12-18 month support

[[ga...]]

Sky.....

 

You are what the doctor ordered.  I needed that!

 

 

[[He...]]

Hi Garton,

I think there is a difference from being a "negative thinker" and the despairing waves that come during the later part of healing. You may always be pessimistic, but I don't think you will always feel such anguish. You are continuing to heal and you are NOT back to the real you yet.

 

I understand your thoughts of aging....I have them, too. I'm only 43 but I have times of despairing over the fact that I lost so many precious years due to benzos. My heart hurts when I think of how my family changed because of the medication's effect on me. They are happy and well-adjusted and not looking back...but there are times when the "what have I done" thoughts grip me and fill me with despair. It's not even that I have DONE something horrible (lest people read that and imagine a body in my attic, lol), it's that I feel like I've lost precious years of my daughters' lives. I think this, too, is part of the "re-entry" process. I believe that these feelings of despair that come and go will leave like all the other symptoms will....after all, we are rebuilding our lives, getting them back in a healthier way than we have had for years!

 

I also think it helps to vent on these boards. It helps to get it all out...and it also helps others. When I read that others who are within my time frame still have struggles, it makes me realize that my symptoms are NOT the new me but I'm still going through the process. Still healing, as improbable as that sounds at 17 months out. It just takes SO long for our CNS to heal and return to normal. This last stretch, though marked with GREAT improvement and many moments of feeling 100%, can grow extremely weary.

 

We are in the last mile.

 

 

[[mr...]]

Garton, Sky, HH...

 

I'm only 32 and have had those "midlife" type thoughts...sorry kiddos, but I think its gotta be chalked up to withdrawal (again!). I hear of other buddies experiencing things and thoughts like this all the time, and they've often chalked it up to being sort of a "midlife" change (I will not use the word "crisis")...but I think its coincidental. Most folks getting off their benzos fall in the 40s-60s range it seems, and I think that's because that's how long it takes before they realize, or feel, symptoms of tolerance. I think the age groups of 20s and 30s are rarer. But I will tell you, too, that most of the buddies I know on this site in one of those "younger" age groups have, at one point, expressed "midlife" type thoughts & feelings (i.e. negative thoughts on the future, how they've "wasted" their lives, how "this" may just be how they are for the rest of their lives, etc etc etc). Its withdrawal, I am fully convinced of it personally.

 

And Gart, yes you may have been somewhat of a "pessimist" your whole life...but definitely not pessimist + "crazy-irrational-brain", you know? Pessimistic as you may've been, you still had access to your "rational brain". I, myself, have always been somewhat of a "scaredy-cat". But NOT "scaredy-cat" + "cray-cray-irrational-brain". So as you had access to your rational brain before (and maybe perhaps chose not to engage it as often as you should've), you are gaining full access as we speak -- except now it will be exercised and "fit as a fiddle" -- just like your muscles get stronger as you exercise them more. Imagine what it will do for you then!! A strong, healthy rational mind against your normal, 'nonbenzosteriod" pessimism?! Ummmmm, yeah. No contest.

 

Just hang in through the remainder of this race nay, marathon. Look at each thought that pops into your head as just another "opportunity" to "practice" / "exercise" / "work out" your rational brain...like you're adding another 10lbs to your weights for bench press this week...full well knowing that the pain of exercise and workout today will reap a wonderful reward of peace of mind and balance in the future. And probably sooner than you think, too

 

Take care bud. You/me/we are healing!

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Garton...if it helps at all.  As time goes on your dark existential dark thoughts that creep up on us before we have our eyes open in the morning ....at 3,4, and 5 in the morning... they will end. I was tortured with thoughts that I never knew human beings could image ...and intrusive looping thoughts of death and dying...completely uncharacteristic of me. ...They are far less now.  I still have a few mornings a week in which I wake to the dirge music....but more often than not they are not there when I wake up. When I do have a go around with them getting up and distracting usually stops them within an hour or so. I had 2 weeks of Pretty much all normal and then a 3 day wave that has lifted. In that 2 weeks I had one day of depression and maybe 2 mornings of Edger Allen Poe talking to me at 4am. ..  This is the good news..during a window .. or during a consistent improved baseline.. you can't even create these thoughts ( not that anyone would want to)  they are just not there...gone. They are completely w/d . ...During that 2 week vacation to 'normal' I had the normal range of feelings, including some brief blues about missing the days when my kids were little and at home...completely normal ' empty nest' blues that cleared up within a couple of hours .  And had nothing to do with death and dying. Even my fleeting thoughts of  life and living and getting older were totally in the normal and actually pretty philosophical and pisitive...not at all the deep dark suffocating place of benzo darkness. I will say that this has been my most difficult and most long standing mental sx..months 4-11 at various intensities ( constant in month 4). Now it is better better and it will get better for you too.

