Very protracted and just fed up. Looking for encouragement.

[[Ch...]]

I'm 7.5 years off in December and it's just been really rough. I was doing a little better in 2021, but after the booster and home stress (not to mention pandemic stress) I went into a bad wave. I'm still in that wave. I thought maybe things were shifting a tiny bit a couple months ago and then my cat went missing. After years of this, I lost most of my friends, and he is my best friend. There's still a decent chance he'll come back...but some days the negative benzo brain is really dark and scary and negative. Anyway, a couple days ago I found out my Mom has cancer. It's stage one and very treatable and there's a good change everything is going to be fine, but again, benzo brain is a real asshole. Frankly, I'm just not coping real well. Sometimes it feels like nothing really good is ever going to happen for me again. I'm sure part of this is just my healing brain being really unpleasant, but healing for me seems to be reliving every past trauma and feeling terrible about myself. I was a fairly optimistic and confident person before all this and now I'm the opposite and I don't like me very much right now. I wasn't like this before coming off the Clonazepam. I had issues to work through and work to do on myself, sure. Psych meds make it hard to do that. I'm sure part of the point of healing is me learning to love myself and have great boundaries and have the motivation to do all the things...things I was too apathetic to do when I was taking meds. I'm grieving that, too...the loss of my 20s and 30s and now early 40s. I've been incredibly angry and sad and confused...like it's just too much and I can't connect the dots in my brain. And I'm just so tired. 

I try to do the work and be my own friend and try to find the good in things. I try to do what I can at home... projects and things. I still can't drive, and working is out of the question. Sometimes just leaving the house is very difficult.

Anyway, I don't post much. Once you're off for so long, few people are left who understand. When you're this long off you experience certain things that others can't understand. I thought I'd have fewer symptoms by now. I never thought the mental symptoms would get this bad. I could really use some encouragement from someone who can relate in some way. I'm falling apart. Thanks.

[[Ha...]]

So sorry to hear you're still struggling so far out. I'm not as far out (3.5 years). But still not working myself. I can only imagine how disheartened you must feel.

Have you looked into any autoimmune issues that may be holding you back? I only ask because you mentioned the booster. My best friend developed autoimmune issues from it, and it's surprising the similarities in symptoms he has. I've actually developed alopecia areata which is an airport disorder through this ordeal. It could be something worth investigating? I wouldn't just assume it's all Benzo now.

Anyway I hope you get some sort of relief soon 

[[Ch...]]

I have mostly the same symptoms I've always had, just some of them are way worse. Some have improved since the booster, some are especially difficult. I think withdrawal and just life are getting to me after all this time. I've been checked out several times. It's not something else. Some of us just have a lot of issues a long ways out. I know several people who are in long setbacks who don't have other medical issues either. We're just unlucky. And withdrawal takes a toll emotionally after all this time. I don't really have windows. I think people who get them experience withdrawal differently, as well.

Anyway, thanks. I hope you feel better soon, too.

[[Ne...]]

Chigrrl...I'm right there with you.  It's been 8 years for me and I only took 85 pills total from start to taper which were prescribed for sleep.  Fortunately, I found BenzoBuddies.  I realized then it was the meds making me crazy.  I NEVER had any of the symptoms that I endure day to day now.  Such severe mental and physical torture.  I was very happy prior to the meds.  I blame it all on the meds.  I honestly believe this.  I am in my 6th severe setback entering my 7th month of hell.  My previous severe setback lasted 18 months.  In between the two setbacks, I felt like myself for almost 9 months. There is no healing for me at all during my setbacks, absolutely no windows until the very, very last month when I slowly come back to myself.  I really want to say don't be hard on yourself.  You and all of us have been damaged by meds period!!   

[[Ch...]]

Neverme,

Mine were prescribed for sleep, too. I didn't even take them every day until I was tapering off.

I'm sorry you're in a setback, too. I've had three others besides this one. The last setback lasted a few months, but wasn't as severe. The other two were very bad, but hadn't lasted as long as this one, and the last bad setback was in 2018...so this setback came as an unpleasant surprise. They've always been stress-induced. This one may have been more stress than booster...I'll never know. The pandemic didn't do us any favors. For me, this year has been more stressful. So much of the time it feels like one step forward, one step back. I'm trying to work on my mindset, but much of it seems out of my control...like someone else is pulling the strings.

Anyway, thanks for reaching out. It helps to know I'm not alone. I hope you reach your window soon.

[[Ch...]]

Is anyone else still crying all the time? I wake up crying and cry several times throughout the day most days. Sometimes because all the stuff is overwhelming or intrusive thoughts are dragging me down and sometimes for no particular reason...I just feel like crying. I didn't think I'd feel this way this far out.

Today has been tough. My sleep started to tank after my cat took off in June and the cancer stuff this week has me really on edge. I've had dpdr and anhedonia to some degree since 2017 and it's been particularly bad lately. I just feel really weird. And tired.

[[Ho...]]

Hi Chigrrl,

I'm sorry to hear you've had to bear another wave! I sincerely hope you cat finds its way back into your household; clearly it's an important part of your life! I'm glad to hear all the optimism regarding your mom's health. Still, even though you're anticipating victory, it's still a whole lot of stress to deal with on top of what you've been through. Hopefully you'll be able to ride this one to the other side and feel much better soon.

There's a new group for protracted healers that you might want to check out:

You should find some company and encouragement here. I hope you do!

Warmly,

HCHC

[[Ch...]]

Thanks, Hotcoldhotcold. ❤️

[[Na...]]

I was 8 years off in July.

That negative thinking post benzo brain is a real demon.  Mine has slowly gotten better. Much better than where I was some years ago, but still not where I want to be.

But, I still see progress. Just way slower than I would like.

[[Ch...]]

Thanks, Nathan. I'm sorry you've been dealing with that, too. It's so difficult.

Are you still dealing with a lot of symptoms at this point? Do you remember how you were feeling at 7 years off? I think the stress in my life has exacerbated things, but there's nothing I can do about that. I just wish I could handle it better. I used to handle things well. Now everything is a catastrophe...but when big things happen, everything feels impossible.

[[jo...]]

I’m so sorry you’re suffering. It’s been such a long time. I really hope your cat comes back. Mine is my best friend too. I’m sorry you’re dealing with so much stress on top of everything. Sending you love and strength and hoping evidence of healing is right around the corner 🩵

[[jo...]]

Just wanted to say I also don’t seem to  get windows either 

[[Ch...]]

You're very kind. Thank you.

I read one of your other posts... I think most of us long haulers have lost a lot, if not most, of the people we used to call friends and sometimes even family. You aren't alone in that. I know it feels like crap. I'm sorry you're going through all this, too. 

[[Ca...]]

Just read through your post - really hit home. So well illustrated and reading it I feel a sort of vindication for what I've told ppl that have had doubts. Even doubted myself as to what's real about it still being the source of at least part of what is my current mental state of anguish, or ?

I too am so tired . . .

I am so sorry it's been so rough, or if I may say, "soul crushing" - something I first saw coming to BB. Didn't quite know what it meant. Now I do.

Has been 7yrs now, since 30 day rapid-detox, off Clonazepam 6~8mg/day. 

Just trying to avoid stress, hang out with the cat. Was hoping to get to the beach this year. It's a quiet place, usually only few ppl. It's relaxing to flop around in the ocean, then just lie down on the sand, listen to the surf. 

Edited September 13, 2023 by [Ca...]