12-18 month support

[[be...]]

Morning all,

 

Before withdrawal....you know that feeling you get after recovering from a sickness...the ahhh..my energy is coming back...you start feeling good again...I don't have it...I feel robbed.

I use to love that feeling of turning the corner to wellness. I have to keep reminding myself that I just can't feel the wellness yet. I can feel the sickness moving out but I sure do miss the getting well feeling.

Everywhere I read people have sinus infections...this almost has to be allergy related...but what do I know...one minute I know something and the next minute I don't....umm...cog fog...I don't know.

I think the garlic is helping somewhat with the cog fog...but still revs up the anxiety a little.

 

Just another day in paradise.

[[...]]

Yep, my mind goes there too.. Honestly 3 years keeps popping into my mind, and I have to push those thoughts away because I get overwhelmed. Clarity, yes much better. I was just saying earlier that my windows are so good now, better than I can remember feeling. It feels like I'm fully healed and I can't remember what w/d feels like, all the suffering is forgotten. On good days, I feel like I'm so close to healed, only to fall back in the rabbit hole.

 

Yes, that's it exactly, good days are really good.  That just started happening for me.  It seemed to happen all at once, one day I was "me" again, really clear.  But I don't have the physical strength, stamina.  That may take longer.

 

I was just reading protracted success stories.  I think we're going to be okay, Jenny, it's not going to take us three years.  A lot of the protracted people were still very sick when where we're at.  when we're not in waves, we're doing pretty good.  I think that's a good sign??  Projecting into the future, and when I'm going to heal, that's a sure fire way for me to be absolutely miserable.  I've got to try to kick this depression and be more positive.  which I could do if I could exercise!  hello?  has to lift soon.

 

 

 

Green/jenny

 

After dealing with all these mental symptoms depression fear hopelessness anxiety for well over a year, I also get in a place of "what if I'm like this at 24months"freaks me out to think it can take that long or longer.

 

  I guess I'm fortunate, not much physical sx but the psych stuff is brutal. At 16.5 months off I find it hard to believe there will be an off or LOW setting mode  taking place at 18 months. I'm hoping mindfulness/acceptance  therapy which I start tomorrow will help some.

 

I'm still working  Thk God for the distraction of work I don't know how I can get through the days without the distraction. Green I knw how you feel about working in this state but it works for me as long as I'm not traveling, when I travel it's a different story.  I have had very tolerable days but the waves  still dominate most of the calendar. 

 

Hope things ease up for all of us !

[[ga...]]

Green......I know you will be okay.  The depression has been something that comes and goes for me.  Remember this is not "true" depression just situational.  You are strong and will get past it.  Exercise has been critical for me and really does give you a boost.  Those endorphins do make a difference in your overall feeling of well being.

 

I have gotten past my bout of insomnia by the way.  I am using an unconventional method and one I have never put to use over the years and one that I know would NOT work for many and would be quite controversial.  It does help me get to sleep and that is taking a shot of tequila or whiskey right at bed time.  It does relax me and I have been falling asleep.  It gives me just enough feeling of relaxation that I am able to drift off after a short time.  I still wake up during the night but overall am feeling so much better the following day.  I would say I am back to about 5 hours per night which has always worked for me.  I know this may not continue on indefinitely but for now I will take it. 

[[...]]

AllbymyS

 

This misfortune does keep most of us continuously riding the edge . It really is a mater of time,unknown time. It's just doing it every day no mater what those days,moments bring until it winds down to a place we can easily manage until we are done.

 

Hang on

 

Joe, how are you doing these days?

 

Hey green ,your up early! Hope you where able to sleep!

SOS here. Little better minimal but there is improvement. The timeline is whats hard to accept.

 

 

 

[[...]]

Green......I know you will be okay.  The depression has been something that comes and goes for me.  Remember this is not "true" depression just situational.  You are strong and will get past it.  Exercise has been critical for me and really does give you a boost.  Those endorphins do make a difference in your overall feeling of well being.

