Helping or Harming?

[[Mb...]]

I am around the corner from 30 days off. It's been hell and slightly less hell. Still at home and barely doing anything, shower and eating are my must do for the day, I watch show after show in between my daily tasks and I will get out for short unfrequent walks or bike rides once or twice a week for 15-30 minutes. But I must say it takes every ounce of determination to do those extra activities and I tend to "pay" for them later.

 

On the very point is why I'm here asking a question. I find the days where I'm not curled up on the couch mindlessly playing one video after another trying to pass time, I find myself wanting to just simply fight my symptoms an not listen to taking it easy. I was always a very strong will human before this, and I see parts of me wanting to punch back so hard to all of this. There is a high stress video game I play with my brother that I "distract" myself with. About 2 months ago I could only play for 20 minutes a day, now I've pushed myself to play for hours at a time. I don't always relate this to getting better, but maybe more to my F it attitude to sitting around suffering all day. I am just so board of everything else, just sitting here watching people live life outside my window.

 

There have been games where I was put in a very stressful situation, I found instantly my hands start shaking to the point I could almost not hold the controller, then it seems as if my skin turns a different color like so flush it looks off, I can watch my heart beat through every part of my body and most visible in my stomach. Every side effect ramped to the moon. The severe panic tends to settle down once I'm out out of the "situation" but I find myself feeling absolutely wrecked after. I've read many times about stress bringing waves, but I'm stubborn and I'd rather go through that then just always be alone watching tv. It makes me feel like I'm showing my brother he hasn't lost me yet, and I enjoy it. Can I not enjoy anything anymore. Does it all have to be about recovery 24/7.

 

I'm clearly putting a lot on my CNS or whatever hell that has happened to me, I always thought I'm just doing a form of exposure therapy, forcing myself to be put in difficult situations and have my body and mind find its way back out. However it hit me today am I hurting myself or is it good to push back on our symptoms. Am I forcing my body to regulate or causing harm to my fragile system. Am I prolonging healing by wilfully putting myself into a panic attack (if that's what's happening) and shaking myself up time and time again.

 

Sitting here asking myself how can this be real, although I know it is very very real. Why me, why any of you. When will the miracle happen, and yes how bad I feel it will be nothing less then a miracle.

[[Ho...]]

Hi there,

I'm about eight months out and think I'm a lot like you. I've always been tough and had no problems taking it on the chin and getting right back up. I asked my mother once why she was so much easier on my brothers and sisters; so much gentler. She said it was because I was a bouncer-backer. Crazy term for someone who demanded proper English, but that was me. Didn't get babied, just got on with things.

 

This has brought me to my knees. I can't beat it, I can't change it, I can't figure it out, all I can do is wait it out. For me there came a point when all I really wanted was to feel as decent as I could as often as I could. Couch potato, here I come! If only I could sit!  I had to pace on the treadmill. Couldn't ride a bike for a long, long time. Lost 40 lbs, my small business and my joy in life. The suffering was constant; you know what I mean.

 

Anyway. What tends to happen is you figure out what's worth suffering for and what's not. And as the weeks pass into months, you will suffer less. But you will still suffer. It wears at you but in the end, this is clarifying. You determine what are your must-haves and what you don't really need in the end. The clarifying process can be terrifying some days, but from the sound of you, I'd say you're going to do beautifully in the end.

 

In the meantime, just keep making like as tolerable as you can. You decide if the blowback from games is worth it. It may well be. I have to keep my head in the game and have done a ton of things I gritted my teeth and got through, because when I feel good again, I want a semblance of life waiting for me.