12-18 month support

[[Co...]]

Oh my god you guys! It's been almost 3 weeks of complete torture for me. I can't belive I'm this sick at 15 months out! I just can't believe it! I'm worse than acute. No sign of it letting up. I feel so sick and can barely even walk. Why now? I really think that peppermint tea set me back in a bad way.

[[mr...]]

Oh my god you guys! It's been almost 3 weeks of complete torture for me. I can't belive I'm this sick at 15 months out! I just can't believe it! I'm worse than acute. No sign of it letting up. I feel so sick and can barely even walk. Why now? I really think that peppermint tea set me back in a bad way.

 

Hang loose Cool. Its probably just that (in)famous wave we hear of some buddies getting! But not to worry, cause directly following it is the best baseline you've ever had!

 

No other changes for you, right? No stopping magnesium, alcohol, marijuana, etc? No changes to diet? No changes to stress levels? No changes to exercise? No changes to other meds? Etc? Either way, buddy, it doesn't really matter -- it doesn't change the fact that this will pass

 

Thinking of you buddy

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Nothing has changed at all. The only thing I did different was drink the tea daily for 3 weeks. I'm barely eating but my diet hasn't changed. I barely walk but I wasn't exercising anyway. I'm pretty much bedridden. I don't take any supplements they all flare me up. I felt better when I drank the tea. I should have known better! I'm so pissed off at myself!

[[Fi...]]

A little report of healing here:  I have been avoiding being with my mother one on one for the past month since I slid into a long, bad wave.  Getting her moved to a new apartment just wore me out and I crashed before I could get the last of her pictures hung up for her.  Although other relatives have passed through and visited her, her last, smallest pictures remained right there on the kitchen counters, waiting for me, I guess.    Going with my plan of only planning the very next hour, I called her this afternoon to make sure she was home.  Just talking to her made my blood pressure spike and my pulse race.  Don't get the idea she's saying nasty, dysfunctional type things here!  She's just talking without stopping, no real conversation.  It bugs my brain!  Anyway, I went over there and started in.  Even though I asked her nicely not to talk to me while I was making mental calculations etc., she just kept talking.  Finally I put down the hammer, went in and sat down with her.  "Mom," I said, "I'm still sick.  My pulse races and my blood pressure spikes when I try to make my brain do too much at one time.  I really want to get this job done for you, but I can't unless you can stop talking while I do it."  She was very sweet and just thanked me for explaining.  Then she shut up and I got those pictures up.  Yay   My heart calmed down and afterward I even sat there and had a nice cup of tea and a cookie with her, admiring her new apartment--which I steered her into!  This makes me feel I really am healing because I could see that our relationship is not hopelessly torn, it's just that EVERYONE is driven crazy when she chatters like this at them, and I am still at a place where I can't handle it so well.  When I am fully healed I'm sure I will once again have more patience.    I am calling today a good day.  If I hadn't been through this so many times before I'd be declaring myself well, but it's pretty clear to me by now that it's completely possible to feel this good and still have some pit times yet to go.  Still, eventually there won't be any more slides, right?  Maybe it's now!

[[Sk...]]

  "Mom," I said, "I'm still sick.  My pulse races and my blood pressure spikes when I try to make my brain do too much at one time.  I really want to get this job done for you, but I can't unless you can stop talking while I do it." 

 

Finally, Mr Sky does this, I am fighting to follow some thought and he starts saying something and I lose my thread! If I am invoicing my clients, and trust  me that is a struggle !, I just tell him I need absolute concentration. 

 

Anyway, it's great that you were able to talk about it. I don't know how you managed to help her so much.

[[Sk...]]

Falling, Green, great stuff here.

 

But what I really wanted to know is at Christmas should I just avoid the people that hurt me  in order not to get upset ?Sue, I am not like you, I am not as strong emotionally. Of course, I love these people, it 's just that now I know what they would do when/if I ever get some sort of Alzheimer. I love these people, but I do not trust them anymore.

