Short Time User Jumping

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I certainly hope you are right Pamster. I'm glad you were able to enjoy it and that's a good sign for me to follow. The family loves it there as it's beautiful right on a lake. It was just such a big purchase and came with a few people issues that have given me more anxiety than I have ever experienced. And the people issues really are manageable so it shouldn't be a big issue. I was taking the Ativan sporadically at the beginning of the purchase process in Nov to help that anxiety (plus the world events). The Ativan could have exacerbated the situation as you mentioned previously.

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Day 15 Update.

 

Yesterday brought a little higher anxiety than I had seen recently. Had to lay down for an hour to try to relax.

 

Today I saw the bad and some good.  This morning was a little better but still have the anxiety and was hard to concentrate through 1:30pm. I know I am off when I don't want to do anything beyond what I am doing at the moment. Also have some cold shivers which I have had before. The worst of this is not knowing the actual cause and when it will end. "Is it really the benzos, the underlying anxiety or the Zoloft?" My life is so good with family, work and finances so feeling this way just doesn't make sense.

 

Then the cloudy sky went away to be partly sunny at 2pm jumping from a 4 mood with a 3-4 anxiety to a 7 mood with little anxiety.

 

Meeting with psychiatrist thurs to discuss meds. Also with my primary next week to take a few tests to rule out anything medically.

 

 

[[Pa...]]

Your life sounds wonderful, a loving family, a good job, no financial worries, so what's the problem, right?  Was your anxiety somewhat manageable before benzo's, were you able to enjoy life, were you crippled by fear even though you had anxiety, if the answers to these questions points to only one conclusion then it makes sense to accept that conclusion.  Benzo's have made your life far more difficult and when you recover from this experience you'll have a new perspective in which to judge your underlying anxiety and the challenges it presents.

 

Is what you felt while recovering far worse than what you've lived with in the past and will that now seem minor in comparison to what you're living through now?  I've seen many members realize that what they used to consider anxiety to be minor compared to this, I hope the same proves true for you.

 

I hope you get a clean bill of health from your primary and I also hope you have a productive appointment with your psychiatrist.

 

 

 

[[Pa...]]

I thought you might want to check in on another member I enjoy talking to.  http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=250488.0

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Thanks Pamster. I never had anxiety before Nov 2020. I started getting stressed with the house buying process and starting using Atv every few days to calm down from that (as well as the world of Covid). By late Dec, I was at my worse not understanding what was happening.

 

So do I feel this bad about a beautiful vacation house purchase or did the Ativan take that anxiety and put me over the top? Really can’t tell until I get over this. But it doesn’t seem right to have this much anxiety over a purchase my entire family loves.

 

Day 16 update (Weds)

 

Felt really good last night, even doing silly dances w family at dinner. Little stress and felt an 8 mood after a a semi tough day of moderate anxiety. Today, back to the normal routine of morning anxiety that went away by noon. However, mood is lower today and haven’t seen that in a week or so. Am tired too. Another note is I moved from 125 mg to 150 mg Zoloft was on mon so that updose is probably contributing until I level off. Evening after dinner swapped out the down mood and brought some 6 level anxiety.

[[Pa...]]

Wow, all of this started over the vacation house, your inner voice must have been telling you not to buy it but you did anyway and its causing you an awful lot of distress.  I want to ask you all sorts of questions about why this has hit you so hard but I'm sure you've talked about it with your wife, therapist or friends and an internet stranger isn't going to get you any closer to understanding what's going on.

 

Your mood appears to be all over the map, it's frustrating isn't it?  I get the feeling you've always been an even keel kind of guy so I'm fairly certain you can't even recognize yourself right now.  That's the bad thing about these symptoms, we lose our sense of self, that connection that keeps us grounded, its scary.

 

 

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Yep, my inner voice was telling me not to move forward but I thought it was just normal nervousness. A psychiatrist told me the house was the final straw of buildup of COVID and father passing away earlier in the year. Feel like a shell of myself at times. Yes, been always even keel and very social so had no idea what was happening to me....and I still don't. Today, been a rough morning of anxiety. And feel free to ask away.

