12-18 month support

[[...]]

Hey Garton ; glad to hear it's let up a bit for you! I'm still in the thick of the horrible mornings along with the fear emptiness hopelessness depression anxiety sometimes lasting most of the day into eve. I do get a break every three or so days of less badness. At one year it's crazy this could go on another so much longer.

 

Did have a good break on wed late morn into early eve but don't know if I can label it window.\

 

Hang tight

[[ga...]]

Jrod....sorry to hear you're still battling the depression, anxiety and all.  It stinks, I know.  Even the few hours in the early morning are difficult to deal with.  I feel tightness in my chest and just the air of uncertainty about life in general.  I can tell you it has improved and I feel from what you are describing, you will start to see it slowly improving.  Hang tough my friend.

[[Gr...]]

Sue, I am SO happy to hear how good you are feeling!! This makes my heart sing! 

 

I think you are right that the fear is a symptom. I also think it's somewhat of a natural response to not quite trusting our bodies yet, but I think it will diminish in time with all the rest.  I agree with your friend about leaning into the anxiety.  I do that by pushing through, staying the course of what I had planned. It always gets worse for me if I try to run away or avoid, no matter how badly I would want to at the time.

 

Today I have a full agenda, and I'll be practicing some of that leaning in.  Making wreaths with my mom, lesson plans for the upcoming week, taking my younger daughter to try-outs for her traveling volleyball team, writing a paper for my masters, and cleaning the house so we can start decorating. Life is good, even in a wave. Lean in, lean in.

 

HH, yes, life is good.  And I don't think I'll ever take it for granted again.

[[No...]]

Good Morning, Folks ...

 

My "weathering" weekend has slipped over into Monday ... and the other weather is still quite cool ... -20 or so in windchill ... and it changes tonight with another upswing and drenching for a couple of days ... winter in the Maritimes ... gotta' love it ...

 

Need to "collect" myself up and get outside for a while this afternoon ... getting a little cabin fever ... and it sure is nice to sit inside all "comfy" when the cold wind blows the other side of the window panes ...

 

Have a good Monday ...

 

 

[[He...]]

Good morning,

 

Yesterday was a rough day and night.  I started my period and it hit with a ton of bricks, bringing the full gamut.  My anxiety was really bad and my whole body hurt.  I woke up every few hours throughout the night, so sleep was bad too.  UGH! 

 

I'm starting to wonder if I'm really healing. 

 

I hope you all are doing well today. 

Love,

HH

 

[[No...]]

HH ... yes we are really healing ... and this off and on stuff sure makes us doubt if we are really healing ... we do the best we can and just keep on going ...

 

Hoping we all have an "easy" Monday ...

 

[[Sk...]]

Good morning,

 

Yesterday was a rough day and night.  I started my period and it hit with a ton of bricks, bringing the full gamut.  My anxiety was really bad and my whole body hurt.  I woke up every few hours throughout the night, so sleep was bad too.  UGH! 

 

I'm starting to wonder if I'm really healing. 

 

I hope you all are doing well today. 

Love,

HH

 

Healing, we are healing. Pun intended once more!

 

SOrry about your period, it is always brutal. HAng in there, it's just your period, nothing else. I can't get you through your suffering, I can't make it shorter but I can give you  hug of encouragement.

 

My big change came today. It isn't that big a change, really because I am already back to normal but these days we learn to make do !

 

It has been raining for one month and a half. I have not seen the sun all this time. I wasn't really thinking about it but today, it was a beautiful sunny day. My brain was working so much better instead of being a sloth. My spirites were soaring. I rushed out with my bike I had to get the most out of it. I was a little manic with happiness but still it was something. It is amazing that the lack of sun can make such a difference. I even, gulp, wrote better on the keyboard which has been a no-no for almost a year now. 

 

NOw I am back to the same old stuff.  Could it really be because the sun has set?

 

The sad part is that according to the weather forecast, it will go back to raining tomorrow but I have to say it was really nice.

 

Glad to have something nice to say now and then  and not just constant grumbling !

 

Hang in there, everybody.

[[Fi...]]

Hey buddies--bad news for me.  Lovely window closed.  Felt so good all day yesterday until after dinner, then started downhill again.  Appalling how fast the fear of "OMG I'm never getting well!" comes back. I don't think I have it as bad as some of you.  I really don't have the benzo fears you describe, the waking in a panic business etc.  I think it's because I'm a recovering opioid person too.  I just feel physically sick and in pain and the mental thing seems directly related to this, as in well, of course I'm bummed....I'm still sick.

 

HH sorry to read that your day that started out promising also ended up bad.  I just keep learning the lesson over and over--stay on the No Plans Plan!  It's amazing what a short time of feeling it takes me to pep up and starting thinking about all the things I'd like to do.  Over and over I get schooled in the art of taking it one day--no more like one hour--at a time.

