12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Coop ... I am cheerfully miserable ... and I learned yesterday to stay away from the pepper ... put some on my eggs as usual ... oops ...

 

I used an ibuprofen last night ... and maybe one tonight ... no fever ...

 

And I have a ton of chicken broth ... using liberally with egg noodles ... and homemade apple sauce ... coats my throat nicely ... and tea ... kind of nice to focus on something that has a known "progression" and a get well date ...

 

Hope you get past this batch of "aches" ... and you will ...

 

Be well ...

 

Michael

[[Co...]]

Michael , you sound in very good care..  yes, focusing on a different group of very temporary sx is such a relief even though though they are miserable...like you say they are a ' different' miserable with a reliable end date.

.....My aches are better today and my wave is resolving back to at least an 85%......carry on...coop....

[[No...]]

Coop ... that's what we do ... our version of the "Carry On Gang" ... now if I only knew when the buses ran ...

 

[[Sk...]]

Hi, I have not been able to make it here in the last days. I was ok, just very irritable, I am going towards my period. I almost took it out on a student of mine, I thought I had it in control but I did not. Nothing bad happened, but I hate the fact that I am a slave of the whims of this thing. I have always been so patient with my students.

I hope this never happens again, I want to be able to get angry for a good reason.

 

Sorry to just barge in like this.

 

I have  a harder time writing too .

 

I have not read the earlier posts, I hope everybody is hanging in there. I hope to catch up during the weekend.  Some things are so healing, but others seem to be getting worse. Or is it just that as we try to tackle life, it gets more busy and our bodies are reacting to the small added stimuli ?

 

I don't know what I am saying, can't think straight, sorry if I am a little negative. A hug to you alll.

[[je...]]

Hi coop,

 

Good to hear from you and thanks for your reply. Yes, the head pressure is back but mild and yes this sx  is horrible. Cycling in and out of different sx  today and just like all of you wondering when this will end??! I'm so sorry you've been wavy the last few days, but your 95% days prove you are making big strides. Thinking of you Coop, jenny

 

Sky-- I've missed reading your posts, good to hear from you!

[[No...]]

Hi ... here is a Friday evening tidbit ... another insightful book I have come across ... Jerome Groopman ... "Your Medical Mind" ... kind of an odd title ...

 

The gist for me ... how we come to make decisions about medical issues ... and lots of spillover into other aspects of life ... and the fascinating "variables" amongst people and decision making processes ...

 

An easy, calm read ... with lots to "chew" on ... and lots of insight into how and why doctors present information ... and insight into their oftentimes lack of "patient relationships" ...

 

Also an audiobook for those like me ...

 

Have a good evening ...

[[Co...]]

MikeJee...I am  closing in on month 14 ( Jan 4) . I also get head pressure and anxiety while in an energetic conversation ( happy or heated). Thank you for mentioning that energetic emotion or for me, animated conversation can trigger that weird scared feeling. I have asked myself so many times.. what the heck is so scary about laughing and joking and having a really animated conversation with friends? I almost always end up with a headache and fear... but at almost the beginning of month 14 it is getting better.

.....It is great that you are able to do the normal things in life, like going to the grocery and enjoying it... you are getting there. So good to read so much improvement in people in months 6-12..  Wishing you more happy grocery shopping trips....coop

[[Co...]]

Peace, ...if you check in...You are in my heart tonight dear friend.....love to you....coop

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... got some rest ... took a bit of cough syrup to coat my throat ... seems as I try to rest the cough hits ... got a bit of a buzz off it, nothing dramatic ... feel pretty chipper ...

 

How are you doing ...

 

Going down to farmer's market in a few hours ... weather is still mild ... we got over 5 inches of rain in the last day and a half ... quite a little storm for us ...

 

 

 

[[Co...]]

