12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... posted this to another Buddy ... and I feel it belongs here as well ...

 

I got some sleep and am back on the "plateau" ... that seems to be a pattern for many of us this far out ... I am half way through 14 months out ...

 

Here is an image for us ... I have been through the endless "car wash" of acute ... very intense and often seemingly endless ... now I just get hijacked off and on by the "car wash gang" who do a "manual wash" whenever the mood strikes them ... not as intense as the "mechanical wash", but still lots of rubbing, suds, and rinsing ... and they seem to get bored after a few hours and leave me alone for a while ...

 

Don't see why I still need "cleaning", but somebody does, and they are looking after me ...

 

***

 

Mind ... I believe you have quite a good "grip" on where you are ... and what you need to "do" over the next few months ... and you still feel your "metal patient" shadows hanging around ... and like many of us, no matter our "history", you are on the path of recovery ... and I believe the only path available to us ... and this is not a "limiting" or "restrictive" path ... this is the path the "contains" the limitless possibilities of our blessed lives ...

 

We "go slow" through this process ... making the changes necessary as they are presented ... avoiding unnecessary changes because who needs that stress right now ... we are slowly "developing" what we each need to build the "center" that will hold us for the rest of our days ... that is our gift to ourselves ... the "blooming" of the possibility of our precious lives ...

 

And as Victoria Sweet so gently taught me in her book "God's Hotel" ... Healing needs Time ... and that is what we are "allowing" to be present for ourselves, slow, gentle, caressing Time ...

 

Have a good Sunday ...

[[...]]

Hey Green, such wonderful news your doing so much better God knows you deserve it.

 

Jenny ,you seem to be pretty much in a bright place for quite some time as well, and hopefully very close through it and done. Fantastic!

 

I've had some minimal changes like depression although still horrific not as debilitating as 3 months ago. Still waking up with the fear terror panic and the feeling of just plain tired of the same daily torture. In the evening is when things begin to settle down some but everything been changing up lately as far as sxs.

 

I'll be one year off dec,16 and my only decent days ,not quite what I would rate a window where two days in June and 2 days in sept. Other than that it's been SOS for sometime now. It really does seem like it will never end. But I know it will,just wish I knew when.

 

Below is a post from a blog that I feel is inspirational so thought I'd share;

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It’s Part Of Withdrawal To Feel Hopeless. Hold On. It Goes Away.

DECEMBER 6, 2014 / JENNIFER

 

There are so many hallmark symptoms of benzo withdrawal: the tingles, burning, fatigue, dizziness, muscle pain, bone pain… the list goes on and on. The psychological symptoms are brutal, too: severe depression, off the charts anxiety, terror, de-realization, de-personalization, extreme paranoia… the list goes on and on.

 

One of the symptoms we all get sooner or later, is the sense of hopelessness. There doesn’t seem to be an end to our suffering. We feel we will be stuck in our f***ed up, altered reality forever. The Groundhog day existence wears on the soul, waking up to endure the same suffering over, and over, and over, and over, and over again.

 

I was there. I dreaded going to bed at night. Dreaded having to wake up and face the laundry list of symptoms I suffered. I dreaded the fear, the terror, the looping thoughts, the intrusive thoughts, the obsessional thoughts… all that craziness that comes from the damage to the GABA receptors that benzos cause. I felt it would never, ever end. I knew I was permanently damaged, no matter that the people who had healed kept telling me I wasn’t. I didn’t believe them. How could I? I had zero evidence to support the theory that I was healing.

 

And then, I woke up one day and realized I was better. Not healed. But better. Life began to take on a new feel. Of course there were the “waves” of symptoms that would knock me off my feet, but the windows kept getting better and bigger. The hopelessness I felt finally gave up the ghost, just like the benzo veterans told me it would.

 

So I’m telling you now. This hopelessness you feel is part of withdrawal. It’s part of recovery. It’s a lie your brain tells you, because your brain is damaged and can’t cobble together a positive thought if it wanted to right now. But wait. Give it time. It will be able to think positive thoughts, feel joy and happiness, and enjoy crazy creativity again.

