Drug Addicts Group

[[on...]]

MT, I switched to psych assessments...it scared me to think I would wonder if that 'click' I heard was a murmur or if it was just my neurons resetting...

 

That click? So you perform psych assessments now? Instead of what? I've thought a few times of getting a different job until my brain and body are back on-line but I'd likely have to work more hours and it would affect too many people. I worked really hard to have a stable work situation and it's fairly likely I wouldn't be able to get the situation back--limited opportunities in my area.

 

MT, I lost my career and my professional license was suspended for six months.  I am going to make it back and so are you.  We have to.

[[MT...]]

Texas, oh. I forgot about the murmur click thing. I used to know to listen for those things but it's been too many years since I practiced that kind of nursing. The thought of working in the ER always freaked me out. I was more of an ICU gal.

 

One year, that's certainly the fear--losing credentials or messing up the work and having to get out. I've got several licensures/credentials I'm trying to maintain. The continuing ed feels quite heavy right now. I've got 6 hours to do these next weeks. I think there's a bunch of us that are going to have to rebuild careers after this is all over. I'm trying to maintain but it's a lower quality than I used to be able to do. Good job, one year, with the hopeful attitude. There's every reason to hope here. We'll get through this.

[[Te...]]

MTf,

  Yeah, the knowledge is still up there(somewhere, I think), but the receptor responses are so screwed up right now that i am easily set off...i don't think I would want to have a caregiver huffing in a paper bag...  I do find that getting out of myself helps a lot, and that 100mg of metoprolol ER daily helps suppress the heebies...i AM able to do the occasional cardiac assessment, but it requires quiet and concentration...it actually does help to focus outside...don't know if I will ever be able to take a 12 hour diet of that environment, again, but right now that is irrelevant...tex

[[on...]]

My name's Mike and I'm an addict. I decided to start this group for anyone that has a history of drug abuse who either abused benzos as well, or was prescribed them as a form of treatment. I feel like we may have a bit of a different perspective and possibly even a different experience/outcome due to all the chemicals we have put into our brains and bodies. If anyone is interested in this group just chime in and give a brief summary of your drug history, benzo use (if not already in your signature) Amount of time off drugs, or benzos and your symptoms. I'll have a more detailed summary of myself if this thread gains traction.

 

Allright Crazypants, you did start a great thread.  Do you want to write about your story?  We all appreciate this thread.  :thumbsup:

[[MT...]]

Hello, fellow travelers. I usually come on BB and talk about how badly things are going. Today I have something different. I feel *good*. Not the kindof good I've gotten a few times. Not symptom free but none of them are particularly difficult. I haven't felt this in at least 2 years. Yeah, I know it won't last but it's incredibly comforting to get some confirmation that I'm healing.

[[on...]]

MT I hope you're doing better by now.  Remember, if you have a hard time I promise you it won't be as hard as times you've gotten through in the past.  You've just gotten through one of the busiest weeks that I've ever heard of on the BB.  Any accomplishment is a good one, but you just traveled and drove and met people.  I think maybe you're having a letdown from all of that?

 

You'll get through this too. 

 

 

MT and Texas I've got to do 12 hours of seminars (web is okay) by the end of June to keep credentialed.  The thoughts of 12 hour shifts you talk about scares me.  I'm doing some projects but I've got to go out and find real, full-time work.

 

Hope everyone is having great days, and MT hope you are better.  You will be. 

[[MT...]]

One year, today is pretty rough so far. Lots of GI distress with nausea and weird dizziness (not a usual symptom for me). I'm feeling downright miserable but trying, and failing, to be brave. I need to get myself to drink a smoothie or something soon. I'm not sure if it's a bug or some special wd treat. Could be letdown--overdoing from last week. I'm not working two days in a row again for a very long time. I clearly can't do it.

 

I've got a 6 hour DVD continuing ed thing I have to do this month. So. Not. In. The. Mood. Let me know how your 12 hours go.

[[on...]]

I've got till the end of the month to do the 12 hours.  It's just something that bugs me.

 

I'm sorry you are having a bad day.  But think about it - you had an incredible roll and did awesome things and after you get through this bump in the road you'll be back to your normal self.  I've had stomach flu when I was cutting and it made things very difficult for me because I don't think my body absorbed what I was taking.

 

Maybe you shouldn't work two days in a row, but you are wrong when you said you can't; because you already did do it. 

 

Out of the blue I'm having a hard day.  I don't bring up family issues except on a parenting board because when I didn't have family support I didn't need to hear others talk about it.  I have incredible respect for the people who post about lack of family.  All of you are incredible.

 

My wife and two kids are leaving for 2 days to go to my mother-in-law's house.  I'm not going.  I didn't think about it, but I haven't slept alone in a house (even if I had one child with me) in about 2 years.  I'm absolutely dreading tonight and wondering what I will do with myself.  This is silly because even when they are here I'm not up to my usual self and don't do that much for them.  That's another story - I've got to stop this  :'( :'(

 

Anyway, I'm sleeping alone tonight for the first time in almost two years and I'm already lonely.  I'm a loner and don't think I've felt loneliness like this in many, many years. 

