awake and upset

[[te...]]

Well, after several nights in a row of broken sleep.. 2 good nights, 2 okay nights, now I am going on another night of likely 0 sleep. And tonight I am so upset. I am sitting here in tears. I don't know what the hell is going on, I was calm all day and told myself it would be okay if I didn't sleep, that I would have a backup plan. Now I feel hopeless, and having awful thoughts like "what if my husband divorces me over this." I feel like it is NOT me at all! We had another issue going on too, some kind of weird repetitive noise coming from our upstairs neighbors. It kind of sounds like a snore, or a machine, but it periodically happens every few minutes and vibrates our ceiling. That was part of what put me over the edge. I tried laying in bed. We tried listening to nature sounds (we being me and my husband). Then, I came out to the living room and laid on the floor and listened to three different meditations/sleep hypnosis videos on youtube. I sorta got tired when listening to one, and then I was cold and I just wanted to be back in bed.. but then the damn noise was happening again and I couldn't take it. Then I started having the sad, horrible thoughts and was crying in bed, I didn't want to wake up my husband so I got up and came out here and SOBBED. Like full blown sobbing, I haven't done this in ages.

 

Is this withdrawal? Yes I was only on those benzos for a week, and it's been almost 2 weeks off (2 weeks off tomorrow, yay!) or could this be the friggin zoloft my doctor put me on?? I've also been on the zoloft for just over 2 weeks. shouldn't it be getting better, not worse??

 

I have given up on sleeping tonight. Eff it. Tomorrow is my busiest day, too, but I'm going to try and nap between the classes I teach. I want to call my doctor but I also don't... I don't think anything is going to help at this point. He's either going to just prescribe me another sleep aid, tell me to take more trazodone (which I hate taking and the way it makes me feel), or lower my zoloft or tell me to stick it out. And he makes me feel like a crazy idiot every time I go see him, it's just not a positive experience. Tomorrow I'm allowing myself to try benedryl, it's been over a week since I used it. Ugh.

[[Ch...]]

Insomnia has been known to be a side effect of anti-depressants taking and stopping, same with Benzo's..  That side effect is said to go away, but I am not convinced.  If your Dr AND YOU think anti-depressants are in your best interests try to wait it out.  I was on both (+) Benzo's and anti-depressants for a very long time and wish I had never started.

Good luck,

[[te...]]

Thank you Choco. I don't know what to do. I feel like I would rather be anxious all the time at this point than have insomnia and depression. But I don't know if it's a passing thing or if it's my body chemistry. I wish there was a magic decision making button that would tell me what to do!

[[Ch...]]

I totally get it!  Of worth to know...long term use of AD's (antidepressants) CAUSE rebound depression and anxiety...so if you are an anxious person like me, perhaps now is the time to learn new coping skills through CBT, MBT, etc.  After all these years on AD's, now that I am 8 weeks out from them and 10 weeks out from stopping Benzo's, I am NOT depressed!!! Anxious, yes, but learning to adjust. Sleep deprived, too, but when I give my life an honest evaluation I have been having sleep problems for over 55 years...which probably lead me to the easy fix of Xanax and other Benzo's.

Best wishes...

[[te...]]

Thanks so much!! Yes, I have an excellent toolbox of all those coping skills. Believe it or not, I am a therapist and a professional in the field! I practice mindfulness (I should more often!) and go to acupuncture, therapy, etc. I definitely do not want to "stay" on this thing long-term. I wish I had never re-started, to be honest. I got so desperate.

 

I'm just feeling so lost right now with the insomnia. It's making everything harder to bear. When I get enough sleep, I feel okay, but the bad nights stand out and scare me enough. Today I canceled my work for the day, meaning I canceled classes. I teach. I haven't ever done this except last year when I was on crutches for an unexpected injury. I feel so guilty but I cannot get through the day on 1.5 hours of sleep. I know many folks on here have had to and had no choice, but I know myself and I'm going to be ragged and not be able to function at all. Also, I have a busier day tomorrow than usual so I'm trying to rest while I can, even though I feel awful about not going to work. It's a catch 22! I guess the "positive" is I know my body did eventually cave and give me sleep, but it was so late in the evening. Debating on calling my doctor. I really don't want to deal with him and feel ashamed about all this, I hate going in so often and asking for help...help that doesn't really work.

[[te...]]

