12-18 month support

[[Fi...]]

Sky, I read the exercise article.  I don't think I have this cortisol issue everyone talks about.  My symptoms are sometimes just like the flu, with paralyzing body aches, and who exercises when they have the flu?  I used to be a person who felt like jumping on my little trampoline for 20 minutes was as good as popping some happy pill.  It doesn't seem like it's worked that way for me in opioid/benzo withdrawal.  If I dragged myself to the gym or dance class when I was down, I would still be down when I was done.

 

Now I have given up trying to make those classes or go to the gym.  I'm just trying to do what I think of Working My Program here at home which just means going through the list of healthy behaviours if I can.  Today so far (1:00 pm here) all I've managed is a twenty minute walk around my trees in the sunshine, listening to my tape on anger and forgiveness, having an extra glass of water, and doing some connecting here on the BB board.  I don't really expect the exercise to speed recovery, I'm just hoping it will slightly stall my alarming weight gain. 

 

Healing wishes to all....

[[Gr...]]

Speaking of Northofhere!, here's the buddy, whose withdrawal journey and post history is my favorite, here is her most recent update, as of today

 

I hope you enjoy it!

 

So- my last success update was a year ago. I have posted in other threads here and there, but wanted to update this thread for those of you who need that confirmation that healing can happen. I am now three years out. I have forgotten, until I read these old posts, how truly far things have come. I am back to my old self. I exercise when motivated, watch scary movies, eat some junk, drink a bit of wine and have taken over the counter pain relief- which I avoided for years now. I am back to my old anxious self, which is nothing compared to the terrified withdrawal self I was. I managed to finish grad school, and am on to a PhD, did not lose my job, in spite of some unbelievably bad days. Most of what I went through was so intense, yet only really noticeable by me, not others. I do not wake up freaked out, and I am no longer dizzy 24/7.

If I could give one statement, and only one, of advice, it would be to stay the course, regardless of what weird stuff withdrawal throws at you. Keep reminding yourself its all part of your own personal healing process, its not something wrong, its the path to getting right again.

I am entering the holiday season, and ever so grateful I made it past w/d and into the light again. But the truth is, that was never in question. Healing was always the end result, waiting to happen. I just needed to stay the course, and keep shuffling and stumbling and weaving like a drunken sailor to the finish line.

I'm there, and at some point you will be too. Til then,

north

 

MRs, thanks for posting this !

 

Green, I am so sorry for you night, today I am having very strong bad vibrations myself, they are horrid. I am still in the on off  days, less symptoms one day hell the next phase. whY IS IT  so hard to write for me or even put the thought together, this is insane ? WHat kind of sadist would think up such a cruel symptom ?aS soon as I want to talk about some serious topic of wd, my fingers become lifeless chunks of meat, arrrggh ! My CNS is afraid of me venting ?  Ok, sorry about that.

 

THis day yes, day no, things has been going on for 2 months now, I read somewhere that that is as long as it should last, but it is not ending yet.

 

A new fascinating symptom is food tasting bad again. THis time, after 12 months, this time it tasted like it has gone slightly bad, slightly rotten. At first I believed it was actually that way, but then mr Sky told me he tasted nothing, at most it was not as fresh as it was before. So new thing ? anybody else enjoying this new development ?

 

My heart is really bad today, uff.

My HAnd made Christmas cards are ready, they are so simple, there is no way of tellling the oh so much hard work and planning that went in them, but you can see the love, clearly.  These cards will be my gifts, given that I am on a budget courtesy of benzo wd! Will post them here as soon as possible, I want to send you guys my wishes .

 

Ok, I have a couple of lessons today and then I get the rest of the day " free ". See you around, heal on !

 

Sky, my dear friend, I am so sorry, sometimes these things last forever.  But after a long, long one like this, you will be rewarded with amazing mental clarity.  Hold on.

 

I can't wait to see your X-mas cards.  I remember you're Gone Fishing drawing for GMIT.  I thought it was lovely, quirky.  I can't draw at all

 

As for taste, no, that's not the issue.  Smell, however, is haywire.  Sometimes things smell so awful it gives me a headache, and no one else seems to notice.  Another gift, with love, from benzo withdrawal.

 

When will you start your vacation?

