 weeks. I flew to Paris from LA by myself and met my family there. We sailed for a week in the Riviera, then took a train to Provence where we explored the many villages of the Luberon Valley. It was a dream. It was the most relaxing vacation ever. We ate amazing food, we walked a ton, we swam in the ocean, we sailed (in a storm even). The flight was relaxing... and last year I flew to Spain by myself for a week on a sailboat. I share this not in a braggy way at all (obviously) but to show what is possible! It's hard for me to even believe that I am doing these things, but also not really because the healing was so exponential and there is so much possibility for all of us! Sometimes I am literally pinching myself bc it's hard to process the difference. 

I am in my 6th year of growing a business I own. I initially started it with a partner who attempted to screw me over when I was really struggling (just as Covid was starting), but I rose above, with my hellish protracted withdrawal symptoms and all. Sometimes I think having to overcome that situation helped me get stronger because it was such a huge distraction and I was so intent on not letting this partner get away with what he did, even thought at times it was hard to function. I kept going. I have started playing tennis again. I was chosen to be a fellow for a major designer's foundation and went to New York for a week to learn and grow, along with a year long program of being out of my comfort zone. I lost 20 pounds this year, returning to my normal weight, which I think is because my nervous system is returning to normal and the cortisol leveling out. I finally enjoy exercise (I used to be afraid of it, and I used to break down in tears while lifting any weight). I used to have to eat 6 meals per day instead of 3, along with snacks and even in the middle of the night to avoid unbearable panic. I am driving and not only do I not get scared or fuzzy, I enjoy it. I love grocery shopping - it's almost a joke among my family bc I get so excited to go into markets because I missed out on that for so long. I often run to the store more than once a day just because it makes me so incredibly happy to be inside a grocery store. I can eat in restaurants and I love going out to eat. I love driving. I love an occasional half glass of wine. I have been to a concert, to a baseball game, to social engagements. I went to a conference with 2000 people, calm as a cucumber. I am not ultra sensitive and worrying all the time about my health. I am still having to make an effort to be social because for so long (and then Covid) I got used to hanging solo in r&r mode when my symptoms were going strong, so I feel like I am still working on reestablishing my friendships, but I'm doing my best.

I got my life back. I am living again. Trust me, if I could get here after the dark, long, hard road I was stuck on for so long.... you can too. It is possible. It will happen. A few thoughts from someone who has been at the very lowest point, in and out of the hospital dealing with the messiest, scariest, worst moments: You are healing, even when you don't see it. You will heal. The minuscule milestones matter. Stay kind to yourself. Believe in healing, visualize what you will do when you heal. Love yourself, even when you feel at your lowest. Be patient. Meditate. Enjoy any little joys you can, because they will grow from there. I am so confident in your healing. Just keep the faith and it is never too late for healing... for making up for lost time. Focus on your blessings, get creative. I think this is powerful. Count three blessings each day. Do something kind for yourself each day, especially when you feel bad. Try to not focus on what isn't right but try to put your focus on the good, even if it's a sliver of hope or progress, as it will grow exponentially. The wait is worth it, trust me. The healing is worth the wait!   

Sending love and strength to everyone here. <3 So grateful for this community.

Love,

Faith

 

 

Edited September 20, 2023 by [Ke...]

[[Sc...]]

How can a physical injury heal with exposure therapy? 

[[Sw...]]

@[Sc...] what do you mean? She didn’t have a physical injury… she had panic attacks 

[[pi...]]

@[Ke...], you are a true example of courage and fortitude. Withdrawal was a very rough and difficult road for you to traverse, you did it though, as you say with baby steps. It’s wonderful how you are out enjoying life, traveling and growing your business.

Thanks for taking time to come back and post this inspiring message. Our members need to hear from those who healed from a challenging withdrawal and recovery! 
 

pianogirl 

[[ja...]]

Your check in made me weep... thank you❤️❤️❤️

[[Ch...]]

@[Ke...] I needed this so much today, thank you. I'm almost 7.5 years out and yes...it's been really bad, especially in the last year and a half. I've had a lot of stressful, really crappy things outside of my control. I cope the best I can and try to hope. Today was a really bad day. Anyway, lately I've been forcing myself to do certain things I've been avoiding for a long time, mainly driving, strength training, and cooking. It's getting a little easier, so long as I don't drive far and don't do too many reps. I'm easing into things. I'm not sure exposure therapy works for us in the same way it would someone not in withdrawal, but it lets us take a little of our power back and that's important. 

