Hopelessness

[[4G...]]

I am feeling hopeless. This started with depression six years ago and the drugs have made no difference. Keep thinking about the one sure way to get out of this. But I haven't got the courage to do it. Don't see anyone all day because of agoraphobia. Bf comes home and I feel guilty for dragging him down. The more I feel like this, the less I can cut. The less I cut, the longer it lasts. No future visible. I guess I am asking for support but my depression is already telling me that nobody can help. But yes, I am asking for advice. Thanks Buddies.

[[Bu...]]

I'm so sorry you are continuing to struggle with depression and that the drugs haven't made a difference.  Are any of your doctors helpful at all?  You have come so far on your taper and that is a big deal!  Seems like everyone has to cut at their own pace and you are getting there.  Many days I have to get through this hour by hour and even minute by minute.  I do everything to distract:  TV, radio, reading, sitting in the garden, walking my dog, meditating, anything to help take my mind off all this and help time pass.  I reread the success stories over and over, too for inspiration.

 

Dr. Kelly Brogan has a good website on depression and promotes a functional/non-medicine approach to helping heal it.  Her book, A Mind of Your Own-The Truth About Depression and How Women Can Heal Their Bodies to Reclaim Their Lives, is very good, too.

 

Keep fighting Gilly!  I repeat this quote to myself over and over on the really tough days:  "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have".  Sending you big hugs 

[[4G...]]

BurnedOut, thanks. I will pm you. Gilly x

[Guest [Le...]]

I am feeling hopeless. This started with depression six years ago and the drugs have made no difference. Keep thinking about the one sure way to get out of this. But I haven't got the courage to do it. Don't see anyone all day because of agoraphobia. Bf comes home and I feel guilty for dragging him down. The more I feel like this, the less I can cut. The less I cut, the longer it lasts. No future visible. I guess I am asking for support but my depression is already telling me that nobody can help. But yes, I am asking for advice. Thanks Buddies.

 

Hi Gilly,

 

I know I'm not telling you anything new, but Valium can cause horrific depression, as can quetiapine (which has 'suicidal ideation' as a common side effect), and if you had pre-existing depression, well that can just pile it on.

 

While I was still trying to taper off benzos, I had to switch back from Valium to Ativan because I could not handle the depression and suicidal ideation. I'm not suggesting that you switch at this stage of the game, but I'm hoping you will hold onto this thought so that you can get safely to the end of your taper and find some relief: It really can get better!

 

Once I stopped Valium the depression began to lift, and more so after I jumped. I've had bouts of depression intermittently since I jumped, but mostly due to circumstances that would depress anyone. On good days I'm not depressed at all.

 

You're getting so close to being free of benzos - please try to hang on to the hope of a much cheerier future, even though this may not seem possible just now.

  Leslie 

 

PS - I know you have been given links in the past, but in case you need to speak with someone, I'd urge you to do that:

 

  Suicide and Self-harm Resources

[[4G...]]

Thanks Leslie. The thing is, while I feel depressed, I can't cut and if I have a window and I cut then I go too far in the hope that I can hack as much as possible off my diazepam. I have learnt my lesson now -not to cut as much during a window. But it is interesting what you say because I keep blaming myself for not being able to get on top of my depression. And all the time I am taking chemicals which cause my problems. But I can't just stop cold turkey.

 

It is very difficult being in this no-win situation. I long to be off the whole lot of them.

 

I am due to start working with a new therapist soon. It is so hard to see other people having their lives and me not having one. Especially since this has been going on for six years.

 

At the present rate of withdrawal, I won't be off diazepam for another year. It makes me so desperate. I do believe you that the diazepam can cause depression, but how do I get through another year of this?  :'(

 

Thank you for writing and for caring.  Gilly x

[[Ma...]]

Hi Gilly,

 

I might sound hard to you but it is the truth: It is very good that drugs did not help you with your depression. Why? If they did, you would need more and more. Your body is intelligent and tells you, nope, this is not the solution.

Of course you know that suizide is not a solution, either, right?

Perhaps the solution to get rid of the depression is get rid of the drugs.

I was severely depressed. I took tons of pills. Nothing changed. Pills made it worth, but I did not knew it.

I stopped it, taper lasted 5 years in which I felt like pure hell. After 3 months off any med - depression was gone. It never came back so severe as it used to be.

 

What do I want to tell you?

I started to taper when I felt the most depressed way I ever felt. I had no one at my side but I decided that I wanted to have a good life, and I swore I wanted to fight to get that (because every single idiot on this planet seemed to get a better life than I had and this was so unfair that I did not want to kill me - that way I would not get a better life..).

 

You can do that, too. Learn strategies. Go to a therapist. Write here.

Do cuts no matter how you feel. Make a plan. Learn to deal with depression, analyze from 1-10 how bad it is, and for example if its a 1-7, go on with the cuts. As long as you are still taking drugs you can not feel better.

 

Make a decision. Then close your eyes and go through it. any thoughts like "how do I do this?" are not helpful. Stop thinking. Do it. Every moment - a decision. Even with suicidal ideas - you can decide - for this moment, and then again. But the goal is: get that taper done. slowly like a turtle, but yes, you can make it.

 

Today everyone tells me that they thought I was crazy and that I would die going this way. No one thought I would be strong enough to do that, I did not either, - but I did it.

 

And the best at the end: If you learn to cope with this depression that you have now in WD, after wd depression will not be a huge problem any more. I talked to a lot of buddies here and they all agreed with that.

 

So - this is a win-situation!! Go for it.

 

Marigold

 

PS: Perhaps you should try that how-to-learn-to-love-yourself text I wrote.. just look at my latest topics there you can find it

[[4G...]]

Thanks Marigold. It is very kind of you to write to me.

How do I get hold of your learning to love yourself post?

 

I very much appreciate your care and support. Hugs. Gilly xxx

 

[[Ma...]]

you are welcome - you can search in my old posts and you will see that 5 months ago I posted a lot in this forum about depression and other buddies told me the same things I tell you right now...

 

Here is the link to that topic in which I wrote how to learn to love myself:

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=169223.msg2257722#msg2257722

 

And if you want to read more from me or another buddy, just

- klick on my name

- then on the left side on "show posts", the newest are on top and you can klick until the former posts are shown