long term physiologic and biochemical damage CT vs taper

[[Sk...]]

I constantly have music playing in my head, and it’s driving me crazy. Can just be the theme song of a commercial, or a regular song played over the radio, even classical. Also, I have the most bizarre thoughts. I think about things I haven’t thought of in my past for decades. It drives me crazy. Also, strange horrific problems that might have occurred but didn’t. For example, in the movie “The Shawshank Redemption”, the lead character crawls through a 500 yard waste disposal pipe and escapes from the prison. I watched it again for probably the tenth time, but this time my crazy mind tells me, “what if there was a grill on the end of that pipe?”. The answer, of course, is that he would have been screwed. He wouldn’t be able to turn around to perhaps kick it out, or even crawls back for that matter. He would have to crawls backwards and try to get out. But what if he couldn’t? What a way to go. My mind constantly presents such nightmare scenarios for me to worry about. I can’t stand it much longer. It is crazy shit. Also, most of my dreams are nightmares now. My life is a horror show, day and night.

[[Ha...]]

Yeah, the music drives me insane too. Can just be a chorus, over and over again 24/7, it was "nelly the elephant" one day!! Thought I'd completely lost my mind!! But it has got quieter.

 

I've had mainly mental symptoms, so I know exactly where you are coming from. Nobody should have to experience this, it does get better but just takes so long. Once you jump, you will start to heal properly. I know you are healing as you go, but I'm sure once the poison is out of your system completely true healing will start happening

[[Sk...]]

If I jump from my current dose of 0.018 mg/day of Clonazepam, it would be like jumping from 0.36 mg of Valium. You jumped from 10 mg, correct? That must have been horrible. What did you experience between April and June when you tried to reinstate?

[[Ha...]]

---

If I jump from my current dose of 0.018 mg/day of Clonazepam, it would be like jumping from 0.36 mg of Valium. You jumped from 10 mg, correct? That must have been horrible. What did you experience between April and June when you tried to reinstate?

 

My last dose was actually 30mg because I just couldn't find a dose that would help. I now know it was because I'd been on and off CT 4  times in 2 years. They were just making me ill, 5mg I'd be wired and not sleep. I didn't realize what was happening, so just kept trying different doses and my doctor kept giving me different AD's because the valium was making me depressed. Anyway after taking 30mg I was in a bad way for a week, and thought I had to stop. A few weeks later WD kicked in and I tried to increase my AD, things just went from bad to worse. It was during the 1st Covid outbreak, so I didn't want to go to the ER and thought it would pass. Spent 8 weeks walking the streets trying to "clear my head" and not kill myself. Then I couldn't take anymore and went to the ER. They couldn't help me by that point...

 

We live and learn, but what gets me is my original doctor still doesn't understand that throwing all these drugs at me completely ruined me. So if she doesn't know these things, how was I supposed to? You just trust them. I won't be trusting them again that's for sure

[[Sk...]]

That sucks. As for me, I am really hurting right now, and very worried that will happen to me. I am very dizzy, highly anxious, and my skin burns as I type this. How will I be able to jump or continue the taper if I am having a very hard time tolerating these symptoms? This is truly frightening. All the while, I still have to go to work. Now, brushing my teeth is a hard chore for me to accomplish. I don’t know how much longer I will be able to work. If I lose my job, I will be in serious trouble.

[[Ha...]]

Yeah I lost my job through this

[[al...]]

That sucks. As for me, I am really hurting right now, and very worried that will happen to me. I am very dizzy, highly anxious, and my skin burns as I type this. How will I be able to jump or continue the taper if I am having a very hard time tolerating these symptoms? This is truly frightening. All the while, I still have to go to work. Now, brushing my teeth is a hard chore for me to accomplish. I don’t know how much longer I will be able to work. If I lose my job, I will be in serious trouble.

 

I was afraid early on about you, as your story is long but a good example how obsessing over benzos in general can turn into even worse taper.

 

Now you do need to realize dosage u take of 0.018mg is like taking a sip of beer and saying it has effect on you, now i know mentally your stuck and obsess worry and think benzos still rule you, yet prob they dont have any real effect on you since you dripped below 0.3mg.

