12-18 month support

[[He...]]

I did see that post, FJ, and I've allowed myself more tears lately than ever before. I've never been a crier, so it's a challenge for me.

 

This tightness is different than my chest-only tightness from before. It's like I am clenching all my muscles in my abdomen. 

 

This wave is a doozy. So much anxiety, fear, pain, tightness, and shaking.

 

Sky, your cartilage pops and crackles too? Do you get the extreme tightness?

[[pa...]]

 

My cartilage has been crackly for quite a while now !!! I thought it was just me/old age and so on !!

 

 

 

I'm 41 and am cracking like crazy too.  I just started taking Type II collagen this week.  Will report back if I think it makes a difference.

[[mr...]]

I did see that post, FJ, and I've allowed myself more tears lately than ever before. I've never been a crier, so it's a challenge for me.

 

This tightness is different than my chest-only tightness from before. It's like I am clenching all my muscles in my abdomen. 

 

This wave is a doozy. So much anxiety, fear, pain, tightness, and shaking.

 

Sky, your cartilage pops and crackles too? Do you get the extreme tightness?

 

HH,

 

I'd often tell my hubby that I felt like I'd just gotten done doing a thousand sit-ups!! The good news? It gave me a bit of a "six-pack" look, workout-free!

 

Hey, its gonna pass. And sooner than you realize. Late waves out this far bring about more tears & frustration feelings because you're just so FREAKIN' ready to be done already! But late "doozy" waves also bring about big fat jumps in baseline...look at Dr. Jenn Leigh...July had her "back in year 1-2"...now she's got a major road trip planned for 2015...that's a HUGE jump in baseline!! You jus' wait 'n see, buddy...I'm gonna be sayin' "I tol' you so!" soon! Who knows? Maybe even this weekend!!!!

 

Mrs.

[Guest [su...]]

hey everyone..

 

can anyone tell me why i feel so dead in the mornings ?? is it depression?? i wake up with no emotions or feelings and feel bluh with a pain on either left or right side of brain.

 

do most people have their emotions back by 12 months and feel alive and joy and love? i'm getting scared they're not going to come back.

[[Wi...]]

Good Morning ... if you find 2:30 AM "morning" ... I got a good restful sleep for the first time in a week ... maybe this "cold" is breaking up ... will see how the day goes ...

 

Feel like I am getting "cleaned out" ... I am amazed how one person can "produce" so much "congestion" ...

 

Oh well ... it is what it is ...

 

Have a good Wednesday, Folks ...

 

Glad you appear to be on the mend.  Hope you get to feeling even better soon

[[pa...]]

WWI, you had a ruptured appendix?  I had this happen to me about 4 months ago.  Do you think it's related at all to benzos?

[[ga...]]

susse....From my experience at 18 months I can say it comes and goes.  Lately, I have the holiday season blues, feeling depressed.  Early morning wakeups at 2 to 4 a.m. Getting little sleep and feeling depressed.  Maybe situational, maybe do to w/d.  Don't have an answer for that.  This has been an on again off again pattern for me and I am sick and tired of it.  Sorry you're dealing with it also.  You are not alone.  It will get better.

[[...]]

Well here I am just completed one year off and I finding myself in need to reach out for help as many of us still do regardless our time frame. For months non stop cycling of depression/anxiety desperation anguish. Very few good days anymore. Sleep for the most part has been fair but 2-3 times a month I get close to zero sleep like last night. That sets off a cluster of unimaginable

(too many)symptoms.

 

Its very discouraging after one year, the thought of possibly another year at this relentless level.

 

I see my pdoc today and he will tell me;

 

You may not see it but your are improving;

Stay in the moment;

No way out but through it;

Distract;

Etc.....

 

My problem in this recovery is and always have been the psych sxs mainly agonizing depression hopelessness as well as anxiety. Never had either one until coming off the pills.

 

So that is my place in recovery today, much like everyday. Thanks for listening!

 

Merry Christmas to all

 

[[ga...]]

Jrod....I know how you feel as I am experiencing pretty much exactly what you are.  The lack of sleep and depression have been relentless the past couple of weeks.  Some nights no sleep others 3 to 4 hours if lucky. Being the holiday season I suspect some of this is holiday blues.  Just know that you are not alone.  We will make it through this even though at times you can't imagine that.  When in bed in those early morning hours it is the worst for me.  At times, I just wish I would die.  I just can't dig out of the hole.  Once morning comes, I push, and do the best I can to do what I have to do to get through the day.  I fear the nights lately as it seems to have become an early morning habit.  I just hold onto hope that the pattern will break before long.

