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I don't want to do this anymore...


[ch...]

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Whatever force that lies above, please take me. The benzo withdrawal is obviously a huge struggle right now but there is so much more and I don't see a light. I don't feel any hope. I look at myself with disgust. I know I'm a burden to my family, I can't feel any ambition or interest in life. Here is what I keep hearing in my head repeatedly. "We live in this biological sphere where anything can happen. 1988, a baby is born but somethings not quite right. He doesn't fit the mold to live in this world. He doesn't deserve existence."

 

Maybe my psychiatrist was actually giving me sound advice when he told me to see an ECT specialist. I'm already dead. So why can't I die?

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Don't let this drug beat you down, you're stronger than it is. I hope you know that these dark scary times are the drug and not you right? Your family cares, you're not a failure, you can get through this moment and let it pass...

 

If you are in complete despair please seek immediate help. There is a policy here regarding suicide and self harm, please read the info at this link;

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=9681.0#post_suicide-self-harm

 

You can get through this.

 

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Whatever force that lies above, please take me. The benzo withdrawal is obviously a huge struggle right now but there is so much more and I don't see a light. I don't feel any hope. I look at myself with disgust. I know I'm a burden to my family, I can't feel any ambition or interest in life. Here is what I keep hearing in my head repeatedly. "We live in this biological sphere where anything can happen. 1988, a baby is born but somethings not quite right. He doesn't fit the mold to live in this world. He doesn't deserve existence."Maybe my psychiatrist was actually giving me sound advice when he told me to see an ECT specialist. I'm already dead. So why can't I die?

 

I want you to know that, that is a big fat lie your mind is telling you which is based on false perceptions.  You are here for a reason, you are valueable, you are needed ... try believing that instead.  :)

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Hi Charlieday,

 

I have not been able to go to sleep, and came down to the computer and saw your post.

 

Actually, I have just read all of your posts and I find that what you have been able to do (taper down so much on klonopin) an amazing accomplishment.  We have some of the same drugs in our backgrounds (opiates, cymbalta, klonopin) and so I feel a bit of kinship with you.  You are the age of my youngest son and so of course, my heart goes out to you.  I have been trying to think of what it would be like for me if my son were going through what you are and I know that I would want to help him in any way I could (especially knowing firsthand what it is like to withdraw from a multitude of drugs).

 

Please listen to what Whoopsie and Star have said, Charlie. 

 

You need to see that you DO have a place in this world...and that you are very valuable, as Whoopsie said.  You have a part to play here that no one else can play...I very firmly believe that.  I know it is hard to see or feel right now, so you need to listen to the voices around you who are speaking truth into your life.  I already find you inspiring, just for what you have been able to accomplish...as well as for the honesty with which you have told us your story.

 

I am now 19 months free from klonopin, as well as from opiates, muscle relaxers, neurontin, cymbalta....I was never on the amount of K or opiates that you were, so I know that has been an extra challenge.  But I was on klonopin for 17 years...and the other drugs for almost as long.  You are doing a good and brave thing...and you are in the right place, here on the benzobuddies forum.  I will try to follow your story and help in any way I can, Charlie.

 

~Leena :smitten:

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Hey man,

The age you are at this is a massive hurdle to get over and when you do nothing willever get in your way, as the pain you are going through and the feeling you are having are being felt by many people on here..

 

Do what ever it takes but remember your mind is at the moment your boss, not your servant and you are going through mental and physical pain...If you wan this to work, change all aspects of life if you already haven't that will help with with drawl, no caffeine or i hate to say it alcohol. and protein diet is good , not fatty stuff as it causes more towards stomach upsets and at night am zing relaxation music... even on ytube you can down load free hypnosis relaxation videos that are specially designed to relax you and make you feel a little more com forable.... Man we are all feeling your pain and i am so sorry you are on this terrible poison, but do what  ever it takes and put you as number 1... At this moment in your life nothing should get in the way of your recovery

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Pls hang in there ! I understand how hard this is and it steals our lives and Joy and relationships! But thats just for now not Forever !You are so worthy of Life and Happyness with No pain and Love all around you!

 

Your so young and have so much Blessing comeing your way You just need to hang in there OK?

This Test is most extreme but trust me when I say you wouldnt be going thru it if you werent strong enough!!!

 

Your so loved by your family and friends trust me you are your most important!Remember this w/d is a Lier and will give you thoughts that are noway yours! Just stand so strong and tall do not listen to them !

This ends I promise that and you will be standing ontop of this world !Bless you D...

 

Your friend ~Jenny

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  • 2 weeks later...

Charlile ~ I just want you to know how much your helped me this morn.  i am feeling really terrible again.  i am only about a month in.  i really understand how you feel.  maybe just try keeping your mind on one thought like the word hope.  i say our fathers's over and over.  my head is totally not a safe place for me.  someone on here said distraction is the key;  true for me.  let me see if i can check my word doc where i keep notes of stuff that has helped me.

 

5. When people are in recovery, they have a lot of fears. One is that they will never get better. Another is that their symptoms are really what they are like - perhaps what they have always been like. Both of these fears are stimulated by benzo withdrawal. In other words they are the thought components of benzo withdrawal, just as insomnia is a physical component.  here it is; 

 

not sure where i found it .  we have each other too.  you have an entire lifetime ahead of you;  you just don't see that now but we do.  we can do this.  i have lost many people to suicide and it's not a good idea.  we can do this.  we are doing it.  thank you so much for your humility honesty and courage.  i feel not alone.

 

6. There is no way around benzo withdrawal and recovery - you have to go through it. People try all sorts of measures to try to make the pain stop, but nothing can shortcut the process. Our body and brain have their own agenda for healing, and it will take place if you simply accept it.

 

7. When you are having a bad spell, healing is still going on. People typically find that after a bad spell, symptoms improve and often go away forever. Try to remember this when times are hard.

 

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Hi Charlie, can you give us an udpate...we care about your progress and want to give you a great big hug

 

 

(((((Charlie)))))

 

 

:thumbsup:

 

Type to you soon,

 

Lida

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jaso19 is right.  The benzos control your thoughts without you even realizing it and tell you lies.  I was where you are and am now past it.  You CAN get past it if you keep moving forward.  It is so scary while you are in it, you literally feel like you are losing your mind and don't want to do it anymore.  This is a normal human reaction, but the human spirit is stronger.

 

Last year I said the same things...I was a burden...nothing gives me pleasure anymore...etc...

 

But what a turn around now.  I think the exact opposite of everything I was thinking then.  I thank God I did not give up and kept pushing through.  Things WILL turn around, promise. 

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[bd...]
Maybe my psychiatrist was actually giving me sound advice when he told me to see an ECT specialist.

 

ECT on top of withdrawal would surely knock me over the cliff.

 

 

I have had ECT, and anyone who has will tell you it's not the best thing to do in withdrawal.

 

It did not do anything for me.

 

 

 

 

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