im done with this i want my life back with benzo's

[[an...]]

I felt just like you in month 5- so so so suicidal.

 

I am not in month 10 and I never feel like that anymore.

 

Please hang on!

 

You can even click my name and read how horrible I felt.

 

It gets better I swear to you. Don't let anyone scare you thinking you feel like them 20 months out. That is not as common as they make you believe.

 

Healing is happening for you right now even if you don't believe it is.

[[Da...]]

Hi Lodast, I am at 1 year out right now and when I was at 5 months I was totally where you are. Lots of, probably most of us, have suicide ideation. That is different from being suicidal but it is constant thoughts of suicide. I found that items made me kind fantasize about suicide, like when I was vacuuming I imaged I could hang myself with the vacuum cord. Now that is so bizarre but honestly if I would do it, I definitely would never hang myself. My brother is a pathologist and he told me a long time ago when people hang themselves you eyes pop out of the socket. Who wants to be an unattractive corpse, not me.

 

What I'm saying is learn to separate the suicidal thoughts against the reality. If I honestly ever believed I would go through with it I would ask for help. My 19 y/o nephew did it and it is one of the hardest things my family has been through, and I blame myself for it to this day. The only choice we have is to go forward. To learn these and all the other intrusive thoughts are part of WD and dr ashton wrote about them in her study. I feel like you posting your thoughts here is kind of reaching out.

 

At one year I still have suicide ideation and I cannot stop it. Like whenever I let me mind rest, which we automatically do, like when we are trying to fall asleep for instance, bam the thoughts pop in there.  There is no way to stop it.

 

Take care of yourself and if you really feel like you might do it, tell someone, you can always call the hotline.

[[lo...]]

i wanna thank you all for your reply's i have such a rough time , i cant believe the pain im going true did you guys also had such backpain and muscle pain especially around the hip area?

its so hard to except this knowing who i was before this!

 

thanks all for your support guys