12-18 month support

[[Wi...]]

Am I the only one who can take a simple concern and make it into a monster...and do that over and over and over, turning issues into crisis, several times a day?

[[No...]]

WWWI ... hmmm ... if I am "hearing" you right ... then I would say "no" ... there are at least two of us ...

 

[[He...]]

HH ... and everyone ... yesterday evening I slept for a few hours and woke up and struggled with symptoms for many hours ... this evening I slept for a few hours and woke utterly refreshed ... now, I did not sleep "long" ... and I did sleep ...

 

This can "only" be the drug(s) process ... and I would argue (plead) that this is the "course" of this illness, this is its "consistency" ... and I have to add ... so many of us, those right here, right now, and all those who have come before us ... our stories are too similar and "consistent" ... or ... well, there really is no "or" ...

 

And as for "validation" ... we are the "walking, talking, breathing" validation ... no matter what anyone outside our circle of support says ... there is no way any of us could make this stuff up ...

 

So, onward and upward ... round and round ... good times and lousy times ... we are doing this "right" ... we are living our healing ... and nobody gets left behind ...

 

Blessings to us all ...

 

Be well ...

 

Michael

 

 

Michael,

This is really, really good! We are all so similar with patterns, maybe different symptoms at times, but so similar with patterns. How could it be anything BUT the natural trajectory of this process?

 

Actually, being told this again (how many times do I need to hear it???) allows for me to trust that 2 year time frame again. Deep sigh of relief.

 

Thanks my friend!   

[[No...]]

HH ... I too experience benzo "deafness" ... I need to hear this stuff over and over and over again ... and one day I will not need to hear it anymore ... our "mantra" ...

 

Maybe a little like Dorothy saying her wish over and over again ... and she got "home" ... as we all will ...

 

[[No...]]

FJ ... you are welcome ... been a long day here ... and there is another Nor'easter kind of storm coming in ... lots of wind and wet ... well, at least no one will have to shovel this one around here ...

 

I worked full time until about a year and a half ago and then went to part time ... and finally "retired" in October ... and I know I used "work" as a distraction ... it certainly did help to fill the hours ... and I worked from home ... worked for an e-commerce company verifying orders ... took a couple of leaves when I felt I needed to catch my breath ...

 

We all do what we can ... what we feel we need to do ... and we get through this stuff ...

 

[[He...]]

Healing Hope!  Wow, I didn't realize we were so closely on the same time track.  After a three week taper, I took my last crumb of Oxycodone on January 3, 2013.

 

I didn't know you'd been on an antidepressant too.  I have been reading an eye opening book called Anatomy of an Epidemic which shows the shocking truth that all these psych meds have done more harm than good.  I've been reading it on my Kindle, but today I ordered three copies for each of my grown kids.  If they or anybody they love or their future children are ever considering going on these meds, I want to make sure they read this first!

 

Sorry you were having a bad day.  I was excellent Sunday, bad Monday and medium today.  Just trying to stay mellow.  It helps SO MUCH that my husband finally gets this and just doesn't get mad at me.  And I don't beat myself up either. 

 

If you are still doing the "I'm a bad mother" routine, maybe you still have some of that going on.  I think you're so smart and intuitive the way you've figured this out that since you weren't a depressed type person before and yet still have these symptoms, your other symptoms are surely benzo withdrawal related as well and you can figure that they, too, will go away.

 

Please don't beat yourself up.  You are being so brave!  And I so admire you managing to get yourself to work.  I read your other post in defence of people who have to work.  I'm with you, it's easier to not have to go to work and I'm grateful to be in that position.  Although what this means for me, since I work for myself, is that I'm just not doing the work I love, which is writing and working on our tree farm properties, so that's not exactly uplifting.  Still, I am not about to claim you have it better because you go to work and it distracts you!  Nope, you're the hero!

 

And Michael, thanks for your words of encouragement for everyone.

 

Hi FJ! I often forget that I was on an AD, but I'm sure that has affected my healing as well. I was put on the AD after having a panic attack, it was supposed to help anxiety. I think it actually increased it because I ended up on the benzo as a result. I need to remember that I am healing from BOTH medications, and maybe cut myself some slack now and then.

 

I have heard about that book a few times and it's one I would like to read.

 

I'm glad you had a better day today than you did yesterday! Hopefully you will be back to excellent tomorrow. It makes such a big difference when our support systems believe this process is real. My hubby does, for the most part, but I think he's burnt-out from this as well. I try to hide as much as I can from my family.  They know about the process and on bad days I can't hide it, but  I certainly don't tell them the majority of what I feel.

 

I certainly don't know about being brave, I just do what I have to do....but also it truly helps me. I almost always feel better when I am teaching. It kept me from being lost to my symptoms last year when I was so badly off. 

 

This process is so long, scary, and demoralizing.....thank goodness for our circle of support!! 

[[He...]]