 

As I put together the “Field Trip”, the resilience research trip I’m taking, I can honestly say I am brimming with hope. Brimming with joy. I’m full of wonder and curiosity again. And the good news is, I am better than pre-benzos. I’m sober, I’m not scared of life anymore. I’m not feeling broken or ashamed from the abuse of my past. I’m about as solid as I have ever been. Pretty cool, don’t you think, after years of living in benzo withdrawal hell? Even cooler? You are going to join me on this side of the pain. I can’t wait to welcome you.

 

Keep fighting. Keep holding on. Stay alive. Every moment of every day, your brain is doing its best to recover from the damage the benzos have caused. Cheer it on!

 

The hopelessness fades away and something darn near spectacular takes its place.

 

Just don’t give up.

[[pe...]]

Hi Green,

 

The same thing happened to me I got much better mental clarity around month 12, its amazing isn't it? Such a nice feeling to be able to think clearly. I'm so happy to read this about you! Your next Peace!!

 

Thank you, Jenny.  And, yes, Peace is next.

 

I agree! Peace is next! Do you hear us Benzo spirits?!? Be gone!

 

In all seriousness, your love brought tears to my eyes. It's you who prove to me time and again that I will not be left behind. No one gets left behind.

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Hey Green, such wonderful news your doing so much better God knows you deserve it.

 

Jenny ,you seem to be pretty much in a bright place for quite some time as well, and hopefully very close through it and done. Fantastic!

 

I've had some minimal changes like depression although still horrific not as debilitating as 3 months ago. Still waking up with the fear terror panic and the feeling of just plain tired of the same daily torture. In the evening is when things begin to settle down some but everything been changing up lately as far as sxs.

 

I'll be one year off dec,16 and my only decent days ,not quite what I would rate a window where two days in June and 2 days in sept. Other than that it's been SOS for sometime now. It really does seem like it will never end. But I know it will,just wish I knew when.

 

Below is a post from a blog that I feel is inspirational so thought I'd share;

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It’s Part Of Withdrawal To Feel Hopeless. Hold On. It Goes Away.

DECEMBER 6, 2014 / JENNIFER

 

There are so many hallmark symptoms of benzo withdrawal: the tingles, burning, fatigue, dizziness, muscle pain, bone pain… the list goes on and on. The psychological symptoms are brutal, too: severe depression, off the charts anxiety, terror, de-realization, de-personalization, extreme paranoia… the list goes on and on.

 

One of the symptoms we all get sooner or later, is the sense of hopelessness. There doesn’t seem to be an end to our suffering. We feel we will be stuck in our f***ed up, altered reality forever. The Groundhog day existence wears on the soul, waking up to endure the same suffering over, and over, and over, and over, and over again.

 

I was there. I dreaded going to bed at night. Dreaded having to wake up and face the laundry list of symptoms I suffered. I dreaded the fear, the terror, the looping thoughts, the intrusive thoughts, the obsessional thoughts… all that craziness that comes from the damage to the GABA receptors that benzos cause. I felt it would never, ever end. I knew I was permanently damaged, no matter that the people who had healed kept telling me I wasn’t. I didn’t believe them. How could I? I had zero evidence to support the theory that I was healing.

 

And then, I woke up one day and realized I was better. Not healed. But better. Life began to take on a new feel. Of course there were the “waves” of symptoms that would knock me off my feet, but the windows kept getting better and bigger. The hopelessness I felt finally gave up the ghost, just like the benzo veterans told me it would.

 

So I’m telling you now. This hopelessness you feel is part of withdrawal. It’s part of recovery. It’s a lie your brain tells you, because your brain is damaged and can’t cobble together a positive thought if it wanted to right now. But wait. Give it time. It will be able to think positive thoughts, feel joy and happiness, and enjoy crazy creativity again.

 

As I put together the “Field Trip”, the resilience research trip I’m taking, I can honestly say I am brimming with hope. Brimming with joy. I’m full of wonder and curiosity again. And the good news is, I am better than pre-benzos. I’m sober, I’m not scared of life anymore. I’m not feeling broken or ashamed from the abuse of my past. I’m about as solid as I have ever been. Pretty cool, don’t you think, after years of living in benzo withdrawal hell? Even cooler? You are going to join me on this side of the pain. I can’t wait to welcome you.

 

Keep fighting. Keep holding on. Stay alive. Every moment of every day, your brain is doing its best to recover from the damage the benzos have caused. Cheer it on!