 

Thus you can keep making mole mountain out of nothing but whatever 0.0xxmg ur on its all in your head. and early on i asked same question how do people get away from benzos and found once you push day aside where you dont take any and do it next day eventually it turns into months and few weeks later you dont even have that thought about needing a pill, as shortly after you realize whatever crap anxiety or feelings run you over that benzo simply wont fix it. but with that said its propably more of a way where each person has to find way to put benzos aside that works for them, since way your tapering from get go set off a chain  where you now delay the ever lasting  when you should be done with them.

 

and you did even mention from get go that your working, now id say good majority of people in ct or WD arent able to function at all, and while i imagine its a real pain to function, but the fact that you work and do other usual stuff says you managed this quite well.

 

so tl/dr

 

your in recovery now that tiny dosage you obsess daily makes no difference for you and prob didnt for long time

the symptoms and waves you get hit with yes that feels real and seems by most stories takes quite a long time to get back to some normality, i know im fully off 3mo now and yet some days i look at your issues symptoms u have and sure enough im very similar asking same question why the hell 3months off and yet feel like ive been over by a truck with anxiety, and miscellaneous issues.

and you being able to work through WDs shows your stronger then it and many of us.

 

[[Sk...]]

I work, but it is getting very difficult and I don’t know how much longer I will be able to work. Regarding my dose of 0.018 mg of Clonazepam, that is same as 0.36 mg of Valium. It is not the calming effect of the drug at this point. I agree with that. However, reducing the dose unmasks more and more damage taking the drug did to me. My skin is getting more numb as I cut. I am much more dizzy. Now my skin burns badly, even during the day, but especially at night. My resting heart rate has increased a lot, and there are a ton of other symptoms that have gotten much worse as I cut, especially my insomnia. It is not in my head. I didn’t expect tapering to be this hard. I don’t know what would happen if I jump here, but I think I would either end in a psych ward, or a hospital. I hate what this drug has done to me. I hate it. I have no life and am losing control over my body and mind. There are plenty of others in the same dire straights as me tapering at a low dose who jumped and went through hell afterwards, even when they were fairly symptom free at low dose. I really fear for my life at this point, and it is not in my head, as you say. Tell that to others who find themselves in the same boat and see what they say.

[[Pa...]]

Skyglider, I'm so sorry for your pain and I'm also sorry another member has made you feel as if you need to explain yourself.

 

That sucks. As for me, I am really hurting right now, and very worried that will happen to me. I am very dizzy, highly anxious, and my skin burns as I type this. How will I be able to jump or continue the taper if I am having a very hard time tolerating these symptoms? This is truly frightening. All the while, I still have to go to work. Now, brushing my teeth is a hard chore for me to accomplish. I don’t know how much longer I will be able to work. If I lose my job, I will be in serious trouble.

 

I was afraid early on about you, as your story is long but a good example how obsessing over benzos in general can turn into even worse taper.

 

Now you do need to realize dosage u take of 0.018mg is like taking a sip of beer and saying it has effect on you, now i know mentally your stuck and obsess worry and think benzos still rule you, yet prob they dont have any real effect on you since you dripped below 0.3mg.

 

Thus you can keep making mole mountain out of nothing but whatever 0.0xxmg ur on its all in your head. and early on i asked same question how do people get away from benzos and found once you push day aside where you dont take any and do it next day eventually it turns into months and few weeks later you dont even have that thought about needing a pill, as shortly after you realize whatever crap anxiety or feelings run you over that benzo simply wont fix it. but with that said its propably more of a way where each person has to find way to put benzos aside that works for them, since way your tapering from get go set off a chain  where you now delay the ever lasting  when you should be done with them.

 

and you did even mention from get go that your working, now id say good majority of people in ct or WD arent able to function at all, and while i imagine its a real pain to function, but the fact that you work and do other usual stuff says you managed this quite well.

