18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[so...]]

Serenity,

 

So sorry you're being hit like this.  I have spent the past 3 weeks in a tsunami of mega proportion.  It is scary and I'm always thinking I will never heal.  It's just not true.  Everyone heals.  Everyone.

 

You will emerge from this spell with a raised baseline.  Count on it.  A raised baseline is almost always preceded by a wave of epic strength symptoms.

 

Hugs to you during the rough seas.

 

Love, Sofa

[[No...]]

SerenityNow ... ahhh, the old phantom smells ... I used to smell chocolate everywhere ... and I would catch myself getting up and looking for it ... never did find it ... 

 

For me ... I was on the drug in my late forties, all through my fifties, and into my sixties ... so, I have to say I cannot "go back" to where I was ... I have grown older during this process ...

 

And ... the "continuity" I experience ... right from birth ... is still there ... oftentimes hidden during this process ... so I can say I am re-connected with my "life thread" ...

 

I believe my path is always present ... my issue is often recognizing it, especially during this process ... and for me, here is the funky part ... my path is not pre-determined ... rather, it blooms into existence with each step I take ...

 

Perhaps I could "go back" ... I do not know if that is possible ... besides, I am "here" ... my curiosity is mostly directed forward ... so that seems to be my "direction" for now ... this "arrow of time" stuff is interesting to ponder once in a while ... and it does not hold my attention for long usually ...

[[Si...]]

Hi, all.  I'm beaten down, depressed and exhausted.  In a huge wave.  Last month, I thought I was finally beginning to make some decent progress.  Now things feel very bad.  Tinnitus just screaming, migraine all day (first time in w/d I've battled with a migraine), hurts to move my light-sensitive eyes, things smell/taste weird, fatigue, lethargy, anxiety, hopelessness.  Anger.  So much anger.  This is really awful.  This is not "me".

 

The obsessive thinking... it's really bad.  I keep crying and wanting to torture the doctors who did this to me.  I just cannot get over what's been done to me (to us) in the name of "medicine".  I just can't.  How can I forgive?

 

And so, there it is.  My life is still on hold while I wait for more healing.  It feels, though, that this is all there is to look forward to.  More of the same.  Endless mental and physical torture.

 

I guess I'm just wanting somebody to tell me that things might finally be ok some day... before I die, that is.  :'(

 

I haven't read any posts to catch up.  I hope others are faring a bit better than I right now.

 

Serenity I could have written this post. Seems we bought the wrong boat ticket. Can we get a refund and get on the right boat. I can't tell you how many dreams I've had about kidnapping a doctor and forcing this crsp on them for a month. Hopefully this terrible wave is the last hurrah.

[[Co...]]

Did someone mention Euchre? ... 

 

Mrs ... sometimes when I listen, I am able to hear ...

 

We get tired ... and when I am so, I need, more than anything, to just be tired ...

 

I believe our healing goes on, every day, whether or not I am aware of it ... whether or not I am engaged with it ... whether or not I am passive for a while ...

 

There is the image of my having been transported deep into a wilderness, not aware of how I got there, and the only way home is to walk beside the stream that is flowing ... and the stream is not navigable ... there is no passage on its surface ... I must walk beside it ...

 

Sometimes the stream flows rapidly and loudly, sometimes it meanders, and sometimes there are quiet pools, and I keep walking ...

 

The source of the steam is far away and unknown ... the waters that pass me each day are perpetually renewed ... and I keep walking ...

 

Some hours I can walk vigorously, the path is soft, pleasant, the air is warm, the light is crisp ... and I keep walking ...

 

Some hours I stumble, there are rocks and roots embedded in the path ... and I keep walking ...

 

Some hours I shelter, there is a storm, and the wind is harsh and cold ... and I wait under these braches for a while ...

 

Some hours I walk away from the stream, overwhelmed with its sound and its incessant motion ... there is no path away from the stream, and I have no compass, and there is always the sound to the stream ... the sound of the stream permeates all the land ... so I return to the stream ... and I keep walking ...

 

And there is the stream and there is the pilgrim ... the stream flows and I keep walking ... this is our novena ... the repetition of our cycle of nine days, followed by another nine days ... again and again ... until we come home together ...

 

.....Nova, this is so beautiful....Peace is right....I hope you publish a book of your experiences and wisdom through this....and lace it well with all of your beautiful meditations...It never occurred to me to think of this as Novena....but being Catholic , it makes complete and total sense....

      Thank you so much for your steadfast compassionate presence on this journey with us. How lucky I am to have jumped on at just the right moment in time to meet you and Green and Peace and Life and HH, Mrs, Drew, Sig, Sky, Marj.  everyone...  What a lovely band of buddies to journey with

  Hoping you get rest for your tiredness and have a day of sunbreaks tomorrow.....coop

[[Co...]]