 

Green, how do you know id you are in a codependent relationship ? YOu are so brave.

 

I know my healing is still quite far away by the fact that there is still so much anger in me.

 

FAlling, are you sure we are not getting a medal at the end of all this ? We really will not be hailed as heroes after all this ? I was sort of counting on this !

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

Sky, I don't know if I'm brave.  I know I was unhappy in my romantic relationship and I'm doing something about it.  And it's a lot of work, yes.

 

As far as the holidays, you and your family, I don't know what you should do.  I think from what you've said you want to see your mom, and it's been a long time since you have.

 

Why do you have to make any decisions?  Why do you have to do anything?  Why not just show up and ignore the elephant in the room.  Let someone else do the work, bring up the subject? Or not. 

 

I need to PM you

 

Green, thanks for your suggestions. I realize I ask a lot, sorry. I just don't trust my instincts a lot these days. I feel like I have been drunk for 13 months and what decisions would you take when you are drunk ? except the decision of not taking decisions !

 

But yes, we tend to want to do all the work, we tend to feel guilty at some level. You are right.

 

Visiting my mother is a no brainer. I would have visited this summer if my money situation had not been so bad. I only wonder if she understands things are different and she can't just pile her problems at my feet.

She also has a hard time listening/accepting what has happened. She said, " don't tell  me these things, it really pains me ". Not to mention me ! I don't get to walk away from this even for just  10 minutes .

 

It's the other relatives that I have misgivings about. But you are all right. I must let go, quit overthinking ( hard, my brain now does just that !) and breathe. Thanks, I needed to hear this.

 

My 80 year old uncle had a great reaction when he did find out. He was kept in the dark for many months, not to upset him, whatever. He rang me first thing and was so mad, indignant. We spoke briefly, but I felt better. Then he called me again to check up, to wish me happy easter.

THat is what I needed, no matter how childish it sounds, and it does sound childish.

 

BTW, about depression. A couple of days ago, I had two hours of depression, real unquestionable depression. It was awful, I can't imagine how other buddies manage to go for months, weeks like that. ANd then, just like that, it lifted, and I am so greatful.

 

Hang in there. Have a nice day everybody.

 

 

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Friday, Dec. 5

 

I look upon a year lived as a year earned; and each year earned means a greater treasury of experience and power laid up against time of need.

 

Anna Botsford Comstock

 

[[pe...]]

Hi Friends. I need a bit of help as I'm spinning..... Again! I wrote this on my progress log:

 

I am 'better' and I am sick and scared. Things are not right in my body. I am revved up, scared, always on edge and exhausted. I am messing with supplements again. Overall, I think they have very little positive effect. I've taken so many throughout this storm and have not been able to find clear relief, but maybe a little relief here and there. So, I've dropped a lot and continue to drop. I want to be off everything. But that scares me. I went off St. John's wort and 5htp two and a half weeks ago. I think that was a good choice. Now, I'm dropping fish oil and vitamin b along with zinc. So, that leaves a little magnesium, calcium, vitamin d, vitamin c and the amino acid ps - which I started a week ago.

I feel weird, that's typical! I just feel scared and buzzy and slightly out of touch. I don't know that I would feel differently regardless of anything I was doing with the supplements. I suppose I'll know soon enough if dropping those supplements has a clear positive or negative effect. But that's kind of the problem, nothing is clear in benzo withdrawal. 

I feel a tad bit unsafe, like I'm really going to go crazy but I think that's just a very high state of anxiety. 

Puzzling through this on my own is such a joke. I don't know what the hell I'm doing!!

 

 

Could someone tell me their view on the supplements? It doesn't matter? It matters a lot? Leave things alone? One thing at a time? That's the part I'm so bad at! Just changing one thing at a time. Maybe I've answered my own question...