 

I am lying on the heating pad watching Gilmore Girls.  Short of falling in the pit and just crying hard, this is kind of the bottom for me.  Just watching something to stop myself from thinking.

 

My back aches where I believe my adrenal glands are located.  Is this adrenal fatigue?  I'm surely a candidate for it with my history of surgery etc.  Kind of hard to tell whether doctors take this seriously, but then, I don't have much faith in doctors these days anyway.  It doesn't really matter since rest and good food seems the only cure for that.

[[Sk...]]

Hey buddies--bad news for me.  Lovely window closed.  Felt so good all day yesterday until after dinner, then started downhill again.  Appalling how fast the fear of "OMG I'm never getting well!" comes back. I don't think I have it as bad as some of you.  I really don't have the benzo fears you describe, the waking in a panic business etc.  I think it's because I'm a recovering opioid person too.  I just feel physically sick and in pain and the mental thing seems directly related to this, as in well, of course I'm bummed....I'm still sick.

 

HH sorry to read that your day that started out promising also ended up bad.  I just keep learning the lesson over and over--stay on the No Plans Plan!  It's amazing what a short time of feeling it takes me to pep up and starting thinking about all the things I'd like to do.  Over and over I get schooled in the art of taking it one day--no more like one hour--at a time.

 

I am lying on the heating pad watching Gilmore Girls.  Short of falling in the pit and just crying hard, this is kind of the bottom for me.  Just watching something to stop myself from thinking.

 

My back aches where I believe my adrenal glands are located.  Is this adrenal fatigue?  I'm surely a candidate for it with my history of surgery etc.  Kind of hard to tell whether doctors take this seriously, but then, I don't have much faith in doctors these days anyway.  It doesn't really matter since rest and good food seems the only cure for that.

 

Finally, the great thing is that when you watch " Gilmore girls " your thoughts stop ! That is the good side ! 

 

I think it's nice to have dreams, I tend to be too scared to have them, that is a little sad.

 

But of course you are right, not planning seems wise. Hope the other buddies can help with the other questions.

 

 

[[Fi...]]

Sky, the only trouble with Gilmore Girls is that while Rory reminds me so much of my own darling, quirky daughter, I didn't have her until I was 34.  I realize the relationship portrayed here is entirely realistic, but when I'm down I can't help wishing my daughter would pick up the damned phone more often and check in on me.

[[li...]]

I haven't been on in quite some time.  Glad to see so many BB's doing well.  It is a long road but we all get there.  I am at 17 months and still gradually improving with minor setbacks.  The sleep is  gradually improving  No meds. I can fall asleep most nights.  Still my biggest concern is the early wakeups and the depressed and anxious thoughts about the future.  I still can't help but think this has more to do with some issues I dealt with throughout my life.  I just can't imagine it is w/d still.  I always have had a fear of being alone and as I am closing in on age 60 that fear is something I wrestle with.  It is not reality it is just something that I can't eliminate from my mind.

 

Anyhow..I will stay in touch now and then and hope to see the continued improvement for all.

 

Hey, Garton, many of the fears and depression are situational for all of us. I have come to realize this only after I started feeling better. That is, after being disabled mentally for a while, we fear that the future will not hold any promise and worst yet possible not a bright future. That is all the benzo lies. Here is what happens... After you start to feel better and you will know when it is "for real" and not just a window...you then start becoming more productive and start feeling better about yourself. As you start to re- enter and you will -- or you already have done so...you start to feel better and better as your life starts to return to normal. This whole benzo journey is a brain tease and it is a brutal process. We are all going to re-enter and we will start to feel much better about ourselves. I am definitely not at 100% but I am feeling highly functional and better yet - stable. That is that I feel for the first time in my journey that I can make plans and not be deterred by feeling bad later. I am making plans again and I am sticking with them. This all builds on itself and with time we are feeling much beter about ourselves.

 

Symptoms last year

 

 

Then                        Now  +none

 

Paranoia                         

Intrusive thoughts           

High Anxiety                   

Medium Anxiety               

Low anxiety                      Still have

Pacing                             

Disabled                           

Racing thoughts               

Social Anxiety                   

major Depression             

Minor depression                Still Have

Cog Fog                           

restlessness                        Still Have

Felt hopeless                     

 

Here is the thing.... I simply did not see all these improvements happen. They just did gradually over time. When I write these symptoms I simply can not believe teh amount of healing. Month 14 for me was pivotal. I think most peopel on BB heal within 14 months or so -- at least so said a study conducted on BB.

 

I send all my love to all of you. We are all going to heal.. I just know it! If we can take it we can make it! We already took the worst of this months 1-6 and 6 -12. We are over the big year one. We are all going to make it!