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Day 17 Update

 

Woke up early this morning 5:30 ish and felt the anxiety start to build Sleep on/off for the Next few hours. Upon getting up, had anxiety of a 6 and that lasted until early afternoon then was replaced with some apathy. Harder to concentrate at work.

 

Today I also spoke with my psychiatrist. He really didn't understand why I didn't want to take Ativan as his patients do fine when on low doses. He said I shouldn't worry about it. I asked about Buspar and he said he doesn't prescribe it too much as it doesn't work too well for most folks. Instead, he prescribed Hydroxyzine since I said that benydrl has been working at night. So we'll see how that goes.

[[Pa...]]

It looks like you and your Dr have figured out where this all came from, not one but many things building up over time, I'm very sorry you lost your Dad, mine is 91 and I know when he passes it's going to knock the wind out of me.  I worry that even when you recover from the Ativan you may still have stuff to deal with, I hope you can work through it all so you can get you back, it's terrible when we feel like a stranger to ourselves.

 

I understand your Dr thinking it's okay to take the Ativan but for those of us who are affected by them so negatively, it's not the answer, it's part of the problem.  I've seen many members mention Hydroxzine, I hope it treats you well and I also hope you can get past these awful mornings, it's a terrible way to start the day.

 

Have you gotten your Covid vaccination yet?  I've had them both and I find myself feeling joyful, a lessening of my anxiety being around people and I find myself getting tears in my eyes in gratitude for life's simple pleasures.  I didn't realize how deeply affected I've been until the light at the end of the tunnel started shining through.

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Took the newly prescribed Hydroxyzine late day when anxiety was low to test out. Chilled me out more and made me a bit more tired...like Benadryl but not as tired. Slept like a rock--the real test will be to see how it works when I have anxiety.

 

Day 18 Update (Friday)

Woke up w less anxiety than usual. Mood a little low but pretty good. Fully concentrating and doing a few organizational things I haven't been able to focus on. Best day so far of the week. I'm hoping this week's ups/downs were because of the Sertraline updose to 150 MG and Ativan healing. I know everyone's timeline is different but I'm hoping for this timeline: https://admin.americanaddictioncenters.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/benzo-withdrawal-timeline.jpg

[[Pa...]]

Its good to hear you were able to get some sleep and able to focus on some tasks, if this is a good day I can tell just how bad the week has been. 

 

Its tough to follow the breadcrumbs in order to figure out what causes what but just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll find your way out of this.

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Day 21 Update

 

Positive news. I know there can be waves and windows so I am really enjoying this window at the moment.

 

The past three days have been 90%+ normal which has been amazing. I've wanted to do things, interact with people, joke around, etc. Had Easter dinner at a restaurant last night and had great convos with family with lots of laughter. Also making vacation plans and discussing lake house trips. Additionally, I worked on taxes over the weekend which is something I was running from. At one point on Saturday, I was at a kids event talking to other parents. About an hour went by and I thought "wow, I haven't thought once about my withdrawals/mood." Usually, I can't go five minutes without thinking of it.

 

A note on the Hydroxyzine which I have been taking half to full .25mg tablet since last week. This knocks me out at night. When I wake up in the morning, I am in a bit of a fog....basically too foggy to have anxiety, which in turn could be helping stunt the anxiety before it starts.

 

[[Pa...]]

What a great update bluelake, I'm so happy you've gotten a peek into your future and I love that you were able to discuss lake house trips, the bane of your existence, this is a good sign!

 

Maybe that drug hangover is helping you in the morning, I hope you'll let us know if this continues, it might be good to know for other members.

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Day 27 Update.

 

I haven't been writing because I have been feeling good to great 7 days in a row. Not consumed with anxiety and happy, planning. Was thinking I was 95% back to normal. Had a beer or two during the week and a few coffees. No issues.