 

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Peace, supplements really crank up my anxiety and other sx. Even the smallest dose of magnesium. I'm deficient in vitamin d so I started taking it and lasted 2 days. Anxiety went through the roof. The B vitamins and fish oil are the worst ones for me. Vitamin C and zinc also reved me up. That's just me though. Might help to lay off all of it for a while just to see.

[[He...]]

Hi Friends. I need a bit of help as I'm spinning..... Again! I wrote this on my progress log:

 

I am 'better' and I am sick and scared. Things are not right in my body. I am revved up, scared, always on edge and exhausted. I am messing with supplements again. Overall, I think they have very little positive effect. I've taken so many throughout this storm and have not been able to find clear relief, but maybe a little relief here and there. So, I've dropped a lot and continue to drop. I want to be off everything. But that scares me. I went off St. John's wort and 5htp two and a half weeks ago. I think that was a good choice. Now, I'm dropping fish oil and vitamin b along with zinc. So, that leaves a little magnesium, calcium, vitamin d, vitamin c and the amino acid ps - which I started a week ago.

I feel weird, that's typical! I just feel scared and buzzy and slightly out of touch. I don't know that I would feel differently regardless of anything I was doing with the supplements. I suppose I'll know soon enough if dropping those supplements has a clear positive or negative effect. But that's kind of the problem, nothing is clear in benzo withdrawal. 

I feel a tad bit unsafe, like I'm really going to go crazy but I think that's just a very high state of anxiety. 

Puzzling through this on my own is such a joke. I don't know what the hell I'm doing!!

 

 

Could someone tell me their view on the supplements? It doesn't matter? It matters a lot? Leave things alone? One thing at a time? That's the part I'm so bad at! Just changing one thing at a time. Maybe I've answered my own question...

 

Peace2

 

Hi Peace,

I'm so sorry that you are struggling again.  This healing process sucks SO bad! 

 

Here is my take on supplements:  they are NOT going to give us clear relief.  If taking a vitamin or an herb or whatever could actually heal us, then everyone would know about it and we all wouldn't be in this mess.  The only way to get that "clear relief" is through the passage of time.

 

HOWEVER, I DO take some vitamins and they seem to help somewhat.  I take a calcium/magnesium/zinc combo every night before going to bed.  I truly believe, even after my early scare with magnesium, that it is beneficial.  It seems to help me sleep better.  I also take Emergen-C packets throughout the day, as needed.  I have found that vitamin C can calm me down when my anxiety is really high.  If I'm starting to panic, or if my anxiety is simply bubbling up and feeling toxic, I drink a packet of the Emergen-C and it seems to take the edge off....sometimes even stopping it.  They are not magic bullets, but they are not doing any harm and seem to actually help. 

 

I understand the feeling that things are not right in your body.  That's how I feel at times, too.....and for good reason, things are NOT right in our bodies.  They are healing from damage to our CNS.  I am in my pms week, so I am starting to feel revved up, scared, and exhausted.  UGH. 

 

(((hugs))) to you!

 

[[He...]]

A little report of healing here:  I have been avoiding being with my mother one on one for the past month since I slid into a long, bad wave.  Getting her moved to a new apartment just wore me out and I crashed before I could get the last of her pictures hung up for her.  Although other relatives have passed through and visited her, her last, smallest pictures remained right there on the kitchen counters, waiting for me, I guess.    Going with my plan of only planning the very next hour, I called her this afternoon to make sure she was home.  Just talking to her made my blood pressure spike and my pulse race.  Don't get the idea she's saying nasty, dysfunctional type things here!  She's just talking without stopping, no real conversation.  It bugs my brain!  Anyway, I went over there and started in.  Even though I asked her nicely not to talk to me while I was making mental calculations etc., she just kept talking.  Finally I put down the hammer, went in and sat down with her.  "Mom," I said, "I'm still sick.  My pulse races and my blood pressure spikes when I try to make my brain do too much at one time.  I really want to get this job done for you, but I can't unless you can stop talking while I do it."  She was very sweet and just thanked me for explaining.  Then she shut up and I got those pictures up.  Yay   My heart calmed down and afterward I even sat there and had a nice cup of tea and a cookie with her, admiring her new apartment--which I steered her into!  This makes me feel I really am healing because I could see that our relationship is not hopelessly torn, it's just that EVERYONE is driven crazy when she chatters like this at them, and I am still at a place where I can't handle it so well.  When I am fully healed I'm sure I will once again have more patience.    I am calling today a good day.  If I hadn't been through this so many times before I'd be declaring myself well, but it's pretty clear to me by now that it's completely possible to feel this good and still have some pit times yet to go.  Still, eventually there won't be any more slides, right?  Maybe it's now!

