12-18 month support

[[Fi...]]

Oneday--My pattern has been one of intermittent hell for 28 months.  This is not counting the months previous to this which involved recovery from surgery which was its own hell.

 

I haven't had all the neurological symptoms most people report here.  I figure this is because I am serving a somewhat concurrent sentence involving opioids as well as the benzos.  My benzo use was small, dose-wise, but maybe it screwed me up worse that I would have predicted because I was taking it for sleep--no more than 1.5 mg per week--for five years.

 

The most hellish, neurologically, were the two or three months after I cold-turkeyed the Xanax.  Months 4-14 seemed like I was slightly better. I had been tracking my good days/bad days/medium days and for six months running I stayed steady at about half good days and a quarter each bad and medium.  In October 2014, I fell off the cliff into profound fatigue and racked up an entire month of bad days.  After pulling out of that I've experienced new symptoms I never had before such as tachycardia, vibrations, itchy rashes etc.  The best I've done recently is five good days in a row, which can be discouraging when I remember that last July I had eight! 

 

Nevertheless, I feel an underlying healing going on.  I feel that my brain is completely restored in terms of memory, absence of cog fog etc. 

 

You won't find my whole story anywhere here because I've been writing a memoir about this and trying to save my writing energy for that.

 

Basically I've learned to live my life an entirely new way--at this point, hour to hour, just depending on the dictates of my brain.  My CNS is healing and has no interest in what I have in mind, plan-wise.  I bow to the boss. 

 

People do report great healing after bad waves, so, likely that is what will happen for you.  I don't recall any stories where somebody got worse and just continued to get worse indefinitely.  It's all about staying the course.  As one of the surviving members of the ill-fated Donner party wrote in advice to someone headed out on the trail--Start out on the trail early, stay on it, and don't be lured off onto any shortcuts! 

[[ON...]]

OneDay.  Yep.. I could have written your post myself . A few of us on this thread could have as well

I am 18 months ( beginning of 18 months) and am a mirror of each one of the sx you listed.  Did you mention boaty and trembly? ..I was also doing more a few months ago.

....I do think it is all w/d ...in spite of raging health fears. I do believe that it is all w/d and will improve. ...I am mystified as well. Nova has a very fitting mantra.  It is what it is until it isnt.. so true I think. ..Try to go with it as much as you can...do what you can and try not to worry about the rest. This will not be your life forever...I know it seems that it will be ...but I believe it gets better.

. . Don't worry about posting when you don't feel well. We all take breaks from the forum, lurk, post every 5 minutes, post twice a year... whatever serves your need for support and your ability to give support.

.....I am so sorry that you , or any of us have to endure this. Wishing you some sunbreaks and relief...coop

 

Thank you for your response coop! I'm so sorry you're struggling too. My fear is that i have some undiagnosed illness or that i'm permanently damaged, it just is unreal the stuff day in and day out and we're at the time frame where we had kinda hoped to be healing around not getting worse. Hopefully we can heal soon. Thanks!

 

 

[[ON...]]

Oneday--My pattern has been one of intermittent hell for 28 months.  This is not counting the months previous to this which involved recovery from surgery which was its own hell.

 

I haven't had all the neurological symptoms most people report here.  I figure this is because I am serving a somewhat concurrent sentence involving opioids as well as the benzos.  My benzo use was small, dose-wise, but maybe it screwed me up worse that I would have predicted because I was taking it for sleep--no more than 1.5 mg per week--for five years.

 

The most hellish, neurologically, were the two or three months after I cold-turkeyed the Xanax.  Months 4-14 seemed like I was slightly better. I had been tracking my good days/bad days/medium days and for six months running I stayed steady at about half good days and a quarter each bad and medium.  In October 2014, I fell off the cliff into profound fatigue and racked up an entire month of bad days.  After pulling out of that I've experienced new symptoms I never had before such as tachycardia, vibrations, itchy rashes etc.  The best I've done recently is five good days in a row, which can be discouraging when I remember that last July I had eight! 

 

Nevertheless, I feel an underlying healing going on.  I feel that my brain is completely restored in terms of memory, absence of cog fog etc. 

 

You won't find my whole story anywhere here because I've been writing a memoir about this and trying to save my writing energy for that.

 

Basically I've learned to live my life an entirely new way--at this point, hour to hour, just depending on the dictates of my brain.  My CNS is healing and has no interest in what I have in mind, plan-wise.  I bow to the boss. 

 

People do report great healing after bad waves, so, likely that is what will happen for you.  I don't recall any stories where somebody got worse and just continued to get worse indefinitely.  It's all about staying the course.  As one of the surviving members of the ill-fated Donner party wrote in advice to someone headed out on the trail--Start out on the trail early, stay on it, and don't be lured off onto any shortcuts! 

