A Returning BenzoBuddie with Words of Encouragement

[[Ev...]]

I miss that refreshing sleep…thanks for this success story. 

[[ap...]]

On 13/01/2016 at 05:37, [[R...] said:

Hello BenzoBuddies,

      It has been I believe two or three years since I paid a visit.  I just wanted to return to update the BenzoBuddies on my progress.  I realize that most of you will not know me, but I thought that I would give a few words of encouragement for those who are pulling the tow, so to speak, and are like faithful warriors on the battlefield holding the line.  I am five years benzo free.  My accidental drug of choice was prescribed by my personal care physician when I went to him with panic attacks that were related to perimenopause.  I was on klonopin for 10 years (1.0mg daily).  I tapered over a 4 months period.  I’m recounting bits and pieces of my story because as I said, it’s been a while since I’ve visited Benzobuddies. 

      My worst symptoms while tapering and during recovery were insomnia, by far the worse, and tinnitus, and numbness and tingling.  Before I write any further, let me just say that I am totally healed.  I haven't had a panic attack in 6 years, and I never think about them.  My last panic attack occurred a week after I jumped.  I had three panic attacks in succession one night.  I had no klonopin (because I flushed them down the toilet) and I was determined that I was never going to have another.  I spoke out loud to myself and said enough!  That night, the panic attacks left forever.  I don’t entertain and claim them anymore.

      I never believed that I was doomed to have ringing in my ears for the rest of my life, even after the doctor said, “Learn to live with it.”  When I am challenged, then I fight tooth and nail to find a solution for what is ailing my mind and body.  Granted the tinnitus was a horrible symptom because it made my insomnia 100 times worse, but I’m very happy to report that my tinnitus is gone.  I learned to live with it for three years post-jumping, and one day I woke up and noticed that it wasn’t there anymore.

      The numbness and tingling was more annoying than anything, and it would come and go over a 2-3 year period; ultimately that faded too. 

      Again, by far, my worse symptom was the insomnia.  Quite honestly, if I had a klonopin stash hidden anywhere in my house while in recovery I probably would be on klonopin to this day.  The insomnia was grueling.  I know that this is a horrific cross to bear!  Days, upon weeks, upon months of interrupted, startled sleep, and toxic sleep plagued me.  I never thought that it would end.  Having to work a 9-5 job made it more grueling.  Often times I went to work looking and feeling like one of the walking dead.  It took nearly a year for a sleeping pattern to return where I could function beyond dragging myself out of bed to go to work and to take care of my family.  I could now go back to working out a couple of days a week and interacting with friends and family again on a human level.  Quite honestly, it would take about another 12 months for my sleep to become what I would call quality for me; meaning about 6 hours a night (that was a blessing).  At 5 years post I sleep quite well.    Trust me, quality and refreshing sleep will return.

    If you are feeling in despair and feel that there will be no end to your suffering, you are wrong.  You cannot give up.  What you are going through is tough, but temporary.  These very words that I am telling you, others on this very forum spoke to me, and they were absolutely right.  What you are going through is necessary so that when you reach the other side, you will enjoy healing; that is your reward.  But an even greater reward will be wisdom.  I’ve learned that I cannot rely on a medical professional or anyone else to take charge of my health.  I’ve learned that being passive and uninformed about my health is a dangerous recipe.  I am my best advocate for my health; I am the maestro and the physician is just one of the musicians in the orchestra.

        I know that you are hurting and suffering, but forging ahead and going through this awkward period in your life will not compare to the beauty of healing that you will experience on the other side.  Healing may come in increments and may not be constant at first, but one day you will wake up and notice that you feel absolutely fantastic; that window will be forever open if you take care of you,  and those multitude of symptoms that plagued your mind and body will be a bitter sweet memory. 

      I don’t know if any of the old Benzobuddies are around when I was on the forum between 2009-2013, but I say hello to you and thank you for being there for others who need your support.  Thank you to Colin for his vision of Benzobuddies, and a special THANK YOU to PAM (if she’s still there, and she knows who she is) for being my guardian angel during my great travail, which is now my greater triumph.  Ya’ll are in my prayers.  Stay the course and God Bless.  Retire 2010.

Thank you so much for your story. It is always so good to know we get through