18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[No...]]

Jen ... I have never had a nervous breakdown ... I do not have a clue what that would be like ...

 

I do know about the feeling of "helplessness" ... about feeling "unsafe" ... about feeling being "lost" ... and when we feel these things it sounds very reasonable to go into a place of self-protection for a while ... I do it ... and I would suspect many folks do it during this process ... perhaps several times ...

 

For me, this is an expression of resilience not breakdown ... an expression of strength not breakdown ... an expression of compassion not breakdown ...

 

And ... here is perhaps a tricky part ... our past is not our today ... is not our tomorrow ...

 

For me, the "reality" of this process is I am getting better ... and like that elusive cloud that keeps shape-shifting ... some days I just cannot connect with my "reality" ... I can get stuck in the past ... I can over-worry tomorrow ... and today I can just feel so disconnected and dark from anything I have known or anything I hope for ...

 

Perhaps, for each of us, in our own way ... this is what our healing feels like ... and ... feelings in the moment are experienced as "real" ... and like that shape-shifting cloud they come and go ...

 

Our reality is we are healing ... no matter the feelings in the moment ... no matter the nuances that our illness presents to us ... we are healing ... 

 

 

[[No...]]

Mrs ... 

[[dr...]]

this next year will most likely be 100% feeling normal again for all of us!  I am looking forward to it.

 

mrs...you're so right on that

[[Si...]]

this next year will most likely be 100% feeling normal again for all of us!  I am looking forward to it.

 

mrs...you're so right on that

 

I certainly hope so. I've had the most exceptionally terrible last two weeks. One of the worst waves I've been in.

 

Heading to acupuncture in a minute. Hope it helps me some.

[[dr...]]

good luck sig!  I'm off to bed to try and beat this crapness I feel today.

[[Si...]]

good luck sig!  I'm off to bed to try and beat this crapness I feel today.

 

Yeah man, hope you get some rest and sort it out. Acupuncture went well. No herbs this time. May go back next week. Afterwords went to have soondubu (tofu soup) with the wife.

[[Ko...]]

Drew,

 

Great right up on that Doctor. He deserves it and you may help others.

 

Korbe

[[mr...]]

Mrs ... 

 

Nova, how did you know I needed that hug?

 

Tonight, I am tired. I am allowing myself to be so. Most days, most times, I carry my head high and refuse to let the title "withdrawal" carry me down the rabbit trails and sidelines. Most of the time, I am happy to ignore what remains and focus on what's gone and healed. Most days, I'm so very grateful for where I'm at that I forget what progress is yet unseen. But tonight, I am tired. I am tired of running tachy when tired, stuffed, eating sweets, or a bit stressed/nervous...or you know, just 'cause. I am tired of the heightened stress response (yes, even though I do not give my body permission to respond like that). I am tired of irrational fear ~ of which I had ZERO pre-benzos, mind you. Tomorrow, I shall pick myself right back up and put that smile on my face, and continue to look forward to my complete healing. But for tonight, can I just be...tired with you? I promise, Mrs Encourager, Mrs Joyful, Mrs Achiever, Mrs Doer, Mrs Hopeful, and Mrs Gracious will be right back here tomorrow Tonight, I lie and rest on the floor of the 18-30 month room with my buddies. Tonight we rest in each others company & presence. Perhaps we'll lie on each other's bellies and play that laughing game? Or anyone up for a good ole game of Euchre? Only those from the Midwest would understand... 

 

Thanks for letting me "be" with you here tonight gang. I hope y'all are feeling better this evening. Anyone up for ordering a late night pizza with me?

 

Mrs.

[[No...]]

Did someone mention Euchre? ... 

 

Mrs ... sometimes when I listen, I am able to hear ...

 

We get tired ... and when I am so, I need, more than anything, to just be tired ...

 

I believe our healing goes on, every day, whether or not I am aware of it ... whether or not I am engaged with it ... whether or not I am passive for a while ...

 

There is the image of my having been transported deep into a wilderness, not aware of how I got there, and the only way home is to walk beside the stream that is flowing ... and the stream is not navigable ... there is no passage on its surface ... I must walk beside it ...

 

Sometimes the stream flows rapidly and loudly, sometimes it meanders, and sometimes there are quiet pools, and I keep walking ...

 

The source of the steam is far away and unknown ... the waters that pass me each day are perpetually renewed ... and I keep walking ...

 

Some hours I can walk vigorously, the path is soft, pleasant, the air is warm, the light is crisp ... and I keep walking ...

 

Some hours I stumble, there are rocks and roots embedded in the path ... and I keep walking ...