Michael.. lol....good for you...you deserve a drop of cough syrup as needed. ( little buzz and all). I am glad to hear that you are feeling better. A walk to the market sounds wonderful. Sounds like your weather got better. ...I had fresh tomatoes today in pasta with spinach ...a little parm. and asagio.. and a smidgen of red wine..  made me feel like I was in the land of the living again. ...My aches are back to the every day garden variety that are very manageable. The Arnica was great.. my wave lifted...just like I am normal again almost like before the benzos...like a window only more every day without that ' relief' high....but definitely smiling at the dog.

  . We're going to be okay Michael... enjoy your visit to the market...buy yourself a treat. ...and have a very good day...coop

[[Gr...]]

Alcohol:  Last weekend about halfway through my 2nd beer (I hadn't had a beer in a month) I started feeling awful.  It caused full body panic/extreme tension, I couldn't think, I was so nervous and spaced out I just wanted our company to leave but I didn't want to be rude.  It took 2 hours to come back down to earth.  I will wait another month before trying to enjoy another beer. 

 

14 months 2 days:  This week has been very decent but of course it had some moments of really bad head stress like usual.  The head pain and stressed out hyper feeling I get usually happens when I'm really happy and conversing with people.  That happy excitement of socializing with others is too much stimulation sometimes I guess, so my brain shuts down.  On a positive note, this morning I went to the grocery store and really enjoyed it.  I wasn't in a rush to shop, I took my time, pondered new products.  I even felt like I was hoping to run into someone I know to start a conversation.  Usually when I'm in a building like that with all the florescent lighting I feel like I'm in a dream.  Instead what I got was total clarity.  Gotta love those moments!

 

Michael:  A few pages ago you said it was sorta nice to be sick as it had been years?  I hear you.  I haven't had a sinus infection, flu, cold, cough, sniffles.....NOTHING, in about 3 years also.  My wife has been mildly sick twice since September, and my 8 year old has been sick once, plus all the times they were sick under this roof last year.  Usually I pick up colds very easily, but ever since I started doing battle with xanax and withdrawing, it seems I can't get sick.

 

 

Hi, Mike

Ditto on not getting sick.  Except for benzo stuff, not a sniffle, a virus, a cold.  And my kids have had plenty, plenty of germs all around me.  What's up with that?  I think my immune system is in overdrive.  Does the immune system have some relationship to all of the inflammation we must have, all the body pain?  Glad to hear you're feeling a little better.

 

Nova, sorry to hear you have a real cold.  Have you been regular sick before during w/d?

[[Gr...]]

Hi, I have not been able to make it here in the last days. I was ok, just very irritable, I am going towards my period. I almost took it out on a student of mine, I thought I had it in control but I did not. Nothing bad happened, but I hate the fact that I am a slave of the whims of this thing. I have always been so patient with my students.

I hope this never happens again, I want to be able to get angry for a good reason.

 

Sorry to just barge in like this.

 

I have  a harder time writing too .

 

I have not read the earlier posts, I hope everybody is hanging in there. I hope to catch up during the weekend.  Some things are so healing, but others seem to be getting worse. Or is it just that as we try to tackle life, it gets more busy and our bodies are reacting to the small added stimuli ?

 

I don't know what I am saying, can't think straight, sorry if I am a little negative. A hug to you alll.

 

Sky,

 

I had that feeling of getting better and getting worse at the same time.  It preceded feeling mostly better.  Hope you feel mostly better soon.

 

Hugs to you, too.

 

:smitten:

[[No...]]

Susan ... yep ... I am with you on the immune stuff ... overdrive ... inflammation ... I have not been "normal" sick for a long time ... certainly not during taper and the many months after ...

 

The narrative here, for me, is "this is normal" ... "normal is coming back" ... so, cheerfully and moderately miserable ... I am interested to see where my baseline is in a couple of days after the cold clears off ... and it feels like it is running a "normal" coarse ... first day, settling in ... second day, active process ... third day, starting to let up ...

 

And I may just be gnawing on a "new bone" ... and ... if nothing else, some of this craziness of the last few weeks seems to be leveling out ...

 

Who knows ...

 

Michael

[[Co...]]