 

Decided I was ready to head to the vacation house to tackle some of that anxiety that started it all. Felt good on ride up but has some underlying anxiety. Then it hit me right when I arrived. Could not relax and generally did not enjoy myself. Did some things around the house but some of the things that bothered me before came back (overwhelming, a few of the house characteristics).

 

It's Sun and back home. Some of the anxiety is back after a great night sleep. Hoping this was a bump and will bounce right back.

[[Pa...]]

I'm happy you've had a good week, we typically see members post less when they feel good, I'm glad this was true in your case. 

 

You'll bounce back and those feelings you experienced this weekend will fade as you get stronger.  This was a good test and it's good to test yourself rather than hide away in fear.  Keep pushing those boundaries because how will you know what you're capable of if you don't try? 

 

I predict the next time you go there you'll feel better and keep feeling better as you recover fully, you're getting there. 

 

 

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Thanks Pamster for the words of encouragement. I'm just so happy to have had a clear period and have been able to handle anything (that wasn't possible in March). So it seems like I have the one thing to tackle with this situational anxiety as I make the steps towards recovery.

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Week 6 Update

 

It's been a bit of an interesting ride. The first two weeks after jumping was very similar to when I was on Ativan. No worse. Then I had 4-5 days of clarity followed by 4-5 days of anxiety.

 

The cloud lifted for a week plus around the 3rd-4th week about April 2-10. I honestly thought I dodged a bullet feeling 95%, drinking coffee, laughing, having a beer, planning, not thinking about anxiety. I'm me again.

 

THEN: On 4/10, I returned to the scene on my biggest stressor that started it all....Our vacation house. Felt fine on way up and anxiety kicked in upon pulling into the driveway. We stayed the night and the same (but better) anxiety started when I woke up. How crazy is this?!?! Confuses me even more as I felt great before going up. Is it the Ativan coming back up? Or the underlying issue of the house purchase? Some combo of both?

 

After coming home from 4/11-4/20, I had varying degrees of anxiety and down mood but never worse than when on Atv. I just can't feel this way going to the house. This past Sun, I was on "it's the house" reason side for anxiety so I took .5 of Ativan and felt great for the day as one would expect. The following two days were anxiety filled like a few months ago (Can't think beyond the moment without anxiety, not focused in work, etc). All I could think is I messed things up. I've been extremely tired this entire time even taking a few naps during the day. On the plus side, there are no shakes or they are very limited.

 

Then I woke up today with the cloud lifted again and feel 90% and want to go to the house while going back and forth with neighbors on positive things. So the ping pong continues.  Hoping the trend continues tomorrow.

 

It's the positive times that keep me going knowing I'll get there. I feel for some many that don't have those windows at all as it's so hard during those waves (as everyone knows.)

 

Is my experience of awesome windows followed by waves normal?

 

Last note, have tried some CBD with a little THC oil but didn't really do too much with my first few tries. Continuing to take Hydroxyzine every other night which does calm down some of the anxiety and put me to sleep like a baby. If anyone is having sleep issues, you might want to try that.

[[Pa...]]

Its so good to hear from you again, I was wondering just today how you were doing.  I'm sorry to know the vacation house is still causing you distress but you're right, this whole journey started with it so I guess we can't expect it to go magically away just because you're heading towards benzo recovery.  You may need to find a way to work through your anxiety over this because it sounds like your family is in love with the place.

 

It sounds like your experiment with Ativan produced a typical result, letting you know it's the source of your discomfort, but I hope you know you didn't mess things up, a one off dose won't cause you any issues except the mind game it plays to lure you back in and I know you won't do that.

 

I'm grateful you're having windows but I know the waves hurt that much more when they follow, many members say the brighter the window the worse the wave is but its probably just the letdown of the window slamming shut.

 

Its good you've found a way to get some sleep, insomnia makes this so much more difficult.  I hope you'll keep dropping by, I'm anxiously (not in a bad way) awaiting your success story. 

