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im done with this i want my life back with benzo's


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almost 5 months out my symptoms are still the same as when i started tapering :very weak legs,back pain,hip muscles (glutes) very very sore,joint and muscle pain,brain fog,very tired .

I hate my life and im thinking about ending it because this is no way of living.

even when i read some posts of people who are 4 years out and they still have the same symptoms , then i know this is forever and nothing will go away.

some pain i experience just doesn't feel like widrawal , my back feels like there is a serious problem but i already had everything checked out by specialist and docters and i mean everything , my knees ,back , legs,brain,feet,belly.....everything has been checked but nothing came out.

im done at this point its going back to benzo's or ?

 

 

Edit: Removed self harm reference

Magrita:

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Hello lodast

 

I'm terribly sorry that you are having such a rough time right now, your life won’t always be this way. Withdrawal is a dreadful thing to go through but you have to remind yourself that its temporary.  It is so easy to get frustrated when it is taking a long time to heal from withdrawal and the effects of benzos on the system.  Your life is precious,  please don’t think of doing something permanent for something that is temporary.

 

The feeling of hopelessness and  giving up is really common during withdrawal,  sometimes it is difficult to see the end to this.  This will end though, it could be tomorrow or next week, but it will happen I promise you. Hang in there a little longer another day forward, you will see a difference.

 

It is important to let others  on the ground know about these thoughts, family, a friend, talk to your GP.  Please do try to find someone, a professional, you can talk to about this. We take any reference to suicide seriously because we want you to be safe, call someone, or go to the ER if these thoughts persist.

 

Let me refer you to our "Suicide and Self-harm" page,

Suicide, Self-harm Resources

 

We care about you and want you safe.

 

Magrita  :smitten:

 

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Hi Lodast,

 

Don't do it mate, it will get better 100%. Remember you are reading the worst cast scenarios, only the very very tiny minority. Four years is a very protracted withdrawal and is extremely rare. How long were you on Benzo's for? What is your approximate age?

 

From the sounds of your muscle and neuropathic pain, you may really benefit from Neurotonin or Lyrica, have you tried them? I am going through a rough time myself so my advice and reply isn't the best, im sure others will give better advice but I do know this - with the passage of time we all recover, it could be in a few months or you could wake up tomorrow and feel a lot better. And protracted withdrawal is very rare. You must be congratulated for coming this far and being off benzos for 5 months that's a huge achievement.  I hope your recovery comes sooner than later -

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i was on benzo for aprox. 4 years (alprazolam) i went from 2 pills before sleeping to 7 pills (7mg's)!!!

because the pills didn't work anymore i started drinking (alcohol) on them until it was to much to handle so i tapered from oktober 2015 until juli 2016

im 36 years old and feel like a 90 year old all of my muscles hurts and krak and snap all the time....?

i dont want any pills anymore iwanned to get trough tis without anymore medication because i thought it would speed the process of healing.....

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I feel exactly the same today. I'm having a big Insomnia attack and I think this is the result of today being my third day of absolutely no sleep. I feel 'drunk' and poisoned. I'm certainly at the outer limits of my endurance that's for sure. I somehow managed to make it to the pharmacy to get my Subutex, that's all I can manage in terms of actually going out right now and that's only because I have no choice. I get back in from doing that and start fretting about how I will manage tomorrow's pharmacy trip and other things I have to do, as when you're suffering in silence like me, there's no pause button for life and it all gets too much too quickly. All I can advise is if these horrible thoughts get too much, please, whatever you do don't give up. I know that's the last thing you probably want to hear, but I've always believed where there's life, there's hope. From the copious hours of research I've done on the devastation Benzos can cause, I've come across one thing, and that's it DOES get better. I'm having to suffer this in silence due to a total brick wall lack of understanding from ANYONE. The first, and only place I've been able to talk about what's happening to me is here on this forum. I don't know the details of your circumstances, but if this really gets too much you absolutely MUST tell someone, just go to A&E/ER and tell someone there. Just posting how I feel on here has helped me immensely. I struggle a bit to express my feelings verbally, I write a lot of it down in Word or on my tablet PC. Even if it's just gibberish nonsense, it feels like I've unchained the beast just a little bit. Sorry I can't be of more help right now, but you certainly are NOT alone.
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Please DON'T DO IT. I know it doesn't fee like it, but it will get better. You are not alone in this. There are thousands of people going through the same thing alongside you everyday.  I know it's  relentless, and frustrating, but this is not your forever. Please don't do it.
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Just wanted to let you know that I didn't feel any healing until about 6 1/2 months and then I started getting a huge relief. Im going on 9 months off and have had probably a Total of 2 weeks of feeling almost 100% or even better than 100% at times. I know how hard it is but there is light ahead of you.