The inflammatory system is the immune system or part of it. Usually if there is chronic inflammation people get sicker or get aches pains and auto immune stuff. I studied it long ago but my brain won't let me remember the specifics right now.

[[ga...]]

Sorry folks.  I just need to do some more venting.  I am out of town and having a miserable time sleeping.  My thoughts are racing out of control...all negative.  Worrying about the future and what will become of me.  The affects on my wife and adult kids, knowing what I have been through in the past with the issues of anxiety and insomnia.  I imagine being drugged in order to alleviate this misery.  I feel weak and helpless at the moment.  Normally, I can pull myself out of this kind of funk but now, for whatever reason, I just can't seem to do it.  Rational thinking has gone by the wayside.  Like Peace, who is trying to hold a job, I am doing the same.  At times I just feel like I can't do it.  This is one of those times.  I just can  not afford to quit at this point.

 

 

Any support would be appreciated.  You guys have been great in the past.  I just feel helpless.  So sorry to be a downer today.\\\

 

Garton

[[mr...]]

Sorry folks.  I just need to do some more venting.  I am out of town and having a miserable time sleeping.  My thoughts are racing out of control...all negative.  Worrying about the future and what will become of me.  The affects on my wife and adult kids, knowing what I have been through in the past with the issues of anxiety and insomnia.  I imagine being drugged in order to alleviate this misery.  I feel weak and helpless at the moment.  Normally, I can pull myself out of this kind of funk but now, for whatever reason, I just can't seem to do it.  Rational thinking has gone by the wayside.  Like Peace, who is trying to hold a job, I am doing the same.  At times I just feel like I can't do it.  This is one of those times.  I just can  not afford to quit at this point.

 

 

Any support would be appreciated.  You guys have been great in the past.  I just feel helpless.  So sorry to be a downer today.\\\

 

Garton

 

Gart,

 

That feeling of "can't do"...such a common withdrawal symptom...such a pain in the "tookas"...

 

Brother, I think, like most on this thread, you are in the home stretch. And I think, in some ways, it is a little "harder" to endure than some of the earlier stuff. Because...you're almost "you" again, you know, but not quite... So enters the confusion and thoughts of "is this me?" Blech. But hang in there... I don't think its coincidence that almost every success story mentions something about the "final" stretch being "choppy". Reread Lostdog's success story, and you will see that, despite horrific symptoms in the early part of his taper, the latter 12 months were "tougher" for him to endure, as his "mental" symptoms dispelled.

 

So will yours, pal. You're not going to be "the only one" who doesn't recover.

 

Take care buddy, and you just "allow" those thoughts to "be", knowing full well their lying voices and temporary status. Look at them as your "annoying Uncle Tom" who's dropped by for an unexpected visit, and doesn't know how to shut up, but you love & endure him anyways

 

Mrs.

[[ga...]]

Mrs....all I can say is a warm thank you.  Really needed to hear that about now.

[[No...]]

Garton ... feeling helpless ... for some of us ... is a part of this process ... for me, recognizing when I am in that place is usually the beginning of my accepting how I am feeling ... and it is certainly okay when I feel helpless ... it is part of my process ...

 

What I have learned over these many months is that it is not useful for me to "act" on this feeling ...

 

My recognizing that I feel helpless and at the same time knowing I am not helpless usually gives me enough "room" to weather the feeling and it passes ... and this can be very hard "work" ...

 

You are okay ... and you feel helpless ... and this feeling will pass ... and it may return again and again ... and each time we get passed it ... much like the many other symptoms we engage with during this process ... we acknowledge them ... weather them ... and move on ... feelings are not a "diagnosis" ... they are just there ... and they change ... over and over again ..

 

Hope this helps a bit ...

 

Michael

 

[[mr...]]

Ahhhhhh... Nova "The Sage" Scotia...whatever would we do without you?

 

Mrs

[[No...]]

Hmmm .... Mrs Nova might have a few suggestions ... 

[[ga...]]