 

Best to you during this difficult time.

 

Garton

[[Wi...]]

WWI, you had a ruptured appendix?  I had this happen to me about 4 months ago.  Do you think it's related at all to benzos?

Thats certainly a miserable experience isn't it?  I could be wrong about this but I'm thinking maybe it's the one thing that isn't benzo related lol.  But again, i could certainly be wrong.

[[...]]

Thx gart;

Yes the longer I stay in bed thinking of my predicament the spiraling takes hold.

It does get where we are on the constant edge. I know you where doing better few weeks or months ago and that place will come back. It just takes to darn long!

[[Co...]]

Jrod and garton, I'm in the same boat. At 14.5 months out I got hit with a wave worse than acute and I'm still in it at 15.5 months out. I just can't believe it! I was getting better and now this.

[[...]]

Yes cool I get it totally! Unfortunately I can't say I've gone from better to worse in the past 6 months.

If you've been there you'll get there ! It's just so tough not knowing when.

[[Mi...]]

There's a lot of people having a tough time right now; I write paragraph three not to gloat, but to spread hope, which seems to be in short supply for some right now.

 

During my 12th month I felt pretty bad all the time, the 1 year mark was a quite a disappointing time for me.  That was a major goal, yet I felt empty and hopeless as all my SX were elevated compared to month 11.  Thanksgiving was absolutely horrible up until early this month.  I hit 14 months on the 10th of this month, and again, felt pretty darn bad, lots of intense waves, pain, fatigue, cog fog, DIZZINESS!  Around the 10th I wrote about how bad things things were for me, and how I guessed that waves that bad are surely leading to a new baseline soon....

 

A couple days ago I shared a new milestone which was feeling 80% from start to finish both Sunday and Monday.  Yesterday wasn't the greatest but it was very tolerable.  I am pleased to say today has been 80% great since I woke up.  Having three great days out of four is unheard of up to this point.  It took me a week into month 15 to get this break, but it finally came!  Am I new man good to go?  Nope.  Will there be more BS?  Oh I'm sure.  Can I let that bring me down?  Nope.

 

These really tough times late in recovery really do mean something positive is about to happen.  I learned that from others like you, and kept the faith as best I could because of people like you.

 

I'm sorry so many of you are struggling, I hear you, I really do.  Just try to keep pushing yourself.  Try to push the fatigue away, the pain, the depression.  Try to ignore the anxiety, try to find the faith.  Faith is something I have lost at times during this process many times, but I can always come back to BB and find it again in you guys.  As you can see I don't post very much, but you can bet I read just as much as anyone here.  Understanding that not feeling normal is perfectly normal has taken away so much fear I had at the start of this journey.

 

It doesn't matter if you're 12 months out or 18+, try to find faith in how my week has been going so far.  I have found faith through you.

 

[[Fi...]]

Great post, Mike.  Thanks for taking the time!

[[je...]]

Question-- do you guys think after we heal we will actually feel better and stronger that before because we will have new gabba receptors?? Just a thought because I hear some people say after they heal, they feel better than ever. Sure would be nice wouldn't it...

[[...]]

Thx MJ  great to hear your  your doing well and improving . Keep spreading the hope!

Jrod

[[Fi...]]

Well, this is my hope, Jenny!  Hadn't thought about it in terms of the science of the receptors and all that.  I'm just noticing that now I am a person who can sleep through the night WITHOUT Xanax and it seems like my brain is coming back sharper in ways I hadn't expected.  I thought I was just getting old!  So, yeah, to be a Pollyanna about it, I'm almost glad I had to go through the hell of opioid withdrawal, because if I hadn't been so desperate to figure out why I wasn't healing, I might not have thought to quit the Xanax.  It was only when I quite CT that I realized I had actually been hooked, and then later, reading everybody's posts, realized that some stuff I'd been dealing with before was probably Xanax tolerance.  For me, the cherry on the top of the cake of healing would be to dump this weight and get into better shape than ever.  That was the whole point of getting a new knee!

[[je...]]