 

I have gotten past my bout of insomnia by the way.  I am using an unconventional method and one I have never put to use over the years and one that I know would NOT work for many and would be quite controversial.  It does help me get to sleep and that is taking a shot of tequila or whiskey right at bed time.  It does relax me and I have been falling asleep.  It gives me just enough feeling of relaxation that I am able to drift off after a short time.  I still wake up during the night but overall am feeling so much better the following day.  I would say I am back to about 5 hours per night which has always worked for me.  I know this may not continue on indefinitely but for now I will take it.

 

Gart that's great!  Maybe that will kick start your sleep and you can do without it  after a bit.

[[ga...]]

Thanks Jrod.....I have relied on crutches for so many years.  Usually something like benydryl or unisom.  I really don't want to rely on anything at this point but this "shot" for the time being is making a difference.  May be just a mental thing knowing that I can relax after a shot.  All I can say is the extra sleep helps reduce the depression and allows me to get through the day feeling good and enjoying life.

[[be...]]

I feel dumb...do you guys ever feel like that? I never thought...maybe I am dumb and I don't  know it.

I don't know anything anymore...I feel very confused today.

[[Gr...]]

Yep, my mind goes there too.. Honestly 3 years keeps popping into my mind, and I have to push those thoughts away because I get overwhelmed. Clarity, yes much better. I was just saying earlier that my windows are so good now, better than I can remember feeling. It feels like I'm fully healed and I can't remember what w/d feels like, all the suffering is forgotten. On good days, I feel like I'm so close to healed, only to fall back in the rabbit hole.

 

Yes, that's it exactly, good days are really good.  That just started happening for me.  It seemed to happen all at once, one day I was "me" again, really clear.  But I don't have the physical strength, stamina.  That may take longer.

 

I was just reading protracted success stories.  I think we're going to be okay, Jenny, it's not going to take us three years.  A lot of the protracted people were still very sick when where we're at.  when we're not in waves, we're doing pretty good.  I think that's a good sign??  Projecting into the future, and when I'm going to heal, that's a sure fire way for me to be absolutely miserable.  I've got to try to kick this depression and be more positive.  which I could do if I could exercise!  hello?  has to lift soon.

 

 

 

Green/jenny

 

After dealing with all these mental symptoms depression fear hopelessness anxiety for well over a year, I also get in a place of "what if I'm like this at 24months"freaks me out to think it can take that long or longer.

 

  I guess I'm fortunate, not much physical sx but the psych stuff is brutal. At 16.5 months off I find it hard to believe there will be an off or LOW setting mode  taking place at 18 months. I'm hoping mindfulness/acceptance  therapy which I start tomorrow will help some.

 

I'm still working  Thk God for the distraction of work I don't know how I can get through the days without the distraction. Green I knw how you feel about working in this state but it works for me as long as I'm not traveling, when I travel it's a different story.  I have had very tolerable days but the waves  still dominate most of the calendar. 

 

Hope things ease up for all of us !

 

J,

 

I'm glad you're able to distract with work.  whatever works.  mental sx are brutal, they hammer you into the ground and make you hopeless.  they rob you of joy as much or more than the physical sx.  I think the mindfulness/acceptance therapy is a great idea.  Today I was struggling with sad mood, crying jags, and I thought, I've got to get hold of myself.  So I'm repeating positive affirmations and working on redirecting my thoughts, and staying positive.  If you get any good strategies from the therapy, I hope you'll bring them here for us.  Hope you get good results.

[[Gr...]]

Green......I know you will be okay.  The depression has been something that comes and goes for me.  Remember this is not "true" depression just situational.  You are strong and will get past it.  Exercise has been critical for me and really does give you a boost.  Those endorphins do make a difference in your overall feeling of well being.

 

I have gotten past my bout of insomnia by the way.  I am using an unconventional method and one I have never put to use over the years and one that I know would NOT work for many and would be quite controversial.  It does help me get to sleep and that is taking a shot of tequila or whiskey right at bed time.  It does relax me and I have been falling asleep.  It gives me just enough feeling of relaxation that I am able to drift off after a short time.  I still wake up during the night but overall am feeling so much better the following day.  I would say I am back to about 5 hours per night which has always worked for me.  I know this may not continue on indefinitely but for now I will take it.

 

Whatever works, Gart, but do be careful.

 

Yes, I am strong, we all are, after all we've been through, survived.  I'm working on getting a handle on it now, positive affirmations, redirecting my thinking.