Peace,.  It is wonderful to see you here....How are you? .  Hoping all is well with you....love to you MightyGirl....

      coop

[[Se...]]

Serenity,

 

So sorry you're being hit like this.  I have spent the past 3 weeks in a tsunami of mega proportion.  It is scary and I'm always thinking I will never heal.  It's just not true.  Everyone heals.  Everyone.

 

You will emerge from this spell with a raised baseline.  Count on it.  A raised baseline is almost always preceded by a wave of epic strength symptoms.

 

Hugs to you during the rough seas.

 

Love, Sofa

 

:'(  Sofa, I'm sad to hear you're also getting a terrible beating.  It IS very scary.  A living nightmare for sure.  I am literally holding my breath waiting to come up for air.  Must remember to breathe once in a while, so the anxiety doesn't completely overwhelm.

 

Such unnecessary nonsense.  Totally preventable.  Because of all that's happened, I don't even trust dentists or eye doctors anymore.  I never used to have problems like that.  I remember when I was healthy and strong.  I don't feel I can ever trust medical people again.

 

I hope we do experience a higher baseline after this.

 

Thanks for your hugs & kind words, Sofa.  Your support - and everyone else's here - means a great deal.

 

 

[[dr...]]

Sig-you catch the end of the mich-mich st  game? I left the house with a few minutes left

 

Went to the store. They had a sale on wine. Carrying the case out my neck started seizing up w pain from shoulder to base of skull. Caused a brief panic.  What is w our neck muscles being shot?  As we always say " I never had anything like  this!"  Marinating chicken wings in a mango saracha glaze while I'm marinating my neck on ice.

[[dr...]]

I'm convinced....the longer i stay away from Drs except for acute situations the longer I will live. 

[[Se...]]

SerenityNow ... ahhh, the old phantom smells ... I used to smell chocolate everywhere ... and I would catch myself getting up and looking for it ... never did find it ... 

 

For me ... I was on the drug in my late forties, all through my fifties, and into my sixties ... so, I have to say I cannot "go back" to where I was ... I have grown older during this process ...

 

And ... the "continuity" I experience ... right from birth ... is still there ... oftentimes hidden during this process ... so I can say I am re-connected with my "life thread" ...

 

I believe my path is always present ... my issue is often recognizing it, especially during this process ... and for me, here is the funky part ... my path is not pre-determined ... rather, it blooms into existence with each step I take ...

 

Perhaps I could "go back" ... I do not know if that is possible ... besides, I am "here" ... my curiosity is mostly directed forward ... so that seems to be my "direction" for now ... this "arrow of time" stuff is interesting to ponder once in a while ... and it does not hold my attention for long usually ...

 

I think I know what you're saying, Nova.  I had to read your post a few times, admittedly, due to cognitive difficulty, but I get it.  Thanks for elucidating your experience.

 

 

 

[[Co...]]

You feeling better on the antibiotics yet?  I'm still fighting this damn cold that is just now settling into my lungs.  Still easier than withdrawal. 

 

Still having mostly periods of no anxiety, panic, or any head pain. I got a flash of some sensation that a month ago would have set my panic off.  Last night i acknowledged it and it didn't even get my heart rate up. 

Driving to get the coffee I was thinking about how much I have to do to slowly rejoin the human race. My life has been basically suffer and pretend I'm fine at work and then retreat home to rest and recover. Only doings  other  things if they were required of me. Now I'm restless and want to engage again. I live near an airport and I used to look at the planes and just think of dread(travel and feeling shitty). Now I'm looking up at them thinking of the fun and possibility they will bring in the not so distant future. 

Along with being able to hold clien meetings without feeling like death I will consider myself healed when I can travel and be able to enjoy it without taking pills.  Never have known that but I know it's coming.

 

My early morning muses....oh...my fiancé just said "you're quite active this morning" in an annoyed voice. 

 

Drew.....you are sounding GOOD.  It sounds like that corner that turns for us after that last long miserable wave , also known as acute 2...or ...3. ...No panics, head zaps without blinking an eye....and most of all looking forward to a life that you feel is coming....a life with happiness and excitement instead of dread and fear....so glad for you. You describe so well the long months of trudging.....feeling like hell, but pretending not to....going home to hopefully recover and getting up the next day to do it all over again. ...You are coming out of that .. 

      Coffee at 630 in the morning at that place that has the best coffee.....how we learn to appreciate so much the little things in life that before benzo w/d we hardly noticed.

