confused about the reason for my depression

[Guest [vi...]]

ok, i need help.

 

i quit alcohol in 2012 but relapsed. 2 months ago i got diagnosed with early cirrhosis of the liver (by accident) and haven't drunk since. i was fine for 2 months but last week have sunk into depression hell.

 

a part of me says to taper benzo. a part of me says to try an AD. another part says wait, for it might be only post acute alcohol withdrawal and might pass.

 

the cirrhosis diagnosis is scary but not that much because with continued abstinence the liver will recover or stay where it is (i have no symptoms).

 

mental health is more important for me!

 

what would you suggest?

 

[[fe...]]

I'd probably wait awhile before tapering the benzo. Especially if mental health comes first..

[Guest [vi...]]

i feel like i did a c/t! only the physical sxs are not there but deep depression, no appetite, cold hands and feet, sinking stomach. i don't know what is wrong with me. i'm afraid i am dying.

[Guest [Le...]]

i feel like i did a c/t! only the physical sxs are not there but deep depression, no appetite, cold hands and feet, sinking stomach. i don't know what is wrong with me. i'm afraid i am dying.

 

Don't worry Vineet, you are not dying, although I know it may feel that way.

 

As a veteran of alcohol and benzo withdrawal, I can assure you that depression is part of the package, but should ease up in time, especially once you are able to complete a withdrawal from the benzo.

 

Even though you don't feel like eating, it might be good to try to eat a few very small meals a day, and drink plenty of water, the more the better. It's a hard battle, but one worth winning, and you will get plenty of support from your buddies here!

 

[Guest [vi...]]

i feel like i did a c/t! only the physical sxs are not there but deep depression, no appetite, cold hands and feet, sinking stomach. i don't know what is wrong with me. i'm afraid i am dying.

 

Don't worry Vineet, you are not dying, although I know it may feel that way.

 

As a veteran of alcohol and benzo withdrawal, I can assure you that depression is part of the package, but should ease up in time, especially once you are able to complete a withdrawal from the benzo.

 

Even though you don't feel like eating, it might be good to try to eat a few very small meals a day, and drink plenty of water, the more the better. It's a hard battle, but one worth winning, and you will get plenty of support from your buddies here!

 

 

thank you for these comforting words and advice! a quick question -- will my depression (i'm assuming 'cos of alcohol withdrawal?) relent and then i can start a benzo taper or it won't till i finish taper? just your feeling/opinion through personal experience though we know no one can predict.

[Guest [Le...]]

i feel like i did a c/t! only the physical sxs are not there but deep depression, no appetite, cold hands and feet, sinking stomach. i don't know what is wrong with me. i'm afraid i am dying.

 

Don't worry Vineet, you are not dying, although I know it may feel that way.

 

As a veteran of alcohol and benzo withdrawal, I can assure you that depression is part of the package, but should ease up in time, especially once you are able to complete a withdrawal from the benzo.

 

Even though you don't feel like eating, it might be good to try to eat a few very small meals a day, and drink plenty of water, the more the better. It's a hard battle, but one worth winning, and you will get plenty of support from your buddies here!

 

 

thank you for these comforting words and advice! a quick question -- will my depression (i'm assuming 'cos of alcohol withdrawal?) relent and then i can start a benzo taper or it won't till i finish taper? just your feeling/opinion through personal experience though we know no one can predict.

 

It's hard to say - my depression immediately lifted within a few days of jumping. Then it returned two months later, but I think it's because of the same job stress that got me on benzos in the first place.

 

I can definitely say that for me the benzos had begun to severely cause depression, and getting off them when I did was the right move. Eating well will really make a difference though - promise me you will try?

 

I hope you'll feel a little better soon, vineet2 - and well done giving up alcohol, not an easy thing to do! 

[Guest [vi...]]

i feel like i did a c/t! only the physical sxs are not there but deep depression, no appetite, cold hands and feet, sinking stomach. i don't know what is wrong with me. i'm afraid i am dying.

 

Don't worry Vineet, you are not dying, although I know it may feel that way.

 

As a veteran of alcohol and benzo withdrawal, I can assure you that depression is part of the package, but should ease up in time, especially once you are able to complete a withdrawal from the benzo.

 

Even though you don't feel like eating, it might be good to try to eat a few very small meals a day, and drink plenty of water, the more the better. It's a hard battle, but one worth winning, and you will get plenty of support from your buddies here!

 

 

thank you for these comforting words and advice! a quick question -- will my depression (i'm assuming 'cos of alcohol withdrawal?) relent and then i can start a benzo taper or it won't till i finish taper? just your feeling/opinion through personal experience though we know no one can predict.

 

Eating well will really make a difference though - promise me you will try?

 

i will ma'am. :-)

 

thank you for the reply. it gives me HOPE and i now go to bed with optimism.

[Guest [Le...]]

Great, hope is what we all need to get through this!   

