12-18 month support

[[pe...]]

I'm here. I'm not sure why. Right now, in a city on the other side of the country, my dear father is struggling for his life. There's a good chance that today was his last on this earth. My only comfort is that my sister is there, holding him.

 

And my point. I don't know. But it's something about how we may feel like it, but we are not dying. Please pray for light and peace and I'd be ok with a miracle.

[[pe...]]

Also, the message is this - as you can, look outside of your own suffering and see those around you. I wish I had done this, 'protected' myself from stress a little less. Been more grateful.

[[je...]]

Dear Peace, iam so very sorry to hear about your father. There are so many lessons we have learned along this journey, and yes being more grateful is one of them. You are in my heart and prayers tonight. Love ya, jenny 

[[Gr...]]

I'm here. I'm not sure why. Right now, in a city on the other side of the country, my dear father is struggling for his life. There's a good chance that today was his last on this earth. My only comfort is that my sister is there, holding him.

 

And my point. I don't know. But it's something about how we may feel like it, but we are not dying. Please pray for light and peace and I'd be ok with a miracle.

 

Peace, I'm so sorry.  You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[[Co...]]

Jenny, Peace and Garton.. 

..  I am right there with you today. I got hit with body pain ( like a truck ran over me) on Sunday. and have been cycling in and out of blahs, moderate depression, come and go anxiety/flashes of panic, pouNing heart and sleepless. None of these are anything near months 4-11, but after about 2 weeks of feeling at a 95% baseline I am beginning to wonder if I am just in denial .. that this is my life now ...some stretches of normal and then back to the rabbit hole of never ending w/d.  I know this will end.. for real ...someday . Like Peace I found myself just crying out of sheer fatigue of trying to stay positive every time the rug is pulled out from underneath my improvements.

....Peace, I am so sorry you were in your car crying.. So glad that you are soon to have a break over Christmas break. I read your post about " feeling crazy" I get exactly the same loop with health fears. I have been wavy for the last 3 days. not constant but cycling and my baseline seems back to 80-85% . Peace , you really are so close .. We just have to get through a few more months. Even though I am wavy .. this summer I counted days like the one I had today as a ' window' .....I hope your wave rolls out. Next year is our year.Wishing you sunbreaks  Peace....

....Jenny....so sorry your head pressure came back. Man, that is such a crappy sx. Mine cycles in and out through the day but much much better than months 6-12.  It still freaks me out when I get it , but I am a little better at going with it when it descends on me. Do you take a beta blocker? Sometimes that helps mine on really bad head pressure days. ...Jenny.  I hope tomorrow is a better day....for all of us

....Garton...yep, me too. After having the best sleep I have had in an entire year last week....now 3 nights of near sleeplessness and waking up every 2-3 hours.  I know sleep has been really difficult for you all along. You have improved alot.  It does wear on us ....the getting better o ly to have to go " to the back of the line" again. You are ceeping up towards the 24 month mile marker...I hope you sleep tonight.

....We're going to make it buddies.. our next window is just around the corner.  coop

[[Gr...]]

Jenny, Peace, Garton, HH, Coop, FJ, Nova, everybody, anyone I forgot,

 

Sounds a little wavy. I'm so sorry.

 

Coop, I've had really bad body aches, pain, nerve pain, all along in this cycle -- even limping and struggling down the stairs in the morning.  Plus insomnia.  My improvement was clarity and more energy.  I have noticed a little breakthrough anxiety recently, but my baseline is holding.  And my mood is pretty solid, stable.  That's make or break for me, I have my mind, I can cope.

 

And while it holds, I'm not spending too much time on the thread, I really need to get Christmas together, just decorations and some gifts for my kids.

 

So feel better. 

 

Peace, my thoughts are with you.

 

Susan

[[...]]

Peace, my thoughts and prayer are with you!

 

I hope everyone is finding relief!

 

[[He...]]

I'm here. I'm not sure why. Right now, in a city on the other side of the country, my dear father is struggling for his life. There's a good chance that today was his last on this earth. My only comfort is that my sister is there, holding him.

 

And my point. I don't know. But it's something about how we may feel like it, but we are not dying. Please pray for light and peace and I'd be ok with a miracle.

 

Oh Peace,

I am so sorry!!! I am praying for your father, your family, and you.

[[ga...]]