 

FJ,

This is awesome! 

HH

[[Gr...]]

A little report of healing here:  I have been avoiding being with my mother one on one for the past month since I slid into a long, bad wave.  Getting her moved to a new apartment just wore me out and I crashed before I could get the last of her pictures hung up for her.  Although other relatives have passed through and visited her, her last, smallest pictures remained right there on the kitchen counters, waiting for me, I guess.    Going with my plan of only planning the very next hour, I called her this afternoon to make sure she was home.  Just talking to her made my blood pressure spike and my pulse race.  Don't get the idea she's saying nasty, dysfunctional type things here!  She's just talking without stopping, no real conversation.  It bugs my brain!  Anyway, I went over there and started in.  Even though I asked her nicely not to talk to me while I was making mental calculations etc., she just kept talking.  Finally I put down the hammer, went in and sat down with her.  "Mom," I said, "I'm still sick.  My pulse races and my blood pressure spikes when I try to make my brain do too much at one time.  I really want to get this job done for you, but I can't unless you can stop talking while I do it."  She was very sweet and just thanked me for explaining.  Then she shut up and I got those pictures up.  Yay   My heart calmed down and afterward I even sat there and had a nice cup of tea and a cookie with her, admiring her new apartment--which I steered her into!  This makes me feel I really am healing because I could see that our relationship is not hopelessly torn, it's just that EVERYONE is driven crazy when she chatters like this at them, and I am still at a place where I can't handle it so well.  When I am fully healed I'm sure I will once again have more patience.    I am calling today a good day.  If I hadn't been through this so many times before I'd be declaring myself well, but it's pretty clear to me by now that it's completely possible to feel this good and still have some pit times yet to go.  Still, eventually there won't be any more slides, right?  Maybe it's now!

 

FJ,

I visit my ex in a nursing home 1 to 2x per week.  When I'm in a bad wave I find the whole thing intolerable, really intolerable.  He has vascular dementia and goes on mindlessly, but he's an ex cop and his chatter is mostly about shooting everyone!! harmless normally, though.  So I relate hugely.  When I'm in a bad wave, I don't have anything to give, I'm just barely surviving.  And I go through terrible guilt when I can't get up there.

[[Gr...]]

Falling, Green, great stuff here.

 

But what I really wanted to know is at Christmas should I just avoid the people that hurt me  in order not to get upset ?Sue, I am not like you, I am not as strong emotionally. Of course, I love these people, it 's just that now I know what they would do when/if I ever get some sort of Alzheimer. I love these people, but I do not trust them anymore.

 

Green, how do you know id you are in a codependent relationship ? YOu are so brave.

 

I know my healing is still quite far away by the fact that there is still so much anger in me.

 

FAlling, are you sure we are not getting a medal at the end of all this ? We really will not be hailed as heroes after all this ? I was sort of counting on this !

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

Sky, I don't know if I'm brave.  I know I was unhappy in my romantic relationship and I'm doing something about it.  And it's a lot of work, yes.

 

As far as the holidays, you and your family, I don't know what you should do.  I think from what you've said you want to see your mom, and it's been a long time since you have.