[[Gr...]]

Susan ... the vibrations are hard for me to deal with ... when they show up I usually have to get up for a while ... and the "anticipation" of them when I settle down to rest is "not good" ...

 

And sometimes they never show up ... and sometimes they start to appear and I still fall asleep ... go figure ...

 

We endure ... we come out the other side ...

 

Be well ...

 

Michael

 

 

Did you ever find a satisfactory explanation of what they are, why we get them?  I read somewhere nerve regeneration. I don't know how accurate that is.  They are a symptom from hell, though. 

[[Gr...]]

Garton, so glad to know you are doing better in spite of the morning depression and anxiety ( mine has just recently improved reliably in the last month....month 13). I have such huge respect for you and Peace and HH..and anyone else who is working through this.

....Just a note about the looping thoughts and the inability to 'be in the moment'.  it lifts... all of a sudden your mind comes back. It happens on its own ...in spite of what you do or do not do. If I had one message of encouragement for people it would be that... healing comes about on its own . It honestly does. I am in the same space as Green ( we are within 2 weeks of the same jump date). My clarity has returned...reliably. I am still having some mild to moderate sx , but they are manageable and transient. .. I truly believe this will happen for all of us.  Endurance ,acceptance ,self care and whatever strategies,help you endure are the things that get us through each day....and BBs.

.. Garton , I remember in June ( the very beginning of month 7) I went to my grandson's spring performance at his school. My head was exploding with burning head pressure, my anxiety was reaching panic and I had d/r so bad I really couldn't hear very well ...no way was I anywhere except trapped silently screaming in my benzo misery. ... however I relive that moment now over and over and am so glad I went. Yes, I feel robbed that I was unable to connect and be in the moment at the time but today the memory of it makes me happy today.

....Garton you are doing so good.  And the awful mind warp is going to go away.  Congratulations on your daughter's graduation. ...You are going to heal and you and your wife are both going to have your lives back..  coop

 

Coop, what you said up there, absolutely.  What I'm getting now can be intense, but it's mostly transient.  And I have the mental clarity, the ability to reason, cope.  So today I realized I had looping, repetitious thoughts, the harpies, as FinallyJoining calls them.  I realized it was the second day, and I was able to put  stop to them by realizing they're withdrawal, not real.  Plus whatever other stuff is going on.

 

And Gart, I have a lot of DP/DR, warped thinking still, on and off. When I need to go to an event,  I get stern with myself and just say "act as if" right now, and take pictures.  It's enough that you're there.  You're doing your best.

[[Gr...]]

Green...just want to say hi to you ...I bet you are getting Christmas underway and enjoying your great baseline

....doing a happy dance for you....coop

 

And I for you, my friend.  Not all smooth sailing, but this better baseline is a gift from heaven.  At least I can participate in my life.  Huge difference. 

[[Gr...]]

Hi Folks ... okay, fine ... so having a cold is "normal" ... after three days, "normal" sucks ... 

 

Odd, how this thing I occasionally refer to as my mind wants to bugger off every time a little "inconvenience" shows up ... and hijacks my memory with it ... and in come the bouncing, joyous "lies" ... real quick this can get more chaotic than a roller derby where half of them are skating backwards ...

 

Okay, settle down ... this too shall pass ...

 

And this is really crazy ... I found myself actually wishing for the "good old days" a while ago ... scrambled eggs looks "coherent" after some of my "thinking" sometimes ...

 

Need to put up a sign ... just can't decide what to put on it ... how about ... "Hey Goof-nik ... Breathe" ...

 

Hoping you all are having a good Sunday ...

 

 

Yeah, Michael, I'm having a hard time with "reality" checks.  It's very confusing, am I having really profound thoughts, or am I just running in circles with withdrawal thinking?  I think both, but they bleed into each other, and I have to know when to cut it off.  It's a challenge

 

1 qt. of orange juice and about 10,000 units of Vitamin C is my cure for a cold, pre-benzo anyway.

 

Feel better

:smitten:

 

[[Gr...]]