 

Life

 

[[ga...]]

Life...I really appreciate your last post.  Very similar to what I have been through and where I am now at 17 months.  I have been making more plans and feeling better about myself in general.  However, the past week or so I have be plagued with the early morning wakeups with depression and worry.  I lay there thinking I am back to how I was years ago when things were horrible.  Got to be a lie...not at all true...but the mind plays horrible tricks in those morning hours.

 

I know I am doing better.  It is these set backs that scare the you know what out of me.  I don't want to talk or think my way into depression.  I have to focus on reality and how much better I am now rather than how I was years ago.  Also, have to get the mind off of future worries.  It is a conscious effort and one that I seem to battle. 

 

Thanks again for your post and glad you're doing so much better!

[[je...]]

Hi guys,

 

Life, it is so great to hear from you! I think I'm feeling similar to you. I'm much more functional than I used to be, but I've been a little wavy the past few days and then start to doubt I'm healing at all.. I know I'm better, but I still have so many sx-- all physical. The thing is I'm very functional, but always have this underlying feeling of crap-- tired, achy, mild numbness, slight head pressure, benzo belly... They are all mild, but still... I feel like crap, maybe a higher baseline of crap. Just worried this will never end, and this is the new me. Okay, enough of my rant. Garton, you sound really good to me and if all your dealing with is sleep then your not far off from complete healing! Hang in there, jenny

[[Fi...]]

Jenny, today I feel like you.  Like crap.  The fact that I felt perfectly fine yesterday seems already history....

[[je...]]

Hi fj,

 

Yes I can relate.. I know that I'm not at my best place, yet I can't even remember what that feels like or if it really is that much better.... This whole process plays such games with your mind.

[[ga...]]

Jenny...sorry that things are not progressing as fast as you would like.  Your patience is being tested as is most of ours.  Amazing how things can being going great and then wham you're right back in it.  I know I should be thankful that sleep is getting better ....but the depression is nagging me again in the morning hours.  So much so that I start questioning whether I'm still mired in this garbage.  So sick and tired of feeling down in the morning.  Why can't I control my thoughts better?

 

Stay strong...it will get better!

[[Fi...]]

Jenny--I'm actually kind of happy when I'm feeling crappy and it turns out my heart is doing 99 beats per minute at rest.  At least I know something's actually going on!  It's like you start to worry that you're remembering a state of wellness that doesn't even exist--or, in my case, being 63--won't happen again because I'M GETTING OLD!  And yet on the rare well days, I'm thinking yep--this is it.  This is more like it.  This is more the me I remember.

[[No...]]

Hi, Folks ...

 

"If I can take it, I can make it." ... I need to get rid of the "if" ... "I can take it, I can make it."

 

For me, that is the theme of this recovery process ... I can survive the storms, whenever they occur, without the drug(s) ...

 

For me, that is "today's" work ... right here, right now ... this process of "generating" a person who is able to live, day to day, without the drug(s) ...

 

And ... for me this is hard stuff ... and I hear many others have the same struggle ... and we are getting there ... and it is so encouraging to hear each of your stories ... blessings for us all ...

 

Michael

 

[[No...]]

It's 1 AM in Halifax ... and I woke up after a three hour sleep ... and got slammed with a chemical panic attack ... it ran it's 60 or 70 minute cycle ... and now I am here, "hung over" with the residue of another storm ...

 

I have been in this "cycling" place since last Thursday ... and all the "whys" and "fears" and "doubts" are floating around ... and the only response I have for myself is that "I am healing" ... and this process is "mysterious" ... all I know is "I" am not "doing it" ... I am "experiencing this healing" ... and it is coming from within me ... and I am not "doing it" ...

 

And for the last 36 hours or so I have been experiencing "flashbacks" ... not "terror / trauma" stuff ... more like a gentle re-play of my "stuff" going back a long, long time ... and the sense is that this is "past stuff" ... the sense that this "stuff" is transforming into "memories" rather than "active here and now" stuff ... so ... I am heartened by this ... memories are "okay" ... maybe I am moving through a process that has been a long, long time in coming ... another blessing ...

 

This feels like a "broader acceptance" ... I hope so ... so, I do the best I can to stay, "right here, right now" ... breathe ... weather the storms ... and "believe" ... believe that for me, for all of us, healing is happening ...

 

Be well ...

 

Michael

 

[[Fi...]]

Michael--you have my sympathy.  One of the symptoms I have that I definitely associate with benzo withdrawal rather than the opioids I was also on is a sort of panic attack like that, out of the blue and I would say purely physical except of course you're not going to feel fear like that without it affecting you emotionally.  The thing is, the longest one of these has lasted for me was a half hour and that was over a year ago.  They've been tapering off and now only last about five minutes.  I just cannot imagine being in that state for an hour!  My God!  This is truly the tortures of hell if you are feeling like this for that long.  I sure hope these let us for you soon.  Enough is enough!

