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Not sure what's going on with my tapering


[da...]

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Hi All

Have been stuck on these awful Diazepam since 2017.

Had to resort to buying them online ... always got the checked with Wedinos. I had a doctors prescription for just 5mgs a day and was at my peak taking 50mgs.

I've been able to just about manage on 20mgs (4x5mgs) I could only buy 10mg pills online, so as they were domed, so hard to cut into quarters, so hence the 5mg doses.

Due to other severe life problems ... I've just seen a physichiatrist via the NHS, who has confirmed I have PTSD, grief reaction (due to both parents dying with dementia whilst in care, plus I'm still living or rather existing in their home)

I also have GAD ... made worse by a sister who us hell bent in cashing in and selking my parents property.

I've not been well enough to have a job for years and have no reliable friends, just a trusted counsellor.

Thankfully the Psychiatrist recognised the fact that I was buying Diazepam online, despite 4 GP's choosing to ignore that fact and has now prescribed 20mgs a day on prescription. That's a mighty relief.

The plan was to await treatment from a psychologist for my PTSD and GAD, before tapering off the Diazepam.

But who knows how long that's going to take ... the NHS mental health service is like a Brickhill and it's so hard to get in touch with anyone.

Long story short ... I decided that now would be a good time to try switching from 4x5mgs to 8x2.5mgs.

It started off OK, but I found it best to stick with 5mgs at night to help me sleep, so I inadvertly ended up dropping to 17.5mgs daily. Not really planned but seemed OK.

I've been doing that for 10 days now, but I'm having problems.

It seems the past couple of days that I actually experience more withdrawal effects within half an hour of taking a 2.5mg dose. It then settles back down after an hour or so, until my next one. ??

Can't figure it out .... it's just adding ro my anxiety and I dread taking my next one, but know I should.

Any ideas out there.

Many Thanks .... peace to you all

Daveyt

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Hello Daveyt Welcome to Benzobuddies

I am so sorry for the loss of your parents, I know how devastating this can be.  I am glad you are being prescribed your meds, It will be safer, than buying online.   You may have reached tolerance level, as many do, I had symptoms before starting and throughout my taper.  With diazepam, they have such a long half life you only really need to dose once a day.    You start your taper whenever you are ready .  You will get lots of support here, some of us have been through it, some are still going through a very similar journey. [i] We suggest reducing no faster than 5-10% every 10-14 days, and some taper even slower than that.[/i]  Having some withdrawal symptoms is normal, the most common symptoms are anxiety and insomnia, but these symptoms are temporary and do go away with some time.

Post questions to Withdrawal recovery, for support with any symptoms you might have.

https://benzobuddies.org/forum/121-withdrawal-recovery-support/

Post here for support with any anxiety issues

https://benzobuddies.org/forum/123-insomnia-depression-anxiety/

When you have a chance, I recommend that you take a look at The Ashton Manual, It provides a great deal of information that can be very reassuring during any stage of this process, including a list of common symptoms in chapter III  with helpful explanations. .

https://benzo.org.uk/manual/bzcha03.htm

The Ashton Manual

http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/   

You will come through this, this journey takes a while but you will eventually recover.

Magrita:hug:

 

 

 

 

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Hi Magrita

Yes, I already have the Ashton Manual.

Sadly, having tapered down to 12.5mgs a few years ago, with the parents issue it just got the better of me and obviously the PTSD and GAD sadly have similar physical side effects, so it's a job to know what's causing what.

I did manage to drop by 2.5mgs each time although it's above the Ashton Manual the lower I get, but it's so hard to cut pills in to smaller pieces.

I think my anxiety is rather out of control right now, due to the family circumstances. The sister, who is married, retired and mortgage free, is obviously looking for her lottery win, when this place gets sold.

Me, with little savings and no income along with living I the South East (very expensive, with limited properties to rent) wouldn't stand a chance at renting. It was hard enough back in 2013, when there were a lot more properties to rent at half the price they are now. Sadly, I had to rent as a nasty divorce cost me what was my home.

I'm also wondering as to whether it's the complete change of brand of Diazepam that's causing the problem, along with maybe an I'll timed drop. ??

The Ashton Manual does seem to point in the direction of less larger dose, than more smaller doses.

How did you do it ... in regard to dose size. ??

Thanks again ... much appreciated

Daveyt 🤗

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3 hours ago, [[d...] said:

Sadly, having tapered down to 12.5mgs a few years ago, with the parents issue it just got the better of me

Hi @[da...]Thats completely understandable and don't beat yourself up, I am sure I would have done the same thing. These awful drugs did a number on us, I very nearly lost my home, my job etc...its devastating what we have to go through, mostly without support, very few people believe how tough this is for us.  I am sorry you lost your home, divorce is never easy.    So sorry you are struggling financially, i hope something turns up for you.   You are in a safe place here and a great place of support, our members are very caring and knowlegeable.