Buddies-- I have a confession to make.  I read all your stories and feel so bad that you're having such a hard time, but I'm kind of feeling like an outsider in that I really don't relate to so many of the symptoms you describe.  I think this means some of my ongoing stuff has to do with opioid withdrawal (23 months off)  and not the benzo.  I can't in good conscious write reassuring posts that I used to have such and such a symptom and now it's gone because I never did have these vibrations everyone talks  about or the derealization, dizziness, head pressure, tingling in the feet etc.  What I do very much relate to is the rollercoaster nature of the healing process and the psychological agony of the deep pits.  I have been sleeping pretty well most of the time since two months of Cold Ting the Xanax.  (I'm 15 1/2 months off now).  The out of the blue attacks of physical anxiety seem to be abating.

 

I'm thinking it might be of comfort to you all to hear that the symptoms I HAVE related to Xanax are definitely going away.  I feel my mind is perfectly sharp again.  In fact, I think I'm feeling sharper than I did since before I got into my five year habit of taking Xanax to sleep as needed.  This is great news because I had written off a lot of the fogginess to aging (I'm 63) and now I see it was probably the Xanax.  Also, I had been a person who felt I needed that half tab of Xanax in the middle of the night to go back to sleep.  I didn't see how I was making my brain dependent on it.  Now I sleep through the night most of the time.  Doesn't that seem miraculous?  I'm actually grateful for having trouble with Oxycodone withdrawal because if it weren't for that, who knows how long I'd have wanted to keep Xanax in my little toolkit for dealing with life, as I thought of it, just making myself worse and worse.

 

I was in a perfect window yesterday for my grandson's 1st birthday party and that was great.  Felt good enough to plan to make a drive with my husband to check out some of our forest property today, but I'm back in a wave and stayed home.  I know I'm healing though, because I can feel sick and be down and even have a good cry at once again finding I am completely unrepresented as even having been at this party in the photographic evidence  but hey, I hate how I look these days with the extra weight I've gained so, who cares?

 

I'm going to go read that case for exercise and see if it motivates me to get on my bike.

 

Sorry so many of you are still having so much trouble, but I do believe from the evidence given by those who've gone before that you will eventually see an end to this!

 

FJ

 

Sounds like you're getting better, FJ!  I'm so happy to hear.  Glad you could enjoy the grandson's party.

[[Gr...]]

Sky, I read the exercise article.  I don't think I have this cortisol issue everyone talks about.  My symptoms are sometimes just like the flu, with paralyzing body aches, and who exercises when they have the flu?  I used to be a person who felt like jumping on my little trampoline for 20 minutes was as good as popping some happy pill.  It doesn't seem like it's worked that way for me in opioid/benzo withdrawal.  If I dragged myself to the gym or dance class when I was down, I would still be down when I was done.

 

Now I have given up trying to make those classes or go to the gym.  I'm just trying to do what I think of Working My Program here at home which just means going through the list of healthy behaviours if I can.  Today so far (1:00 pm here) all I've managed is a twenty minute walk around my trees in the sunshine, listening to my tape on anger and forgiveness, having an extra glass of water, and doing some connecting here on the BB board.  I don't really expect the exercise to speed recovery, I'm just hoping it will slightly stall my alarming weight gain. 

 

Healing wishes to all....

 

Sky and FJ, I totally relate on the exercise.  In withdrawal I found the "feel good" component of exercise, the endorphins kicking in, just didn't seem to happen.  It still doesn't.  when I went to the gym, my cortisol got out of control, I just stopped sleeping.  That was a while ago, though.  But they say we should do something.  And I always have.  Just taking a walk.  Or riding the bike.  I think that's enough for me.  Like everything else in withdrawal, you will absolutely know, without a doubt, when you're ready, when it's okay.

[[No...]]

Susan ... the vibrations ... haven't heard the "nerve regeneration" thingie ... for the little it's worth, I would say I have my doubts ...

 

For me, they only come round when I am relaxed and falling asleep ... so ... I would vote "chemical" ... one of the falling asleep pathways ... and "mentally" the process gets attached to fear of falling asleep .. the "I will never wake up" sort of thing ...

 

Weird stuff ... and I have never had the "vibrations" at any other time ... get lots of the "dreadies", but they are a different "flavour" ...

 

And oftentimes ... profundity and running in circles share the same moment ...