....I think Michael is right...endurance, distraction ( although distraction barely took the edge off for me), acceptance , good self care and BBs will get us through.

....Garton....you are going to get better.. coop

[[Co...]]

Sky....it is good to put light on the dark intrusive thoughts. I think they are like the elephant in the room....I would venture that at least 90% of us have suffered the dark intrusive looping existential thoughts of w/d ....and like you, we don't want to scare people or depress people . You are right though, getting it out there opens it up for expression and reassures our buddies that it is all w/d and we are not crazy or locked in some black depression forever

. ...We are in the last stretch...and we are winning....coop

[[mr...]]

Speaking of Northofhere!, here's the buddy, whose withdrawal journey and post history is my favorite, here is her most recent update, as of today

 

I hope you enjoy it!

 

So- my last success update was a year ago. I have posted in other threads here and there, but wanted to update this thread for those of you who need that confirmation that healing can happen. I am now three years out. I have forgotten, until I read these old posts, how truly far things have come. I am back to my old self. I exercise when motivated, watch scary movies, eat some junk, drink a bit of wine and have taken over the counter pain relief- which I avoided for years now. I am back to my old anxious self, which is nothing compared to the terrified withdrawal self I was. I managed to finish grad school, and am on to a PhD, did not lose my job, in spite of some unbelievably bad days. Most of what I went through was so intense, yet only really noticeable by me, not others. I do not wake up freaked out, and I am no longer dizzy 24/7.

If I could give one statement, and only one, of advice, it would be to stay the course, regardless of what weird stuff withdrawal throws at you. Keep reminding yourself its all part of your own personal healing process, its not something wrong, its the path to getting right again.

I am entering the holiday season, and ever so grateful I made it past w/d and into the light again. But the truth is, that was never in question. Healing was always the end result, waiting to happen. I just needed to stay the course, and keep shuffling and stumbling and weaving like a drunken sailor to the finish line.

I'm there, and at some point you will be too. Til then,

north

[[Fi...]]

Thanks!  I like that.  And it pretty much sums up our RX doesn't it?  STAY THE COURSE!

 

FJ

[[mr...]]

Thanks!  I like that.  And it pretty much sums up our RX doesn't it?  STAY THE COURSE!

 

FJ

 

Right on.

 

Mrs.

[[Gr...]]

Susan ... yep ... I am with you on the immune stuff ... overdrive ... inflammation ... I have not been "normal" sick for a long time ... certainly not during taper and the many months after ...

 

The narrative here, for me, is "this is normal" ... "normal is coming back" ... so, cheerfully and moderately miserable ... I am interested to see where my baseline is in a couple of days after the cold clears off ... and it feels like it is running a "normal" coarse ... first day, settling in ... second day, active process ... third day, starting to let up ...

 

And I may just be gnawing on a "new bone" ... and ... if nothing else, some of this craziness of the last few weeks seems to be leveling out ...

 

Who knows ...

 

Michael

 

Michael,

 

If getting a cold means that whole immune overdrive/inflammation thing is winding down, then that's a good thing.

 

I vibrated the whole night and thought of you as I tried to doze through it.  It's really a despicable s/x!

 

Feel better.

:smitten:

[[Sk...]]

Speaking of Northofhere!, here's the buddy, whose withdrawal journey and post history is my favorite, here is her most recent update, as of today

 

I hope you enjoy it!

 

So- my last success update was a year ago. I have posted in other threads here and there, but wanted to update this thread for those of you who need that confirmation that healing can happen. I am now three years out. I have forgotten, until I read these old posts, how truly far things have come. I am back to my old self. I exercise when motivated, watch scary movies, eat some junk, drink a bit of wine and have taken over the counter pain relief- which I avoided for years now. I am back to my old anxious self, which is nothing compared to the terrified withdrawal self I was. I managed to finish grad school, and am on to a PhD, did not lose my job, in spite of some unbelievably bad days. Most of what I went through was so intense, yet only really noticeable by me, not others. I do not wake up freaked out, and I am no longer dizzy 24/7.

If I could give one statement, and only one, of advice, it would be to stay the course, regardless of what weird stuff withdrawal throws at you. Keep reminding yourself its all part of your own personal healing process, its not something wrong, its the path to getting right again.