 

Some hours I shelter, there is a storm, and the wind is harsh and cold ... and I wait under these braches for a while ...

 

Some hours I walk away from the stream, overwhelmed with its sound and its incessant motion ... there is no path away from the stream, and I have no compass, and there is always the sound to the stream ... the sound of the stream permeates all the land ... so I return to the stream ... and I keep walking ...

 

And there is the stream and there is the pilgrim ... the stream flows and I keep walking ... this is our novena ... the repetition of our cycle of nine days, followed by another nine days ... again and again ... until we come home together ...

[[No...]]

Mrs ... sorry I missed the pizza ... I was tired and I slept awhile ... 

[[pe...]]

Did someone mention Euchre? ... 

 

Mrs ... sometimes when I listen, I am able to hear ...

 

We get tired ... and when I am so, I need, more than anything, to just be tired ...

 

I believe our healing goes on, every day, whether or not I am aware of it ... whether or not I am engaged with it ... whether or not I am passive for a while ...

 

There is the image of my having been transported deep into a wilderness, not aware of how I got there, and the only way home is to walk beside the stream that is flowing ... and the stream is not navigable ... there is no passage on its surface ... I must walk beside it ...

 

Sometimes the stream flows rapidly and loudly, sometimes it meanders, and sometimes there are quiet pools, and I keep walking ...

 

The source of the steam is far away and unknown ... the waters that pass me each day are perpetually renewed ... and I keep walking ...

 

Some hours I can walk vigorously, the path is soft, pleasant, the air is warm, the light is crisp ... and I keep walking ...

 

Some hours I stumble, there are rocks and roots embedded in the path ... and I keep walking ...

 

Some hours I shelter, there is a storm, and the wind is harsh and cold ... and I wait under these braches for a while ...

 

Some hours I walk away from the stream, overwhelmed with its sound and its incessant motion ... there is no path away from the stream, and I have no compass, and there is always the sound to the stream ... the sound of the stream permeates all the land ... so I return to the stream ... and I keep walking ...

 

And there is the stream and there is the pilgrim ... the stream flows and I keep walking ... this is our novena ... the repetition of our cycle of nine days, followed by another nine days ... again and again ... until we come home together ...

 

 

 

Ahhhhhhhh. It's like breathing to read your words. You've got a whole book worth of words for the healing scattered over these threads, Nova. I hope someday you'll share them with a wider audience.

 

Thank you.

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Mrs,

Tired, yes. Lie down and rest. The new day will be there for you when you rise. Somedays are best greeted in the morning, some in the afternoon, some when the sun is setting. So, take your time. Rest as long as you need because you've been walking strong for a long while.

 

So many hugs to you, dear lady.

Peace2

[[No...]]

Good Morning, Peace ... good to see you here ... hoping you are feeling okay ... 

[[dr...]]

Hope this new day is a renewed one of calmness Mrs

 

Hi peace and Nova

 

5:45 in Ca and wide awake.  Oh sleep....how I miss thee.  I guess I will be off to get an incredible cup of coffee that is made nearby.  Never a line at this time. 

[[No...]]

Morning Drew ... I was down at the market at 630 this morning ... not much of a sleep either ...

 

Enjoy your coffee ...

[[dr...]]

You feeling better on the antibiotics yet?  I'm still fighting this damn cold that is just now settling into my lungs.  Still easier than withdrawal. 

 

Still having mostly periods of no anxiety, panic, or any head pain. I got a flash of some sensation that a month ago would have set my panic off.  Last night i acknowledged it and it didn't even get my heart rate up. 

Driving to get the coffee I was thinking about how much I have to do to slowly rejoin the human race. My life has been basically suffer and pretend I'm fine at work and then retreat home to rest and recover. Only doings  other  things if they were required of me. Now I'm restless and want to engage again. I live near an airport and I used to look at the planes and just think of dread(travel and feeling shitty). Now I'm looking up at them thinking of the fun and possibility they will bring in the not so distant future. 

Along with being able to hold clien meetings without feeling like death I will consider myself healed when I can travel and be able to enjoy it without taking pills.  Never have known that but I know it's coming.

 

My early morning muses....oh...my fiancé just said "you're quite active this morning" in an annoyed voice. 

[[...]]

Hope everyone is doing ok.

 

How are you Peace? I often think of you 

 

I slept ok last night and since I dragged myself out of bed the fatigue and spaced out feeling is unbelievable. No point analysing I suppose but this really is like being trapped in limbo. I feel 110 

[[Si...]]

Hi all,

 

Nice story about the stream Nova. Would be nice to have a luxury sail boat sometimes to make the trip down the stream quicker and smoother though.