 

If you need to reinstate and go slower next time don't feel guilty. It may or may not work but I have seen people as far out as 8 months stabilize although it seems to take a decent dose and a few weeks to start getting relief. Hang in there you do have options and you will heal. The people that are having problems so far out have had relief, they are just tired of feeling symptoms years later and could have other problems in life that keep them depressed. Try not to believe that you are one of those people, we are all very different.

 

Peace ✌️

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Just a post form someone who is considered protracted...while I still have symptoms it is so much less and I am functional almost all of the time.  What I get now is some exhaustion, pains like you mentioned(but much less), and headaches.  Everything else is gone!  I had the whole gamut of symptoms and used benzos for a long time and like you drank to help when I didn't know why I was feeling like I was. What you are going through is the hardest part so just concentrate on making it through each hour and don't worry(easier said) about your future.  It does get better.
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[0c...]

Just a post form someone who is considered protracted...while I still have symptoms it is so much less and I am functional almost all of the time.  What I get now is some exhaustion, pains like you mentioned(but much less), and headaches.  Everything else is gone!  I had the whole gamut of symptoms and used benzos for a long time and like you drank to help when I didn't know why I was feeling like I was. What you are going through is the hardest part so just concentrate on making it through each hour and don't worry(easier said) about your future.  It does get better.

 

That's fantastic!

 

I had exhaustion and headaches before even taking benzos; in my case they were caused by stress and anxiety -- so no biggie there, when comparing it to wd.

 

If you don't mind me asking, why don't you declare yourself as healed? Those symptoms you described are pretty much nothing compared to the hardcore sensations newbies like me have to endure.

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Try to hang in there, thats all we can say and do during this withdrawal. I was using all sorts of benzos since 2011 intermittently, kindled and got up to 12mg or more Xanax a day. I could get Xanax in powder form for a very cheap price. I was also polydrugged with other GABAergic drugs (pregabalin, baclofen, phenibut, GHB and alcohol) at extreme doses on my benzo off days for many months. I quit that cold turkey and had a hellish psychotic time and I am almost 100% healed at 6+ months off. Only mental symtom is emotional numbness and physical symptoms are muscle vibration, spasm and visual snow. I had many scary symptoms during this ordeal. It does get better and it doesnt have to last years even if you kindled, used them for a couple of years, have been polydrugged, were using it in high dosages and quit cold turkey.
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I'm almost 9 months off and I wasn't feeling like I was ever going to dig out of this hole until I recently found the Ginko thread. It's probably not for everyone but I responded very well to Ginko. I finally feel like I'm going to be able to crawl out of this now. It's probably just a tool to allow me to make the necessary lifestyle changes to completely heal but the science behind the idea of using Ginko to allow for upregulation of Gaba is more than compelling. The way that I feel from it makes me want to go and shout it from the rooftops but I want to take a few months to see for sure if I'm really on the track that I think I'm on. With the Benzo beast you just never know for sure what's coming.
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Just a post form someone who is considered protracted...while I still have symptoms it is so much less and I am functional almost all of the time.  What I get now is some exhaustion, pains like you mentioned(but much less), and headaches.  Everything else is gone!  I had the whole gamut of symptoms and used benzos for a long time and like you drank to help when I didn't know why I was feeling like I was. What you are going through is the hardest part so just concentrate on making it through each hour and don't worry(easier said) about your future.  It does get better.

 

That's fantastic!

 

I had exhaustion and headaches before even taking benzos; in my case they were caused by stress and anxiety -- so no biggie there, when comparing it to wd.