Update: I am so friggin' drowsy! Since my last post, I called out of work, ate a little something, and took my dog out. And as expected, I was able to nap... and even in my own bed! Not on the couch. I laid down between 8:00-8:30, fell asleep til almost 10 (looked at clock) then went back to sleep off and on between 10:30 and finally got up around 11. But I want to sleep some more! I just don't want to throw off the rhythm even more when I try to sleep tonight, but I also want to give my body what it wants/needs.

 

Maybe I need to take my zoloft at night instead of in the morning? Hmm.

[[Ia...]]

Congrats on the nap!!! I could really use that!

[[te...]]

Thanks, Iamsickofthis! (I wanted to call you something else... I am sick of this, too! LOL). I actually slept even more after that post. Jeez. Now I'm worried I won't be able to sleep tonight again! At least I know my brain is still working and my body knows how to sleep naturally, without something forcing it to. There is something about nighttime that throws everything off for me, in that I can't settle down when I normally would and go to sleep. Eventually, I do, but it's variable about when it will happen. I'm hoping that any sleep at all will help the healing process and help address the cortisol stuff so that eventually I can get back to normal.

[[Ia...]]

as of now I have to take something to sleep since my brain shoots off weird signals everytime I am about to fall asleep that wakes me up.... so I am stuck taking something... but my insomnia is rather new.

[[te...]]

This insomnia is the worst! It's making everything else I feel way worse, and making me feel hopeless. I know it isn't forever but I can't remember the last time I felt this terrible about life. I think the Zoloft is making me worse, too. Going to my doctor tomorrow

[[Ia...]]

Yeah it sounds like the Zoloft is making it worse.  Who knows though, it's one of those situations that you didn't have a chance to really tell why a symptom is from what.

 

Dan-

[[te...]]

exactly! it's like what came first, the chicken or the egg. I can't tell if my up and downs are from benzo withdrawal, zoloft side effects, both, neither, something else, etc.. so frustrating. At least I know my body knows how to sleep, because it still does it sometimes, but the pattern is way off. I know I've only been on the zoloft for 2 weeks, and it takes time, but I don't know if things should be progressively worsening like this. Will see what the doctor says. I guess the worst that can happen is he will either make me stick it out, lower the dose, or try something else for sleep. At the most I'm giving it is a month, I'm telling myself this. If I see no improvement in a month, then I need to go off this because I will know it's definitely not working!

[[te...]]

Update, took 1/2 a trazodone (25mg) last night and got to sleep. It still took 2 hours for it to work, so again, not sure how much it did anything...and I was all worked up after taking it trying to figure out what the annoying noise was that kept us up monday night. I even knocked on 3 neighbors' doors to ask if they were running a machine or appliance  fortunately they were all gracious and sweet, one lady has insomnia too and she took my visit as an opportunity to complain about other neighbors making noise, I also think she was high/drunk, but she was nice to me so it was an overall pleasant experience, very amusing. anyway, we figured out the noise was our freaking fan vibrating the shelves!!!! my husband didn't figure this out until 4am though. so we both slept on our pulled out couch in the living room, we put on the tv to try and block out the noise to some oldies music station, at some point i got up and turned it off and then fell asleep. slept a broken 6ish hours again, but sleeping from 11:30-3:30 was a pretty good chunk. ended up climbing back into the real bed at 5:30 for the last hour of sleep, when my husband informed me the fan was the culprit. hoping this helps! going to dr today to talk about the zoloft situation, and hopeful he will be sympathetic and we can come up with a backup plan to change things or stop it if I don't see marked improvements soon. i am willing to give it another week or so, but i really need my sleep to be better and to not feel depressed randomly!

[[me...]]

Update, took 1/2 a trazodone (25mg) last night and got to sleep. It still took 2 hours for it to work, so again, not sure how much it did anything...and I was all worked up after taking it trying to figure out what the annoying noise was that kept us up monday night. I even knocked on 3 neighbors' doors to ask if they were running a machine or appliance  fortunately they were all gracious and sweet, one lady has insomnia too and she took my visit as an opportunity to complain about other neighbors making noise, I also think she was high/drunk, but she was nice to me so it was an overall pleasant experience, very amusing. anyway, we figured out the noise was our freaking fan vibrating the shelves!!!! my husband didn't figure this out until 4am though. so we both slept on our pulled out couch in the living room, we put on the tv to try and block out the noise to some oldies music station, at some point i got up and turned it off and then fell asleep. slept a broken 6ish hours again, but sleeping from 11:30-3:30 was a pretty good chunk. ended up climbing back into the real bed at 5:30 for the last hour of sleep, when my husband informed me the fan was the culprit. hoping this helps! going to dr today to talk about the zoloft situation, and hopeful he will be sympathetic and we can come up with a backup plan to change things or stop it if I don't see marked improvements soon. i am willing to give it another week or so, but i really need my sleep to be better and to not feel depressed randomly!