Hi HH,

 

I've been a little wavy myself and I've been having those same thoughts about the healing process, even though deep down I know I am. None one left behind HH!! Jenny

 

No one left behind! 

 

Jenny, you sound so much better than 6 months ago....even through your wavy days. Yes, we truly are healing.....even when it doesn't feel like it.

 

 

[[pe...]]

I haven't read back, it's been a busy week so far. 

 

But I'm jumping on to get some support with symptoms. I know my monthly visitor is on the way…. and that always causes some havoc.

 

I am caring around a film of yuck. It is equal parts fear, agitation, guilt and anxiety. Then come the intrusive thoughts. It's like my mind wants to be in sync with my body, to have something to attach these sensations to. So then I start thinking this is how crazy people feel, which means I must be crazy. Crazy people do bad things, which means I'm going to do bad things. And the swirl begins. It's like my brain is grasping for something to attach these feelings to.

 

Now, I don't really believe any of it but I still have to live it. I think this is where slowing down could help? I'm able to talk back to my brain and tell it to 'shut up'  . I also repeat over and over that I'm ok and that I forgive myself for all I've done and will do - invoke some self compassion.

 

So, my question is - Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Or am I on my own with this one?

Even with this crap fest of sensation followed by thought, I know things are better. This is also quite weird, to feel a better version of crazy.

 

Thanks for listening,

Peace2

[[...]]

Peace, I'm right there with ya! I totally get that! Those aren't the exact thoughts I have, but I do exactly the same thing with my thoughts while in a wave!

 

We are in our own type of "crazy" right now! Remember, when you're feeling better, which I am right now, you don't feel that way!

 

This is for you ---> 

 

Just another thing we go through to get to healing!

 

[[ga...]]

Sorry...I need a place to vent. You guys are always great for allowing that kind of thing.  It is 4 nights now with little or no sleep.  I really thought this wouldn't happen to me again.  Oh well.  Guess I was wrong.  Those who have dealt with insomnia know exactly how difficult it is lying in bed awake all night.  The thoughts are horrendous.  Lots of anxiety and pressure in my chest.  Just can't generate anything positive at that time.  Also, it is so hard to get through the day feeling exhausted.  I don't feel that this is necessarily a wave or w/d at this point.  I think it has more to do with stress around the holiday season that I am facing.  Too many to mention here.  It certainly seems to be more than I can handle and that probably is why I spent the night tossing and turning and fretting about the future.  Even times last night where I just wished it would all end...maybe a quick heart attack.  I know how bad that sounds but when I am in the middle of it that's how I feel.

 

Thanks for letting me blow some of this off.  It has been one heck of a tough night and I now must start the day and get through all that comes with that.

[[Wi...]]

WWWI ... hmmm ... if I am "hearing" you right ... then I would say "no" ... there are at least two of us ...

 

It does help in my fight against the invading monsters somewhat, knowing, based on your response, and seeing subsequent responses about intrusive thinking that i am clearly not an anomily. Sad tho, this common link.

Wwwi

[[Gr...]]

Hi Everyone

 

I didn't have time to catch up on the reading, but I will.  It gets dark so early, and I wake up so late, so I don't have much of a day, and I really need to get a tree and get some decorations up.  I do a little each day, but it's slow going, lol, but it's going (I have waited almost 13 months to use the smiley with the sun glasses?)

 

Hope you're all doing well, and I'll catch up with you as soon as I can.

 

Susan

:smitten:

[[...]]

I haven't read back, it's been a busy week so far. 

 

But I'm jumping on to get some support with symptoms. I know my monthly visitor is on the way…. and that always causes some havoc.

 

I am caring around a film of yuck. It is equal parts fear, agitation, guilt and anxiety. Then come the intrusive thoughts. It's like my mind wants to be in sync with my body, to have something to attach these sensations to. So then I start thinking this is how crazy people feel, which means I must be crazy. Crazy people do bad things, which means I'm going to do bad things. And the swirl begins. It's like my brain is grasping for something to attach these feelings to.

 

 

Now, I don't really believe any of it but I still have to live it. I think this is where slowing down could help? I'm able to talk back to my brain and tell it to 'shut up'  . I also repeat over and over that I'm ok and that I forgive myself for all I've done and will do - invoke some self compassion.

 

So, my question is - Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Or am I on my own with this one?

Even with this crap fest of sensation followed by thought, I know things are better. This is also quite weird, to feel a better version of crazy.

 

Thanks for listening,

Peace2

 

Peace your are most defiantly not alone w/thoughts/feeling and all the cycling mood swings. Absolutely identify with the "crap fest". But like you, when i have those very few and illusive moments of calm and semi clarity I realize for just those moments that my condition will eventually improve and resolve. In the meantime ,crazy will no doubt continue to visit me.

Stay strong & Hold on

[[pe...]]

Thank you, Jrod. Your reply and GMIT's, too,  have really helped me through today. I am just at such a heightened alert at all times. Of course it feels bizarre and crazy making!

 

Praying for our health and continued healing.