Anyway, I haven't been able to really relate to anyone's experience much in awhile, so thank you for posting your story. It's encouraging. And congrats to finally be feeling healed.

Edited September 22, 2023 by [Ch...]

[[he...]]

On 20/09/2023 at 11:22, [[S...] said:

How can a physical injury heal with exposure therapy? 

 

On 20/09/2023 at 16:37, [[S...] said:

@[Sc...] what do you mean? She didn’t have a physical injury… she had panic attacks 

because of a benzo injury... which is basically like a brain injury so physical... i think things like exposure therapy can only help once healing has come a long way and you are already at thej brighter side of things, then it can heal what got kinda stuck while healing from the benzo, but not until the brain has healed

[[Br...]]

@[Ke...]  Thank you for coming back and sharing your story!  It's an amazing gift to other members who are in the thick of withdrawal symptoms.  Going through exposure therapy must have taken enormous courage but it sounds like it paid off immeasurably. 

[[Fa...]]

@[Ke...] Thank you so much for taking time out of your now busy, productive and happy life to come back and remind others that healing happens... even if it takes longer for some!  Your patience and determination are inspiring.  Enjoy your life!

[[Th...]]

Wow congratulations that’s amazing to read. You sure have some strength in you!

[[ap...]]

What a beautiful post. I felt somewhat overwhelmed but in a lovely way. Thank you for coming back to tell us all about it. I am naturally creative and it is slowly returning 

[[Lo...]]

@[Ke...] Thank you for sharing your success story.  This is very reassuring.  Did you also have physical symptoms? 

[[Je...]]

@[Ke...] Thank you so much for sharing your amazing journey! It was so uplifting to read! I have panic attacks, too, and have had exposure therapy, biofeedback, meditate, etc., and it really does help, but it is a LOT OF WORK! Good for you!! Baby steps! 

[[er...]]

On 20/09/2023 at 01:39, [[K...] said:

Dear Buddies, 

I have honestly not been on here in years, but there was a time when I could not have gotten through the pain and the seemingly endless, torturous climb (which for me lasted 10 brutal years) without this amazing, hopeful, inspiring, honest community. I am forever grateful for BB. Time and time again, I doubted things would ever get better. I tried so hard to stay positive but it was hard. There was a time toward the end of my recovery when things seemed to get worse, like I was getting kicked while I was down. I couldn't handle heat (it would make me lose my vision and feel like I wasn't there), hunger (would make me panic), I would often lose my vision and see through almost like a smoky film where I felt like a ghost, it was so weird. Not only could I not handle lights or sounds (like the grocery store or a restaurant), I was petrified to be alone (when I was alone I'd panic) and I was scared to leave the house. I missed so many events, my best friend's wedding (too scared to fly), baby showers, etc. I didn't want to panic if I got hungry or got scared to be out of the house. I was scared to drive, even down one block. I was afraid of fainting. I was afraid to shower, I was afraid to pee and would avoid going to the bathroom, but then not going would make me feel like I was going to panic... I panicked often, like sweating, shaking, outrageous unmanageable panic sometimes. It would come on and it was hard to stop. You guys, it was SO BAD. It was unbearable. This is just scratching the surface in terms of my experience.  

I just want to share what happened next.

I started exposure therapy which was HARD. Gradually pushing myself to face these fears one by one was exhausting, terrifying and so much work. In the beginning we just talked about facing them, and even that was scary and I would cry after just talking about going shopping, into a store. Then I would drive there (even with someone) and I would cry in the car in fear of getting out. Gradually, I grew curious to explore in baby, baby, baby steps. I would accomplish a tiny milestone like walking into a grocery store about 5 steps in and standing by the flowers crying, then without crying, and then sitting in the car, or driving around the block first thing in the morning (then segued into morning driving practice the first thing I would wake up). I would succeed at a tiny crumb of an accomplishment and I would get a rush, I would be so proud of myself. I would try to play 2 minutes of tennis (which made me so dizzy), or just hold the racquet. There is an amazing instagram account called Your Anxiety Toolkit led by an amazing human. Her mantra is "It's a beautiful day to do hard things." I started repeating that to myself over and over, alongside my exposure practice, prayer, BB chats... I hit some major road blocks, but I kept going. I kept with the baby steps, doing the work even when I didn't feel the progress. Flash forward 2 years...