I really appreciate the support from all my BB's.  It has really been difficult.  It seems like I am sinking into that hole of depression that I experienced way back when.  The early mornings in bed with the depressing thoughts that I just can't seem to release at the moment.  I find I am just unable to generate much positive thinking and feel like I am spiraling out of control.  Distraction is important but I just don't have that in the early morning hours.  Again, for me, I don't know if it is the holidays or what...I just know I feel depressed and hopeless.  I am supposed to work the next few days.  I have done it before and will muster up what it takes to do it.

 

I wish everyone who is having difficulty better days ahead.  It is hard and so very frustrating at this time of year. 

[[ga...]]

Peace...my thoughts are with you during this most difficult time.

[[He...]]

Jenny, Peace and Garton.. 

..  I am right there with you today. I got hit with body pain ( like a truck ran over me) on Sunday. and have been cycling in and out of blahs, moderate depression, come and go anxiety/flashes of panic, pouNing heart and sleepless. None of these are anything near months 4-11, but after about 2 weeks of feeling at a 95% baseline I am beginning to wonder if I am just in denial .. that this is my life now ...some stretches of normal and then back to the rabbit hole of never ending w/d.  I know this will end.. for real ...someday . Like Peace I found myself just crying out of sheer fatigue of trying to stay positive every time the rug is pulled out from underneath my improvements.

....Peace, I am so sorry you were in your car crying.. So glad that you are soon to have a break over Christmas break. I read your post about " feeling crazy" I get exactly the same loop with health fears. I have been wavy for the last 3 days. not constant but cycling and my baseline seems back to 80-85% . Peace , you really are so close .. We just have to get through a few more months. Even though I am wavy .. this summer I counted days like the one I had today as a ' window' .....I hope your wave rolls out. Next year is our year.Wishing you sunbreaks  Peace....

....Jenny....so sorry your head pressure came back. Man, that is such a crappy sx. Mine cycles in and out through the day but much much better than months 6-12.  It still freaks me out when I get it , but I am a little better at going with it when it descends on me. Do you take a beta blocker? Sometimes that helps mine on really bad head pressure days. ...Jenny.  I hope tomorrow is a better day....for all of us

....Garton...yep, me too. After having the best sleep I have had in an entire year last week....now 3 nights of near sleeplessness and waking up every 2-3 hours.  I know sleep has been really difficult for you all along. You have improved alot.  It does wear on us ....the getting better o ly to have to go " to the back of the line" again. You are ceeping up towards the 24 month mile marker...I hope you sleep tonight.

....We're going to make it buddies.. our next window is just around the corner.  coop

 

Hi Coop,

What I highlighted above is so similar to how I have been feeling.  I really am starting to wonder if THIS is it.....periods of good and waves of bad.  As you also said, I know that we are healing and this isn't the case.....but there is a part of me who is scared that this IS my new normal.

 

I was reading a blog on a different site and she was talking about the 99th mile.  That ultra-marathoners, who run 100 mile races, have this thing called the 99th mile where they absolutely hit the wall and feel that they have no more strength to go on, yet they do and complete the journey...even though the last mile is the most challenging mentally.  I think that is where we are.  We are in the 99th mile.  So very close to the finish line, but so very, very exhausted by the course. 

 

Right now my body hurts, I feel old, I feel sad, I feel like this will never end....

 

I am so thankful for you guys who are in this with me!  It really makes me realize that this can't be who I am, it's simply the process of healing. 

 

I wish you a good day today!

[[mr...]]

Gart, I was thinking!

 

You had mentioned having a glass of wine with dinner yesterday (I think?); I couldn't tell if you were in jest or not, but I know some buddies don't tolerate alcohol very well after their benzo experience. I highly doubt you'd be drinking it in excess of course! But I know that I've read a couple success stories that mentioned that they didn't fully heal until after they gave up their 2-3 glasses of wine per week. Colin has even mentioned that it wasn't until he stopped drinking entirely that he fully recovered, and he was protracted (3-4+ years). So even the small amounts, for some, can be just enough to slow down or prevent full recovery.