 

The hopelessness fades away and something darn near spectacular takes its place.

 

Just don’t give up.

 

Jrod,

I love this. Thank you for putting it here. It's good to hear you're getting a little bit of relief here and there, but I do do do understand the relentlessness of these symptoms. I'm so glad we get to hear from so many who are making it through to the other side.  love the hope that it stirs.

 

I think soon we'll be walking out too.

[[Fi...]]

Hey all my struggling buddies.  Just checking in to report that at 15 months out (plus a concurrent sentence, well, I HOPE it's been concurrent of 23 months off Oxycodone) I'm waking up feeling really good and focused on getting this house decorated for Christmas.  That's the real miracle, when you're well enough to just be thinking about your life like a regular person who's not in withdrawal.  Believe me, I'm fully away I may not be entirely out of the woods yet, but on my No Fear Plan, I will just go with the good flow, just for today!

 

Hang in there everybody.  We have something that will be cured WITHOUT GOING TO THE DOCTORS.  Yay!

[[...]]

Hey peace, we certainly will get out of this mess! Hope your doing better than last month!

 

FJ appreciate the well wishes and happy decorating!

[[He...]]

Good Sunday morning!

I love to read that so many of us are feeling significantly better. That makes me so happy! Yes, some days are still crappy, but the trend is toward healing. I believe that 12-24 months will the Year of Being Healed.

 

Nova, as always, I love your analogies! I still get grabbed by the "car wash gang" and I will try to look at it as cleaning/healing. I've always struggled with seeing my symptoms as healing.  This has been especially true past the one-year mark when waves make me afraid I am getting worse, that somehow a wave will "stick" and become permanent.

 

I've been in a wavy trend, up and down again. I have that unspecific, physical anxiety, some light depression, and some areas of muscular and joint pain that rolls in and rolls out.  I'm due to start my period, so I know that is not helping the matter.

 

I had a realization on Thursday, a few hours into a spike of this wave, while at school.  I was back to my "I'm going to die right now" thought pattern because of my physical anxiety symptoms, but then I realized that how I was feeling, uncomfortable as it was, would have been one of my BETTER days last year.  It felt really bad because my window/baseline days are so effortless now.  SO much healing has happened, and continues to happen!

 

I still get fear with my waves, not sure if it's caused by my symptoms or IS a symptom on its own, but despite that fear and the lies it brings, I do know we will heal.  I'm holding on to the TRUTH that where we are right now is not the normal we will have when this is done.

 

Praying for continued and final healing for us all.  It WILL happen! 

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Good Morning ... posted this to another Buddy ... and I feel it belongs here as well ...

 

I got some sleep and am back on the "plateau" ... that seems to be a pattern for many of us this far out ... I am half way through 14 months out ...

 

Here is an image for us ... I have been through the endless "car wash" of acute ... very intense and often seemingly endless ... now I just get hijacked off and on by the "car wash gang" who do a "manual wash" whenever the mood strikes them ... not as intense as the "mechanical wash", but still lots of rubbing, suds, and rinsing ... and they seem to get bored after a few hours and leave me alone for a while ...

 

Don't see why I still need "cleaning", but somebody does, and they are looking after me ...

 

***

 

Mind ... I believe you have quite a good "grip" on where you are ... and what you need to "do" over the next few months ... and you still feel your "metal patient" shadows hanging around ... and like many of us, no matter our "history", you are on the path of recovery ... and I believe the only path available to us ... and this is not a "limiting" or "restrictive" path ... this is the path the "contains" the limitless possibilities of our blessed lives ...

We "go slow" through this process ... making the changes necessary as they are presented ... avoiding unnecessary changes because who needs that stress right now ... we are slowly "developing" what we each need to build the "center" that will hold us for the rest of our days ... that is our gift to ourselves ... the "blooming" of the possibility of our precious lives ...

 

And as Victoria Sweet so gently taught me in her book "God's Hotel" ... Healing needs Time ... and that is what we are "allowing" to be present for ourselves, slow, gentle, caressing Time ...

 

Have a good Sunday ...

 

That's it, Michael, what's in bold up there, that's it for me.  I didn't go through this to go back to the same old.  The same old didn't work for me.  But it is slow and easy, and open mind, willingness.  Hang in there, friend, a manual wash at this stage of the game still knocks us for a loop.    This will soon be over.