 

One problem I have recently, like Jenny, when I get the intense fatigue and body pain, it's hard to exercise.  So it's challenging, but doable.  That's the thing about withdrawal, as soon as you figure out how to deal with a sx/set of s/x, the damned sx change!  Withdrawal doesn't play fair.

 

Glad to hear you're getting some sleep and doing better.

[[Co...]]

Green, this is your sx twin...I am crying buckets right along side of you today. Anxiety is softer.  Replaced by abject lethargy , intrusive thoughts and crying crying out of being just sick of this. I ,haven't had a lot of the muscle /body pain.  Like Jrod...the psych s/x just kick my butt. ...Well said Green, " hammered into the ground"...

....Beulah and Drew.  When are you taking guests at the Island Healing Commune?.  .. coop

[[Sk...]]

Good night everybody, I have been reading your posts, but today is a very bad day, so I am going to bed shortly.  I have my usual symptoms, nothing new.

 

Take care everybody.

[[Co...]]

Thinking of you Sky....Wishing you rest. ...We are all supporting you...love to you.  coop..

[[Co...]]

Hi 12-18-24 peeps..

...just jumping g on...I have been reading along, but my daughter just got back from a visit to a friend from Alaska and I had her all to myself yesterday.

....Beulah...you are so far away from ' dumb' ...your story is holding me together...along with all the posts here along the way..

....It seems like we are all riding the high seas in a row boat again....I don't think ( hoping ) that we are going to be 3 years into this. It might take some re-entry time back into the world after w/d s/x have faded. I have no social skills remaining and talk about feeling ' dumb'.. unless you have watched The Waltons lately I have nothing to talk about. I have isolated myself so entirely that there are about 3 people on this earth who know that I am still hanging around. I think the buddies who have managed ( I have no idea how) to stay at jobs will have less remedial 'life in the world' work to do. ...just re-fresher...

....Twenty-four months is still 4-6 months away for most of us...A lot can happen in 4-6 months.. ..coop

[[No...]]

Yep ... a lot can happen in 4 to 6 months ...

 

Got 9 hours of sleep last night ... woke feeling just fine ... half hour later ... kaboom ... had an appointment this morning ... forced myself to go out ... should have stayed home ... got overloaded with sensory stuff ... noise and light and wind and moving things ... felt like I was in a "new" world of chaos ... and not so ... I have been in this place many times before, just forgot for a while ...

 

Took all afternoon to "come down" ... oh well ... we'll see what tomorrow brings ...

 

For me, I have to just keep remembering this stuff isn't "new" ... have done it all before many times ... just one more slog through the benzo mud ...

 

Hope you all are doing okay ... 

[[Co...]]

Hi Nova...yep...that's my daily pattern too...wake up happy.. or at least ok.  Get up full of hope..1 to 2 hours later I am back in acute... and yep.  have a few 'good' days...try to go do something that normal people don't even have to think about,like going to the grocery...or the park...feeling on the verge of confident....and just like you said...Whap!.  I am in the chaotic brain numbing swirl of an anxiety attack

.....You have such good ' mind' strategies Nova.  Knowing that we have been there before and that we are ok no matter what anxiety is doing to us...I can do that sometimes AFTER the panic. During the anxiety storm I feel lost and confused.

....What are you cooking today? .  I am working on something better than Ruffles potato chips and gingerale.  Can't believe I am eating such garbage, but right now that's all my stomach will listen to., but turkey is starting to sound like a possibility. and mashed potatoes.  hmmm....is that my appetite waking up?....I don't generally eat turkey either but who am I to argue with a returning appetite.. Nova, you and Drew are elected as head chefs at Beulah's Island Healing Commune. 

....carry on Nova.  you sound like you are surfacing...thrown around and beaten up but surfacing.  ..coop

[[No...]]

Coop ... during the "storms" I find it really tough to stay focused ... the chaos can be overwhelming .. my "secret weapon" is my wife ... she has seen it all ... for over twenty-five years ...

 

She is my touchstone to sanity ... and without that calm assurance I probably would not be here ... I cannot imagine someone trying to do this alone ... that said ... yes we have BB ... and that is such a blessing ... and I also have a face to face support ... I am so fortunate ...