[Guest [vi...]]

i feel like i did a c/t! only the physical sxs are not there but deep depression, no appetite, cold hands and feet, sinking stomach. i don't know what is wrong with me. i'm afraid i am dying.

 

Don't worry Vineet, you are not dying, although I know it may feel that way.

 

my angel leslie, after you made that post i felt cheerful. moments later, my older son (22) crawled up to me and suggested that perhaps acamprosate (the medication i was taking to overcome alcohol PAWS) might be contributing to my sucidal depression. despite being google savvy, i had no idea of this possibility and as my son showed, it *was* an uncommon side effect of the medication. i stopped it immediately. god has rescused me from the jaws of death on many many occasions through acts of his angels. this time it was YOU. sure enough, i started to feel better the next day and for the last four days i am not depressed. you know, tea tastes like aphrodasia again; colours are more bright; i cry when i see a flowering tree; i have regained faith in god; music moves me beyond tears now and i am grateful for the smallest things and i feel born again and stress doesn't bug me anymore and i have my appetite back. i weep as i type this. i put a lot of emphasis leslie in typing the last two sentences because these are things we hear from people who have survived a benzo withdrawal. not to slight their struggle but they are mistaken. they have not been born again, nor are the colours any brighter -- it is just that the ordeal makes them express their joy in exagerrated terms so people who have not been through the ordeal can get a glimpse of the gratidude they feel at having been restored to normalcy (after an excruciatingly long journey of relentless suffering). we never stop seeing vibrant colours or appreciating beauty, naure, music, ART and a benzo does not dull it or nor does a succesful withdrawal accentuate it. it's only the immense relief we feel at having been unshackled that makes us write so. some people may not like the sentiments i just expressed but i like to call a spade a spade.

 

i am listening to music again after a month and today is my birthday. to you -

(zindagi - life)

 

 

please pray my angel that depression does not return.

 

As a veteran of alcohol and benzo withdrawal, I can assure you that depression is part of the package, but should ease up in time, especially once you are able to complete a withdrawal from the benzo.

 

this time around i will taper! i must! i have prevaricated long enough! although 16 years of benzo has done me no harm (no, no, no cognitive impairment, no unable to appreciate vibrant colours, dulling of senses, panic attacks, tolerance, relative tolerance, relative relative tolerance, withdrawal relative tolerance relative -- and all various concatenations of it -- or any side effect) i know i am living on a razor's edge. from reading members's experience here, there is no guarantee for when my benzo might stop working!

 

there is a possibility that i might slip back into depression tomorrow (which will mean that it is definitely the benzo doing it -- by the way, it was the benzo that was making acamprosate NOT work on me). but, i am ready for it now -- not afraid and not suicidal at the prospect as i was a few days ago. i will try an ssri to get normal again and then taper. if no ssri works then be it! i will still taper and overcome the ordeal for i must live for the sake of my family and ME!

 

mercy to all god!

[Guest [Le...]]

i feel like i did a c/t! only the physical sxs are not there but deep depression, no appetite, cold hands and feet, sinking stomach. i don't know what is wrong with me. i'm afraid i am dying.

 

Don't worry Vineet, you are not dying, although I know it may feel that way.

 

my angel leslie, after you made that post i felt cheerful. moments later, my older son (22) crawled up to me and suggested that perhaps acamprosate (the medication i was taking to overcome alcohol PAWS) might be contributing to my sucidal depression. i stopped it immediately. god has rescused me from the jaws of death on many many occasions through acts of his angels. this time it was YOU. sure enough, i started to feel better the next day and for the last four days i am not depressed. you know, tea tastes like aphrodasia again; colours are more bright; i cry when i see a flowering tree; i have regained faith in god; music moves me beyond tears now and i am grateful for the smallest things and i feel born again and stress doesn't bug me anymore and i have my appetite back. i weep as i type this. i put a lot of emphasis leslie in typing the last two sentences because these are things we hear from people who have survived a benzo withdrawal. not to slight their struggle but they are mistaken. they have not been born again, nor are the colours any brighter -- it is just that the ordeal makes them express their joy in exagerrated terms so people who have not been through the ordeal can get a glimpse of the gratidude they feel at having been restored to normalcy. we never stop seeing vibrant colours or appreciating beauty, naure, music, ART and a benzo does not dull it or nor does a succesful withdrawal accentuate it. it's only the immense relief wee feel at having been unshackled that makes us write so. some people may not like the sentiments i just expressed but i like to call a spade a spade.

 

i am listening to music again after a month and today is my birthday. to you -

(zindagi - life)

 

 

please pray my angel that depression does not return.

 

As a veteran of alcohol and benzo withdrawal, I can assure you that depression is part of the package, but should ease up in time, especially once you are able to complete a withdrawal from the benzo.