 

Tried Tylenol Cold remedy ... knocked out my symptoms and I think the antihistamine part made my loopy for half hour or so ... needed some relief ... vitamin c sends me over the moon ... knocking out the nasal and throat stuff showed me there is some wavey stuff going on in the background ... oh well ... walk and chew gum at the same time ...

 

Be well ...

 

Michael

[[Co...]]

Green!!.....it HAS to be w/d...I could have written your above post myself. Yes, some mild/moderate transient depression and d/r .  flashes of anxiety and health fears....they're here....and then. .they're gone. You said it...it's the baseline and clarity that enabe me to pick up living again. Like you, it's not all put together yet...not 100% yet...but I am inching towards reliable healing....yep an absolute gift from heaven and we are all going to heal.  My physical body pain is ha ginger on but not as intense as it was 4 days ago.

...  One short month ago I would not have believed this could happen.  I just want this for everyone....coop

[[He...]]

Hi everyone,

I got slammed with a wave yesterday, that was made much worse due to a major stressor. Those of you from the beginning of the 6-12 month thread may remember when I posted about the very real possibility of losing our house? It's still in legal limbo on one side, with the lawyers saying it's illegal for a variety of reasons connected to those large settlements over bank mismanagement with mortgages that happened earlier in the year, but on the other side they are going ahead with foreclosure paperwork. We got notice that it is scheduled to be auctioned in May. My anxiety was already up from a wave, and getting that lovely bit of news made yesterday's wave over the top. Lots of intense fear, anxiety, depression, body aches, pretty much the works. Today I am calmer again but my body feels like I've been hit by a Mack truck, with some residual anxiety and depression. I feel like I'm sick...benzo-fluish. And with the health anxiety raising its head for good measure. Sucky, sucky, sucky!  :'(

 

Yes, there is HUGE stress that comes with this situation, but I can feel the "chemical-ness" that tells me it is also a benzo caused wave. Remarkably, I was able to mostly sleep last night....I woke up often, but could get back to sleep fairly quickly. I allowed myself a good, hard cry in the shower when Mr HH and my girls ran an errand.

 

Despite my horrible wave, I took my youngest to 3 basketball games (she played in 2), ate dinner at my parents (trying to sit at a family dinner when you just want to unzip from your skin and run screaming into the night? Brutal.), did lots of cleaning and laundry, and wait up for Mr HH and oldest to get home from traveling to a basketball tournament. Today I have written 2 papers and we will be decorating the tree after dinner. I'm trying to feel normal, but I don't. At the moment I have escaped into my tub with Epsom salts to hopefully alleviate some of this muscle/cartilage pain. 

 

I say this because last year I didn't participate in picking out or decorating the tree because I felt so sick. The weird thing is I don't even REMEMBER missing out on that! Unbelievable. What a difference a year makes in healing....even on crappy, crappy days.

 

Next week will be busy and stressful at school, with the schedule all messed up and lots of Christmas activities. I have fear that I won't be able to handle it, but I know I will.

 

I cherish the healing I have done, and my baseline days are 100%, but I just would love to have a solid month of baseline days in a row! Up, down, up, down...and so it goes.

 

Anyway, I guess I shared all that about my scary financial situation to tell people that healing can still happen amidst terrible personal stress. We've been dealing with this for almost the whole time of my recovery.

 

Ok....the tacos are almost ready and it's time to wipe the tears from my eyes, put on a smile for my girls, and finish up the evening's "fun".  I wish today was a baseline day and it really WOULD be fun.

[[Fi...]]

HH-- I am SO SORRY you are going through this.  Your home being threatened would be awful even if you were perfectly healthy.  I'm glad to hear that at least you feel improved from last year.  This is my third Christmas in this and I'm starting to lose track!

 

:smitten:FJ

[[je...]]

HH-- my heart goes out to you, this can be so hard. I admire you so much being able to work, participate with all your daughters sports etc. I think you are very brave, and you are doing an amazing job with your healing. For you to be able to accomplish all you did today despite being in a wave and dealing with your foreclosure stressors proves you are making major strides! Better days are coming! Jenny

[[Gr...]]