 

so tl/dr

 

your in recovery now that tiny dosage you obsess daily makes no difference for you and prob didnt for long time

the symptoms and waves you get hit with yes that feels real and seems by most stories takes quite a long time to get back to some normality, i know im fully off 3mo now and yet some days i look at your issues symptoms u have and sure enough im very similar asking same question why the hell 3months off and yet feel like ive been over by a truck with anxiety, and miscellaneous issues.

and you being able to work through WDs shows your stronger then it and many of us.

 

 

alwaysstuck,

 

In the future it would be better if you spoke to another member with compassion rather than judgement, your post came across to me at least and apparently to Skyglider as critical.  The last thing we need while going through this is to treated this way by a fellow sufferer, we get enough of that from those in our real world. 

[[Jo...]]

I C/T xanax without knowing about it after several months of consistent use and it destroyed me doing major neurological damage that is most likely irreversible.  It destroyed my vision and optic nerve,  now I have contrast issues and light sensitivity,  palinopsia, poor night vision, visual snow, starbursts or halos around lights.  It hit almost literally overnight after a brain zapp and just kept getting worse from there, accompanied with memory impairment and brain fog. The light sensitivity decreased but so did my quality if vision and then it all just stabilized at a poor quality compared to before.  This also goes for my headaches, ability to focus,  concentrate, speak and flat out think.  I used to operate at a pretty high level before taking this poison strictly for sleep which destroyed my life.  Unfortunately I previously learned enough in biology to know that cells in the cns that undergo apoptosis don't regenerate like a skin cell or other non neuron in the body,  which sucks.  But,  I was stupid enough to ingest this crap and the Dr. Had no clue as usual I suppose.  But,  yes,  through neuroplasticity there can be healing.  In my opinion,  yes,  the medicine destroys the nervous system when C/T, I'll be plagued by wondering on a daily basis would I have been better off if the dr had tapered me rather than give me a blood pressure medicine when I told her I quit taking it and was losing my mind but was too out of touch with reality to further research what was happening to me.

[[Sk...]]

Hi Jonna,

 

I am very sorry to hear you are suffering with damage from your Xanax cold turkey. It is shocking that these drugs are still prescribed for sleep, and that doctors are so ignorant about them. That is what got me into the mess I am in now. I was only taking Clonazepam for sleep at night, and only took it for three months before deciding to quit just like you. What was your dose of Xanax, and how long after your ct did you notice problems with your vision? I noticed my vision was having problems while I was taking the benzo, but now that I am tapering off my vision is not as blurry as before. These drugs need to be banned.

[[Jo...]]

I agree,  they should be banned,  they are a crime.  I took .5 mg at night in the beginning then started taking the whole 1mg as I couldn't sleep and was becoming paranoid but didn't make the connection because I was so paranoid and messed up.  My vision problems hit a 5 months off after ct.

[[Aj...]]

I think there's 1 member here that's 19 years off. Now that scares the £#@+ out of me

 

So are they still ‘in withdrawal’ or did withdrawal cause something else?

[[al...]]

Sorry glider if came across rude, no judgement at all as said read ur story and feel ur pain, as cted myself and barely better as symptoms haunt me as well, in my case it's anxiety symptoms that drive me into panic, lighteated, tired, stiff muscles and so on that persist. As what I've meant few months back on here I've asked another member how did they manage to cope getting entirely rid of benzos from their possession and start living, as I've spent ten years and almost no single day without pills beside me, so this concept of having none around has been constant fear and never almost imagined I'd reach such point, until I did..

 

As said what my attention was caught that u were relatively short on them, until not, no judgement as it's coming from me who choose to take em for ten years, now my point was to help in saying u have been in recovery for months most likely as that tiny sub mg hasn't prob done anything for long time for u, but belief it still does is as real as anything we experience.

[[Sk...]]

As I cut the dose of that horrible poison Clonazepam, my neurological symptoms are getting more and more extreme. I am at 0.017 mg/day now. I went for a two mile walk and my pulse went up to 130 bpm. I ran 200 meters and it went to 160 bpm. Before this happened to me, I was in excellent shape and easily jogged several miles three times per week. Now, I can barely stand for long. Have people ever fully recovered from such neurological damage? I am afraid I will never get my life back.