[[ga...]]

I can relate Michael.  Some of what I have been dealing with the past few days.  Memories, the future the worry and how will I be and why am I doing this negative self talk.  This early morning stuff is getting to me as of late.  It may be the holidays and the stress of it all.  For some reason I am letting those "thoughts" overwhelm me right now.  Quite depressed.  Very hard to just accept it an move on with life.  I am trying to stay in the moment and take things as they come.  I have no other choice.  It is scary to feel like I'm on the edge again. Sleep is a struggle when my mind can't release this stuff. This too shall pass.

[[He...]]

Thanks Nova, Sky, and FJ for your encouraging words yesterday! I had a better day yesterday from about noon on, but am back in it today. Lots of anxiety and depression all day, along with feeling "boaty", a feeling of being pulled to the side, and some head pressure. I wasn't actually being pulled, and didn't walk off balance, but it felt like it at times.  The depression is what makes me feel certain this is still withdrawal caused....I am not normally depressed and it's a symptom that I can now recognize as being caused by all this. I'm able to recognize my "I am a terrible mother" thoughts for what they are: benzo lies. If I still have withdrawal-caused depression that pops up, then the anxiety and accompanied symptoms are certainly too.

 

I'm still struggling a bit with the "I'm not healing" lie, but my head knows it's not true even if my heart doesn't. I HAVE to be healing because I have chunks of time that I don't even THINK about this stupid withdrawal process! I did not have that before, even 4 months ago. 

 

I'm just feeling battered by this process. On December 30 it will be 2 years from the day I randomly bought a magazine and when I got to the car it literally fell open on my lap to an article about a woman whose AD and benzo were making her sick.  Everything I had been feeling was right there! I googled my AD and klonopin and was shocked by what I found. I started tapering off both on January 1. For TWO YEARS I have thought about these medications! Who would have thought?  I am so thankful to be off of them and getting closer (despite how I've felt recently) to being healed!

 

This WILL end for all of us. No one left behind, right?  The waves may knock us for a loop and send us tumbling in the surf, but they WON'T drown us!

[[No...]]

HH ... and everyone ... yesterday evening I slept for a few hours and woke up and struggled with symptoms for many hours ... this evening I slept for a few hours and woke utterly refreshed ... now, I did not sleep "long" ... and I did sleep ...

 

This can "only" be the drug(s) process ... and I would argue (plead) that this is the "course" of this illness, this is its "consistency" ... and I have to add ... so many of us, those right here, right now, and all those who have come before us ... our stories are too similar and "consistent" ... or ... well, there really is no "or" ...

 

And as for "validation" ... we are the "walking, talking, breathing" validation ... no matter what anyone outside our circle of support says ... there is no way any of us could make this stuff up ...

 

So, onward and upward ... round and round ... good times and lousy times ... we are doing this "right" ... we are living our healing ... and nobody gets left behind ...

 

Blessings to us all ...

 

Be well ...

 

Michael

 

[[Fi...]]

Healing Hope!  Wow, I didn't realize we were so closely on the same time track.  After a three week taper, I took my last crumb of Oxycodone on January 3, 2013.

 

I didn't know you'd been on an antidepressant too.  I have been reading an eye opening book called Anatomy of an Epidemic which shows the shocking truth that all these psych meds have done more harm than good.  I've been reading it on my Kindle, but today I ordered three copies for each of my grown kids.  If they or anybody they love or their future children are ever considering going on these meds, I want to make sure they read this first!

 

Sorry you were having a bad day.  I was excellent Sunday, bad Monday and medium today.  Just trying to stay mellow.  It helps SO MUCH that my husband finally gets this and just doesn't get mad at me.  And I don't beat myself up either. 

 

If you are still doing the "I'm a bad mother" routine, maybe you still have some of that going on.  I think you're so smart and intuitive the way you've figured this out that since you weren't a depressed type person before and yet still have these symptoms, your other symptoms are surely benzo withdrawal related as well and you can figure that they, too, will go away.

 

Please don't beat yourself up.  You are being so brave!  And I so admire you managing to get yourself to work.  I read your other post in defence of people who have to work.  I'm with you, it's easier to not have to go to work and I'm grateful to be in that position.  Although what this means for me, since I work for myself, is that I'm just not doing the work I love, which is writing and working on our tree farm properties, so that's not exactly uplifting.  Still, I am not about to claim you have it better because you go to work and it distracts you!  Nope, you're the hero!

 

And Michael, thanks for your words of encouragement for everyone.

[[je...]]

Hi HH,

 

I've been a little wavy myself and I've been having those same thoughts about the healing process, even though deep down I know I am. None one left behind HH!! Jenny