 

Why do you have to make any decisions?  Why do you have to do anything?  Why not just show up and ignore the elephant in the room.  Let someone else do the work, bring up the subject? Or not. 

 

I need to PM you

 

Green, thanks for your suggestions. I realize I ask a lot, sorry. I just don't trust my instincts a lot these days. I feel like I have been drunk for 13 months and what decisions would you take when you are drunk ? except the decision of not taking decisions !

 

But yes, we tend to want to do all the work, we tend to feel guilty at some level. You are right.

 

Visiting my mother is a no brainer. I would have visited this summer if my money situation had not been so bad. I only wonder if she understands things are different and she can't just pile her problems at my feet.

She also has a hard time listening/accepting what has happened. She said, " don't tell  me these things, it really pains me ". Not to mention me ! I don't get to walk away from this even for just  10 minutes .

 

It's the other relatives that I have misgivings about. But you are all right. I must let go, quit overthinking ( hard, my brain now does just that !) and breathe. Thanks, I needed to hear this.

 

My 80 year old uncle had a great reaction when he did find out. He was kept in the dark for many months, not to upset him, whatever. He rang me first thing and was so mad, indignant. We spoke briefly, but I felt better. Then he called me again to check up, to wish me happy easter.

THat is what I needed, no matter how childish it sounds, and it does sound childish.

 

BTW, about depression. A couple of days ago, I had two hours of depression, real unquestionable depression. It was awful, I can't imagine how other buddies manage to go for months, weeks like that. ANd then, just like that, it lifted, and I am so greatful.

 

Hang in there. Have a nice day everybody.

 

Sky, your 80 year old uncle, concerned about you, that's a gift.  That's all we ask really, is that someone be a little concerned about us.  People dance around, they minimize, they tell us what we should be doing to cure it, they do everything but acknowledge that we're suffering, and that's all we want, acknowledgment.  Is he going to be there at Christmas?  There's your answer.  All you need is one person.

[[Gr...]]

Hi Friends. I need a bit of help as I'm spinning..... Again! I wrote this on my progress log:

 

I am 'better' and I am sick and scared. Things are not right in my body. I am revved up, scared, always on edge and exhausted. I am messing with supplements again. Overall, I think they have very little positive effect. I've taken so many throughout this storm and have not been able to find clear relief, but maybe a little relief here and there. So, I've dropped a lot and continue to drop. I want to be off everything. But that scares me. I went off St. John's wort and 5htp two and a half weeks ago. I think that was a good choice. Now, I'm dropping fish oil and vitamin b along with zinc. So, that leaves a little magnesium, calcium, vitamin d, vitamin c and the amino acid ps - which I started a week ago.

I feel weird, that's typical! I just feel scared and buzzy and slightly out of touch. I don't know that I would feel differently regardless of anything I was doing with the supplements. I suppose I'll know soon enough if dropping those supplements has a clear positive or negative effect. But that's kind of the problem, nothing is clear in benzo withdrawal. 

I feel a tad bit unsafe, like I'm really going to go crazy but I think that's just a very high state of anxiety. 

Puzzling through this on my own is such a joke. I don't know what the hell I'm doing!!

 

 

Could someone tell me their view on the supplements? It doesn't matter? It matters a lot? Leave things alone? One thing at a time? That's the part I'm so bad at! Just changing one thing at a time. Maybe I've answered my own question...

 

Peace2

 

Peace,

 

I had tried whey protein around month 6-7, which I think had an amino acid, and I stopped sleeping for weeks.  I discontinued.  Could have been a coincidence.  That's the problem with the supps, we never can tell if they help or hurt our symptoms.

 

I was able to start fish oil at around the same time, 6-7 months.  Then the nausea kicked up and I had to stop it.

 

I take 3 mg of melatonin, 200 mg of magnesium, and two Advil before bed.  That's it.  I have a cabinet full of supplements. The thought of putting one in my mouth repulses me.  I think my CNS is very sensitive and doesn't want anything.