Teal--that's pretty funny about the fan! (hope you can laugh about it a bit!) amazing how those little things can put us right over the edge....I wear silicone ear plugs all night.

 

I've had a really strange pattern the last couple of nights. I fall asleep fairly quickly, get about 3-4 hours. I feel quite rested after the first chunk and think I slept the night through, then realize it is only 1 or 2 in the morning--bummer!. Wide awake, read for a few hours. Then I fall back asleep at about 5 AM and get three more chunks of pretty good sleep, with wake ups between. Altogether I can't complain too much as it feels like enough.

 

It's so strange how our bodies are portioning out the sleep. I try to just sit back and observe, not get upset or concerned about it. Kind of like watching a science experiment.

[[te...]]

Update, took 1/2 a trazodone (25mg) last night and got to sleep. It still took 2 hours for it to work, so again, not sure how much it did anything...and I was all worked up after taking it trying to figure out what the annoying noise was that kept us up monday night. I even knocked on 3 neighbors' doors to ask if they were running a machine or appliance  fortunately they were all gracious and sweet, one lady has insomnia too and she took my visit as an opportunity to complain about other neighbors making noise, I also think she was high/drunk, but she was nice to me so it was an overall pleasant experience, very amusing. anyway, we figured out the noise was our freaking fan vibrating the shelves!!!! my husband didn't figure this out until 4am though. so we both slept on our pulled out couch in the living room, we put on the tv to try and block out the noise to some oldies music station, at some point i got up and turned it off and then fell asleep. slept a broken 6ish hours again, but sleeping from 11:30-3:30 was a pretty good chunk. ended up climbing back into the real bed at 5:30 for the last hour of sleep, when my husband informed me the fan was the culprit. hoping this helps! going to dr today to talk about the zoloft situation, and hopeful he will be sympathetic and we can come up with a backup plan to change things or stop it if I don't see marked improvements soon. i am willing to give it another week or so, but i really need my sleep to be better and to not feel depressed randomly!

Teal--that's pretty funny about the fan! (hope you can laugh about it a bit!) amazing how those little things can put us right over the edge....I wear silicone ear plugs all night.

 

I've had a really strange pattern the last couple of nights. I fall asleep fairly quickly, get about 3-4 hours. I feel quite rested after the first chunk and think I slept the night through, then realize it is only 1 or 2 in the morning--bummer!. Wide awake, read for a few hours. Then I fall back asleep at about 5 AM and get three more chunks of pretty good sleep, with wake ups between. Altogether I can't complain too much as it feels like enough.

 

It's so strange how our bodies are portioning out the sleep. I try to just sit back and observe, not get upset or concerned about it. Kind of like watching a science experiment.

 

Meowie, I can really relate to that! I definitely have noticed this pattern of broken sleep, where I get a few hours, wake up, go back to sleep, get a few more. At first it would be like 1.5 hours, maybe 2, now it's extending into 3ish. When I wake up, I definitely am "awake" but can go back to sleep if I stay relaxed, which is nice. I am trying not to check my phone clock when this happens because maybe eventually I'll train myself to barely notice the wake ups. Last night, I took unisom for the first time. I know it's basically benedryl, but I wanted to see what happened. What happened was about 40 minutes after taking it, I drifted off and woke up startled, confused, asking my husband what day it was (LOL) got up to pee, laid back down and was out pretty quickly, and slept pretty well, I think I woke up briefly at some point when my husband got up, but I didn't fully wake up and check anything. When I actually woke up and was awake for the morning, it was 5:58am. I was pretty surprised. The other funny thing that happened is my husband and I just realized sometime during the night, our cats knocked down a huge box that was on top of a chess board. The box and chessboard were high up and must have flipped over our sofa. Neither one of us woke up or noticed this! He took benedryl too. SO crazy we didn't hear it!!!! It's been an amusing week, that's for sure. I'm trying to keep my sense of humor about all these experiences.