 

She has no answers ... doesn't tell me what I need to do ... really she doesn't even say much ... she is just there ... a witness ... someone who has seen this journey through another set of eyes ...

 

Hang on my friend ... do what you need to do each day ... ruffle chips and ginger ale sound fine ... so does turkey ... whatever soothes in the moment ... we don't need to hang any guilt or second guessing on ourselves ... we have other fish to fry ...

 

[[Co...]]

Nova,.. I am so glad you have Mrs Nova....My daughter is with me 2 or 3 times during most weeks. She understands as much as any young family member can.  She goes grocery shopping and odds and ends with me. I try not to depend on her at all.  She is only 22 and getting ready to be married this summer..I am blessed every day that she is here...

  ...none of us are alone in this.  coop

[[Gr...]]

AllbymyS

 

This misfortune does keep most of us continuously riding the edge . It really is a mater of time,unknown time. It's just doing it every day no mater what those days,moments bring until it winds down to a place we can easily manage until we are done.

 

Hang on

 

Joe, how are you doing these days?

 

Hey green ,your up early! Hope you where able to sleep!

SOS here. Little better minimal but there is improvement. The timeline is whats hard to accept.

 

Yes, I was up early, lol.  and you said something important, there is improvement.  and, yes, I'm all about not liking the timeline! But I should know better, I cannot box with withdrawal!  Back to acceptance mode, chop wood, carry water...

[[No...]]

Coop ... I see your light on ... how are you doing? ...

[[No...]]

Green ... what do you mean I cannot box with this stuff ... 

 

I always get knocked around pretty good ... who do they think is in control anyway? ... 

 

Yep ... chop wood, carry water is a much "saner" response ... patience and acceptance ... but, hey, whoever said I am "sane"? 

[[No...]]

Here is an oldie but goodie ...

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=38848.0

[[No...]]

Good early morning ... got some broken sleep for a few hours ... things seem "okay" right now ... so that is a good thing ...

 

Be Well ...

[[Co...]]

Hi Nova , ...nice to see you. I am holding on ...the boaty sensation is making me nuts. Anxiety is quiet for the moment ( cycles about every 30 minutes or so)...Irrational fear of  it healing. ...blah blah blah.  Thinking the rest of my life will be lived out in bed watching The Waltons.. .

.....How are you doing?...Are you up early...or still up very late?....I read an intesting link ( can't remember the post it appeared in), regarding faux shortness of breath and actual shortness of breath. True shortness of breath worsens with exertion.  faux shortness of breath improves with exertion...the article seemed well sourced so it was reassuring as my wierd breathing is more more noticeable while bundled up pathetically in bed binge watching The Waltons...I have not been this huddled in bed since peak acute. ....onward.. .coop

[[No...]]

Coop ... I am up early ... got a few hours of broken sleep ... feel pretty level at the moment ...

 

Going out in a couple of hours ... still windy and chilly here ... and the warm stuff is coming on the weekend ... looking forward to getting some warm air on my body ...

 

Interesting about the breathing issues ... when I was out yesterday in my stimulus storm I could walk without trouble ... I felt like I was having trouble ... and I could walk without collapsing ... so, much of this for me seems to be about "sensation" ... and "interpreting the sensation" ...

 

Now, I can interpret the sensation every which way from Sunday ... does not do anything for the storm while it is going on ... where I can "meet" the storm is in my "posture" ... and this is hard when I feeling so "crazy" ... this trying to stay "open" and "relaxed" ... this trying desperately to "do nothing" ... so that I am not adding to the stress in the moment ...

 

I believe the most common response I make to the sensations is "contraction" ... "tightening up" ... or "curling up" ... when I can be aware of how I am responding to the sensations I can sometimes interrupt my response and loosen up a bit ...

 

I believe the use of the drug changed the way energy flows in my body ... and now I am witnessing my body re-establishing how the energy flows without the drug ... really hard stuff ... and almost impossible stuff during a storm ...

 

Loved the Waltons ... haven't seen them in a long time ...

 

[[Co...]]

Yep, leaning into the sx . ..when I can do that things pass sooner.  And interpreting the sx becomes obssessive for me.. better to just go with it...it is whatever it is for whatever reason ....Enjoy your morning Nova and I hope your day is good .. with sunbreaks all along. .coop