[[Gr...]]

Hey Green, such wonderful news your doing so much better God knows you deserve it.

 

Jenny ,you seem to be pretty much in a bright place for quite some time as well, and hopefully very close through it and done. Fantastic!

 

I've had some minimal changes like depression although still horrific not as debilitating as 3 months ago. Still waking up with the fear terror panic and the feeling of just plain tired of the same daily torture. In the evening is when things begin to settle down some but everything been changing up lately as far as sxs.

 

I'll be one year off dec,16 and my only decent days ,not quite what I would rate a window where two days in June and 2 days in sept. Other than that it's been SOS for sometime now. It really does seem like it will never end. But I know it will,just wish I knew when.

 

Below is a post from a blog that I feel is inspirational so thought I'd share;

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It’s Part Of Withdrawal To Feel Hopeless. Hold On. It Goes Away.

DECEMBER 6, 2014 / JENNIFER

 

There are so many hallmark symptoms of benzo withdrawal: the tingles, burning, fatigue, dizziness, muscle pain, bone pain… the list goes on and on. The psychological symptoms are brutal, too: severe depression, off the charts anxiety, terror, de-realization, de-personalization, extreme paranoia… the list goes on and on.

 

One of the symptoms we all get sooner or later, is the sense of hopelessness. There doesn’t seem to be an end to our suffering. We feel we will be stuck in our f***ed up, altered reality forever. The Groundhog day existence wears on the soul, waking up to endure the same suffering over, and over, and over, and over, and over again.

 

I was there. I dreaded going to bed at night. Dreaded having to wake up and face the laundry list of symptoms I suffered. I dreaded the fear, the terror, the looping thoughts, the intrusive thoughts, the obsessional thoughts… all that craziness that comes from the damage to the GABA receptors that benzos cause. I felt it would never, ever end. I knew I was permanently damaged, no matter that the people who had healed kept telling me I wasn’t. I didn’t believe them. How could I? I had zero evidence to support the theory that I was healing.

 

And then, I woke up one day and realized I was better. Not healed. But better. Life began to take on a new feel. Of course there were the “waves” of symptoms that would knock me off my feet, but the windows kept getting better and bigger. The hopelessness I felt finally gave up the ghost, just like the benzo veterans told me it would.

 

So I’m telling you now. This hopelessness you feel is part of withdrawal. It’s part of recovery. It’s a lie your brain tells you, because your brain is damaged and can’t cobble together a positive thought if it wanted to right now. But wait. Give it time. It will be able to think positive thoughts, feel joy and happiness, and enjoy crazy creativity again.

 

As I put together the “Field Trip”, the resilience research trip I’m taking, I can honestly say I am brimming with hope. Brimming with joy. I’m full of wonder and curiosity again. And the good news is, I am better than pre-benzos. I’m sober, I’m not scared of life anymore. I’m not feeling broken or ashamed from the abuse of my past. I’m about as solid as I have ever been. Pretty cool, don’t you think, after years of living in benzo withdrawal hell? Even cooler? You are going to join me on this side of the pain. I can’t wait to welcome you.

 

Keep fighting. Keep holding on. Stay alive. Every moment of every day, your brain is doing its best to recover from the damage the benzos have caused. Cheer it on!

 

The hopelessness fades away and something darn near spectacular takes its place.

 

Just don’t give up.

 

JROD,

Thanks so much for the well wishes.  And thank you deeply for this post.  I'm guessing this is Jennifer Leigh?  It's amazing and hopeful, and I'm so glad you brought it here.

 

You know, you're right behind me, two weeks? we said.  I'm not ready to write a success story, but from where I was (not so good), how I feel now is nothing short of amazing.  We do heal.

 

So feel better, and don't lose hope.

[[Gr...]]

Hi Green,

 

The same thing happened to me I got much better mental clarity around month 12, its amazing isn't it? Such a nice feeling to be able to think clearly. I'm so happy to read this about you! Your next Peace!!

 

Thank you, Jenny.  And, yes, Peace is next.

 

I agree! Peace is next! Do you hear us Benzo spirits?!? Be gone!

 

In all seriousness, your love brought tears to my eyes. It's you who prove to me time and again that I will not be left behind. No one gets left behind.

