Breakup with a narcissist in protracted withdrawal

[[jo...]]

3 years ago I took an antibiotic and life as I knew it imploded virtually overnight.

 

You know how the story goes: a million symptoms, unable to leave the house much, had to leave my career, many friends and family walked away, gaslighted by doctors, isolated, scared, hopeless.

 

I was put on more meds which only served to make me sicker. I took the last benzodiazepine 2 years ago, and have been in horrible PAWS ever since, as well as a setback over a year ago from another antibiotic.

 

A year ago I met someone online who I felt really understood me, loved me, cared for and supported me. He became everything I wanted and needed. Reading all about my conditions, listening to me cry, sending me flowers, talking about our future, and all the other pieces of intimacy and understanding so many of us crave. 

 

A week ago my world came crashing down when I realised I have been in a relationship with an emotionally abusive covert narcissist. My intuition and body had been screaming at me for a year, but I constantly blamed myself and my illness. My hair fell out, I was always depressed, panic attacks had returned and I was exhausted. I blamed it all on my illness, every single time.

 

I ended things and went no contact a week ago, but have realistically been discarded like a piece of trash. I poured everything into this relationship; time, money, love, energy, compassion, and hope. I probably put it before my own health for large periods of time.

 

Of course, I will learn from this. I will listen to my intuition next time. I will learn the signs.

 

The hardest part of it all is experiencing so much disharmony in an already horrendously dark time. Having my world turned upside down when I was already spinning. Knowing someone targeted me because I was isolated and vulnerable. Having to accept something as a lie when everything already has a dark, twisted and scary tinge to it as it is.

 

Having to deal with this when I can’t do any of my usual “go-to” things to move past it and heal. I can’t go to gym, I can’t go to work, I can’t get dolled up and go out with friends. I am clawing my way out of this darkness  desperately, struggling to grab onto anything that resembles light. 

[[Br...]]

I am so sorry you're coping with a painful breakup in the middle of withdrawal.  That's a lot to deal with and my heart goes out to you.  It's especially challenging as you point out, that you can't relay on your usual coping techniques.  One of the biggest and most important tasks of withdrawal is developing a brand new toolbox of techniques to cope with our symptoms and stressors of all kinds. Often it can be a matter of modifying things that have worked for you in the past.  For instance, you may not be able to handle a hard workout at your gym but can you go for a walk in nature?  Some gentle yoga? 

It will take time but you will get through this dark time, hour by hour, step by step, day by day. You will find many of us here who are struggling through the darkness or who have come through the darkness into the light having never believed it was possible.  But healing is real and you will heal from these wounds.  Please keep reaching out for support.  We can help you develop your toolbox of coping techniques. Don't forget to read Success Stories when you need encouragement.