Green!!.....it HAS to be w/d...I could have written your above post myself. Yes, some mild/moderate transient depression and d/r .  flashes of anxiety and health fears....they're here....and then. .they're gone. You said it...it's the baseline and clarity that enabe me to pick up living again. Like you, it's not all put together yet...not 100% yet...but I am inching towards reliable healing....yep an absolute gift from heaven and we are all going to heal.  My physical body pain is ha ginger on but not as intense as it was 4 days ago.

...  One short month ago I would not have believed this could happen.  I just want this for everyone....coop

 

Coop, your lips to God's ears.  The body pain, DP/DR, whatever is coming at me, I can do this, like this..  Whatever happened here, I can't put it into words, because apparently I still get the DP/DR, but my brain is online, or something -- I don't know what it is.  I just know whatever symptoms I have are child's play in comparison to what I've had the whole last 12 months.  I don't know what it was, but it basically shifted on a dime, it left with my last big wave.  And I've had some tough stuff, the nighttime internal vibes, horrible symptom -- but it's different, it's like somehow the grownups are handling things now.  I was like a wailing baby before.  If we can hold onto whatever "this" is...

[[Gr...]]

Susan ... the vibrations ... haven't heard the "nerve regeneration" thingie ... for the little it's worth, I would say I have my doubts ...

 

For me, they only come round when I am relaxed and falling asleep ... so ... I would vote "chemical" ... one of the falling asleep pathways ... and "mentally" the process gets attached to fear of falling asleep .. the "I will never wake up" sort of thing ...

 

Weird stuff ... and I have never had the "vibrations" at any other time ... get lots of the "dreadies", but they are a different "flavour" ...

 

And oftentimes ... profundity and running in circles share the same moment ...

 

Tried Tylenol Cold remedy ... knocked out my symptoms and I think the antihistamine part made my loopy for half hour or so ... needed some relief ... vitamin c sends me over the moon ... knocking out the nasal and throat stuff showed me there is some wavey stuff going on in the background ... oh well ... walk and chew gum at the same time ...

 

Be well ...

 

Michael

 

Yeah, vibrations only come at night, me, too.

 

I'm not surprised you're still wavy, whenever vibrations are around, something's going on.

 

Hope that cold runs its course soon.

 

sue

[[Gr...]]

Hi everyone,

I got slammed with a wave yesterday, that was made much worse due to a major stressor. Those of you from the beginning of the 6-12 month thread may remember when I posted about the very real possibility of losing our house? It's still in legal limbo on one side, with the lawyers saying it's illegal for a variety of reasons connected to those large settlements over bank mismanagement with mortgages that happened earlier in the year, but on the other side they are going ahead with foreclosure paperwork. We got notice that it is scheduled to be auctioned in May. My anxiety was already up from a wave, and getting that lovely bit of news made yesterday's wave over the top. Lots of intense fear, anxiety, depression, body aches, pretty much the works. Today I am calmer again but my body feels like I've been hit by a Mack truck, with some residual anxiety and depression. I feel like I'm sick...benzo-fluish. And with the health anxiety raising its head for good measure. Sucky, sucky, sucky!  :'(

 

Yes, there is HUGE stress that comes with this situation, but I can feel the "chemical-ness" that tells me it is also a benzo caused wave. Remarkably, I was able to mostly sleep last night....I woke up often, but could get back to sleep fairly quickly. I allowed myself a good, hard cry in the shower when Mr HH and my girls ran an errand.

 

Despite my horrible wave, I took my youngest to 3 basketball games (she played in 2), ate dinner at my parents (trying to sit at a family dinner when you just want to unzip from your skin and run screaming into the night? Brutal.), did lots of cleaning and laundry, and wait up for Mr HH and oldest to get home from traveling to a basketball tournament. Today I have written 2 papers and we will be decorating the tree after dinner. I'm trying to feel normal, but I don't. At the moment I have escaped into my tub with Epsom salts to hopefully alleviate some of this muscle/cartilage pain. 

 

I say this because last year I didn't participate in picking out or decorating the tree because I felt so sick. The weird thing is I don't even REMEMBER missing out on that! Unbelievable. What a difference a year makes in healing....even on crappy, crappy days.

 

Next week will be busy and stressful at school, with the schedule all messed up and lots of Christmas activities. I have fear that I won't be able to handle it, but I know I will.