    And YAY for you for posting an honest review about a doctor who was a complete jerk. ...You saved some people from him.....good on you......You are getting there Drew

        coop

[[Se...]]

I'm convinced....the longer i stay away from Drs except for acute situations the longer I will live.

 

TRUTH.  You are the second person in two days who I've heard express this sentiment, Drew.  So many of my friends are on boatloads of pills and their health is in the toilet.  They're miserable.  So much for the "medicine" helping them get healthy.

 

What an epic scam.

[[Co...]]

Sky....if you are lurking out there....I hope you are doing well in your new home. Thinking of you ....coop

[[Se...]]

Hi, all.  I'm beaten down, depressed and exhausted.  In a huge wave.  Last month, I thought I was finally beginning to make some decent progress.  Now things feel very bad.  Tinnitus just screaming, migraine all day (first time in w/d I've battled with a migraine), hurts to move my light-sensitive eyes, things smell/taste weird, fatigue, lethargy, anxiety, hopelessness.  Anger.  So much anger.  This is really awful.  This is not "me".

 

The obsessive thinking... it's really bad.  I keep crying and wanting to torture the doctors who did this to me.  I just cannot get over what's been done to me (to us) in the name of "medicine".  I just can't.  How can I forgive?

 

And so, there it is.  My life is still on hold while I wait for more healing.  It feels, though, that this is all there is to look forward to.  More of the same.  Endless mental and physical torture.

 

I guess I'm just wanting somebody to tell me that things might finally be ok some day... before I die, that is.  :'(

 

I haven't read any posts to catch up.  I hope others are faring a bit better than I right now.

 

Serenity I could have written this post. Seems we bought the wrong boat ticket. Can we get a refund and get on the right boat. I can't tell you how many dreams I've had about kidnapping a doctor and forcing this crsp on them for a month. Hopefully this terrible wave is the last hurrah.

 

Ah... a refund.  I might sell my first-born, Siggy!    Indeed... let's hope this tsunami brings much calmer waters for us.

[[Co...]]

Serenity....so sorry you are in such misery....it will get better...I love Nova's image of the path blooming new with each step. I know that philosophical insights are more the balm of reflection rather than the immediate relief of concrete reassurance....but that is such a great image for that feeling of disconnect and nothing to look forward to. We on this thread know that feeling all too well.....It is w/d and it can be so thick and heavy....it will lift.

      You will make it through this.  I hopened you get some sunbreaks soon ... .coop

[[Co...]]

Sig.  Glad you got some sleep last night....What a good gut you are.....waiting all night for your cat to come home....had to laugh at him coming in in the morning.....just like a cat. 

      Enjoy your brunch....Wishing you more sleep.  And more sleep......coop

[[Se...]]

Serenity....so sorry you are in such misery....it will get better...I love Nova's image of the path blooming new with each step. I know that philosophical insights are more the balm of reflection rather than the immediate relief of concrete reassurance....but that is such a great image for that feeling of disconnect and nothing to look forward to. We on this thread know that feeling all too well.....It is w/d and it can be so thick and heavy....it will lift.

      You will make it through this.  I hopened you get some sunbreaks soon ... .coop

 

Coop, thank you.  I know it has to get better; how could it get worse again and then just... stall?  Just doesn't make sense.  I've been here before.  Odd how one completely forgets.  It's like starting the process anew each time you're tossed back into the stew.

 

Hoping you're enjoying better days... 

[[dr...]]

Hi coop!  How are you today(sorry if I missed post)? 

 

I hope my good run isn't ending. Had my conic jerks several times as I was falling asleep last night. I had that brief flash of health anxiety when neck got wonky and I've felt off ever since. Just mentally scanning my body instead of being present. Also had a bit of DR today. Light but still there. Oh well...still no chemical anxiety. Fingers crossed.

[[so...]]

Serenity,

 

You know what I do all day everyday?  I pace my backyard and talk to myself, as if I'm talking to God, or Jesus, or my spirit guide--some higher power who knows there's a reason for all my suffering.  Weird, huh?

 

Sometimes I pretend they are telling me how much better I am than I used to be, going through the list of symptoms I originally had, showing me which symptoms are completely gone, which symptoms are still around but less severe, convincing me I'm going to heal 100%, like everyone else does.  Other times they go through the litany of things I've learned about myself throughout this journey and what's really important in life, things I never would have thought about had I not been forced to face this hell.

 

I am forever changed by this experience, this so-called journey.  There's no going back for me.  I am more compassionate towards my family and strangers.  No more fighting or arguing about anything.  Minor stuff doesn't matter anymore, once you've had to suffer through this inferno. 