 

Totally up to you, of course! Everybody's different, and you know you best I just thought I'd mention it in case you hadn't heard of it before Take care buddy,

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Green...thank you so much ...I know you are feeling better and coming back to the site on some days feels like visiting a nether world that you escaped. We have mirrored each other's progress every step of the way so your affirmation of sx and improvements are su h bolsters to me...it is what is getting me through today. Just like you ( once again), My mind is pretty clear ( transient d/r from time to time). It has been weeks ...probably 3 months at the least since I have had an entire bed day.  That alone is alot for me. ...I know this is not my RA.  My RA is generally very manageable with flares every few months but it is always pain that I can treat with aspirin , hot/ ice packs, Epsom salts soaks , yoga and bed rest if needed. ..Nothing is relieving this and it is all over body pain with muscle pain as well.. It is encouraging to hear that it will get better in time...The Arnica that Michael suggested is really good temporary relief.  just in case,you get another but of it.

.....You go get Christmas put together at your house girl! I am so entirely happy for your improvement...you sound inches away from 100% ....and no one deserves it more than you Green. No one faults,you in the least for being on the site less...we are all celebrating for you. You have logged hours and hours of loving support here.  Go have your life. Stop in when you feel like it....we all love you so much and appreciate your huge support....happy Christmas making to you....coop

[[Co...]]

HH....so sorry that you have the ' run over by a truck ' body...it is so painful. It was great to hear from Green that she had a stretch of this and it eventually passed.

....I am finding temporary comfort with my old fall back..lavender Epsome salts soaks, aspirin, the Arnica that Michael suggested and easy yoga. ..I don't know what to do actually about sleep.

....I hope you feel better soon HH...it is discouraging to get hit this far out.. but we are better than we were.. but not better enough ... Make sure you are giving yourself enough self care ( not easy with little kids )...pm me any time if you want to... love to you....coop

[[ga...]]

mrsalw...I  am aware any alcohol can be an issue.  I have never been a heavy drinker but on occasion a glass or two of wine helps relax me.  Not last night unfortunately.  I don't have a drink more than a couple of times a week.  I think the fact I was doing well for quite a while and indulging occasional tells me it shouldn't have an adverse affect on me. I still don't know for certain if what is going on is still w/d.  This has been my predominant issue for quite sometime and I sometimes think it is just who  I am. It is something to consider and I will probably lighten up for awhile.  Thanks for your input.

 

Garton

[[Gr...]]

Green...thank you so much ...I know you are feeling better and coming back to the site on some days feels like visiting a nether world that you escaped. We have mirrored each other's progress every step of the way so your affirmation of sx and improvements are su h bolsters to me...it is what is getting me through today. Just like you ( once again), My mind is pretty clear ( transient d/r from time to time). It has been weeks ...probably 3 months at the least since I have had an entire bed day.  That alone is alot for me. ...I know this is not my RA.  My RA is generally very manageable with flares every few months but it is always pain that I can treat with aspirin , hot/ ice packs, Epsom salts soaks , yoga and bed rest if needed. ..Nothing is relieving this and it is all over body pain with muscle pain as well.. It is encouraging to hear that it will get better in time...The Arnica that Michael suggested is really good temporary relief.  just in case,you get another but of it.

.....You go get Christmas put together at your house girl! I am so entirely happy for your improvement...you sound inches away from 100% ....and no one deserves it more than you Green. No one faults,you in the least for being on the site less...we are all celebrating for you. You have logged hours and hours of loving support here.  Go have your life. Stop in when you feel like it....we all love you so much and appreciate your huge support....happy Christmas making to you....coop

 

Coop,

 

I don't think anything will relieve this kind of body pain.  I wouldn't even get massage, the muscles are tight, and the nerves make the whole area painful.  I got a little concerned when I noticed it was getting progressively worse, and I was limping, and taking the stairs like a toddler -- I could come downstairs like a grownup, lol.

 

So I did nothing, because for me that's been the best policy during this whole thing.  Wait.  I take two Advil at bedtime.  I didn't want to add more because I was afraid my stomach would go.

 

Anyway, it's getting a little better now.  The only way I got through this without melting down was the knowledge that Jenny had a very bad month in October with nerve pain, she had it worse, arms and legs, and it passed for her.

 

I said I was going to take sometime off, but here I am.  And here I go.  The days are so short now.  And I seem to go off duty at dusk, lol. 

[[Co...]]

Thanks so much Green...the aspirin and arnica is helping some. ...So good to know it will get better. Yes, the toddler hobble..looks even worse in a walker...lol.