 

If you don't mind me asking, why don't you declare yourself as healed? Those symptoms you described are pretty much nothing compared to the hardcore sensations newbies like me have to endure.

 

Well my exhaustion and headaches are still way worse than anything I had before this so I'm not even considering myself healed.

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even when i read some posts of people who are 4 years out and they still have the same symptoms , then i know this is forever and nothing will go away.

 

This statement logically makes no sense.  Suggest you read posts of people who are one year out and feel good if not great.  Then you'll believe that this is temporary and will go away.  There are many more success stories on this forum than failure stories.

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You are 5 months out, you are not yet able to think clearly!

Everything that is happening in your brain, even the suicide ideas, are from Withdrawal.

Thats the thing - you are not able to make any wise decision until you are out. Therefore its not wise to make big changes in life and to decide huge things. Killing yourself is a huge thing - so don't do it. Thats what I told myself.

And it worked out because now (8 months off) my depression is completely gone. I have been depressed for years under bnezos and very badly while tapering. I have had soo many symptoms, I could write 2 pages full with them, and now I have only left:

- tinitus

- exhaustment (but nothing in comparison with the situation how I felt under benzos and in my acute wd)

- sleeping issues - its not insomnia any more! Its getting better! And that was one symptom oh lord - I did not sleep for days!

 

Dont change the direction now! (the direction doesn't go to heaven buddy!)

Hang in, and read success stories instead of complaining topics, dude!

 

It! Gets! Better!!!!!

 

Marigold

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You are 5 months out, you are not yet able to think clearly!

Everything that is happening in your brain, even the suicide ideas, are from Withdrawal.

Thats the thing - you are not able to make any wise decision until you are out. Therefore its not wise to make big changes in life and to decide huge things. Killing yourself is a huge thing - so don't do it. Thats what I told myself.

And it worked out because now (8 months off) my depression is completely gone. I have been depressed for years under bnezos and very badly while tapering. I have had soo many symptoms, I could write 2 pages full with them, and now I have only left:

- tinitus

- exhaustment (but nothing in comparison with the situation how I felt under benzos and in my acute wd)

- sleeping issues - its not insomnia any more! Its getting better! And that was one symptom oh lord - I did not sleep for days!

 

Dont change the direction now! (the direction doesn't go to heaven buddy!)

Hang in, and read success stories instead of complaining topics, dude!

 

It! Gets! Better!!!!!

 

Marigold

 

Well said,  I haven't had it quite as good as you since I have had severe head pressure but it's lfting. I'm the same length of time out as you are and my depression has lifted as well and I was very depressed like you for years on Benzos and at least 6 months out as well. It definitely has taken everything I have but it's paying off slowly but surely!!

 

Take Care!!

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the mental thing i maybe can handle its the fysical issues like my back and hip muscles it hurts like hell and i just can't go on.

i can not fight anymore .....

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Hi Lodast,

 

I am 2 years and something off . Let me tell you that it gets better. I see myself i tend to write in here only when i have a burst of symptoms and i feel at worst. When i am in a wave a tend to forget how much better i am , when in wave i feel hopeless. But nontheless there is much of improvement, and i believe i am almost done with that healing process. Just another day, another push closer. It is not permanent you must know, it doesnt matter how bad you feel at the moment you will feel better in future. Listen to me, you are strong enough to go through this, there is life much better when the withdrawal ends. It is just a wave and it will all pass.

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[0c...]

Hi Lodast,

 

I am 2 years and something off . Let me tell you that it gets better. I see myself i tend to write in here only when i have a burst of symptoms and i feel at worst. When i am in a wave a tend to forget how much better i am , when in wave i feel hopeless. But nontheless there is much of improvement, and i believe i am almost done with that healing process. Just another day, another push closer. It is not permanent you must know, it doesnt matter how bad you feel at the moment you will feel better in future. Listen to me, you are strong enough to go through this, there is life much better when the withdrawal ends. It is just a wave and it will all pass.

 

I see you're one of those who had depersonalization and derealization as your underlying condition. Welcome to the club!