My taper wasn't very acurate, I dosed once a day, I followed Prof Ashton's method, best i could, I slowed it right down from 6 mgs onward,then used a razor blade when I reached the very low doses, I wouldn't advise it!  I was ignorant and did the best I could.    Had I know about titration, I probably would have gone down that route.   I had reached tolerance level, so was very symptomatic a long time before my taper began and I never stabilised, holding longer did nothing for me, it was sheer determination that pushed me through it. 

Do some research on the forum before deciding.  This journey does take a while but its worth it, you will feel so much better I promise you.

Magrita:smitten:

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Bless you Magrita

I'm now thinking after having had such a tough day ... my god, how am I still coping at all.

The combination of Tolerance withdrawal, the similarity in physical side effects of both PTSD and GAD and living I  this hellush place.

I'm crammed into one small room, as I was when I moved in with my Dad in 2019.

Sadly I can't go into the now empty living room and my Dad's bedroom is very uncomfortable, but my belongings in half opened boxes are in there.

My damned sister, has been under total control with the Power of Attourney stuff with both parents, so I've never known what's going on.

My anxiety is really maxed out now, with her and the solicitor in close contact ... it's just a matter of time before Mum's probate is done and then the sister will want her lottery win, with no care as to where I can disappear to. We will be joint owners of this place. She's married, has kids and grandkids. None of which ever visited my parents and is retired and mortgage free.

We were in regular contact up until Mum died suddenly in April. Since then, I've been dropped like a stone. She won't speak to me on the phone and hides behind some pretty unpleasant emails.

I genuinely cared for my parents, whilst she never came close, until they were poorly ... but that was clearly out of duty.

I really don't trust her or the solicitor .... even the Psychiatrist suggested seeing my own solicitor. !!

And I'm trying to taper whilst feeling under such enormous threat. Crazy making stuff ... no wonder I'm struggling.

Still, I ain't finished yet ... just need to find someway to get the hell out of this place ... although the thought of living in my car is not pleasant.

If I could get out here and out of the fire, I know I can get off of the damned Diazepam.

A prescription that was just put on repeat when I changed surgeries back in 2013. Didn't need them on repeat back then, so stock piled them. Big mistake, as I really hit them hard when my Dear Mum was put into care back in 2018, against my wishes. Visiting her destroyed me.

I'll just take some time now to reflect and find a way forward.

Thank you so much for being so kind ... I'm a nice person and always treat people the way that I would like to be treated.

My warm wishes go to you

Davey 🤗

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44 minutes ago, [[d...] said:

Sadly I can't go into the now empty living room and my Dad's bedroom is very uncomfortable, but my belongings in half opened boxes are in there.

My heart goes out to you @[da...], it must be awfully sad for you.   You are going to have to get your belongings some time, take a deep breath. I'm sure your dad wouldn't want you to be struggling with financial problems.   I really hope you find somwhere to live, I hope your sister has a change of heart and helps, surely she wouldn't want you living in the car !!   Wait until you get yourself sorted, before starting your taper.  Your head must be all over the place right now, this process is hard enough without dealing with all of this.

 

45 minutes ago, [[d...] said:

My damned sister, has been under total control with the Power of Attourney stuff with both parents, so I've never known what's going on.

It might be time for you to find out whats going on!!

Magrita:hug:

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Hi again

Sorry to be a pain.

It's 3am or so and I'm having some hot milk.

I've just had and am trying to come down from a monster panic attack. Sadly, this often brings on some really intensive suicidal thoughts. (I've had a plan in place since 2018, so it's all set in place.

I really don't want to do this to my counsellor, that's all that stops me.

This panic attack was and is a biggie.

Stomach churning, with lots of wind. My gentleman's area is stinging like hell and I just keep weeing. I guess the body's way of responding to everything. My chest is stinging and I'm short of breath, but still insist on smoking some roll ups. My nose is also blocked, quite badly and is runny. Phew, it's pretty intense stuff, with PTSD memories of my parents hitting me hard as well as I sit in their kitchen.

The sister, well she's history. I've tried so hard to get along with her and get nothing back. Both of my parents would have been very upset when they were well, as to how I am and how I'm being treated.

But they are sadly not around to support me in my hour of need and neither are laid to rest due to complications with the family plot in the graveyard, where their ashes are to be interred.The graveyard has 5 generations of my forefathers there. I will be the 6th and last one.

I often used to visit my beloved grandad, but haven't been up there for a year or so after my Dad whilst succumbing to Dementia (I didn't know at the time) really turned on me, telling me I wasn't part if the family.

He's forgiven for that, but my it sticks.

So, I have nowhere to visit them. That would help to bring closure.

Other than email, I can't contact her, as she has clearly blocked me on her phone.

I'm just full of " I've gotta get out of here".

I've just whacked down a 10mg dose of Diazepam ... something I've never done before, but I'm in survival mode. I'm seeing my counsellor in the morning, so maybe we can come up with a plan between us, if I own up to what's happened.

I won't go near the NHS as they are a huge part of my PTSD.

Yes, tapering right now is foolhardy. It will end badly.

Hopefully, I'll settle enough to go back to bed ... I'm exhausted.

My warm wishes to you

Davey 🤗

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