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I just feel like a terrible person


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Hi, it's me!  I just feel like a terrible person.

 

This depression, which I have had for many years, is my focus.  Or anxiety when it occurs.  I get so negative.  Nothing is right.  Everything is wrong.  Problem is that I also have the thought distortion that if I feel it, it must be true.  And I have attachment disorder, specific to my now passed mom.

 

Prior to the pandemic, I pretty much self isolated for a few reasons.  I felt like I was a friend when it was convenient or useful to my "friends".  I also would compare them to me and always come up short, feeling jealous.  I want to be happy for my friends.  But I found it hard because their lives weren't stuck.  Their lives were fun.  They weren't perfect, but they had other people.  I didn't.

 

I don't know what happened to me.  I can be charismatic, charming and fun.  But I have sunk into this insecure, jealous, negative, scared ninny.  I hate it.  I'm ashamed of many things.  Things that are environmental.  Things from the past.  Things that I can't let go of.

 

I have a therapist who is working with me to quit beating myself up.  And I can't tell you how many people have told me "oh, you're so hard on yourself".  To me, it just seems that I'm being honest.

 

So, I am trying to say to myself "today, I'm gonna make things better".  New mantra.  I try to think of positives, but none really come to mind.  I have moments where I tell myself that I have many chances to make an impression.  The first is not the end.

 

But, my default is self-loathing.  Which seems to be way more intense than it was before reducing the benzo.  But I find it hard to believe that it is the benzo.  Yet I  read here how it is the benzo.

 

I just need some levity.

 

 

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First of all, you're not a terrible person, although your brain is telling you otherwise.  This process takes a toll on us, we're buried in negative thinking, self loathing and intrusive memories about our past transgressions, it's a nightmare of physical, mental and emotional upheaval. 

 

This drug while we're taking it changes who we are, and then when we withdraw from it, the changes are even more drastic, so don't judge your behavior or your life until you're free and healed from the damage its done to you.  When we take this drug, our brain makes changes to it's function in order to accommodate the drug, how can you know who you are anymore when the drug has changed your brain? 

 

Its the benzo, I'm telling you as someone who has walked in your shoes, it's the benzo, it's not you!

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  • 4 weeks later...

Sounds so familiar - glad to see someone post it besides me. Sounds like it's a really tough place to be in - if it's what it is for me.

 

I've had a lousy self-esteem issue since childhood. I regret so many things - both what I did and didn't do. I carry a heavy weight

with me at all times - never can get shed of it. Profound sadness too.

In my case, it's far worse with the Benzo ordeal. Wish I could cry but the Benzos took that from me.

 

I don't think it's a matter of positive vs negative, but rather, real vs illusion. Seems to secure it's foundation with the judgment connotation

of the +/- mind-set whereas the reality/unreality discernment is free from that type of thing. But doesn't seem to be something

I can do alone - especially in a Benzo frame of mind.

 

For me, I fear at my age, it's too late. I've burned too many bridges - friends, marriage, family is all gone. I am alone now with the cat.

But I'm guessing for you, it's not too late. Hopefully you can be free from the Benzos at some point soon and from the inner conflict.

I would suggest you needn't suffer.

 

 

 

 

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