 

Peace2

 

Peace,

 

I was the one who said no one gets left behind, when it was very, very dark for all of us.  And I still believe that.  I really see myself staying until we all write success stories.  So don't get better and go back to your life without writing one!!

 

It is almost impossible to explain the bizarre nature of the suffering we feel.  It's like walking around alone in a painful parallel universe.  Then when we feel better we get to join the rest of the world.  then we get waves and we're relegated, alone, to the dark shadow universe.  Only we're not alone, thank God, we have each other here. 

[[Gr...]]

Hey all my struggling buddies.  Just checking in to report that at 15 months out (plus a concurrent sentence, well, I HOPE it's been concurrent of 23 months off Oxycodone) I'm waking up feeling really good and focused on getting this house decorated for Christmas.  That's the real miracle, when you're well enough to just be thinking about your life like a regular person who's not in withdrawal.  Believe me, I'm fully away I may not be entirely out of the woods yet, but on my No Fear Plan, I will just go with the good flow, just for today!

 

Hang in there everybody.  We have something that will be cured WITHOUT GOING TO THE DOCTORS.  Yay!

 

FJ, you go, girl, go decorate that house!  Yay.  and, yes, it's very empowering when we feel better, when we get healed, and we realize that everything they told us here on BB is true.  And that we healed ourselves from the effects of medication, and we didn't succumb to the fatal error of more medication.  Yay, indeed!

[[Gr...]]

Good Sunday morning!

I love to read that so many of us are feeling significantly better. That makes me so happy! Yes, some days are still crappy, but the trend is toward healing. I believe that 12-24 months will the Year of Being Healed.

 

Nova, as always, I love your analogies! I still get grabbed by the "car wash gang" and I will try to look at it as cleaning/healing. I've always struggled with seeing my symptoms as healing.  This has been especially true past the one-year mark when waves make me afraid I am getting worse, that somehow a wave will "stick" and become permanent.

 

I've been in a wavy trend, up and down again. I have that unspecific, physical anxiety, some light depression, and some areas of muscular and joint pain that rolls in and rolls out.  I'm due to start my period, so I know that is not helping the matter.

 

I had a realization on Thursday, a few hours into a spike of this wave, while at school.  I was back to my "I'm going to die right now" thought pattern because of my physical anxiety symptoms, but then I realized that how I was feeling, uncomfortable as it was, would have been one of my BETTER days last year.  It felt really bad because my window/baseline days are so effortless now.  SO much healing has happened, and continues to happen!

 

I still get fear with my waves, not sure if it's caused by my symptoms or IS a symptom on its own, but despite that fear and the lies it brings, I do know we will heal.  I'm holding on to the TRUTH that where we are right now is not the normal we will have when this is done.

 

Praying for continued and final healing for us all.  It WILL happen! 

 

HH,

 

I get that fear with the anxiety/panic spike.  I don't know what to call it.  Like what starts out as anxiety, that has in the past morphed into panic, but when it's not full blown, it's a flash of anxiety followed by maybe tingles and then a sweat.. So sometimes I've noticed the flash is just plain fear, followed by tingles and the sweat. I'm doing a bad job of explaining this.  In short, I'm pretty sure the fear is a symptom.

 

Also, a friend suggested to me I "lean into" the anxiety and panic and fear, literally lean forward and meet it.  this helps somewhat, as long as it's not a major wave.  Then of course it just has to run its course.

 

Hoping these pass for you soon.

[[He...]]

Sue, I am SO happy to hear how good you are feeling!! This makes my heart sing! 

 

I think you are right that the fear is a symptom. I also think it's somewhat of a natural response to not quite trusting our bodies yet, but I think it will diminish in time with all the rest.  I agree with your friend about leaning into the anxiety.  I do that by pushing through, staying the course of what I had planned. It always gets worse for me if I try to run away or avoid, no matter how badly I would want to at the time.

 

Today I have a full agenda, and I'll be practicing some of that leaning in.  Making wreaths with my mom, lesson plans for the upcoming week, taking my younger daughter to try-outs for her traveling volleyball team, writing a paper for my masters, and cleaning the house so we can start decorating. Life is good, even in a wave. Lean in, lean in.

[[Co...]]

Wow....tons of healing going on here! ...