 

I cherish the healing I have done, and my baseline days are 100%, but I just would love to have a solid month of baseline days in a row! Up, down, up, down...and so it goes.

 

Anyway, I guess I shared all that about my scary financial situation to tell people that healing can still happen amidst terrible personal stress. We've been dealing with this for almost the whole time of my recovery.

 

Ok....the tacos are almost ready and it's time to wipe the tears from my eyes, put on a smile for my girls, and finish up the evening's "fun".  I wish today was a baseline day and it really WOULD be fun.

 

HH, I am so, so sorry.  Whatever happens, I think you are well enough to deal with it now.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.  This is hard, in so many ways.

[[mr...]]

(((((HealingHope)))))

 

Love to you girl. The door may be closing in one place, but a new one opens at the same time. It could be viewed as a nice, fresh start in a fresh, new place that has no benzo withdrawal memories attached to it -- and that might prove to be quite a hearty blessing

 

Happy holidays to you all! I hope to still "see" you all this week!

 

Mrs.

[[Fi...]]

Hi buddies--have any of you concerned yourself with or researched the subject of adrenal fatigue?  I was just reading about it on that old thread.  The fact that I might be suffering from this has occurred to me before, especially since fatigue recently became one of my worst symptoms.  But when I check out the basic sites like Mayo.clinic, of course they say it's not a proven diagnosis.  Since the cure seems to be rest, avoidance of stress, good food and moderate exercise, I'm not so sure it matters whether some test proves this or not.  On the Wickipedia site it claims that the very label was coined by some doc in 1998 or thereabouts.  Oh, really?  In some old Christmas cards we were sorting out, we found a note on a Christmas card written to my husband's mother in around 1958  saying she had just recovered from "adrenal fatigue."  She wrote that for a long time doctors hadn't known what was the matter with her so it was a relief when they figured it out.  She was pleased she had taken "no fancy pills," just rest and good nutrition and some supplements.  Huh. 

 

Well, I have to go see my regular GP tomorrow just as a check to keep my thyroid meds coming.  I haven't seen her in over a year.  I quit going in with any kind of gripe because she was sceptical that I had withdrawal issues.  I'm uptight about seeing her.  Part of me wants to educate her for the sake of her future patients but another part of me just wants to get through the visit with my dignity intact.  I could easily start crying because I feel so bad about her apparent indifference.  It's a story too long to tell here (it'll be in my book) but I had a horrid encounter with a "pain specialist doc" I got her to refer me to, a guy in her own clinic system.  She put down I had lower back pain, probably thinking that was the right insurance code.  I never said anything but that I was looking for help for post acute withdrawal syndrome.  The pain guy was a monster.  Worst doc ever.  Right off he was in a rage that I'd been sent to him.  "How long have you been seeing this doctor, anyway?"  I realize now he had me pegged for a drug seeker.  I wrote a letter of outraged protest which I mailed to 11 different people at the clinic including my "GP and I refused to pay his bill.  I couldn't believe my GP couldn't pick up the phone and check on me after this.  My massage person works as a nurse in the hospital's psych unit and says this doc is always so good about calling to check on her patients.  Ha!  Made me feel like I had to go ahead and attempt suicide and wind up there to get any kindness out of her.  Just toughing it out over and over rates nothing.

 

I better quit writing.  I'm probably making my blood pressure spike right now.  I will take my husband with me.  I think I can behave myself better with him as a witness!!!

 

[[Gr...]]

Neurasthenia, rather than adrenal fatigue?  The following wiki reference describes it as mental, but I've seen it referred to as nervous exhaustion, burnout from being overstressed, overtaxed, where it's considered physiological, rather than psychiatric.

 

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=4&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CDYQFjAD&url=http%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FNeurasthenia&ei=_ZOOVPK4B8OZgwT-x4GQCw&usg=AFQjCNFD0kWx6L4GBYpoy_RRRl0QCk8I5w&bvm=bv.81828268,d.eXY

[[Fi...]]

Thanks, Green, but I'm worried that your reply at this hour must mean you're awake when you'd rather be asleep!   Sorry about that.

[[Wi...]]