I just returned from France for 2 weeks. I flew to Paris from LA by myself and met my family there. We sailed for a week in the Riviera, then took a train to Provence where we explored the many villages of the Luberon Valley. It was a dream. It was the most relaxing vacation ever. We ate amazing food, we walked a ton, we swam in the ocean, we sailed (in a storm even). The flight was relaxing... and last year I flew to Spain by myself for a week on a sailboat. I share this not in a braggy way at all (obviously) but to show what is possible! It's hard for me to even believe that I am doing these things, but also not really because the healing was so exponential and there is so much possibility for all of us! Sometimes I am literally pinching myself bc it's hard to process the difference. 

I am in my 6th year of growing a business I own. I initially started it with a partner who attempted to screw me over when I was really struggling (just as Covid was starting), but I rose above, with my hellish protracted withdrawal symptoms and all. Sometimes I think having to overcome that situation helped me get stronger because it was such a huge distraction and I was so intent on not letting this partner get away with what he did, even thought at times it was hard to function. I kept going. I have started playing tennis again. I was chosen to be a fellow for a major designer's foundation and went to New York for a week to learn and grow, along with a year long program of being out of my comfort zone. I lost 20 pounds this year, returning to my normal weight, which I think is because my nervous system is returning to normal and the cortisol leveling out. I finally enjoy exercise (I used to be afraid of it, and I used to break down in tears while lifting any weight). I used to have to eat 6 meals per day instead of 3, along with snacks and even in the middle of the night to avoid unbearable panic. I am driving and not only do I not get scared or fuzzy, I enjoy it. I love grocery shopping - it's almost a joke among my family bc I get so excited to go into markets because I missed out on that for so long. I often run to the store more than once a day just because it makes me so incredibly happy to be inside a grocery store. I can eat in restaurants and I love going out to eat. I love driving. I love an occasional half glass of wine. I have been to a concert, to a baseball game, to social engagements. I went to a conference with 2000 people, calm as a cucumber. I am not ultra sensitive and worrying all the time about my health. I am still having to make an effort to be social because for so long (and then Covid) I got used to hanging solo in r&r mode when my symptoms were going strong, so I feel like I am still working on reestablishing my friendships, but I'm doing my best.

I got my life back. I am living again. Trust me, if I could get here after the dark, long, hard road I was stuck on for so long.... you can too. It is possible. It will happen. A few thoughts from someone who has been at the very lowest point, in and out of the hospital dealing with the messiest, scariest, worst moments: You are healing, even when you don't see it. You will heal. The minuscule milestones matter. Stay kind to yourself. Believe in healing, visualize what you will do when you heal. Love yourself, even when you feel at your lowest. Be patient. Meditate. Enjoy any little joys you can, because they will grow from there. I am so confident in your healing. Just keep the faith and it is never too late for healing... for making up for lost time. Focus on your blessings, get creative. I think this is powerful. Count three blessings each day. Do something kind for yourself each day, especially when you feel bad. Try to not focus on what isn't right but try to put your focus on the good, even if it's a sliver of hope or progress, as it will grow exponentially. The wait is worth it, trust me. The healing is worth the wait!   

Sending love and strength to everyone here. <3 So grateful for this community.

Love,

Faith

This is encouragement for me to know I have to see this through and make it to the other side...thank you for your post

 

 

[[Ke...]]

On 20/09/2023 at 08:13, [[p...] said:

@[Ke...], you are a true example of courage and fortitude. Withdrawal was a very rough and difficult road for you to traverse, you did it though, as you say with baby steps. It’s wonderful how you are out enjoying life, traveling and growing your business.

Thanks for taking time to come back and post this inspiring message. Our members need to hear from those who healed from a challenging withdrawal and recovery! 
 

pianogirl 

You are very welcome thank you for your kind message. Us buddies are so much stronger than we know. I am glad I could share that healing is possible, it just takes some of us longer, but healing can happen even when it feels impossible. <3 

[[Ke...]]