Michael...You are a wise man...you put to practice what you preach.  I know everything you say makes complete sense.  Just accepting this feeling is important.  It isn't going to kill us...it will feel miserable while there but eventually diminishes in intensity. 

 

My problem is dealing with this feeling at 3 a.m. and not finding something to distract at that hour.  I end up spiraling to the point I am thinking some god awful thoughts.  Getting on this board and chatting with the good folks here certainly helps.  Lots of wise folks, such as yourself, with good ideas and words of encouragement.  This helps me muddle through these times.  Very MUCH appreciated

 

When we're feeling down it really helps to open up a bit and divulge some of those deep dark thoughts.  Getting them out verbally or on this board makes a difference.  Releasing them in a sense.  Unfortunately, not gone for good and for me they return at those difficult early morning hours.  I know there will be buddies here to encourage at those times.

 

I will work on accepting those "feelings" today and NOT let them overwhelm me.  I will be working most of the day...feeling exhausted and make the best of it.  THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!

 

Thanks again!

[[No...]]

Garton ... I am finding this time in the process is all about just plain old endurance ... I just have to out wait the symptoms ... and the process seems to take care of itself ...

 

And yes, the exhaustion ... the folks who invented K owe me about 5 years worth of sleep ... don't think I will collect on that debt ... so we just carry on ...

 

And you are right ... put things out on the table, where appropriate ... no point in dragging them around in the black bag some of us keep dragging along ... that is certainly not being a "downer" ... that is wisdom in action ...

 

[[Sk...]]

When we're feeling down it really helps to open up a bit and divulge some of those deep dark thoughts.  Getting them out verbally or on this board makes a difference.  Releasing them in a sense.  Unfortunately, not gone for good and for me they return at those difficult early morning hours.  I know there will be buddies here to encourage at those times

 

Garton, I couldn't agree more. I too feel funny when tellling about my really dark patches, I am so afraid of upsetting/depressing  other buddies. But just the expressing the thought, seeing it black on white, helps take away the strength, the power from whatever thing I am going through. So it's all for the best.

 

This is like  a family conversation after all, in which we tell each other the good and the bad with truly no judgment.

 

Garton hang in there, these last days are truly bad and confusing.

 

I am getting new symptoms that come and go, but it's ok, it's bearable.

 

Have a nice(er) day everybody.

[[ga...]]

Thank you Sky...I REALLY hope this is the final stretch.  A part of me thinks it's just my pessimistic outlook as to my future and what I have in store.  There is a part of me that has always been a "negative" thinker.  Certainly not proud and somewhat embarrassed to even admit it  here.  If it's the real me I am going to have to learn how to get those thoughts under better control.  I really want to believe this is tied into my past experience with the drugs and how I felt during those times and will reduce in severity as time goes on.  For me at age 59,  that's not easy.  I do not like aging and I think some of this is tied into a late mid life crisis thing.  How do I become more accepting going forward?

[[Sk...]]

Thank you Sky...I REALLY hope this is the final stretch.  A part of me thinks it's just my pessimistic outlook as to my future and what I have in store.  There is a part of me that has always been a "negative" thinker.  Certainly not proud and somewhat embarrassed to even admit I here.  If it's the real me I am going to have to learn how to get those thoughts under better control.  I really want to believe this is tied into my past experience with the drugs and how I felt during those times and will reduce in severity as time goes on. For me at age 59,  that's not easy.  I do not like aging and I think some of this is tied into a late mid life crisis thing. How do I become more accepting going forward?

 

Garton, I don't know but I think healing, really healing, will be so huge you will not be able to see things the same way as before.

 

Nobody likes aging,  I am 42, and I have had the same thoughts you seem to be having. I too think I was having a mid life crisis, that and the madness induced by benzos, damn them. Whatever it was, I am so glad I am here, with my papery skin, awful wrinkles but grateful for having my life back .

 

GArton, you are not old, and you are doing tons of things, it's amazing. YOu are already back in life, while I am still skirting it, cautiously.

 

TAke care, things are harder when you can't sleep, don't be hard on yourself.