I need some input from my buddies.  I am looking for help to try to  identify what may be w/d and what may not be w/d for me.  At almost 18 months out after an especially hard, drawn out taper, while things have certainly improved, there are things that have not.  My biggest challenge is that I'm constantly afraid.  There are moments of reprieve but mostly I am afraid.  It is affecting my relationships and my life. Stress makes it worse and when I get really stressed which doesn't take as much as one would think, I get scared which often leads me to be angry and agitated. 

 

I also find I withdraw from people.  I no longer am the funny, charming smart woman I was and seem to be just a scared, frightened woman.  I don't really know what to do about this.  I'm not very trusting of the psychology/psychiatry world as a result of my experiences over the last several years.  But I'm afraid I'm going to wear out my welcome with the people in my life now, simply because instead of being warm, loving, charming, funny I'm just a frightened woman.

 

So I'm looking to hear if either others experience any of this OR if you have any suggestions on how to deal with this.  I have been practicing meditation and present thinking for some time.  I also do a lot of breathing exercises. I'm trying to journal more.  I've tried to get therapy a couple of times, but have not found that helpful at all.

 

Any thoughts? Your input is hugely appreciated!

 

WWWI

 

 

[[Fi...]]

Wise Woman-- I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so bad.  To be honest, I can't say I'm afraid.  At almost 16 months out I actually feel quite calm and feel like my brain is coming back better than before I took Xanax.  BUT....I was really taking a very small amount of Xanax...like 1.5 mg PER WEEK.  Your dose of Ativan seems like much much more, right?  It doesn't seem strange that you'd be feeling worse longer.

 

It really seems to me that if you were a funny, charming person before, there's no reason you shouldn't be her again!  It must be withdrawal.  What else would just be coming on concurrently?  Plus, having just read an eye opening book called Anatomy of an Epidemic, the last thing you'd want to do is see if more psych meds might fix you.  They are clearly NOT the answer.

 

This book is an indictment of Psychiatry in general and I have never liked honest to goodness shrinks.  The few times in my life I've actually sat in the office of one, they've never done anything but try to make me cough up deep dark stories of childhood abuse or maternal dissatisfaction when there was nothing to tell.

 

Regular old counsellors or therapists are a different story for me.  Have you tried one?  I love the woman I see now and credit her with helping me hang onto myself.  I started seeing her when I was about 7 months off of Oxycodone and all my nearest relationships seemed in dire danger.  I just seriously needed help dealing with this.  She had no experience with clients going off of opioids and when I cold turkeyed Xanax shortly after our first visit, I remember her saying, "Jesus!  Sometimes you scare me!"  She has actually been learning what benzo withdrawal looks like from me.  The very fact that she BELIEVES what I tell her and roots for me is so affirming.  After seeing her for four months I stopped because I felt like I was getting well.  My husband now understood what was going on with me and we weren't fighting anymore.  After another five months, though, I went back to her, because new stresses had come up in my life.  Now I intend to keep seeing her until I'm absolutely well and this is in my rear view mirror.

 

I have not been as lucky in my doctors and envy the few people who have docs who know and are sympathetic about benzo withdrawal.  I wish I could send everybody to my counsellor because now she knows what this is all about and she's watched me struggle and get better without chasing down all the physical symptoms and trying other meds.

 

So, I'd suggest trying to find a counsellor.  Also, about the fear thing, have you seen the books by Dr. Burns, FEELING GOOD and, earlier, THE FEELING GOOD HANDBOOK?  He's kind of the king of cognitive behavioural therapy and has exercises you can do to kind of psych yourself out, check out where you're falling into the trap of erroneous thinking and making yourself afraid when you don't need to be.  A couple of people I've recommended this book to have reported they found it very helpful.  Burns is not  totally anti-meds and has a long chapter listing all the psych meds and what you can expect from them.  But he's very big on getting well WITHOUT these things.

 

Read ANATOMY OF AN EPIDEMIC and you will not want to be party to further fattening the wallets of the boys in Big Pharma!

 

Hope this helps.  Even though I haven't experienced this as fear, I definitely understand about feeling that I've outworn the compassion of my friends and family.

 

:smitten:FJ 

[[No...]]

WWWI ... I hear two questions in your post ... what is or is not withdrawal and the issue of fear ... and ... they may be tangled up together ...

 

I have done "fear" all my life ... and I often feel I was born afraid ...