 

 

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Happy Mother’s Day. It’s been a couple of weeks since I last wrote. Things have been up and down. I went to my vacation house for a weekend and decided to beat any anxiety before it started with .5 Ativan on two different days. Had a great weekend and felt I made a breakthrough being able to enjoy the house. The following week was ok at about 85%. I took the same approach last weekend with .5 each weekend day but not as effective.

 

This past week, I had a couple of rough days where all I wanted to do is stay in bed and not do anything. Couldn’t focus in work, feel detached. Had to go see people and needed some Atv to be able to do that this past Fri.

 

Yesterday, things flipped again and became more positive and had a great night at dinner with wife and a few friends. I did start taking CalmAid on fri so it’s possible that is having an impact. I would sure love to rely on that than Ativan. Also upped dose of Sertraline a few weeks ago to 200mg so that could be kicking in.

 

Overall, still very confused with what is happening with my brain. When off Atv for about 30 days, I experienced some great days followed by some tough days. Doctor says Ativan shouldn’t be impacting me but who knows. The issues of the vacation house really aren’t bad issues. Heck, Zillow says it’s value is 8% higher than the purchase price and the neighbors are great.

 

Basically lots of ups and downs on this journey to mental recovery.

[[Kl...]]

Great to hear how you are doing and having a lot of good windows! I know the vacation house seems like it might be a stressor, but it also might be a Pavlovian response... you’re conditioned to be anxious about it so then anxiety follows. I think over time and if you cut the benzo completely it’ll get a lot better. Don’t let the bad drops make you go back to the med... I think it’ll make it worse in the long run - just trust in your recovery, listen to your body, meditate, and find ways to distract to disassociate the anxiety with the vacation home. I’ve been doing a lot of somatic therapy, learning to listen to my body more, and being ok with the anxiety when it comes... it’s helping me not ruminate as much.

 

Although I read these boards and still ruminate over what’s going to happen as I continue to wean. I’ve dropped 40% in the last 2 months... at 20% of my day pill now (.1) and .5 night still and am tracking how I’m doing. I noticed 17% in 2 weeks was too much so I’ve dropped to 3-4% a week and thus far it’s going alright. Just slowing getting this toxic poison down and listening to my body as I wean to pace it the right way... taking it one day at a time (as much as I can!)

 

You sound like you are getting better and better - don’t let the anxiety around the vacation home get you back into depending on the benzo! It’ll improve over time, and staying away from it is your best bet!!

 

Thanks for keeping us posted. I’ve been following your journey and so inspired by how well you have been doing!!

[[Pa...]]

Its good to hear from you again, but I have to disagree with your Dr about Ativan not being a factor in this.  The fact that you took it and it made your trip so much better tells me it's absolutely the Ativan recovery still having an impact, it takes a long time to repair the damage the drug has done. 

 

I'm beginning to think you ought to sell your lake house, its the perfect time because real estate is through the roof right now and if the only way you can enjoy it is to be on a benzodiazepine then its not worth keeping.

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Thanks Pam. You are probably right. I'm seeing another doctor on Tuesday to get another opinion. The psychiatrist I have been seeing doesn't take my concerns around Ativan seriously.

 

Around the selling of the house, the family loves it so there is a lot of pressure there. Have already put out a few feelers and may go through with selling it in a few months.

 

Feeling anxious again today. Yesterday went downhill a bit as really withdrew from family.

[[Pa...]]

I hope you can find someone who can take what we go through seriously, it frustrates me that a person who has no idea what you're dealing with will make a judgement which diminishes your pain and makes you doubt it's origination.  I realize you were dealing with anxiety over this house before Ativan but the drug withdrawal certainly exacerbates it.

 

I can see the lake house, no matter what you decide to do is going to cause you a lot of distress, selling it will upset the family but also make you feel like you're letting them down but also yourself for not being able to 'control' your emotions, something we all especially men are expected to do.  Keeping it will place an untenable responsibility on you to buck up and swallow your anxiety, not the best way to go about enjoying a beautiful vacation home.  Gosh, I hope you can find someone to help you come to terms with a decision that will be best for both you and your family. 

 

Please keep checking in, I care.