.......Michael, love your " car wash "....sounds right. I have been following your posts and you sound like you are on your way out of this wave. I am so sorry for your anxiety last week. You are a constant lesson to me in " frame of mind " while healing and reeling. We love you so much here

......Green....I am just so absolutely beyond happy for you ....and reading your posts over and over....and over. Your posts make it possible for me to believe that healing can and does " just happen "....no matter what we do or don't do....that enduring and surviving is at the center of this exile from our normal selves and love..Months ago you said,  " We all heal and nobody is getting left behind ". ... your words became a mantra to me and now here we are watching as you are approaching a success story...  keep talkin ' to us....it gives us so much hope and I courage.

......Peace....you Mighty Girl....you are so much closer than you know. I so love your honesty and have never stopped being amazed at your determination through the worst of waves.

....HH....I am following you and taking courage from your posts. At 15 months you are sounding so on the cusp of 100%....I am at 13 months and looking for yours and Green's footprints at every step....I just cant wait to read all of our success stories by this time next year.

....Jrod....I think you and I are jump buddies. I truly think we are on the downhill side of this long long uphill climb. You are sounding good....We are closing in on it...before we know it we will be looking at month 18.....unbelievable....

.....We are all healing.  Just like Green said.....coop

 

 

 

[[Co...]]

FJ.....So happy to hear . ...It is so wonderful to wake up and feel like your  " normal" self.  and feel like getting ready for Christmas without slogging through mental quicksand. You are healing. I am so excited about walking through these next month's with our group. I love it that we can follow each other day to day and watch everyone's lives open up again . It feels important to me that we have each other all the way as the wavy days in the midst of strings of windows and 100% days can spook us and discourage us in a different way than they did in the first 6 months. ... FJ.  Enjoy your tree.  coop

[[Co...]]

Hi 6-12 buddies.  So much good news here. Me too....I had a wonderful time with my grandsons and son and daughter in law and my daughter and my ex.  It was so much fun ( even my daughter in law enjoyed herself and gave me some great advice on how to finish up a not quite done egg casserole in the micro). ....My grandsons decorated my tree and my son untangled all the lights from last year ( what the heck do those lights do in their boxes all year? . Every year I very carefully put them back in the boxes all neat and tidy.  and every Christmas they emerge in a jumble that challenges a jigsaw puzzle).

    Today, ..  I am more wavy than I have been in awhile. I feel that my baseline is still good ( 85%) .. and as Green says, I very much feel like I have hold on my mind. . with clarity even though I have some minor ongoing cog fog, if that makes sense. I have some moderate health fear trying to tease me and I am tired after a night of interrupted sleep. Th2 week improvement is e sleep was an RA issue , body pain. I have some slight but persistent dizziness.  but NO head pressure...I will take it.

... This all just feels like straggle ends ...a little hodge podge of irritating knats. I am somewhat disappointed that some of the ' glow' of 90% consistent 2 week improvement is not quite as bright today ,but I don't have the gripping fear that I am dying or the hopelessness of thinking that I will never heal. It just feels like a little bit of a down day that will most likely brighten up this evening or in the morning . In the meantime I am just " being with" it and trying to stay mellow with some mindless movies and playing with my new phone. Just as someone said earlier, as recently as 3 months ago this kind of day would have been counted as a " good " day...so I am not complaining. But I will say I want what Green is having...lol.

.....thank you buddies for being here. I plan to stay on until 24 months because I just can't wait to watch the next 6 months of group healing. I go off from time to time because I just need to take short breaks from it time to time. I can't imagine not being in touch and connected and following all of you...my dear BB friends....coop

[[Co...]]

HH... yes, I think fear is a sx ...and it feeds off of physical sx. I am just recently ( within the last few days) been able to experience some physical sx without falling into looping fear). It is a tough one because it turns into a spin so fast. I am pretty sure that I will be doing some cleanup with a therapist regarding health fear when I am done with this...However on a 90% day to day baseline, and certainly during a window I don't have fear.  at all. That is what makes,me feel that the fear is and always has been a w/d sx.

.....keep the faith HH.  I honestly think we are over the hump...coop

[[He...]]

Quote I just read elsewhere and thought it was a good one:

            "The best views come from the hardest climbs."