 

Wow you have had a very long journey as well. I am a recovering alcoholic and everyday IV heroin user on top of this stuff as well so I do fear that my brain is so kindled from all the drugs and multiple times getting on and off everything that its never going to heal but its good to know I am not alone. I just don't know how my body will hold up through another year of this if that is whats needed. I just need a break in this wave. I have heard that a lot as well, that there are big openings after big waves, lets hope for that then! Thanks

 

 

[[No...]]

ONEDAYATATIME ... 

[[Fi...]]

Oneday--you have my admiration for kicking all this shit if you've not only had to endure the physical withdrawal symptoms but presumably had to fight off the cravings to just dose up and get out of your misery at any given point.  Hats off to you.  I've often thought in the course of this that if this was this hard for me, how much worse it must be for people who are trying to break out of a pattern of abuse where they actually have memories of pleasure associated with their opioids.  Opioids for me were never about anything but fighting pain so I did not have to fight huge temptation to "use" again.  I don't think addicts get nearly the sympathy they should for what it takes to get and stay clean.

 

Thinking you must have something else going on is completely par for the course here.  Everybody goes through it.  Odds are good you don't.  You're in withdrawal and it's hell.  Unfortunately, there's no way through it but through it.  It does help to know you're not some lone soul going through something no one else has ever endured, though, right? 

[[mr...]]

Hi gang,

 

Just checking in with a hello! My apologies that I've been silent and away for a while.

 

I've been actively working on spending less and less time on the forum, and spending more and more time engaged in "life" and "reentry".  It is not the easiest transition in some ways, of course, but I am finding it rewarding on many levels.  The main symptom that remains for me is some "benzo fear" and some related symptoms (i.e. panicky-ish sometimes, physical sensations associated with fear/panic, etc), which continues to fade as more time passes.  The past 3-4 months has seen steady (albeit a bit slow) progress, with a handful of "hiccups" and "bumps" and an occasional "bruise" or "cut" or "scratch" that has me saying "OWWWWIEEE!!!"  My monthly cycle each month can still offer a bit of a "bite" at times, and I can still "argue" the "rational brain" vs "irrational brain" more often than I'd like to.  However, all things considered, I shouldn't complain although I can relate to the frustration felt in feeling "not quite there yet", as many of us do.  I am approaching six months free on May 13th, but I wanted to come here first and provide a little update to my friends here first   For those that don't know, I micro-micro tapered off of a very small dose, and as a result, my symptoms in the final leg of my taper mirrored those of a "post-jump" nature...so the folks on this thread adopted me as their own, and I have stuck around since even though my "timeline" doesn't "match" the thread   Please forgive my presence, and I appreciate your acceptance as always!

 

Although I am unable to keep up-to-date with the postings on this thread, I do think of you frequently, and I do stop by from time to time in order to read a bit on how everyone is doing.  Coop, Nova, Sky, and Green ~ you're on my thoughts almost daily.  Coop especially ~ that fear/panic/anxiety/WHATEVER you call it, LOL is for the BIRDS!  But it WILL leave eventually, and FOREVER.  I am looking to CHASE IT OUT ON ITS WAY OUT THE DOOR!!

 

Okay, I must return to work now.  Love to you all, and I'm thinking of you often PM me if you need me, rather than posting to me on the thread ~ I am able to see those almost immediately upon receipt, so I may be quicker to respond   Love you all!

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

OneDay...most of the information I have read suggests that benzos are much more difficult to w/d from than alcohol or heroin .. You have slayed do some fierce dragons. People who quit alcohol and herion heal.  People who w/d from benzos heal.  Have you had some of your health concerns checked out in the recent past? ...If your health is checking out ok you can be pretty assured that you are having benzo w/d sx.  Your mind won't want to believe it, but try to find a way to counter the health fears.  Much easier said than done. I dance with it every single day...sometimes I lead...most days ( for now) the fear leads.  I am sure that it will eventually go away. ...We are here for support...coop

   

[[Co...]]

Hi Mrs♡...How good to see you . You are sounding fabulous.  Wonderful to hear...Happy for you ...and much needed encouragement for those of us here. We miss you , but cheering you on with re-entry.  Light the path along the way for us....we are all trying to see our way back to ourselves and joining the wonderful world out there .

.  .Mrs. You are always and forever one of us. .from the beginning....Until we see you here again...Wishing you big windows and sending love....coop

[[Co...]]

Nova ...how are you doing buddie?...I actually had 2 hours of relief this afternoon and roasted a chicken with potatoes , onions and carrots....now if I could just power up an appetite. I also put some green smoothie packs together to freeze and use in the blender for mornings...all of that for a person who eats 3 bites and gets nauseous....well hopeful thinking for better days...The break was wonderful and for those few hours it felt like my baseline before this wave from hell...about 80%-85%. I swear to god I would be so happy with that but benzo won't deal. Depression has been much better today.. I will take it. Head pressure, anxiety and health fears persist with cycling boatyness....it is better than last week.

