Klonipin Taper Plan and Reduction Journal (Personal Style)

[[ru...]]

Glad you have stabilized! Hold.....till you feel better man!  I'm in your same boat...holding....lookin' forward to your next update!  Keep it movin'!

-Runner

[[th...]]

Day 11 Taper Plan

 

Still stable!  It's amazing to see my spreadsheet show days and days in a row of the same exact dose.  I can't believe how bad I was abusing them before.  I almost feel ready to drop, but i'm going to stick to my plan. 

 

With the American holidays coming up, I'm going to be tested with a lot of family interactions that have haunted me for years.  Everyone wants me to be charming and charismatic like I used to be.  I can tell, they actually ask where the 'old Kevin' went. 

 

I'll fake it as much as I possibly can, but I won't take extra to make that ride easier.  I have to rely on myself.  I need to keep stabilizing until it almost feels easy to do so. 

 

I have a 'Klonipin Left at Current Dose Per Day' item on my spreadsheet to tell me how many Klonipin I could take until my next docs appointment.  It's somewhere upwards of five per day.  But that's a joke and I won't do that.  I'm stable at 1.5mg a day and I don't need any more than that.  My body never feels like it's withdrawing at this dose and that' all I need to make me feel better.

 

I wish everyone smooth sailing, many windows, and to stick to your dose as well as you can.

 

Thanks for reading,

Kevin

[[th...]]

I had an appointment with my Psychiatrist doctor today.  He recommended that I DO NOT TAPER off my current medication if I feel stabilized and good, which  I do. 

 

He says he's not worried about the Klonipin because he is monitoring it.  Now I'm confused.

[[ru...]]

Stick to your taper.

[[th...]]

My doctor f*king ruined it.  He made me feel like the benzos were fine and working as intended.  I guess he just still wanted his $200 a month.  I didn't fall off the wagon too badly with an extra mg or two for the past few days, nothing I can't fix, but still... He changed my whole mindset about the taper.  He told me that he would tell me when it's time for me to taper off.  He said I'm OK because he's monitoring me.  *Sigh*

[[ru...]]

My doctor told me the same thing - I went ahead with my taper anyway.  Trust your own intuition and there will be no confusion! 

[[th...]]

Yes my friend, I'm totally going to do that now.  I made a mistake and the doctor totally threw me off track, but if I don't start this taper now I'll never want to start it.

 

[[th...]]

Back on the taper plan.  I have a spreadsheet that documents what you should take, how many pills you have left, how many days of pills, etc.  It's great for determining how well you are doing on your taper plan for those of us that struggle and take an extra or a little less one day.  It will require daily inputs, but it's really awesome.  If anyone wants this spreadsheet, let me know.

 

[[ru...]]

I'm glad you made the decision to follow your taper again!  Keep it movin' bud!

[[th...]]

Thank you brother!  No slip ups in the last few days!  Things are going well so far.  We shall see what happens with the holiday visit.  I'm going to try like hell to maintain the taper, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared.  :'(

[[ru...]]

It's okay to be scared. I get scared sometimes but I tell myself that it will pass and will probably not be that big of a deal to me the next week - or even day for that matter! 

 

You've got to reallllllyyyy want to do this in order to succeed.  You're traveling down the right road - keep it moving and remind yourself the you can do this - no matter what!

 

Thanks for the update,

 

-Nick

[[th...]]

My spreadsheet is online!  With the fact that k-pin can cause memory loss, it's tough to do this from memory.  Sometimes pills disappear and you don't remember taking them.

 

Here is a Google Sheet that anyone can use as their own to determine a lot of different factors that go into their taper, and I certainly welcome any advice about bugs and/or issues with my writing or this spreadsheet.

 

I think you need to have a google account to view it.

 

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/164Em3zGtP0gsFrdSIwc_TDN2zq1PGUmycN0sFBJhJlE/edit?usp=sharing

[[th...]]