On 19/10/2023 at 14:30, [[e...] said:

This is encouragement for me to know I have to see this through and make it to the other side...thank you for your post

You are very welcome. Sending love, patience, compassion and kindness. You are going to overcome this, you are so strong. <3

[[Ke...]]

On 05/10/2023 at 17:46, [[L...] said:

@[Ke...] Thank you for sharing your success story.  This is very reassuring.  Did you also have physical symptoms? 

You are so welcome! Physical symptoms?  Beyond. I believe I had the worst, most painful, brutal physical symptoms. I don't want to trigger anyone by sharing but my physical symptoms were a living hell. I honestly felt like I wasn't going to survive some of them, they were so bad. My symptoms would change every few weeks and few months, and some years, but they were f-ing brutal. I had a headache with a level 20 out of 10 pain wise for over a year (never stopping, like hard to bare), head squeezing feeling like a tight rubber band, felt like I was being choked for months, severe turbulence feeling like my vision was shaking for 2 years (I was dizzy and nauseous and had to sleep sitting up), head spinning like a record, there was a phase near the end where I would lose my vision and only faintly see like I was seeing through smoke. I felt like I wasn't here, almost like I was a ghost, it was super creepy. Severe panic, with sweating and tremendous shaking, it would come up for a variety of reasons the minute my body felt a sense of hunger, so I had to eat before this hit 6-7 meals a day, severe panic / terror when I was alone, ... I had vampire senses where I could smell things from blocks away, like trees (even with the windows of the car closed), the smell of pine was so strong I'd have to cover my face, I'd walk by someone chewing mint gum and my whole body was so minty I'd get hives, someone 200 ft away would be holding a wine glass and I'd run away and cry and panic.. I had to wear a bandana to cover my nose and mouth in case I smelled something form a distance.  There are just a few, I had hundreds over the years. It was like a nightmare, a horror movie. I'm not exaggerating. All gone now... sometimes I want to write a book or a movie bc it's so surreal, and I wish more people knew about this, but then sometimes I don't want to relive it bc it's so disturbing. But the best part is healing is happening and healing is possible. I now think sometimes the most healing was happening when my symptoms were really bad. Sending love and continued healing and peace this weekend. We are all serious rock stars for toughing this out

. <3 

[[Ke...]]

On 19/10/2023 at 14:30, [[e...] said:

This is encouragement for me to know I have to see this through and make it to the other side...thank you for your post

Hi Eric, you're very welcome. Proud of you for just rolling with this, it will get easier. I promise with all my heart. 

[[Ke...]]

On 12/10/2023 at 11:46, [[J...] said:

@[Ke...] Thank you so much for sharing your amazing journey! It was so uplifting to read! I have panic attacks, too, and have had exposure therapy, biofeedback, meditate, etc., and it really does help, but it is a LOT OF WORK! Good for you!! Baby steps! 

Oh my gosh, it is SO much work! It will all come together and pay off though... looking back, super baby steps, even the tiniest steps will help you make progress. Being kind and loving to yourself is so powerful! Be proud of yourself and remind yourself how amazing you are doing. I sincerely think that helps. I had so many panic attacks, constantly, they will go away and you will be free! Keep up the good work! Don't forget to do little kind things for yourself that make you smile and give you glimmers of joy and feeling good... those little things help and will make the joy you feel grow. I also think humor helped me... like my therapist would tell me to welcome my anxiety and then talk to it like it was a friend "well hello there, fancy having you here..... would you like some tea, maybe stay awhile lol" It sounds ridiculous but it would help me. She would have me ballet dance (which would make me happy) when I had moments of panic and floating feeling, where I was really struggling and having intense fear, and it helped me cope). I started adding quirky and funny little coping responses to my worst symptoms and it kind of took the fear away a bit. Sending love, Jessamy! So proud of you for doing so much great work to keep healing. <3 <3

[[Ke...]]

On 28/09/2023 at 08:28, [[a...] said:

What a beautiful post. I felt somewhat overwhelmed but in a lovely way. Thank you for coming back to tell us all about it. I am naturally creative and it is slowly returning 

You are very welcome. I would encourage you to continue to do little creative things that make you feel inner joy and feel like your creative self... whatever that may be. I am creative too and little things like floral arranging, a small craft, painting, etc. bring me so much joy and are the healthiest best distraction. I am so happy you are feeling your creativity come back. That is such a good sign! It's so weird, when I started feeling better, I was getting little rushes of hobbies and creative inclinations back that I hadn't thought about in years. The brain is so magical and capable of healing and remembering what makes you happy! <3

[[Ke...]]