 

this time around i will taper! i must! i have prevaricated long enough! although 16 years of benzo has done me no harm (no, no, no cognitive impairment, no unable to appreciate vibrant colours, dulling of senses, panic attacks, tolerance, relative tolerance, relative relative tolerance, withdrawal relative tolerance relative -- and all various concatenations of it -- or any side effect) i know i am living on a razor's edge. from reading members's experience here, there is no guarantee for when my benzo might stop working!

 

there is a possibility that i might slip back into depression tomorrow (which will mean that it is definitely the benzo doing it -- by the way, it was the benzo that was making acamprosate NOT work on me). but, i am ready for it now -- not afraid and not suicidal at the prospect as i was a few days ago. i will try an ssri to get normal again and then taper. if no ssri works then be it! i will still taper and overcome the ordeal for i must live for the sake of my family and ME!

 

mercy to all god!

 

Aww, dear Vineet, thank you for your kind words, and Happy Birthday!

 

I'm so glad that you are having such relief - and what a blessing that your son came forward with the thought that the medication might be the problem. I am saving this page because of the beautiful way in which you expressed your experience.

 

Thank you for the link to the lovely song - even though I don't understand the words, I can feel the love in the music, which is helping lift my own dark feelings. I promise you that I will pray that your depression does not return.

 

I'm so happy that you feel renewed in your vow to taper off the benzos - it's great that tonight you have a glimpse of what life can be without them!

Prayers of hope and healing for you and your family! 

[Guest [vi...]]

i feel like i did a c/t! only the physical sxs are not there but deep depression, no appetite, cold hands and feet, sinking stomach. i don't know what is wrong with me. i'm afraid i am dying.

 

Don't worry Vineet, you are not dying, although I know it may feel that way.

 

my angel leslie, after you made that post i felt cheerful. moments later, my older son (22) crawled up to me and suggested that perhaps acamprosate (the medication i was taking to overcome alcohol PAWS) might be contributing to my sucidal depression. i stopped it immediately. god has rescused me from the jaws of death on many many occasions through acts of his angels. this time it was YOU. sure enough, i started to feel better the next day and for the last four days i am not depressed. you know, tea tastes like aphrodasia again; colours are more bright; i cry when i see a flowering tree; i have regained faith in god; music moves me beyond tears now and i am grateful for the smallest things and i feel born again and stress doesn't bug me anymore and i have my appetite back. i weep as i type this. i put a lot of emphasis leslie in typing the last two sentences because these are things we hear from people who have survived a benzo withdrawal. not to slight their struggle but they are mistaken. they have not been born again, nor are the colours any brighter -- it is just that the ordeal makes them express their joy in exagerrated terms so people who have not been through the ordeal can get a glimpse of the gratidude they feel at having been restored to normalcy. we never stop seeing vibrant colours or appreciating beauty, naure, music, ART and a benzo does not dull it or nor does a succesful withdrawal accentuate it. it's only the immense relief wee feel at having been unshackled that makes us write so. some people may not like the sentiments i just expressed but i like to call a spade a spade.

 

i am listening to music again after a month and today is my birthday. to you -

(zindagi - life)

 

 

please pray my angel that depression does not return.

 

As a veteran of alcohol and benzo withdrawal, I can assure you that depression is part of the package, but should ease up in time, especially once you are able to complete a withdrawal from the benzo.

 

this time around i will taper! i must! i have prevaricated long enough! although 16 years of benzo has done me no harm (no, no, no cognitive impairment, no unable to appreciate vibrant colours, dulling of senses, panic attacks, tolerance, relative tolerance, relative relative tolerance, withdrawal relative tolerance relative -- and all various concatenations of it -- or any side effect) i know i am living on a razor's edge. from reading members's experience here, there is no guarantee for when my benzo might stop working!

 

there is a possibility that i might slip back into depression tomorrow (which will mean that it is definitely the benzo doing it -- by the way, it was the benzo that was making acamprosate NOT work on me). but, i am ready for it now -- not afraid and not suicidal at the prospect as i was a few days ago. i will try an ssri to get normal again and then taper. if no ssri works then be it! i will still taper and overcome the ordeal for i must live for the sake of my family and ME!

 

mercy to all god!

 

Aww, dear Vineet, thank you for your kind words, and Happy Birthday!

 

I'm so glad that you are having such relief - and what a blessing that your son came forward with the thought that the medication might be the problem. I am saving this page because of the beautiful way in which you expressed your experience.

 

Thank you for the link to the lovely song - even though I don't understand the words, I can feel the love in the music, which is helping lift my own dark feelings. I promise you that I will pray that your depression does not return.

 

I'm so happy that you feel renewed in your vow to taper off the benzos - it's great that tonight you have a glimpse of what life can be without them!

Prayers of hope and healing for you and your family! 

 

although it was my son that came up with the idea, it was your post, your gesture, that set the ball rolling (my subjective, personal take). YES i will live up to the promise of tapering -- already trying to source 5 mg chlordiazepoxide pills; there is one, only one, company in india, in delhi, that manufactures it.

 

i love you leslie! god bless you.