I am entering the holiday season, and ever so grateful I made it past w/d and into the light again. But the truth is, that was never in question. Healing was always the end result, waiting to happen. I just needed to stay the course, and keep shuffling and stumbling and weaving like a drunken sailor to the finish line.

I'm there, and at some point you will be too. Til then,

north

 

MRs, thanks for posting this !

 

Green, I am so sorry for you night, today I am having very strong bad vibrations myself, they are horrid. I am still in the on off  days, less symptoms one day hell the next phase. whY IS IT  so hard to write for me or even put the thought together, this is insane ? WHat kind of sadist would think up such a cruel symptom ?aS soon as I want to talk about some serious topic of wd, my fingers become lifeless chunks of meat, arrrggh ! My CNS is afraid of me venting ?  Ok, sorry about that.

 

THis day yes, day no, things has been going on for 2 months now, I read somewhere that that is as long as it should last, but it is not ending yet.

 

A new fascinating symptom is food tasting bad again. THis time, after 12 months, this time it tasted like it has gone slightly bad, slightly rotten. At first I believed it was actually that way, but then mr Sky told me he tasted nothing, at most it was not as fresh as it was before. So new thing ? anybody else enjoying this new development ?

 

My heart is really bad today, uff.

My HAnd made Christmas cards are ready, they are so simple, there is no way of tellling the oh so much hard work and planning that went in them, but you can see the love, clearly.  These cards will be my gifts, given that I am on a budget courtesy of benzo wd! Will post them here as soon as possible, I want to send you guys my wishes .

 

Ok, I have a couple of lessons today and then I get the rest of the day " free ". See you around, heal on !

[[No...]]

Sky ... as I have often said "I don't know anything for sure about this stuff" ... and I have experienced the "bad taste" from time to time ... it is always transient ... I "suspect", at least for me, it may have a little to do with some reflux from time to time ... which makes sense for me ...

 

Sometimes it appears as a metallic taste, sometimes as just a "everything is rotten" taste ... and it doesn't stick around too long ... and still comes and goes on occasion ...

 

Enjoy your "free" time ...

 

Be well ...

 

Michael

 

[[No...]]

Susan ... the vibrations are hard for me to deal with ... when they show up I usually have to get up for a while ... and the "anticipation" of them when I settle down to rest is "not good" ...

 

And sometimes they never show up ... and sometimes they start to appear and I still fall asleep ... go figure ...

 

We endure ... we come out the other side ...

 

Be well ...

 

Michael

 

[[Sk...]]

Sky ... as I have often said "I don't know anything for sure about this stuff" ... and I have experienced the "bad taste" from time to time ... it is always transient ... I "suspect", at least for me, it may have a little to do with some reflux from time to time ... which makes sense for me ...

 

Sometimes it appears as a metallic taste, sometimes as just a "everything is rotten" taste ... and it doesn't stick around too long ... and still comes and goes on occasion ...

 

Enjoy your "free" time ...

 

Be well ...

 

Michael

 

 

MIchael, reflux and a hard time swallowing and the rotten taste in food. Sometimes the swallowing part can be a little scary though.

 

[[No...]]

Sky ... yep ... sounds familiar ... and that little "grab" when you go to swallow and things feel like they are not gong to work ... I get the same sensation sometimes when I try to sneeze ... things just feel "suspended" for a moment and it is scary ... and I do sneeze every time ... just wish my body would not make such a "production" out of it from time to time ...

 

[[ga...]]

Sky,Coop,Michael, Mrs, HH,Jenny and all who have been there to offer support....You guys are truly amazing.  Offering support when you may been in the middle of dealing with physical/mental issues yourselves.  You are truly amazing folks...so compassionate and kind!  Also, very SMART with excellent advice.  We can draw from our own experience and pass on suggestion to make the process easier.  You are doing just that for me.

 

Just and update.  I made it through a very difficult day at work.  Always do but so hard when exhausted and the mind is stuck on how lousy I am feeling along with wondering why this started and when will it get better.  Always difficult when these questions have no definitive answers.

 

For some better news I actually slept 6 hours last nights....WOW!  Resorted to 5 mg of melatonin...not saying that helped necessarily but felt I needed a crutch.  The anxiety was there at bedtime but I managed to fall asleep, which, for me, is highly unusual in that agitated state.  I still have been dealing with the anxiety/depression this morning.  Same old issues trying to figure out the whys...Why can't I just let it go and live in the moment.  I am missing out on  the joy of day to day living and truly enjoying family and friends.  My daughter graduates from college this Tuesday and I want to be in the moment and experience the joy with her and the family.  Being so caught up in how I am feeling from moment to moment is just not a good way to live. I can't even watch anything on TV or read to distract....just unable to focus.  Got to get out of self absorbed state.  I am laying in bed  having a difficult time getting motivated to do much of anything....but I know I have to get distracted.  Will go and get a little exercise and then to work later today.  hopefully, that will ease some of the depressed thoughts for me. 