[[Sk...]]

Alwaysstuck,

 

No problem. I appreciate your candor. However, I still experience my symptoms getting worse and worse as I cut, as you can see from my heart rate when ‘exercising’. It is getting to the point that I can’t stand up for long. I only reinstated ten months ago because I was afraid of long term withdrawal symptoms. Well, that is exactly what I have now. I don’t know if it would have been better to stick with my effective cold turkey or not. At this point, the question is mute. I am trying very hard to get off of this poison now. Even in the face of worsening symptoms. At this point, I have no choice. Thoughts?

[[Jo...]]

My pulse stays way higher than it ever did before quitting xanax at rest and during activity and I've been exercising a lot.  I used to work out a lot more and had way more muscle mass but now am just sore and super skinny with a high heat rate all the time.  It's crazy this stuff does so much damage to the nervous system.  I wonder as well if that will ever change.  The main goal of cardio is to strengthen the heart so it's more efficient and beats less at rest.  That seems to be irrelevant now for me.  I have a fit bit and my resting HR is 59 right now, it's gone down a little but I'll notice it's high 90s when I'm just eating or something.

[[Sk...]]

How long were you on Xanax and how much did you take? Also, when and how did you quit it? I am very worried this is permanent. I have no quality of life anymore.

[[Sk...]]

Now, after lunch my standing heart rate is 114 bpm. It used to be 47 bpm. It is getting to the point that I won’t be able to stand up. But I can’t rest lying down because I never get sleepy tired. All I can do is sit and suffer, but I have an overwhelming urge to move around. This is absolute hell on earth.

[[Ha...]]

Now, after lunch my standing heart rate is 114 bpm. It used to be 47 bpm. It is getting to the point that I won’t be able to stand up. But I can’t rest lying down because I never get sleepy tired. All I can do is sit and suffer, but I have an overwhelming urge to move around. This is absolute hell on earth.

 

Feel for you mate. There's no words to describe it unless you've experienced it is there.

 

It will pass tho, just got to keep plugging on

[[Sk...]]

I went for a walk today. Two miles. Heart rate was 130 bpm. I jogged 200 meters and rate went up to 160. What have I done to myself with these drugs? This is not living anymore. Every moment is pure torture. My left abdominal muscle also spasms with each breath. How can I recover from this damage. Also, now I get headaches all the time, and I am very dizzy. I am not even off this fn poison. My skin is numb and burns. Touching my skin gives me no pleasure because it hurts. What is the point?

[Guest [fl...]]

I understand. I feel the torture too. 9 months off CT (shouldn't have done that), and I am bed bound most of the time.

[[Sk...]]

I effectively did a cold turkey, but then reinstated at 0.35 mg. It didn’t make any difference. That was over ten months ago. I am now trapped on 0.016 mg/day, and I am in hell. I think I might have been better off not reinstating. I only seem to have done more damage in time by staying on the drug. I am totally screwed.

[Guest [...]]

Sky glider

Sounds like you have developed POTS

 

Look it up. Get to a proper dr for diagnosis

 

Use compression socks or tights

Get 5-10 gr of salt per day

Drink electrolytes

Drink 3 L per day

Eat smaller meals more frequently.

 

This should help

 

Lie down 10 min take HR and BP.

Stand up for 10 mins, take HR and BP at 1,3,5,8 & 10 min

 

If you have a sustained HR increase in over 30 bpm and no significant BP drop, then that is POTS

It is treatable and may very well go away once your brain gets better.

I have this, and it can be debilitating.

The headaches are the worst and I don’t know what is causing them, but with the lower BP that could be it

 

My legs go blue and purple and blotchy when standing for a long time

 

The salt and liquids help my HR.

 

Good luck

Winnie

 

[[Sk...]]

Yeah, I know about POTS. Sometimes heart rate isn’t that bad. Other times it is terrible. I pray it is not permanent. I have become an invalid in constant pain. I no longer have a life.