Tapering going extremely well.  I haven't been ping ponging like I used to, but I have been able to use 1mg instead of 1.5mg on days that I work.  It's a brief test to see if I can manage NOT to go over the 1.5 mark on a day off.  It's a less spiky way of tapering the way that I was before, where I would go 3mg 3mg 3mg .25mg .25mg .25mg 7mg... you get the picture.  I think the lowering of levels will help.  I also have the strength of a serious mind about all of this.  I am hoping that this will all be dust in the wind soon.  My first taper is coming up on New Years Day, and I'm not partying new years night, so my first real test will be then.  I probably won't update until then... unless I'm really scared about the taper and a day off.

 

Thanks of listening,

Kdawg

[[th...]]

Happy new year!  Today is the first day of my taper.  I started on 1.5mg and now I'm dropping to 1.4mg a day, despite my doctor telling me that I should maintain at the dosage that he gives me.  I bought all the stuff for titration but I'm not sure if it's feasible for me to keep a bottle of milk/klonipin in the fridge when I have been hiding this addiction from my family for months.  I am going to just use a pill cutter and try to get it as close off as possible. 

 

Over the holidays and my time off, I felt so bored that I on some days took up to 4mg of Klonipin.  It's bad, for sure, and it's against my creed and it makes the taper harder, but I couldn't stave off the depression, malaise, sadness, and anxiety that was here for what is supposed to be a time of year of joy and happiness.  I have way more Klonipin than I need right now so there is no risk of running out just yet.  On friday I will receive a script of 45mg of Klonipin, and I have exactly 46mg left.  My spreadsheet (up a few posts!) reflects this and since I update the spreadsheet every time I take a pill, I will never 'forget' and take more than expected.

 

Wish me luck on the taper, it should be fine but I will keep you updated!

[[th...]]

Day 1 Taper to 1.4mg

 

Okay, since I am not able to titrate, I started cutting the pills with a regular pocket knife.  It's not precise, but I imagine you don't need to be super precise.  I know that I am taking slightly less now than I was before, and that's how the taper will work.  I imagine I won't feel the effects of the taper for awhile, since clonipin has a very long half life, so more info on my first taper from 1.5mg down to hopefully zero.  I did mess up this month, mostly due to my doctor giving me the bad advice of staying on the drug, but the only person I can really blame is me.  One good thing I can take out of it is that my disparity between what I should take and what I did take was nowhere near what it was the last 2 months.  So I am making progress, even if it's not what I wanted or expected.  I have a script to go pick up in a few hours of 45mg of Klonipin (1.5/day) and and I have about 40+mg of Klonipin left over.  Even with the temptation of having way more klonipin than I need, I was able to make a lot of progress between this month and last month, which is heartening.  I am hoping that this month will be even better. 

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Kdawg

[[me...]]

Nice work. I've been reading all of your posts today and just wanted to commend you on your strength. You seem very committed to your taper and forgive yourself when things didn't go exactly as you planned. I know you are going to make this work. Stay focused on your end goal! I'm rooting for you.

[[ru...]]

How's the taper going kdawg?

[[th...]]

I've been more than a week into the actual taper, and I have to say that despite all of the cheering and hopefulness, I fell off the wagon.  Some days I have been taking double doses, and one day I took a triple dose.  It's horrible, but I did say I would be brutally honest and that's what I'm being.

 

I'm on 1.4 mg of Klonipin now according to my taper plan.

 

3 days ago I took 5mg.  I have to be honest.  It felt so nice.  I got so much work done.  *sigh*  The beast was with me that day.

2 days ago I took 3.5g, just because I felt bad about myself for messing up the day before and I couldn't shake the depression and self deprecation that comes with failing a taper.

Yesterday I nearly made my proper dose but at the end of the day I took an extra .5. 

 

It seems like this taper plan for me, at the moment, is failing.  I am trying to judge myself on levels of failure though.  If I failed less than last month, it's a winner. 

