39 months - What will happen to me ?

[[Ex...]]

Hi guys.

 

Check out my 36 months post for more background information - http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=274531.msg3430755#msg3430755

I really don't know how long my past will haunt me. I am really tired of it. I finally want to close this chapter for good. My addiction was beaten a long time ago. But I still have the negative consequences (PAWS) from my addiction. PAWS = Post acute withdrawal symptoms.

 

I don't work and I didn't work most of the time during PAWS. I am still not part of this society, unfortunately. I am still excluded from society. I live on my savings. Years have passed and I am still a prisoner. It's like all the other people live in their world and I live in my world. As if I am in a parallel world.

 

I get up in the morning and I don't feel any emotions. I don't feel happy and I don't feel sad. I feel no motivation, no drive and no energy to do anything productive. I don't feel any positive feelings or so-called vibrations in my body and in my brain. I get up and that's it. I am like a robot. I don't feel human. My facial expression is exactly the same most of the time. I look jaded, numb and bored. My brain is still numb. My senses are numb. My brain feels no stimuli. Everything feels exactly the same. I spend most of my time outside in the city. I watch people walking, eating, talking, laughing. I walk 1 hour per day. That's it.

 

Only people who have been through this themselves can understand. Otherwise, no one really understands you. It's unnatural and a real suffering.

 

Personally, I think my experience with PAWS so far is worse than the following:

 

- Death of a loved one or death in the family or when all your relatives die at once.

 

- Let's say you are rich and you have 100 million in your bank account. You lose all your money.

 

- Being completely paralysed for 4 years and being in a wheelchair.

 

- To have a severe fever for 4 years.

 

- To be blind for 4 years

 

- To be deaf for 4 years.

 

- To be mute for 4 years.

 

- To be homeless for 4 years.

 

- To work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no days off, for 4 years.

 

I can only imagine that a very bad disease like MS or cancer or a severe chronic pain could be worse than my previous experience with PAWS.

 

These success stories keep me alive. They write:

 

42 months PAWS 1 - http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=46439.msg629772#msg629772

 

42 months PAWS 2 -  http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=90955.msg1168117#msg1168117

 

43 months PAWS 3- http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=261522.msg3302665#msg3302665

 

I will publish another post when I have 42 months behind me.

 

Greetings

[[Co...]]

I am still tapering after 12 days of use due to medical mismanagement. I understand your pain. Tbh I would have rather had a natural severe disease than this hell. Have you tried any experimental therapies to help you or not?

[[ne...]]

Thinking of you and believe you will see better days. Is the stress of all this flaring your symptoms? I know that happens with me.

[[Ex...]]

Thinking of you and believe you will see better days. Is the stress of all this flaring your symptoms? I know that happens with me.

 

Thank you.

 

Stress, little or bad sleep, too much sugar, some social situations, nocturnal emissions, worsen my symptoms. So I avoid them as good as I can.

[[Du...]]

wat are the improvements in your symptoms?

[[or...]]

I can't begin to realize what you are going through as I have little experience, so far, in withdrawal symptoms, nothing compared to yours.  I do have my plan ready to taper smaller amounts as I did taper down but when I got to BB, about 2 weeks ago, I realized I went too fast so I've had some of the effects you have.  Would it be ok to ask what your withdrawal plan was?  I looked in your first link but would really like to know as I don't start my new "drop" until the 25th of this month. 

 

I do have a whole lot of brain-fog so I miss a lot when I read, or listen to a video. I'll be hoping and praying for your symptoms to lift soon, and omg, how wonderful you are walking!  It's so therapeutic for me and I had started doing that years ago thank goodness.

[[Le...]]

You are a strong human being, I believe after some month you will be completely healed. You're at the end of your suffering, insha'Allah you will be ok.