....Here's,to our better clarity and returning energy...coop

[[mr...]]

mrsalw...I  am aware any alcohol can be an issue.  I have never been a heavy drinker but on occasion a glass or two of wine helps relax me.  Not last night unfortunately.  I don't have a drink more than a couple of times a week.  I think the fact I was doing well for quite a while and indulging occasional tells me it shouldn't have an adverse affect on me. I still don't know for certain if what is going on is still w/d.  This has been my predominant issue for quite sometime and I sometimes think it is just who  I am. It is something to consider and I will probably lighten up for awhile.  Thanks for your input.

 

Garton

 

Makes sense I do wonder sometimes, if people are "intolerant" to alcohol, similar to how some individuals are more so than other people to benzos? My husband, for instance. He no longer drinks at all, because it caused him depression (amongst other, more "common" issues, lol). He was a 1-3 beers per week sort of fellow, too -- never drank to "get drunk". Only had a beet after dinner here & there. He didn't like the "dark cloud" that it created, so he stopped. And so did the depression.

 

Anyways, lol...makes one curious! Hope your day is looking up

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Mrs....thanks so much for your post. Yes I did have a little wine on Sat with my family. I have had a little here and there since month 10 while in windows without side effects,or set backs.. but you never know....this is so unpredictable. I have been having a little leaded coffee with my decaf each morning and a few ounces of wine from time to time. It is so good to have any little scrap of normal life back. It feels like heaven to have even sips of real coffee, I have never been able to find a really great decaf. For months I could only tolerate herbal coffee, Teccinno, which is a very good herbal coffee but nothing takes the place of real quality Sumatran coffee.. nothing. .  Other than than the terrible body pain today seems like the other wavy sx are lifting....I will take it

....Thanks Mrs.  Hope you are well today.  coop

[[Co...]]

Peace....I just read back on the posts...I am SO sorry to hear about your Dad.  You have my heart dear friend. I am wising your Dad recovery and wellness. You will be in my thoughts and heart all day... love and more love to you ... coop

[[No...]]

Peace ... blessings, thoughts and prayers for you and your family ...

 

:smitten:

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... not much going on for me except this fully engaged cold ... vicks and moisture help ... treating it like a wave ... it has been a long time since I have been "down" with something like this ...

 

For each of you ... we get through this stuff ... whatever it is in the moment ... and being kind to ourselves is one of our best blessings ...

 

There is vigour and life-giving energy in our respect and kindness for ourselves and others ...

 

Be well ...

 

Michael

 

[[Mi...]]

Alcohol:  Last weekend about halfway through my 2nd beer (I hadn't had a beer in a month) I started feeling awful.  It caused full body panic/extreme tension, I couldn't think, I was so nervous and spaced out I just wanted our company to leave but I didn't want to be rude.  It took 2 hours to come back down to earth.  I will wait another month before trying to enjoy another beer. 

 

14 months 2 days:  This week has been very decent but of course it had some moments of really bad head stress like usual.  The head pain and stressed out hyper feeling I get usually happens when I'm really happy and conversing with people.  That happy excitement of socializing with others is too much stimulation sometimes I guess, so my brain shuts down.  On a positive note, this morning I went to the grocery store and really enjoyed it.  I wasn't in a rush to shop, I took my time, pondered new products.  I even felt like I was hoping to run into someone I know to start a conversation.  Usually when I'm in a building like that with all the florescent lighting I feel like I'm in a dream.  Instead what I got was total clarity.  Gotta love those moments!

 

Michael:  A few pages ago you said it was sorta nice to be sick as it had been years?  I hear you.  I haven't had a sinus infection, flu, cold, cough, sniffles.....NOTHING, in about 3 years also.  My wife has been mildly sick twice since September, and my 8 year old has been sick once, plus all the times they were sick under this roof last year.  Usually I pick up colds very easily, but ever since I started doing battle with xanax and withdrawing, it seems I can't get sick.

[[No...]]

MikeJee ... yep ... that was me for a very long time ... seemingly "invulnerable" to "normal" stuff ... I am "reading" this as I am getting "normal" ...

 

You are a couple of weeks ahead of me ... and yes ... the "interaction stimulation" thing plays for me as well ... and it is getting better .. and those moments when we "look for" interaction ... hope for it ... that is good stuff ...

 

Be well ...

 

Michael

[[Co...]]

Michael...so beautifully said...thank you for the daily inspiration. Sorry to hear of your cold...yep, the vicks..hot steamy baths.. hot steamy peppery chicken soup.. can you tolerate aspirin?...feel better my friend...coop