...My daughter was here this morning and we puttered together... please please let this be the beginning of the end of this wave..  for all of us..

    Nova.. did your day pick up at all?.  I am hoping so.  You have been dragging this wave around long enough...hope we hear from you later this evening. ...coop

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... the toxic stuff left ... got the head pressure, lousy breathing and the gut stuff ... and a little wonky ... not bad for an old fella' ...

 

And lots of aches ... oh well ... hope to fall asleep soon ... only got a couple of hours last night ...

 

Have a good evening .. 

[[be...]]

Coop..I hope you're turning a corner...it's gone on long enough...hopefully the wave is moving out to sea...keeping my fingers and toes crossed.

The anxiety bug bit me...yuk...It's even hard to hold a conversation with my husband.  This is weird ...I have had good and bad mixed together this week...Pandora box.

I tried to walk off some of the anxiety but the faux asthma nixed it.

 

I'm firing the commander of this ship!!!!

[[Co...]]

Rest well Nova...coop

[[No...]]

Beulah ... yep ... fire the bugger ... 

[[Co...]]

Beulah....I don't think this wave has by passed one single one of us....stinks!...I am thinking of you friend. I totally understand that awful feeling of, 'talking increases my anxiety and my dizziness'.. I think every single sx has taken one last swipe at us in this wave.  Sending you love and hopes for fast relief from this.  coop

[[be...]]

Beulah ... yep ... fire the bugger ... 

 

I did!!!!

[[dr...]]

Hi all....good to hear from you mrs.   

 

My day was better than yesterday as I had none of the chemical anxiety or fear.  Just plain old physical symptoms w head stuff.  My finger stopped twitching but patches of face face numbness back

 

It seems almost all my physical symptoms from head aches, twitches in appendages, pins or needle,  and face numbness are right side of my body. Anyone else get most nerve stuff on one side? 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... ended up nervous and shaky last night ... did sleep for a while ... woke up in the nervous, shaky, anxious place ...

 

Just need to quietly move through this and be easy on myself ...

 

There is the flight or fight or freeze response ... working on bringing the soothe response front and centre ... 

[[...]]

Good Morning ... ended up nervous and shaky last night ... did sleep for a while ... woke up in the nervous, shaky, anxious place ...

 

Just need to quietly move through this and be easy on myself ...

 

There is the flight or fight or freeze response ... working on bringing the soothe response front and centre ... 

 

Hey nova can totally relate. For me , If it's not the jet fuel circulating it's depression. Gota say its better than 6-8 months ago with few but better days. But still most of mornings and days where it just seems perpetual.

 

Feel better

[[No...]]

Jrod ... good phrase ... "jet fuel" ...

 

Tried to go back to sleep a while ago ... every time I would nod off there would be another surge ... after an hour I stopped trying and got up ...

 

Good to hear from you ...

[[Co...]]

Nova....man, this one really hangs on, but relief is coming. I had an entire afternoon and evening of better....like back to a decent baseline if around 80%...and my sleep is still good.

...The shakes and "jet fuel" is such yuk. ...I hope this is going to end for you soon.. your wave set in at about the same time as mine did. ....Thinking of you Nova.  Sending you wishes for some let up...hope to hear from you later in the day....coop

[[Co...]]

Drew, ..Happy to hear that the chemical anxiety is leaving. Yes, I still get facial twitching.  mostly of the left eye lid and left cheek and left corner of my mouth. It's very infrequent now...You are making such great progress forward...enjoy...coop

[[Co...]]

JRod...the depression is awful..I am so sorry that you are trying to slog through it...it's like living in mud.. The fact that we live lives that can appear ' normal' to those around us is beyond  me. ...I am wishing you some sunbreaks today.  coop

[[Co...]]

Goid morning buddies.  Just a note of envouragement.  I am once again convinced that this is w/d and will heal.  For all of us. ...I got some relief yesterday from my crushing wave. My head pressure lifted, I got some clarity and the sepression/anxiety cleared. I ate food and felt , if not exactly window-y, approaching normal. I am hoping it holds at least for awhile. My sleep is good, but I am still physically tired..

....I want this for every one of us...coop

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... taking the day "off" ... some toxic stuff flowing and some boatiness ... mostly sitting around on my butt passing time ...

 

The weather is good, but there is a lot of wind and that plays on my sensory overload stuff so I will admire it from a distance ...

 

Have a good day ... 

[[be...]]

Just a bad day

 

Hang in there all