 

MT, wow I just read that you are going to spend 10 days alone in your house and wanted to edit this.  I feel guilty about saying how lonely I'll be for just two days.  I know we are all at different places with different challenges but I feel bad about my complaining.

 

I'll be thinking about you.  I guess there's definitely no "Weeee!!! Here I go!!!!" from me about goals today.  It's just a hang on day.  I know you'll make it.  We can make it. 

[[MT...]]

So right, one year, we're going to do this.

 

Please don't ever feel bad for talking about what is troubling you. I've gotten super upset when my hubbie had to be gone for a weekend. I know what you mean about not being your usual self and not doing that much with them. I often feel that way as well, but find time drags when no one else is here. I'm tough to please: on one hand it bothers me to have them here and worry about what I should be doing or seeming lazy (not what they say, just my perception) but on the other hand when they're not here it feels empty, boring, and lonely. For now, with the extreme not sleeping, the nights are easier on my own as long as the security system is set to keep out the zombies:-)

 

I think this may be some stomach flu but I'm not sure. It could be from not sleeping, maybe? I hope I can work by Tuesday. How's your applying for jobs going? What are you going to do to make the time pass while your family is gone?

[[on...]]

I hope your stomach is better  and you are getting along by yourself.    You're not really alone. 

 

Wow!  I said I hadn't cried in forever and now I am, and today I'm feeling guilt about what this has done to my kids.  I'm sure this is most likely because these are the first days I haven't been with them - even if I was hiding on the couch. 

 

The house is a disaster.  I'm gonna try to start cleaning it.  I'm also gonna play music for myself.  Haven't done this for myself in well over a year as well. 

 

I'm kind of scared.  I'm so emotional (a good thing) but I'm afraid where this will lead.  I hope I don't get too emotional to do things.

 

Thank you for the support.  I was going to wait to get started for a couple of hours.  When you asked me what I was going to do to keep busy, I decided the time to start my day now.

 

Thank you. 

[[MT...]]

Paul, blasting music and cleaning sounds like a great way to get through it. I'll try that when it's my turn in a few days. I'm being a slob right now and doing the minimum.

 

Guilt is like the call of the sirens--it pulls us in and then we're dashed on the rocks. Not recommended. All we can do is our best from this point. Sometimes I'll start marinating in it for being depressed so much when my kids were little and missing stuff but it just made me more depressed. Let it go, as the song says and start fresh with each day. That's so important for recovery. Let's leave the damn sirens alone

 

People go to confession, or talk to therapists or write in a journal, or go to meetings to get that stuff out, be heard, and get some absolution. I've found therapy helpful for that. Have you tried any of those things? I've already acknowledged and apologized to family and it does them and me no good to keep doing that. What we're doing right now is helping us and our families have the best, most whole future we possibly can. We've already begun.

 

I get the crying thing. For the longest time I felt super flat. Then I started crying at weird times. I cried through almost the whole 9 minutes of a video of some kids doing a dancing routine in their graduation robes. WTF! Then today I cried while I watched people get baptized, one after another, in this beautiful ceremony. I cry at commercials. Cried during my son's graduation. Fortunately, it rarely happens in a situation with people--like at work, with my family or friends unless there's a bad conflict and it's appropriate. So far. But I laugh sometimes too now and that didn't happen for a very long time. Can you laugh?

 

[[on...]]

MT,

 

Thanks for this post.  I did get it.  I've cleaned house to music which is something I haven't done in two years.  I'm trying to find work and devoting lots of time to it.  It's really driving me crazy and it's taking all I've got.  I feel badly not responding to your incredibly thoughtful post - but I wanted to let you know I read it and appreciate it.

 

Hopefully a couple of days and I'll be myself.

 

And, yes I can laugh but it's very hard.  I wish I could more.  Fighting off the guilt thing big, big big time.  I'm the one who came out of rehab 14 months ago with a journal about controlling emotions and negative thoughts.  I know that guilt only destroys and i kept that in check for all this time.  Until now.

 

If I can't fight it off I will embrace it and use it as incentive to change the things that I do have control over and that I can change.

 

My best to everyone -

Paul.

 

[[MT...]]

One year, no apologies are ever required for attending to life in the real world. I'm glad you're able to get yourself into the fight for work.

 

You and I, and I'm sure many others, need to get our guilt out and bitch slap it into submission.

 

I love the serenity prayer reference. So much of what we all need to be doing.

[[on...]]

Thought I'd quickly jump in.  I miss everyone here,  I applied for a job that I may get, I'm in the middle of listening to continuing education training that must be done in 3 days to keep my credentials, and I'm going full speed and I'm terrified.  I'm afraid I will crash.  I feel like a bicyclist riding on a high wire.  I'm not really comfortable but I'm functioning.

 

Miss everyone.  Been a week but I'm still here.  My best wishes to everyone.     

[[MT...]]

I'm glad you're hanging in there one year. I hope the continuing ed goes quickly and your brain does what you want it to. I know how scary it is to feel like you're going faster than you feel ready for. That terrified feeling is super rough. You've got healing going on even when you feel lousy. Hopefully things will look up for all of us soon.