 

As far as I can tell ... for me ... the fear is attached to stress ... the stress response ... which I understand to be the "opposite" of the relaxation response ...

 

And the "anger" and "agitation" can follow from the stress ... as well as withdrawing for the environment around me ...

 

And ... for some of us ... no matter our past history ... and/or additional medical issues ... this process of using the drug, withdrawing from the drug, and recovering/healing from the drug ... has placed huge amounts of stress on our bodies and minds and spirits ...

 

So .... I believe ... the pervasive sense of fear that may be present is "understandable" ...

 

For me, the challenge is becoming aware of the "reason" the fear is present ... developing a "story" of "why" it is around ... for me, challenging the fear, confronting the fear, dismissing the fear, have all been of no value ... I have needed to find its fertile ground, where it grows, what it is attached to ... and then let it be there ...

 

As I gradually change the "ground" the fear will dissipate ... and the "change" seems to occur only through my awareness, my discovering the "geography" of myself ... I do not "do" the change" ... the change "blooms" through my "acceptance" ...

 

If one is involved in what for better or worse may be labeled as PTSD ... I believe the only path is to change the "geography" ... and then the "responses" change, or more aptly, fade away ...

 

I believe I have "learned" these "responses" and I am now in the process of "letting them go" ...

 

For me, this is a "large" undertaking ... and unfortunately poorly understood within the "therapeutic" community ... my two key resources are Herbert Benson (The Relaxation Response) and Jon Kabat-Zinn (Mindfulness) ...

 

Hope this helps a bit ... PM me if you wish ...

 

You are not alone on this path ...

 

Michael

[[be...]]

Hi all,

I need to ask everyone's opinion on a doc appointment I have on Thursday. He is a new doc and knows nothing about my withdrawal. My previous doc moved to Florida just as I went into withdrawal so nothing about w/d was written in my medical file.

I want to tell him about my wd but I'm afraid I'll get the same look and treatment as I did from the ER docs when I was acute. When I tell him I only took fifty in a three yr. period I know I will get the look and disbelief. I would like for him to understand that because I also had a withdrawal from xanax years prior that this is probably why I'm so symptomatic.

I need refills on my thyroid med.(synthroid) and I know he won't understand the way I have to take them. I'm still taking only half my dose because of the adrenaline rushes. When I take a full dose I shake, vibrate, fast heartbeat, and my nerve pain worsens, and then I go into such a bad wave.

I'm sure he will run blood tests to see where my the is at, last year at this time it was 14...ouch.

I know I need to climb up on my synthroid but its not easy right now and I need more time.

I don't know what to tell him. I just hope I make sense of what I do say.

Please, I need advice on this and I'm open to any suggestions.

 

You guys are always in my thoughts and prayers.Hugs.

 

 

[[ga...]]

WW...I understand the issue of fear.  I am close to 18 months now and lately been dealing with fear, anxiety and depression.  Very self absorbed in my thoughts and feelings.  Feel distant from wife, kids and other activities.  I've been through this before while on and off of these drugs.  I just don't know anymore what to expect...so very frustrated at the moment.  Lack of sleep is making this all the worse.

 

I have seen a counselor as needed through the process.  It allows me to discuss with someone the issues I am dealing with.  Kind of in the same way I do when posting on this board.  It helps to have someone that wants to help you feel better.  I wouldn't completely give up on counseling.  There are times where I just want to throw in the towel and give up...like this morning.  Just so many stressors now combined with sleep deprivation.  I am caught in the gerbil wheel...looping thoughts and can't get out of my own way.  I feel like crawling in a hole and disappearing.  The thoughts of going to a psychiatrist and going through that process makes me sick to my stomach just to think about.  I don't think they have any other answer than drugs...we know what that does.

 

I guess all we can do is tough it out the best we can.  I wish I could offer more optimism.  I think Nova, Coop and Green along with other here are good at that.  They offer great ideas and encouragement.  Support from others is so important.  I am not getting it from my wife at the moment as she has become frustrated with my mindset and has other things in her life to deal with.  Again, I reiterate, that I am so thankful for those on this board.

 

Try staying in the moment the best you can.  Counter the negative thinking by writing down some realities and gratitudes in your life.  This is advice that has been past on to me.