You mean chocolate donuts are not good for you?

[[wa...]]

I'm writing as kind of a confessional and I wasn't sure where to even post this.  Maybe a blog is in order but I am not good at tending to a blog, I think.  And I don't have a therapist at the moment. There is someone I spoke with on the phone but I owe her money and, well, I think I have to use BB forum as my therapist.  It sure has been more helpful than anything or anyone else.  Except for chocolate donuts.

 

So less than 2 months off, I'm beginning to see where my habits as a person are now not serving the person that needs help.  I won't get too into this too much -  but I come from a family that left me emotionally scarred and very insecure.  I have run the gamut of ADs and Ativan.  Lunesta was the last.  So now, as a woman in her 50s in the midst of w/d, I have to take care of myself.

 

I was rather undisciplined before all this with a lot of self-doubt and self-sabotage.  I practice alot of fear-based emotional responses to the brain fogged/sleep deprived state that I know I must survive in spite of the fear I have that it may never end.  I know I am not alone in this.

 

Of course I am depressed and tired.  "Of course you deserve 6 of these chocolate donuts"  I think.  You can't drink, smoke, drug.  You feel like s**t.  More donuts.  I write because I want to begin taking care of myself.  I mean really want to.  I want to do my little p.t. excercises tired without complaint and quit chasing my beautiful organic veggies with sabotaging chocolate donuts (or other).  They are a kind of metaphor.  I practice self care and dash it with something or some behavior not good for me.  I rebel at self-discipline.  Why must I hate myself?  It's time.  Thanks  WBB

 

[[su...]]

Oh Dear Friend, I hear you loud and clear.  I have been punishing myself off and on for a year now in the same fashion.  I was very caring of my body and mind for a long time, and this last year I've been emotionally eating like nobody's business.  It's not an unusual problem here or in the world.  I know many "healthy" people who do the same thing, though many don't recognize it for what it is or seem to give a crap.

If I don't have something in the house, I don't go looking for it.  For me, this works.  I'm rarely tempted when I'm at work, and I don't seek out donuts or anything unless it's planned and purposeful.  It's not typically some spontaneous thing. 

It does us no good to beat ourselves up.  Know you are not alone. 

[[wa...]]

Thankyou, thankyou Sunday.  Hah- I put down my chips when I read your post.  All I needed was someone to say don't beat yourself up and I stopped.  What does that tell me?  I am full of fear.

 

This process is hell. It goes on for so long.  I've had so much fear so much of my life, to add this w/d experience is so depressing.  Haven't I endured enough?  On days I feel better, I come to face again with that worthlessness feeling that it is now my job to conquer.

 

I commend you for working.  I don't know how long you were on the clon but it can't be easy working while coming off of it.  WbB

[[su...]]

WBB,

I laughed, in a good way, when you said you put down the chips.  Good for you!  I am happy to be your eating buddy if you want.

I was on K for about 10 years when I started the taper.  Work is very hard, but it has been better for me to work than not through this. When things are really bad, I take a day.  I hope things just get better as I go down.  In some ways they have and in others, not so much.  Cheers to us!  And WBB?  If you're going to eat donuts, make sure they're really good ones . 

[[wa...]]

Ha - haven't had donuts lately but I do feel an uptick in craving carbs.  I got the organic seven grain chips thingys and felt I could go through the whole box.  I think the food is not making sense since I am feeling .0001% better these last two days.  We're going to a Greek restaurant tonight -- I normally would beg off but I'm up for it.  Only sad part is no booze.  Can't do that yet.  WBB

[[Ma...]]

I think its hard to take care about ourselves if thats a new thing. New things have to be done so very much times before they get normal..

Perhaps you can try to practice self-loving imagination exercises like we started  here?

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=169223.msg2257722#msg2257722

[[wa...]]

Yep, Marigold - already following your thread.  This evening I'm "acting as if"  I'm a healthy person who prefers healthy food. If I could just keep returning to "acting as if" as soon as the old record starts, I think that will help me.  WBB

[[Ma...]]

Yep, Marigold - already following your thread.  This evening I'm "acting as if"  I'm a healthy person who prefers healthy food. If I could just keep returning to "acting as if" as soon as the old record starts, I think that will help me.  WBB

 

 

:smitten:

 

Its hard not to eat or do the "bad stuff" as long as we don't know yet what we love and what really makes us happy. It has took me a long time to get to know myself AND the things I can give me to be happy. As you would tell a child: you have to try a lot of things to get this knowledge.

Be curious! Thats fun, - will be fun , soon!