 

 

I can't wait for the view! It's going to be great....I keep capturing glimpses.

[[Sk...]]

hi everybody, I am following your posts, or lurking as Sue used to say but I am having a hard time participating.

 

Hope to join in myself tomorrow. Great to hear such nice posts. Take care everybody.

[[mr...]]

hi everybody, I am following your posts, or lurking as Sue used to say but I am having a hard time participating.

 

Hope to join in myself tomorrow. Great to hear such nice posts. Take care everybody.

 

Happy 13 month anniversary, Sky

 

Mrs.

[[ga...]]

I haven't been on in quite some time.  Glad to see so many BB's doing well.  It is a long road but we all get there.  I am at 17 months and still gradually improving with minor setbacks.  The sleep is  gradually improving  No meds. I can fall asleep most nights.  Still my biggest concern is the early wakeups and the depressed and anxious thoughts about the future.  I still can't help but think this has more to do with some issues I dealt with throughout my life.  I just can't imagine it is w/d still.  I always have had a fear of being alone and as I am closing in on age 60 that fear is something I wrestle with.  It is not reality it is just something that I can't eliminate from my mind.

 

Anyhow..I will stay in touch now and then and hope to see the continued improvement for all.

[[Co...]]

Hi Garton...really nice to see you again. Last time I followed you you were getting ready for heart stress tests.  Hope they all came back excellent. ...I am happy to hear that overall you are feeling progress. I can relate to fears that might be part of who we are and intensified in the w/d process. I still struggle with health fears that I did not have until I had a sudden vertigo episode from an undiagnosed inner ear problem It was that event that began my journey with ativan. The vertigo  episode was crazy scary and I still worry sometimes that I will have another major episode, I have had some minor episodes but nothing like the first one. I am sure that my health fears now are a mean mix of the w/d process and lingering fear from the vertigo trauma...like you I am older ( older than you at 65) so that plays into all of it to. ..

  Garton, I think you are getting a lot of progress, I remember last winter when sleep and palps tortured you. ...I don't know if you read the post a few months back referencing the Canadian addiction specialist who believes that healing first appears solid and reliable at around 24 months. I think my experience is following that track. Things are much better, but I can see this process easily taking another year to feel even close to done.

.  .So good to see you here Garton.  coop

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Thanks so much Coop.....the heart issues turned out to be nothing to get overly excited about.  PVC's, palpitations are quite normal and for me my new normal is having them while working out.  Just a change in what I use to experience.  I will learn to live with them.  Nice thing I find that they come and go and recently stopped altogether.  I just WILL NOT worry about them anymore.

 

What amazes me is that the early morning get ups along with the worry, depression etc. takes such a hold...but it is gone pretty much when I am up and distracted.  No doubt things are better for me.  Progress and healing are occurring.  If I could just find a way to stay asleep in the early morning hours I think I would have it licked.

 

Best to you and all others on the board during the holiday season.

 

Garton

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Garton, my mornings were exactly like that from months 4-11. Early wake ups with dread, fear, intrusive thoughts,,cortisol surges and depression. I had to fly out of bed as soon as I woke up and take the dog out. Taking the dog out was scary because I was sure I was going to have a heart attack while out. Usually by the time we got back in (20-30 minutes) things were getting better ( much more so in months 8-11). ....Now.  just in the last 2 weeks I feel mostly normal and can get up lazily.. I was even able to go back to sleep until 8 am once last week. I haven't been able to sleep past 530- 630 for 18 months let alone wake up, turn over and go back to sleep. Things are just going to keep getting bether for you Garton....So happy to hear that your pvcs are normal...AND disappearing.  Your story makes me really hopeful that healing happens for all of us...and 24 months is typical.  thanks so much for coming back on and posting to us.  Coop

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I will keep you up to date as time goes on.  I'll remember that 24 month target and hopefully by then my sleep will be where I want it.  I just don't want to make that big of a deal out of it at this point. Downplaying is probably the best way to handle it. There is a part of me that gets frets over this being my new normal. Worrying about what may be is such a horrible way to live.  I will keep hoping for improvement in that area...just some of my OCD kicking in.  I guess there is no guarantee that some of the original issues we suffered from will disappear into thin air.  It is all about how we handle those issues going forward.  I do know now that will be without any benzos.