On 20/09/2023 at 19:38, [[j...] said:

Your check in made me weep... thank you❤️❤️❤️

You are very welcome. Honestly, I was crying tears of joy when I was writing it. <3 <3 <3 Sending love and healing!

[[Ke...]]

On 22/09/2023 at 20:29, [[T...] said:

Wow congratulations that’s amazing to read. You sure have some strength in you!

Thank you, Thorin! I appreciate that and hope you had a good day!

[[me...]]

1 minute ago, [[K...] said:

Thank you, Thorin! I appreciate that and hope you had a good day!

Congratulations keeping the faith you are reborn so happy for you.....❣️🙏

[[Lo...]]

19 minutes ago, [[K...] said:

You are so welcome! Physical symptoms?  Beyond. I believe I had the worst, most painful, brutal physical symptoms. I don't want to trigger anyone by sharing but my physical symptoms were a living hell. I honestly felt like I wasn't going to survive some of them, they were so bad. My symptoms would change every few weeks and few months, and some years, but they were f-ing brutal. I had a headache with a level 20 out of 10 pain wise for over a year (never stopping, like hard to bare), head squeezing feeling like a tight rubber band, felt like I was being choked for months, severe turbulence feeling like my vision was shaking for 2 years (I was dizzy and nauseous and had to sleep sitting up), head spinning like a record, there was a phase near the end where I would lose my vision and only faintly see like I was seeing through smoke. I felt like I wasn't here, almost like I was a ghost, it was super creepy. Severe panic, with sweating and tremendous shaking, it would come up for a variety of reasons the minute my body felt a sense of hunger, so I had to eat before this hit 6-7 meals a day, severe panic / terror when I was alone, ... I had vampire senses where I could smell things from blocks away, like trees (even with the windows of the car closed), the smell of pine was so strong I'd have to cover my face, I'd walk by someone chewing mint gum and my whole body was so minty I'd get hives, someone 200 ft away would be holding a wine glass and I'd run away and cry and panic.. I had to wear a bandana to cover my nose and mouth in case I smelled something form a distance.  There are just a few, I had hundreds over the years. It was like a nightmare, a horror movie. I'm not exaggerating. All gone now... sometimes I want to write a book or a movie bc it's so surreal, and I wish more people knew about this, but then sometimes I don't want to relive it bc it's so disturbing. But the best part is healing is happening and healing is possible. I now think sometimes the most healing was happening when my symptoms were really bad. Sending love and continued healing and peace this weekend. We are all serious rock stars for toughing this out

. <3 

@[Ke...]Wow you really had a brutal time of it - and for so long.  Congratulations on your strength, courage and patience for getting through all of that!  I'm so glad you're now living and loving life to the fullest - so deserving after such a journey.  I am early in my journey here - 12 months out from a CT.  The head/brain symptoms are my worst and non relenting as well as horrid cortisol surges.  It's tough but I'll keep pushing through.  You truly are and inspiration. Thanks again 💗

[[Je...]]

13 hours ago, [[K...] said:

Oh my gosh, it is SO much work! It will all come together and pay off though... looking back, super baby steps, even the tiniest steps will help you make progress. Being kind and loving to yourself is so powerful! Be proud of yourself and remind yourself how amazing you are doing. I sincerely think that helps. I had so many panic attacks, constantly, they will go away and you will be free! Keep up the good work! Don't forget to do little kind things for yourself that make you smile and give you glimmers of joy and feeling good... those little things help and will make the joy you feel grow. I also think humor helped me... like my therapist would tell me to welcome my anxiety and then talk to it like it was a friend "well hello there, fancy having you here..... would you like some tea, maybe stay awhile lol" It sounds ridiculous but it would help me. She would have me ballet dance (which would make me happy) when I had moments of panic and floating feeling, where I was really struggling and having intense fear, and it helped me cope). I started adding quirky and funny little coping responses to my worst symptoms and it kind of took the fear away a bit. Sending love, Jessamy! So proud of you for doing so much great work to keep healing. <3 <3

Oh, I LOVE the idea of talking to my anxiety! I am totally going to do that! Thank you so much!!