Never thought it would end. It's over.

[[sn...]]

Well, here we go again with the negativity. I know it's a symptom of withdrawal. Verax, if you're going to make a claim like you did, that our cognitive abilities will be forever impaired CAN YOU PLEASE HAVE CREDIBLE SOURCES THAT BACK YOUR CLAIM UP. Your post, Verax, is EXACTLY why I got off and stayed off this site during and after my withdrawal.

 

I never was a genius, never will be. Benzos gave me a false sense of security that helped me dare to do a few things I never would have, and probably never should have ever done. That would definitely include some career choices I made. Getting off the benzos made me realize that my career choice wasn't working for me. Under the influence of the drug, I could limp along in any job, didn't matter.  Maybe, Verax, you were never cut out for what you were doing. Ever thought of that? Turns out I wasn't cut out for my job. So I left it. Years of training for it, huge investment. Didn't work out. Got another one last year, eight months paid training for this job (who ever hears of such things these days?). Thick, huge training manuals, exams, computer systems and databases to master,  had to study laws and regulation. Very difficult stuff. Several trainees were let go for not passing. Some quit and found less challenging jobs. I made it so far. My probation period ends next month, and I get to see if I make it. I may not. If it doesn't work out at my new job,I'll have to get another one. Working can suck. It's hard, that's why so many people buy lottery tickets.

 

I'd say another symptom that is the last one to go, and probably the most difficult symptom to deal with, was the kind of negativity displayed in the previous post. Like Verax, I felt as if my brain was damaged permanently. It wasn't. As i stated before, I was put on psych meds including benzos because of psychiatric problems, the biggest of all being "depression." I had, and still struggle with what seems at times to be an addiction to negative thinking. It seems I am not alone in having this problem, and as I said, feeling "doomed" was a major and near constant symptom of benzo withdrawal.

 

So, not to make you feel bad, or wrong for your post, but until you can back up that claim of permanent cognitive damage with some verifyable data, I'm going to take it with a grain of salt. Maybe a dash of hot sauce.

 

I'm not saying benzos can't cause permanent damage, perhaps they can, but they didn't in my case.

 

Another thing I'd like to mention, one of the very last ability to come back online for me was the ability to think in a positive way, and to feel like I had some control of my own life, that I could overcome things and even get ahead somehow if I really tried. That is just finally beginning to come back, in the last couple of weeks, really.

 

Speaking honestly, there was damn good reason why I was put on benzos and psych meds for depression and anxiety. Negative thinking is very hard to overcome. I haven't overcome that problem yet. Maybe one day i will. Ican't fault myself for not trying, though, because I am. If any of you have that same tendency toward negative thinking that I do, I hope you beat it somehow. It's a hard way to live, I tell you.

And again if you feel doomed, that you will never ever get better, you will. It just may take a long, long time. Peace.

[[Pa...]]

Snurkel71 YOU ROCK!!!!!

 

like seriously positivity is such a hugeeee part of recovery. It's all we got really while we battle this beast!! I know negativity is a ugly bad symptom in benzo/ad withdrawal. BUT for me staying positive and believing has helped me emensley to my happy place and my recovery.

thank you so much for being a uplifting honest positive person !!

 

 

[[er...]]

Hey Snurkel71!

 

Thanks a lot for taking the time to write such a good post and the response re; positive thinking..

 

I am a little over a year out after a 7 month taper off of clonazepam, and although it was a terrible process of withdrawing, I'm glad to say I'm getting better, ever so slowly.. Working out hard at the gym has been very good for me, and most of my physical symptoms are manageable now.. The cognitive parts are a little harder, but as you say, I was never a genius either, so I don't know what I expect now..

 

I started my taper when I was 46, now I'm 48 and hopefully I'll be feeling really good by the time I'm 50!  (they say 50 is the new "30" : )

 

I'm so glad to be off of benzos - from reading your post I imagine we probably have a bunch in common, but I am very opposed to benzos now, although I wish I was neutral like you are..

 

Well, thanks again for doing the right thing and writing a great post.. It's very important in this process to let others know that we do heal, even after thinking we never would..

 

Keep up the good work and good luck with your new job!

 

Eric

[[Be...]]

Snurkel71,

 

I want to congratulate you on your success and compliment you for the well written summary.  This may be the most positive and descriptive success story I have read since becoming a member nearly 3 years ago.  I agree that there are too few really positive success stories.  I am now 18 months benzo free and confirm your assessment that things do go back to mostly normal, but underlying conditions still need to be dealt with without benzos.  My observation and experience has been that people with slow tapers generally report better results sooner.  I never felt very well during my taper, but believe that there was some healing occurring as I was stepping down dosage.  Healing definitely started occurring after my withdrawal was complete, but the initial months seemed to go slowly and I did not notice significant improvements until the 6 month and 12 month benzo free milestones.  I have noticed a step change improvement at the 18 month milestone and believe I am nearly 100% now.

[[Ai...]]

Thank you so much for your encouragement!  Glad you're at the other end of the madness!

[[Da...]]

Bump. Look at the comments from Verax and the response. Very good.

[[Co...]]

I want to clarify... you're not saying you agree with Verax's comment, correct?

[[Da...]]