Hi fj, I think it will all work out with the weight. Not sure if you saw the post I made for you a few pages back about it, but yeah its very frustrating. I think my mind is slowly starting to come back sharper too, so let's keep our fingers crossed

 

Jrod-- the fact that you never had anxiety or depression before benzos screams out loud to me that you are 100% dealing with w/d and it will pass once you are healed. Keep the faith, the second year should be a ton better for you! Congrats on 1 year off

 

Jenny 

[[Co...]]

HH....I am just a]roach in month 14 ( Jan. 4)  and I got hit like a ton of bricks with the back, rib, shoulder, neck and chest pain ( also legs and hips). I honestly feel like I have been run over by a truck. I think I started complaining on the forum about it maybe a week or so ago.. maybe 8 days ago. It was so painful when it first came on that I could barely move and my stand by pain relief of lavender Epsome salts hot bath soaks didn't even help. ...Now at day 7/8 it is still here but better. ...It is truly awful, but it let's up. I can't even tell you anything that really helped.  maybe aspirin was the one thing that helped somewhat. I took aspirin and soaked in a hot bath in the morning and did the same at night before bed. .

.....So sorry you are,having a go around with this.  I hope it let's up for you soon... Wishing you some relief ... cooo

[[Fi...]]

Jenny--yeah I read your weight post and thought I'd answered at length but now I can't find my answer. Probably didn't say anything worthwhile!

 

Coop, sympathy to you for this rough patch. 

[[Co...]]

MJ.  That's a great post.. We need to hear from people who are feeling better. It does not at all come through as gloating..I hear it as much needed encouragement to keep believing that we are going to be better. ..and Yes, knowing that not normal is the new normal really helps us tamp down some fear.

.....I also am approaching month 14 and overall feelin improved. Like you I still have s/x and bad days, but my baseline is about 90% . I was really relieved to read that you did not get 2 back to back good days until after month 12. That seems to be a theme that many of us are struggling with.  feeling better...even better baselines but still unpredictable stretches of s/x. The  on-linear healing with the good day/ bad day seems to be the bane of late healing.

    Glad to hear that you are doing so much better ...thank you for taking the time to post encouragement to us. ....coop

[[He...]]

HH....I am just a]roach in month 14 ( Jan. 4)  and I got hit like a ton of bricks with the back, rib, shoulder, neck and chest pain ( also legs and hips). I honestly feel like I have been run over by a truck. I think I started complaining on the forum about it maybe a week or so ago.. maybe 8 days ago. It was so painful when it first came on that I could barely move and my stand by pain relief of lavender Epsome salts hot bath soaks didn't even help. ...Now at day 7/8 it is still here but better. ...It is truly awful, but it let's up. I can't even tell you anything that really helped.  maybe aspirin was the one thing that helped somewhat. I took aspirin and soaked in a hot bath in the morning and did the same at night before bed. .

.....So sorry you are,having a go around with this.  I hope it let's up for you soon... Wishing you some relief ... cooo

 

Hi Coop,

Today has actually been a really good day, even after starting off pretty rough this morning after a night of not great sleep.    Up, down, up, down continues...but eventually it will land on UP!  Hit by a truck is an apt description, and then suddenly it disappeared again.  That is the true sign of it being benzo withdrawal, I suppose. 

I'm looking forward to a great night of sleep tonight.  My bed is starting to call my name, even though it's not even 8:00 yet.   

 

Thanks for all your support!! 

[[Co...]]

FJ, ..thanks. my body pain is a lot better today..who know why, it's just letting up. Now some d/r has set up camp. I don't get it very often and this little wave of it is up there on the weird scale but it isn't inviting it's sibling anxiety to the party so for that I am grateful. ..All in all it is still so much better than it was even a month ago...

...I am taking so much encouragement from everyone who is posting ' improvement ... in spite of cycling sx and good day/bad day patterns'. Seems like that seems to be the mantra of the beginning of year 2. 

....Wishing all of us who are ' Sleepless everywhere' some straight through sleep tonight.  coop

[[He...]]

Hi Everyone,

After my last several posts of pure rant and fear, I have to share that I had a really good day today.  Just like that my anxiety, my pain, my fear switched off and I had a day of simply feeling good.    It was busy, productive, had times of joy and times of aggravation...and through it all I felt NORMAL.  I realize that my baseline is really, really high.  If it's not 100%, then it is darn close.  Now if ONLY it would stay there!   

 

I dearly hope you all have had a good day, too. 

HH