 

Today I took my proper amount and have three days coming up where I have no reason to take more than usual because I am so busy that I can barely even reach into my pocket to even take the pill rather than think about my anxiety.  My job as a Casino Dealer basically is mental focus over the complete 8 hour day and by the time I get home I am so tired that I can't think about anything but wanting to sleep.

 

So I fell off.  It's not the end of the world and someone I met from here and I agreed that it's better to go ahead and take the extra pill instead of laying in bed feeling like hell.  Maybe that's the wrong way to think, but that's my philosophy right now.  My stages of failure over the last 3 months have gotten drastically better, so I am making progress.  It's not the progress I would like, but as everyone says 'an addict will only stop when they are ready to stop'.  I feel like I'm ready, but it seems like my subconscious mind doesn't think so.  There's some part of me keeping me from being iron fisted in my dosages. 

 

I will still maintain my taper schedule, and the fact that the last half of January will see me with 13 out of 15 days working will help with regards to the taper.  I will be way too tired to worry about how I feel.  The worst are my days off, which are sometimes many, considering the state of Atlantic City right now, and those are the days I struggle the most.

 

Thanks for reading,

Kdawg

[[ru...]]

It's awesome that you are making progress, and I can see the point you are making.

 

But..

 

I believe what is making you "fall off the wagon" is that you have the excess of Klonopin.  I don't really think that it's healthy (going into a taper) with an extra months worth of medication.  I know it's almost like a comfort blanket, but you have to try and only have a months amount at a time.  I think you knew that this was going to happen.  I remember back from some of your former posts, that you felt really good about having the excess of Klonopin.  I know (being an addict myself) that if I had that excess, I would (and have) take more than I needed to as well. There is no harm in that - as a matter of fact, it's really great that you have admitted to being an addict.  That's the first "traditional step."

 

I'm not trying to discourage you in any way!  I really want you to succeed, and like I said before, you are very lucky to have not been taking Klonopin for too long.  Taking up to 5mgs of Klonopin a day would make me comatosed.  You need to be careful.

 

Now, you're saying that you feel as if you are ready to quit.  Take that step man!  If you want to taper, stop fishing for reasons to not taper!  Get that voice in the back of your head that drives you, to make you take only what you need to take for that day.  It's really easy once you start the process.  I'm sure that working as much as you do that you a very distracted while working.  That's a great tool to bank on a successful taper.  I work about 50+ hours a week, and it's the best distraction I have!

 

Have you been to an NA meeting at all?  I know it's not for everyone, but maybe you should check it out.  I've found a "real time" network of supportive people in the NA rooms.  I actually love going because it's almost like free therapy.  I wasn't too keen on it in the beginning, but grew to love it more than anything in the past two years.  It's almost like I have another family in the NA rooms.

 

Again, I want you to succeed!  I'll definitely be praying for ya!  You're journal is my favorite on this board, and I believe that you will make it through the rain.  I also admire your positive outlook in this process and your unwillingness to forfeit.  I can't wait to see you succeed - you're actually quite close! 

 

Reach out to me any time,

 

-Nick 

[[th...]]

Nick I think you are exactly right.  What I thought was going to help me with my taper is actually hurting me.  I'm all kinds of messed up and my taper doesn't even exist right now.  I'm just trying to get back to my normal dose right now.  We all think we're doctors of our own and it's really not working out for me.  The anxiety of being scared of running out was not working as inspiration to stay on track though, it was causing me to take more and therefore run out before my next script.

 

So at this point I'm fully failing my taper.  I have two weeks of very hard work coming up and I'm going to try to use that time to return to my original dose and then start tapering again.  You did hit the nail on the head though Nick.  Thanks for knowing and understanding.

[[th...]]

