I am Grateful

[[Bo...]]

Hello. I am so grateful that I stumbled upon this BB Community. I am joining this community to help answer questions and also ask questions to help others heal and along with healing myself. I've been diagnosed with GAD (General Anxiety Disorder). As I child, I was always excited and pretty happy but as I got into my teens and 20's... I would just feel so uneasy constantly. I am, as of today, 45 years old and have taken Diazapam since I was 29 years old. It started with "for flights only" as I love to travel but hate flying. The prescription provided had unlimited refills. So I started to take it when life felt turbulent. And from there it snowballed to daily abuse. I got to the point where I was at 40mg of Diazapam a day. I finally decided in 2010 to seek professional help. My psychiatrist worked with me and tapered me down to 0mg by December 2011. Then, in 2012, my husband and I adopted a six week old baby boy. After that, my employer let everyone at our office go as the corporation decided to close our location. Around June of 2012, I was tailspinning mentally. I was so worried about raising this baby and we also have (at the time) a four year old that we adopted as well. My spouse's work wasn't making much money and we had a mortgage. I felt so tongue tied and out of it. I gained a bunch of weight from eating fast food. I got a job as a personal banker at a bank but literally wanted to hide in the back room as much as possible. I felt no joy. Finally, my spouse told me to reach back to my psychiatrist. She put me back on 5mg of Diazapam. It literally helped re-balance me. I was able to think clear and was able to land a great job. I then started doing yoga and went on a plant based diet. Money was good and life was really good. I started the taper again and got down to 2mg of Diazapam as needed. I would take it maybe once a day or every other day. At this point, I think it was more of a placebo effect and just knowing it was there was comforting. I want to say I was hovering around this low dosage from around 2014 until 2019 when my youngest brother at age 36 developed Schizoaffective disorder and tried to kill our mom. It was too much for me. I jumped back up on my dose to around 10mg of diazepam in 2019 as my brother would take his medicine off and on... He was going in and out of mental health wards. Finally, he came to terms with his situation and consistently takes his meds and stablized. Then, COVID hit in 2020. I was a ball of nerves as I have two elderly parents that we live with that were high risk. I basically forced my psychiatrist to increase my dose to 20mg of Diazapam a day. She begrudgingly did. In December 2021, I decided to try to taper off this dose again but with a wellness doctor. This wellness doctor felt I could decrease the dose at a much faster pace. From December 2021 until April 2022, I dropped from 20mg to 2mg of Diazapam. In May 2022, I lost it. I was at my son's graduation from Middle School and I felt like I didn't want to live life. I felt dead inside. A total disconnection to the world. It felt like my brain went offline. I thought it was because I caught COVID in April but I look back now and realize that this rapid reduction caused my GABA receptors to "shut down shop". I tried everything I could holistically for 8 weeks but I would only get little tiny windows of joy for a few hours and then the rest was a living Hell. Finally, after trying everything I could to not get on the drugs, I went back to my psychiatrist. I was put on basically 15mg of Diazapam along with prozac to help the depression. It stabilized me and I was put on a 12-month stress leave. So, I'm off the Prozac as of about 3 months ago. I am doing a very slow taper of 1.25mg every 30 days. I went from 15mg to 7.5mg of Diazapam as of 6 days ago. I have learned more about mindfulness and meditation. I go for nature hikes and still do yoga. I went from plant based diet to pescatarian to get the omega 3 increased as my body was low. I take magnesium and valerian root (at night to help with sleep) along with prescribed buspirone (45mg = 3 x 15mg daily) and 400mg of Gabapentin at night (to help with sleep). My goal is to go to zero again with the Diazapam... with the support of this community. Thank you so kindly for your time. Writing this has been very healing as well as I haven't put this journey into words like this.

[[Br...]]

Hello Boyracerx - welcome to BenzoBuddies!!

 

I'm sorry you've been through such a difficult time.  Many of us have reached out for benzos to help us get through hard times only to find benzos dug us into a deeper hole when it came time to get off them.  We typically suggest tapering slowly and very gradually - with cuts of no more than 5-10% every 10 days or so but it's best to let your taper be guided by symptoms.  This means remaining flexible and slowing down if needed.  This is the best way we know of to keep withdrawal symptoms to a minimum.  We can help you plan a sensible taper off Valium.  You will find plenty of good information and support here that will help you get through this process.

 

Please be sure to ask lots of questions on the forum about your situation and reach out for support.

 

Below are a few links to start with.

 

We're glad you're here!

Brighterday

 

Planning Your Withdrawal (Taper Plans)

 

Withdrawal Support (during your taper)

 

Success Stories

 

Colorado Consortium Benzodiazepine Deprescribing Guidance

 

Chapter 3 Ashton manual, list of symptoms

 

Add your history/signature

 

[[Bo...]]

Thank you kindly! I’m so happy this forum is here to help!!