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Thinking 24/7


[95...]

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[95...]
Does anyone else suffer with constant thinking and awareness of thinking 24/7?  I never get distracted from this.  My thoughts are always racing, looping, sticking etc.
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Slightly different but constant rumination of past events, pre benzo life, negative thoughts feelings. My entire day since jump has been eyes glued to iPad trying to distract but it’s always only 50% distraction.
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I dunno. I’ve basically believed it’s brain damage. It hasn’t lifted at all

Sorry we r suffering so much

It’s worse than death

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[95...]

I dunno. I’ve basically believed it’s brain damage. It hasn’t lifted at all

Sorry we r suffering so much

It’s worse than death

 

It's 100% brain damage. I think it just depends on whether our brains are capable of fixing itself or we need to help it out.

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The way I picture it is my cns is on constant overdrive. Neurons are firing on their own for no reason and on no outside stimulation causing the wrong neurotransmitters to flood our brain constantly. Basically dopamine, seratonin, glutamate everything in a chaotic state. With not enough gaba and gaba sites to calm the activity down. This is obviously oversimplification and my own hypothesis. But i can’t see how any external force can help an excited neuron calm down unless it’s chemicals..which we’ve already tried and failed with Benzos.

 

 

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[95...]

The way I picture it is my cns is on constant overdrive. Neurons are firing on their own for no reason and on no outside stimulation causing the wrong neurotransmitters to flood our brain constantly. Basically dopamine, seratonin, glutamate everything in a chaotic state. With not enough gaba and gaba sites to calm the activity down. This is obviously oversimplification and my own hypothesis. But i can’t see how any external force can help an excited neuron calm down unless it’s chemicals..which we’ve already tried and failed with Benzos.

 

If we don't have sufficient cofactors at optimal level. Magnesium, B-Vitamins, trace minerals, nutrients etc. Then the brain can't fix and heal itself properly.  The problem is taking and being able to tolerate these things which is hard for us.

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I went through the symptom of being hyper aware of my thoughts for about a year and I still get locked up inside my own head with feeling like I am more along for the ride than in any sort of control.  I hate the flashing imagery and high speed racing aspect that feels like it will continue to get faster until I just POP! 

  It isn’t pleasant now, but it is miles better than it was when I couldn’t even get enough space in my head to process simple actions or be able to speak.  I would say I am about 70% improved.  Paxil withdrawals spike it back to almost full speed so I am taking breaks in between cuts.

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[95...]

I went through the symptom of being hyper aware of my thoughts for about a year and I still get locked up inside my own head with feeling like I am more along for the ride than in any sort of control.  I hate the flashing imagery and high speed racing aspect that feels like it will continue to get faster until I just POP! 

  It isn’t pleasant now, but it is miles better than it was when I couldn’t even get enough space in my head to process simple actions or be able to speak.  I would say I am about 70% improved.  Paxil withdrawals spike it back to almost full speed so I am taking breaks in between cuts.

 

Thanks for chiming in Myke.  I haven't see you on the board before. I am also tapering remeron which is similar in neurotransmitters it affects.  Sorry to hear about your suffering.

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  I have been sitting on the 20mg Paxil despite hitting a nice plateau of much slowed down thoughts(a lot less tangential crap).  The weird super vivid flashing image iterations can be shunted to the side and I can actually space out once in a while right now.  As I have done the Paxil cuts, I have come to believe that the Paxil is majorly aggravating my Benzo OCD rock solid attachment to my thoughts. 

  Getting back the distance that I never knew was there until I was drowning in my own thoughts has been step by step reductions of all OCD symptoms along with the Paxil.  I don’t want to go back underwater with another cut, but I want to get better than this(life isn’t livable yet) so I will be diving deep again soon.

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[95...]

  I have been sitting on the 20mg Paxil despite hitting a nice plateau of much slowed down thoughts(a lot less tangential crap).  The weird super vivid flashing image iterations can be shunted to the side and I can actually space out once in a while right now.  As I have done the Paxil cuts, I have come to believe that the Paxil is majorly aggravating my Benzo OCD rock solid attachment to my thoughts. 

  Getting back the distance that I never knew was there until I was drowning in my own thoughts has been step by step reductions of all OCD symptoms along with the Paxil.  I don’t want to go back underwater with another cut, but I want to get better than this(life isn’t livable yet) so I will be diving deep again soon.

 

Are you saying that the Paxil was exagerbating the OCD symptoms you got from coming off benzos and you notice less of a hold each time you drop?  How are you tapering the Paxil if you don't mind me asking?

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Yes, I am saying that.  I drop 10 mg and the crap hits the fan.  The speed and intrusiveness level of my thoughts quickly go from bad to horrible and then slowly get back to under control after 2-3 months.  The second cut was way more intense, but it may be that there was just a bigger difference between my improved state and jumping all the way down the well again.