By the way no, I haven't been to an NA meeting.  I have the location and time of one programmed into my phone but as of yet I've been too scared to go.  Maybe it will help.  I just have to find the courage to get up and go.  It's less than 5 minutes away and they meet at pretty much a great time for my work schedule so I have no excuse other than my own personal fear of NA.  The higher power thing gets me.  I don't like talking religion in public (even internet) places but I'm a fairly hardcore agnostic and I have been offput by the higher power parts of NA meetings from years back.  It makes me not believe in all the steps if one of the steps is wrong for me.

[[ru...]]

I really feel for you man.  I really want you to succeed.  I haven't been having the greatest time.  I keep relapsing on alcohol every few weeks, so I do understand the struggle.  You seem like a really good respectful man!  YOU deserve to break these chains that are enslaving you into this addiction.

 

As for NA.  They don't base it on religion.  I've actually gotten scolded for talking about praying to GOD one time.  Really turned me off, but I understood it.  They focus on "Higher powers" and don't want you shoving religion down peoples throats.  It's actually very liberal.  No put intended, it's liberating.  I would strongly encourage you to go to a few meetings and just listen.  I really didn't want to go when I first started going, but then I found myself rearranging my schedules to attend the meetings.  It really helped me stay clean.  I then stopped going and have just recently started going back.  You will actually meet so many people that are in the same boat as you are, they can really help you through this.

 

If you don't wanna go, it's up to you!  I'm really rooting for you!  More than you know!

 

Keep it movin'!

 

-Nick

[[ru...]]

How's it going out there for you, Man? I've been thinking about ya'!

 

Sending positive vibes your way!

 

-Nick

[[th...]]

Thank you my friend! I feel like I'm letting you and everyone else down but I promised to be completely honest about my trials and tribulations during this taper.

 

I sucked.  It was a bad month.  Really bad month, average dose wise.  :'( 

 

This month I am going to pretend like last month didn't happen and go back to my original prescribed dosage and I know it's going to hurt, but I'm going to try, once again, to have nerves of steel and just DEAL with the issues.  I also drink coffee with sugar and I know that's not great for me.

 

I have kind of a problem in that I work nights, so on my nights off I have absolutely no-one to talk to.  It's just a dark house with maybe a computer where I obsess about this problem or that.  It's the time where my anxiety is the worst, when I know all of my friends and family are asleep.  So what's the natural decision for the addict here?  Maybe take a pill, maybe a few, and either feel better or fall asleep.  Problem fixed, right?  *sigh*

 

So that's my loop.  I can handle the pain and suffering of a taper cut when I have support, but much less so when I don't.  And early this month I didnt' work that much, so it was a lot of late nights where I had nothing but my own mind to drive me crazy. 

 

Two steps forward, one big step back.  Now I have to try to take even the slightest step forward.  I have enough K-pin to last me a month and a half at a proper dose while getting another month in a few days.  Problem is a proper dose hasn't been enough, so my supply drops quickly.  This creates a good problem as runnermc has pointed out.  It's a worry that if I go nuts and self medicate every small issue I have away, I'll soon be having a BIG problem.  It gives me a reason to stay on the proper dose. 

 

Right now the plan is to rapidly taper back down to my proper dose and hold.  If I don't get this done now or soon, I sincerely feel defeated.  I still have hope.  I still have the desire to do well, but I make poor choices in moments when that anxiety and fear grips me of having noone in the world to talk to.  Lets hope I can manage that better and learn to have the confidence that I used to.

 

[[ru...]]

Kdawg!  You've disappeared for over a month!  How are ya doing?  Hope you're doing well. 

 

I have the same "Loop" as you do.  "Idle hands are the devils playground."  I have to constantly keep myself busy, or I will obsess on ever little thing in my life - including this taper. 

 

I'm sending out some positive vibes for you bud.  Please keep it moving.  You haven't let me down, and I'm sure I speak for everyone here that no matter how many set-backs that you have - the ultimate goal is that you are getting where you want to be.  It'll come!  I'm routing for ya! 

 

Hope you return!

 

-Nick