 

Once again, I want to offer my heartfelt thanks for your support through this difficult period.  You are very much appreciated.  I am so thankful to have you here to vent to when dealing with these issues.  It does help.  My wife hears this complaining and whining over and over and it drives her nuts at times.  She has been supportive but can only take so much of this. 

 

I hope to continue to support you folks through your struggles.  I always end with "this to shall pass" and "just do it".  We can and will make it.  No one ever said it would be easy.

[[mr...]]

Hey there Garton & the gang,

 

Has anyone else read "The Case For Exercise in Benzo Withdrawal" by Bart, over in the Chewing the Fat section? I was parousing around last night and took a read, and was kinda fascinated by it. And, I think it went to work in my life the summer of 2013 without me even realizing it. Garton, when you mentioned going to exercise in your last post and howitzer helps you reminded me of its power. In the post, Bart mentions that it doesn't even have to be an "invigorating" workout -- just something where you're moving & such. He even gave some insight to help those who have difficult times with cortisol and exercise being too stimulating. Anyways, it was an interesting read. Might be worth a "look-through" if someone is so inclined

 

Hope y'all are doing well today. Yesterday, Mr and I traveled four hours out of town to a very large, noisy, energetic conference. In a large city, with lots of traffic. Driving through cold and fog. On a two-lane, windy highway for a good portion of the way. And got back at 4am. I mention all this to say, although I wasn't "entirely comfortable" the whole day yesterday, it was the BEST I've been in a long time. Praising God! The "sensitivity" to "scary" or "stressful" situations and things is DEFINITELY leaving. I truly felt like it wouldn't. But it is! And it will entirely disappear soon, I'm believing. Thanking God once again! He is good to me.

 

Okay, off for now Love to you all,

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Garton, so glad to know you are doing better in spite of the morning depression and anxiety ( mine has just recently improved reliably in the last month....month 13). I have such huge respect for you and Peace and HH..and anyone else who is working through this.

....Just a note about the looping thoughts and the inability to 'be in the moment'.  it lifts... all of a sudden your mind comes back. It happens on its own ...in spite of what you do or do not do. If I had one message of encouragement for people it would be that... healing comes about on its own . It honestly does. I am in the same space as Green ( we are within 2 weeks of the same jump date). My clarity has returned...reliably. I am still having some mild to moderate sx , but they are manageable and transient. .. I truly believe this will happen for all of us.  Endurance ,acceptance ,self care and whatever strategies,help you endure are the things that get us through each day....and BBs.

.. Garton , I remember in June ( the very beginning of month 7) I went to my grandson's spring performance at his school. My head was exploding with burning head pressure, my anxiety was reaching panic and I had d/r so bad I really couldn't hear very well ...no way was I anywhere except trapped silently screaming in my benzo misery. ... however I relive that moment now over and over and am so glad I went. Yes, I feel robbed that I was unable to connect and be in the moment at the time but today the memory of it makes me happy today.

....Garton you are doing so good.  And the awful mind warp is going to go away.  Congratulations on your daughter's graduation. ...You are going to heal and you and your wife are both going to have your lives back..  coop

[[Co...]]

Green...just want to say hi to you ...I bet you are getting Christmas underway and enjoying your great baseline

....doing a happy dance for you....coop

[[Co...]]

Peace....just in case you are checking in ...You are so much in my thoughts and heart...love to you dear friend....coop

[[ga...]]

Coop...I truly want to believe this will vanish.  I know it has in the past so I guess I will have faith that it will again.  It is just so miserable being mired in it.  Remember....I love to whine a lot...so my wife tells me.  It is just part of being self absorbed.  Not an endearing quality.  Thank you again for your support.  The more positives I hear the easier it is to get through this.

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... okay, fine ... so having a cold is "normal" ... after three days, "normal" sucks ... 

 

Odd, how this thing I occasionally refer to as my mind wants to bugger off every time a little "inconvenience" shows up ... and hijacks my memory with it ... and in come the bouncing, joyous "lies" ... real quick this can get more chaotic than a roller derby where half of them are skating backwards ...