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Feeling sad and lonely today so I came to beat the bushes. I just want to 'see' you for a moment. Where did you all go?

 

Peace2

[[ga...]]

Greetings Peace,

 

So sorry to hear you're feeling low.  That makes two of us.  I don't know if it's the season or just a cycle we are going through.  For me it is the lack of sleep the past couple of weeks now.  Just feeling really depressed and out of it.  I keep telling myself it is just one of those periods and I have to push my way through.  We have been through this before and we shall get through it again.  I have to go to work tomorrow and just trying to get myself in a better state of mind.  Not easy right now.  Family stuff next week, my daughters college graduation and my 93 year old dad coming to town.  Should be happy that we're getting together unfortunately it is stressful.  That really bothers me.  Again, it's probably the lack of sleep speaking.

 

Seems like less folks are on the board lately.  I guess that means there living their lives and doing okay....a good thing.  We will make it Peace.  Let's just keep going.  NO other choice.  We can do it!

[[pe...]]

Thanks, Garton. I'm sitting in my car outside of work trying not to cry and trying to talk myself into going in. I'm so tired of this mess.

I'm sorry you're feeling down, too. I hope that magical shift comes so you can enjoy graduation and your father's visit.

 

Hugs and love to you,

Peace2

[[ga...]]

Same to you peace.  I am so sorry you are having a difficult time.  I can't imagine what you are feeling. You have shown strength in the past and made it through these tough times.  You have done it before and will do it again.  I am thinking of you and sending you all the positive energy I can.  I have had days at work just like you are going through now.  We just DO IT!  You will.  Hugs...Garton

[[He...]]

Feeling sad and lonely today so I came to beat the bushes. I just want to 'see' you for a moment. Where did you all go?

 

Peace2

 

Hi Peace,

I'm so sorry you are having a rough morning!    I woke up in a funk today, too.  Some dread, anxiety, sadness.  It's an awful way to start the day! 

 

I tried to answer you a few times about your intrusive thoughts post, but my phone kept deleting my post before I could send it.  I had those thoughts also....you are definitely not alone in them.  I took comfort with a post that someone, I can't remember who, said that people who really are going crazy do not realize it.  The fact that people in benzo w/d have these fears is proof that it is not real mental illness, but a symptom of our healing brains. 

 

I hope your day turns around for you, my friend.   

[[He...]]

Hi Garton,

I am so tired of this process!  I didn't sleep great last night and I am feeling bogged down with sadness this morning. 

We've made it through rough patches before through this healing process and we will get through this one too.  As you said, we just have to push through it.  But, geez....can this END already?

 

I hope your day turns around and you find joy and peace today! 

[[No...]]

Hi Peace ... and everyone ...

 

This is kind of weird ... I have a cold ... and I think that is pretty cool ... another sign that I am getting back to my "normal" ... I haven't noticed having a cold for years ... whether or not I had one I really don't know ... was so tangled up with "stuff" that I hardly noticed anything but the "stuff" ...

 

So ... the "subtleness" of this healing sure is ... well ... don't know what it is ... and it is happening ... for that we are all thankful ...

 

Have a good Thursday ...

 

Snuffleloughagous ...

 

[[ga...]]

Hi HH...This is unbelievable how long this takes and the cycling of good and bad....geeez!  The depressed thoughts are there in full force for me.  I wonder if it is the holidays blues or still w/d?  It seems to be situational for me at the moment.  I just WISH I could be enjoying the season instead of dealing with little sleep and the depressed thoughts.  I know it is all about getting some sleep in my case.  In order to do that I have to forget the "thoughts" and just relax.

 

HH...it is just a phase and  will get better...it always does.  Best to you.  Garton

 

 

[[Co...]]

Sorry everyone is still not well. I can't imagine having to work going through this there is no way I could do it. I'm still in an acute wave that has lasted over 3 weeks now at 15 months out. I just can't wrap my head around it. Worst I've ever felt. Hope y'all get better soon.

[[je...]]

Hi guys,

 

Sorry some of you have been struggling, I hate reading that some of you are having a rough time.. Please know it is only temporary it will pass, it always does. My head pressure is back today along with some chest tightness, and a slight headache..  Sitting here tonight just wondering if I will ever be 100% without sx  or if I will always be dealing with something even if its mild... I feel better I really do, but I always have something and I just want it all gone. Garton I've been dealing with some insomnia lately too and I can really relate to the looping thoughts, hang in there I know how you feel. Hope you all get a good nights sleep and feel better tomorrow 

[[ga...]]

Jenny...you're great and I really appreciate having you there to boost my confidence.  Need it at the moment.  It's 8 p.m. here and I am starting to get apprehensive about tonight.  I know...just cut it out.  I'm doing myself no good.  Enough of the looping thoughts.  Done!  A glass of red wine and some dinner and I WILL do better tonight.  All the best to you Jenny.  Glad things are improving for you....may never be "perfect" but certainly better than what we've had to deal with the past year plus.