  Also Paxil Withdrawals are similar to benzos in symptoms but also with the lower you are in cutting = the more intense and extreme the withdrawals are.  Paxil is extremely short acting for an AD so I really don’t see it often anymore.  I specifically requested it at the beginning of acute withdrawals because I had been on it in my early 20’s without major side effects like all the other drugs I was put on to fix what turned out to be benzo interdose w/d.

 

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[95...]

Yes, I am saying that.  I drop 10 mg and the crap hits the fan.  The speed and intrusiveness level of my thoughts quickly go from bad to horrible and then slowly get back to under control after 2-3 months.  The second cut was way more intense, but it may be that there was just a bigger difference between my improved state and jumping all the way down the well again.

  Also Paxil Withdrawals are similar to benzos in symptoms but also with the lower you are in cutting = the more intense and extreme the withdrawals are.  Paxil is extremely short acting for an AD so I really don’t see it often anymore.  I specifically requested it at the beginning of acute withdrawals because I had been on it in my early 20’s without major side effects like all the other drugs I was put on to fix what turned out to be benzo interdose w/d.

 

 

Have you considered doing a liquid taper or doing percent cuts instead of dropping a whole 10mg at a time?

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Nope.  I will drop down to cutting by 5mg, but cut the holding time way down and see how that goes.  I have already denied the Dr.s offer of long lasting Paxil stuff to taper off.  I see way too many problems and extremely extended tapering durations on here.  I think it is the smart thing to do, but I am too damn stubborn and don’t feel very smart while I am on drugs. lol.

  Really though, I am just not willing to give in entirely.  It is a small thing but I don’t have any interest in rolling on Paxil withdrawals for very long.  I will slow down but not to scale or titration speeds.  It is a devil I know, so I am duly prepared for the struggle.

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  • 3 weeks later...
I don't think it's brain damage. At least not in the sense that's irreversible. It's because your gaba receptors have been down regulated and glutamate is too high. Think autistic children. They have been found to have abnormally high amounts of glutamate. Glutamate is a necessary neurotransmitter responsible for critical thinking and concentrating on complex problems. That's why they can laser focus on things while ignoring everything else. And that's why our brains get hijacked with intrusive and looping thoughts. It will go away when it once again reaches equilibrium.
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I don't think it's brain damage. At least not in the sense that's irreversible. It's because your gaba receptors have been down regulated and glutamate is too high. Think autistic children. They have been found to have abnormally high amounts of glutamate. Glutamate is a necessary neurotransmitter responsible for critical thinking and concentrating on complex problems. That's why they can laser focus on things while ignoring everything else. And that's why our brains get hijacked with intrusive and looping thoughts. It will go away when it once again reaches equilibrium.

 

Incredible description that brings me tons of peace.

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[95...]

Going through this also. Don't have much to add, but wanted to hop on board.

 

Live - have you tried running or swimming or any physical exercise?

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Yes, actually. Cardio seems to really help. My job is really physical and I notice on my days off when I don't move much, the mental crap gets so much worse.
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[95...]

Yes, actually. Cardio seems to really help. My job is really physical and I notice on my days off when I don't move much, the mental crap gets so much worse.

 

I'm talking more about aerobic activity like running 5K etc?

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  • 2 weeks later...
How are you doing tapering off, do you still have OCD type symptoms. I even tried reinstating zop for 3 days had such a dreadful weekend but decided to stop. My really bad symptoms all caused by citalopram. Can't imagine ever recovering as nothing ever seems improve. I know we shouldn't think negatively but difficult when this consumes your whole life 24/7.
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How are you doing tapering off, do you still have OCD type symptoms. I even tried reinstating zop for 3 days had such a dreadful weekend but decided to stop. My really bad symptoms all caused by citalopram. Can't imagine ever recovering as nothing ever seems improve. I know we shouldn't think negatively but difficult when this consumes your whole life 24/7.

 

I don't know what's what anymore. All of my weird mental shit went away for a long time and was replaced with air hunger and breathing obsession. It became normal and I stopped caring. And then slowly that started to fade throughout the day. Then the mental shit came back for whatever reason and I'm constantly forced to monitor my thoughts and ruminate. Backwards healing? I have no idea. I'm just kind of trying to ignore it as best as I can and continue on with life and distraction. I think I'm slowly losing hope, but what else can you do?

 

How the hell do I feel like I'm in year one when I'm nearly 40 months out. This has to be some sort of weird mental illness. Atleast that's all I can seem to fixate on. Insane.

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[95...]
Hey LiveAboveIt. I still cant send PMs for a while now for some reason. I think you might still be in a setback from alcohol. I remember seeing a post back in january where you said you were close to feeling nearly healed?  Unfortunately, we can never drink in my opinions. Ive seen too many setbacks from alcohol and antibiotics. Im sure you will bounce back soon. Im doing horrible myself. Remeron really made everything worse for me.
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