 

Okay, settle down ... this too shall pass ...

 

And this is really crazy ... I found myself actually wishing for the "good old days" a while ago ... scrambled eggs looks "coherent" after some of my "thinking" sometimes ...

 

Need to put up a sign ... just can't decide what to put on it ... how about ... "Hey Goof-nik ... Breathe" ...

 

Hoping you all are having a good Sunday ...

 

[[Co...]]

Garton...mired...yep perfect word to describe the all encompassing sx. .. I swear to god...it just starts to improve and things start dropping away and the Benzo mind fades.

....if whining helps...whine away...no one got on here and whined more than me. Fortunately I live alone and the dog was the only one who had to put up with me...and my ever supportive ,always there BBs..  just keep it going you are closing in on it...Many of us are seeing good good reliable improvement in months 12-14..  coop

 

 

[[ga...]]

That's kind of the problem for me.  I had really felt like the worst was behind me.  Sleep was better the past month  and the anxiety/depression basically nonexistant.  A part of me really believes I react this way to stressful situations and the holiday time and some of what is going on in my life set me off.  There I go...trying to figure it out.  It is what it is.

 

 

Glad to hear you are doing so much better.

 

Garton

[[Fi...]]

Buddies-- I have a confession to make.  I read all your stories and feel so bad that you're having such a hard time, but I'm kind of feeling like an outsider in that I really don't relate to so many of the symptoms you describe.  I think this means some of my ongoing stuff has to do with opioid withdrawal (23 months off)  and not the benzo.  I can't in good conscious write reassuring posts that I used to have such and such a symptom and now it's gone because I never did have these vibrations everyone talks  about or the derealization, dizziness, head pressure, tingling in the feet etc.  What I do very much relate to is the rollercoaster nature of the healing process and the psychological agony of the deep pits.  I have been sleeping pretty well most of the time since two months of Cold Ting the Xanax.  (I'm 15 1/2 months off now).  The out of the blue attacks of physical anxiety seem to be abating.

 

I'm thinking it might be of comfort to you all to hear that the symptoms I HAVE related to Xanax are definitely going away.  I feel my mind is perfectly sharp again.  In fact, I think I'm feeling sharper than I did since before I got into my five year habit of taking Xanax to sleep as needed.  This is great news because I had written off a lot of the fogginess to aging (I'm 63) and now I see it was probably the Xanax.  Also, I had been a person who felt I needed that half tab of Xanax in the middle of the night to go back to sleep.  I didn't see how I was making my brain dependent on it.  Now I sleep through the night most of the time.  Doesn't that seem miraculous?  I'm actually grateful for having trouble with Oxycodone withdrawal because if it weren't for that, who knows how long I'd have wanted to keep Xanax in my little toolkit for dealing with life, as I thought of it, just making myself worse and worse.

 

I was in a perfect window yesterday for my grandson's 1st birthday party and that was great.  Felt good enough to plan to make a drive with my husband to check out some of our forest property today, but I'm back in a wave and stayed home.  I know I'm healing though, because I can feel sick and be down and even have a good cry at once again finding I am completely unrepresented as even having been at this party in the photographic evidence  but hey, I hate how I look these days with the extra weight I've gained so, who cares?

 

I'm going to go read that case for exercise and see if it motivates me to get on my bike.

 

Sorry so many of you are still having so much trouble, but I do believe from the evidence given by those who've gone before that you will eventually see an end to this!

 

FJ

[[Sk...]]

Finally, it may be this benzo brain  of mine but I see nothing to confess.  Your road is different, is all.

 

 

Great to hear about your window on such an important occasion. YOu took it for insomnia like me. And sleeping without anything for us is nothing short of a miracle!! We started to think we could not function without, but the truth was we could not function WITH benzos. And I feel so accomplished thanks to this. Our self esteem had been taken away in so many ways, hadn't it ?

 

I had a bad moment today, well, not bad, odd. I had to climb a flight of stairs, nothing out of the ordinary. But I could not do it and it took me forever !! Mr Sky looked at me in disbelief. THEn, coming down,same thing, I needed to hold on to him to manage. Uff, never a dull moment in wd, is there ?

 

BUt since you are all talking about exercise, which I just can't do without raising my cortisol, was this because I have lost muscle or is this too wd ? Is there anything I can do ? Just in case, I tried to do as many stairs as I could, slowly, very slowly.

 

Ok, today is a bad vibration day, hope tomorrow will be better. I am going to take my shower and then off to bed, earlier than usual.

Everybody, please have a nice evening.