 

Mrs. Hope you enjoyed your pizza and took as easy as you could.

 

Drew, sorry about your cold. I had one a few weeks ago that didn't seem to cause any extra w/d problems. Definetly not anywhere near the hell that getting the flu back in March caused. I'm sure I would have been 100% healed by now if it weren't for they damn flu. Glad you can enjoy coffee. I sleep so bad that I can't even do the decaf stuff. Which sucks because I use to love my coffee and tea. I could even drink it in the evening and still sleep fine. I slept last night, but it wasn't great. Our younger cat decided to escape last night. And on a night where the temp has dropped down into the 40's. So I slept on our sofa which is right by our back door. I kept waking up every few hours as I thought I heard him crying, but he wasn't there. I was afraid he'd get hit by a car or get in a fight with one of the feral cats that runs around here. Went upstairs to get in bed with the wife around 5am. In and out of sleep for a while. Woke up feeling terrible as usual. Pounding head pressure and burning all over. That same sick feeling down my spine that I've had for a few months. Came down stairs and the big dummy was crying outside the door to come in. Ran straight for the food bowl. We're heading to birthday brunch shortly.

[[Si...]]

Hope everyone is doing ok.

 

How are you Peace? I often think of you 

 

I slept ok last night and since I dragged myself out of bed the fatigue and spaced out feeling is unbelievable. No point analysing I suppose but this really is like being trapped in limbo. I feel 110 

 

Glad you slept some. I know the drag yourself out of bed feeling. Hope today goes ok for you. Every day I'm shocked that I have to live through this situation.

[[mr...]]

thanks for the support last night, gang I am back and happy today, as per norm

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Mrs. ....beautifully said....sending big hugs....as many as you need. Yep....some days we just have to lay it down and let it be and rest..  it's ok .....and you don't have to be all those perfect personas tomorrow...although I hope you are feeling better tomorrow..  I am right there with you..  a few months of reliable 85% healed....3 days ago anxiety/panic/ pounding g thumping speeding heart... ..on the floor with you...this will end..  as Nova says, " it always does"... until then we have each other to go the distance with.

    " We are all just walking each other home"..

                                            ..            Ram Dass

  wishing you rest and healing.....coop

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... just feeling tired all day ... slept a little off and on ... I suppose my body is trying to work through this infection ...

[[Se...]]

Hi, all.  I'm beaten down, depressed and exhausted.  In a huge wave.  Last month, I thought I was finally beginning to make some decent progress.  Now things feel very bad.  Tinnitus just screaming, migraine all day (first time in w/d I've battled with a migraine), hurts to move my light-sensitive eyes, things smell/taste weird, fatigue, lethargy, anxiety, hopelessness.  Anger.  So much anger.  This is really awful.  This is not "me".

 

The obsessive thinking... it's really bad.  I keep crying and wanting to torture the doctors who did this to me.  I just cannot get over what's been done to me (to us) in the name of "medicine".  I just can't.  How can I forgive?

 

And so, there it is.  My life is still on hold while I wait for more healing.  It feels, though, that this is all there is to look forward to.  More of the same.  Endless mental and physical torture.

 

I guess I'm just wanting somebody to tell me that things might finally be ok some day... before I die, that is.  :'(

 

I haven't read any posts to catch up.  I hope others are faring a bit better than I right now.

[[No...]]

SerenityNow ... yes, things will finally be okay ... someday ... I wish I could say when, but we all know that is not possible ...

 

In the meantime ... we keep trudging along ... and the symptoms do get us down ... and sometimes we do feel the anger ...

 

All I can do for myself sometimes is to not allow the "I wants" to make things more miserable than they already are ...

 

Hang on, my friend ... things do get better ... 

[[Se...]]

SerenityNow ... yes, things will finally be okay ... someday ... I wish I could say when, but we all know that is not possible ...

 

In the meantime ... we keep trudging along ... and the symptoms do get us down ... and sometimes we do feel the anger ...

 

All I can do for myself sometimes is to not allow the "I wants" to make things more miserable than they already are ...

 

Hang on, my friend ... things do get better ... 

 

Nova, thanks.  The disconnection I feel right now is immense.  The disconnection from my "old" self, I mean.

 

Do you feel like you are feeling a bit more like yourself nowadays, at least in windows?  Or do you feel you are now a different person, on a different path than before?

 

Right now I am smelling graham crackers, but there's no food up here in the bedroom.  Before that, I was smelling blood.  Phantom smells.  I always know something's up when that happens.  Hopefully these intense symptoms are a sign that my scrambled brain is working its way into a good window and some tangible improvement.  One can only hope.