That's correct not agreeing, just like the response.

[[Ra...]]

Thank you for posting your story.  It helps!

 

[[of...]]

Howdy,

It's really easy to move on now and not post a success story.  I don't want to look back, but I'm doing it now.  Remember to post yours when it ends for you.  Now that I got that out of the way, here's my tale:

 

I was on benzos for about 15 years, first to last pill, daily most of the time.  Started out on Ativan 3mg a day at nearly 29 years of age, ended on Klonopin (clonazepam) 2.5mg a day before a long, long 15 month taper off the clonazepam that ended a few months before I turned 44 (I am nearly 46 now).  I got my first pill in an emergency room, took my last tiny sliver of a pill at home 15 years later.  It was the most effective medication I ever took for my anxious, paranoid, depressed personality.  It was also the most addictive (physically) medication with absolutely horrifying withdrawals.  I took my very last benzo almost exactly two years ago.

 

If you are reading this and you're saying to yourself, as I did,"This will never end.  I will never ever be like those who are so lucky they actually get better.  I'm doomed for the rest of my days..." You will eventually be in for a very pleasant surprise.  I know I was.  I kept looking for success stories, and there weren't enough of them.  As I said, people move on from here.  I haven't posted here in months.  I'm surprised I remembered to, but I figured I'd try to be helpful. 

 

I had so many symptoms during my taper and withdrawal, I can't even remember them all.  I'll just give you the ones I remember: insomnia, paranoia, nerve pain, head pressure, body jolts, numbness in face and extremities, benzo belly, crying spells, entire body swelling, rage, excessive sweating, incontinence, a very tight feeling in my throat, chest pain, major food sensitivities, double vision (very rarely), and a strange feeling that my body was held together by rubber bands.  In total, I was sick for over 3 years coming off of benzos.  3 years.  In the last month or two, I have not felt any serious nerve pain, but it may come back.  I'm almost entirely healed - almost entirely back to what I remember to be my "normal" self.  Truthfully speaking, I was never "normal" to begin with - hence why I was put on benzos and anti-depressants for 15 years.  I'm on absolutely zero drugs now, aside from the occasional beer or glass of wine.  I still have horrible insomnia problems - but I have had those my entire life.  It is nothing new to me.  I am also rather naturally paranoid.  It is possible that I am more paranoid and prone to insomnia than before - but it's hard to say.  However - I am not walking around feeling like somebody hit me in the head with a baseball bat.  I no longer have to shave a totally numb face - I can't tell you how weird that one was (went on for months).  I no longer leak like a faucet and have to change my undies because I can't control my bladder.  I don't wake up crying for an hour every single morning of my life (that one went on for a year).  I don't think my car's engine is going to explode every time I drive it.  I could go on and on. 

 

So yeah, I went through just about as bad a withdrawal and recovery phase as anybody.  I had to watch what I ate, went days without sleep and then drove myself to work (that was fun), laid in bed sick on my free time for about 2 years or so (all through the taper, and the first year or so off).  It SUCKED, but it's over now.  I can pretty much eat whatever I want without major flareups of symptoms.  I can drink alcohol without issue (having a beer as I write this).  If I had to put a number on it, I'd say I'm about 90-95% healed - maybe more.  As I mentioned I was never 100% "normal" to begin with.  Plus, I'm middle aged now (almost 46 years old) so perhaps I've got the usual wear and tear issues people get in their 40s if they don't live the healthiest lifestyle. 

 

Here are some other things might be worth mentioning to you that I went through during the taper and withdrawal. 

I got married, I changed careers (couldn't deal with the stress of my previous job during withdrawal), I took classes at school and passed, I kept a social life some of the time (sometimes I couldn't do things), I moved twice. 

 

My life isn't perfect.  It never was, it never will be.  I have a lot of crap to deal with.  15 years drugged out on psych meds, and then dealing with the withdrawals, I missed out on a lot of life.  There are many years of my life I can't really remember clearly.  Sometimes I want to take a pill and relax - even after all I went through - but I know better and that urge fades - it's only when I'm stressed out.  I'm OK now.  I never thought I would be. 

 

I do not hate benzos, though I most certainly did during the entire withdrawal period.  They did save my butt in the ER way back when I took them that first time.  I would have been locked up in a mental ward.  Might be there still, who knows?  They saved me, but then they hurt me.  It was my ignorance of benzos that hurt me, not so much the benzos themselves. I don't see myself ever taking a benzo again - at least I hope I never do - but I am not knocking them as a med.  If taken on occasion or for short periods of time, they are very effective.  A person can function on them (for a while) and not be a burden on family or society.  So what I'm saying is - I'm not a hater of benzos - even after what I went through.  You may know what i mean some day - probably not today though - OK -you get my point. 

 

So if you're going through hell, just keep going.  When I was really suffering, I used to read the success stories and think those people were lying that they recovered.  They probably weren't.  I'm not.  I'm really better, and I can't see why you won't be better too.  Time is the healer, and when it finally clears up, you won't hardly remember what you went through - unless you sit down and think and write about it.  Best of luck, buddies.  You can get through this, but it isn't a quick process - BUT IT DOES END.  Peace.

 

Thank you for coming back and posting ... this is me. Was never normal , you give me hope.