 

I do beg the question while I'm pacing, "Why does the pain have to go on for so long?"  I mean, I get it.  I will not make the mistakes I've made in the past.  I will continue on my path of empathy and love and understanding and nurturing others in this world.  Why do I have to keep suffering?

 

I haven't received an answer to my question yet.  They said they'd get back to me.

 

What I know for sure is that there is a happy ending to this journey.  When I coded on the operating table on September 3, 2014, they were losing me.  The surgeon couldn't revive me.  The anesthesiologist was a co-worker in my son-in-law's anaesthesiologist group and had been my anesthesiologist for my knee surgery in 2006.  What was happening to me had happen to another patient of his during a routine laparoscopic gallbladder surgery like mine before, when the heart stops beating and the blood pressure drops to zero.  The anaesthesiologist jumped in and told them to roll me over on my side.  They rolled me over and the vacuum of air released and my heart began beating again.  This doctor saved my life.  The eerie thing was, he switched shifts with the doctor who was supposed to be my anaesthesiologist because my son-in-law asked him to.  He wasn't supposed to be there.  Or was he?

 

See, I don't believe in accidents anymore.  God didn't take me on the operating table that morning just so I could spend the rest of my life suffering the pain and anguish in this hellish existence of withdrawal.  Serenity, maybe your answer isn't to change the course of your life and your past mistakes.  Maybe your answer lies in your future.  Maybe you are a "way forward."  This wise 83 year old doctor in my detox facility told me I wasn't an addict like the others in the hospital.  He told me I was a "way forward," like in the days of covered wagons, the scout who was hired to go ahead of the wagon train and find the safest routes to the eventual destination of the settlers.  Maybe you will save someone's life in the future, someone who was about to go down the benzo path.  You never know.  I just know life isn't a series of accidents.

 

Maybe I'm full of baloney.  Maybe life is just a bunch of mishaps, accidents and potholes.  After all I've been through since January 2012, I don't think so.  I keep my sanity by believing there's a higher purpose all my suffering is serving.

 

I love you, Serenity, and I know you are in the quicksand now.  I am throwing you this rope and the other end is tied around my waist and to a huge tree.  Just pull hard and climb out.  You are safe. 

 

Love, Sofa

[[so...]]

Sorry for the long story, folks.  I just wanted Serenity and all of you to know I care.  I suffer, you revive me, you suffer, I revive you.  The world is full of unselfish compassionate people like all of you, not the people we read about in the news.  That's something else I've learned on this journey.

 

Love, Sofa

[[dr...]]

WOW Sofa....wow!!!  :smitten:

[[so...]]

Drew, I responded to you on the 6-12 month thread.  What an inspiration you are!  You and Siggy are so generous to go back in time to encourage others in our stage of withdrawal.  Thank you so much.

 

Love, Sofa

[[Se...]]

Sofa... Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

 

I like what your 83 yr-old doctor told you, that maybe you are a "way forward".  Yes.  That makes sense to my soul, if not my poor, addled brain.  Without question we are all paving the way for positive change, and paving the way has never been easy.  I believe it's only for the bravest of souls.

 

I appreciate your love and support, as I do the love and support of everyone else here.

 

Serenity 

 

[[pe...]]

Good stories, Sofa. I think time and again that the lives I may be protecting from this nightmare are my sons. I am the way forward for them, the boys with genetics like mine who will not have to go through this now that we know.

 

My mother went through this, and hers before. They each thought it was them. Not the drugs. But this is where that story stops.

 

 

 

 

[[He...]]

Hi everyone!  I was on last week complaining of the wave I seemed to find myself in, so I figured I better update and let you all know how my week's been going.   I am exhausted because it was Homecoming Week at school, which is 5 days of wound-up kids dressing up, but I am back to feeling good again.  It was an exciting Friday night as both of my daughters were chosen for the Homecoming Court...my youngest as the freshman princess and my oldest as the Homecoming queen.  I was able to enjoy it all, just being a proud momma. 

 

I have a feeling that these random post-healed waves may continue to show up now and then, but they are NOTHING compared to how they were before.  I believe that the further one gets from withdrawal, the more infrequent they will be, until they stop all together.  I think it's important to know that they may show up, but it doesn't mean you are slipping backwards. I believe it's just part of the long healing process.

 

I hope you are doing well tonight...I didn't read back through the posts this time. I just got back from a volleyball game that was 2 hours away, so we spent most of the day in this tiny little town.  It was fun, but I am sooooo tired!!  It's time for me to head to bed. 

 

Love and healing to you all,

HH

[[dr...]]

Fantastical news HH.  That seems to be the progression of our healing.