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i haven't had any window (like they call it) not one and i am 5 months out, constant muscle pain,inner tremor ,jelly legs,buzzing feet all the symptoms you can imagine....i know for shure my life is over for good ,i hate everything the doctors who described this poison,myself for taking such high doses and was drinking on the medication because i had no clue why the pills didn't work anymore...

i just have no meaning anymore in life ... if this is my life getting up with pain ,all day pain and then sleeping with pain  .....no thanks

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Hi Lodast,

 

I am sorry that you are going through so much.  I totally understand how you feel and I am sure that so many on Benzobuddies understand and feel your pain.  I just want to say that no matter how bad you are feeling now, it WILL get better. I promise. I am 5 months out and in acute period right now.  My acute began in month 4. I am experiencing all the bad symptoms every single day.  Every morning I would get this adrenaline surges/spasms with intrusive thoughts, body numbness, feelings of intense terrors, hand sweating, etc for 4-5 hours; someday I have these feelings through the entire day. But you know what? Even thought they as much as unpleasant they are, I never let them win. I am always hopeful and looking for my bright future. I have a lot of hopes and happiness even during this period because I am created on earth for a reason. Things happened to me for a reason, and I will come out of it stronger. If I can get through this and I am still trying hard, ANYONE can.

 

Please, do not do anything that harm yourself OK? I promise you that you will get better. I don't know when but I just know all of us on here will get better. I think each one of us has to go through this for a reason. One of the thing I learn is that I will be more compassionate and understand people more because I know how it feel to go through this.

 

You are special and a life on earth is just amazing, please stay strong and post on BB's, we are all in there together and will come out strong together.

 

Tracy

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hi there people i wish i could ever write a succes storie but i seriously doubt that....

im in so much pain and having so cold feet and hands at 5 months off it feels like im a dead person.

i once enjoyed life now its all black days nomore looking forward to things just every day the same:how would me life be ,if i never had taken this poison

 

(did anyone had cold hands and feet at 5 months off (real freezing i mean)?

 

 

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Lodast,

I had cold hands and feet at the beginning. It would rotate with sweating like crazy too. One extreme to the next for quite a few months...I'd say months 4-6. Now these symptoms just come back randomly and then disappear after a while.

 

My most annoying symptom now is nerve pain/prickling sensations all over my body. I have to keep moving to distract myself from the pain. It used to be every other day...now it's been every day lately. I'm not sure if it's just a bad wave or if it's from me quitting antihistamines. I want my sleep to regulate on it's own. Plus the antihistamines all of a sudden made me so drowsy/bad cog fog the next day. This shows my body is healing...before they didn't have this effect on me.

 

You have to have faith that your body will heal.  It won't heal quickly...it's slow. Look back on your symptoms and see if you notice some things are improving/going away. The fact that symptoms come and go shows that our brains are healing.

 

I also believe there is a reason that we have to experience this. I don't understand why God wants us to experience this...it makes me cry..which is so amazing because a few months ago...I couldn't cry. I'm happy to cry in pain. Sick, but true.

 

So here I am sitting here with annoying nerve pain and crying while watching a Hallmark Christmas movie. The anxiety is way less though!    Don't give up. We have to stick together and provide one another with support. You will heal....know this! Thank you for posting your question. Happy Thanksgiving!  :smitten:

Bhealthy

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I think we all want our lives back, but 4 to 5 months out is just peanuts....I think you better put your act together and deal with this. It's a very long, tough, and bumpy road....buckle up and bit the bullit !

I am 20 months out and still have exactly the same horrible symptoms...I really start wondering if they will ever go away...! One thing I learned is that 'soon' is a word you better never use....because miracles just don't happen !

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I think we all want our lives back, but 4 to 5 months out is just peanuts....I think you better put your act together and deal with this. It's a very long, tough, and bumpy road....buckle up and bit the bullit !

I am 20 months out and still have exactly the same horrible symptoms...I really start wondering if they will ever go away...! One thing I learned is that 'soon' is a word you better never use....because miracles just don't happen !

 

Thanks for such a positive post....not. Don't take your anger about your situation out on others.

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