 

Hang on, this is going to get so much better for you.  You're going to be amazed.  It's going to happen in one minute. 

[[Fi...]]

Green--in one of my novels the main character observes that there are two kinds of people in the world, those who dislike making visits to nursing homes and so don't do it, and those who dislike making visits to nursing homes and go anyway.    You're a saint to me if you're making these visits when you're sick yourself and it's your ex!  I don't know how it works with exes but surely you're absolved of some of the sickness and health stuff the still married have to keep in mind.  I say, if you're in a wave and this is hard, for God's sake, don't go.  And don't feel guilty.  Give yourself a pass!

 

About Sky's 80-year-old uncle.  Exactly!  It has frustrated and pained me endlessly to be made to feel that I'm so needy and nobody knows what to say and therefore says nothing etc.  And I'm talking about my own kids!  One of my husband's brothers has been sweet and in a couple of e-mails over the two years has said he's rooting for me and expressed true concern.  He had no idea how much this meant to me!  He had no idea how little of this I had received.  A couple other instances of concern and kindness from strangers really jump out at me, simply because it made me realize how much I'd been craving this.  Just a little KINDNESS, for crying out loud.  Isn't this whole thing bad enough without feeling we're being punished on top of it?

 

As for all this talk of supplements, I think it's just sad that everybody knocks their lights out trying to find another magic pill that will fix everything and then a lot of people freak out because they think whatever they've tried has made them worse, so there's another excuse for beating up on themselves.  It seems pretty clear that THIS IS ALL ABOUT WITHDRAWAL FROM BENZOS and only time would fix it.  As somebody said, if there was a magic pill, we'd have passed that knowledge around already, right?  I take magnesium powder to help prevent migraines and some extra D.  That's it.  And this is a protocol I've been on since way before all this.  I think my healing is taking as long as it's going to take no matter what I do!

 

That said, I'm feeling good today.  I'm thinking more about what I might try to DO today rather than how I feel.  But I am so much older and wiser now than when I started this.  For me, it's still going to be one day, one hour at a time.

[[pe...]]

Thank you, thank you, thank you for weighing in on the supplement question. It has plagued me through this whole thing. "There's got to be something that will help!" And so I've tried just about everything and pretty randomly. Here I am - super afraid that if i stop taking fish oil I'm going to lose my mind! Ahhhh! Such a beast this whole thing is. My fiddling around is fear based. It's all fear.

 

I love your responses and believe they are true. I just have to hold on and let time pass. I know I kick and scream a lot and it's a bother - I think it's also how I've managed to get this far.

 

Sky- I love everything Green said about the holidays. We need to be seen and our suffering acknowledged, not fixed, just acknowledged and we only need one person at any given time or event who is engaged with us in that way.

 

Love you all.

Peace2

 

[[Gr...]]

Green--in one of my novels the main character observes that there are two kinds of people in the world, those who dislike making visits to nursing homes and so don't do it, and those who dislike making visits to nursing homes and go anyway.    You're a saint to me if you're making these visits when you're sick yourself and it's your ex!  I don't know how it works with exes but surely you're absolved of some of the sickness and health stuff the still married have to keep in mind.  I say, if you're in a wave and this is hard, for God's sake, don't go.  And don't feel guilty.  Give yourself a pass!

 

About Sky's 80-year-old uncle.  Exactly!  It has frustrated and pained me endlessly to be made to feel that I'm so needy and nobody knows what to say and therefore says nothing etc.  And I'm talking about my own kids!  One of my husband's brothers has been sweet and in a couple of e-mails over the two years has said he's rooting for me and expressed true concern.  He had no idea how much this meant to me!  He had no idea how little of this I had received.  A couple other instances of concern and kindness from strangers really jump out at me, simply because it made me realize how much I'd been craving this.  Just a little KINDNESS, for crying out loud.  Isn't this whole thing bad enough without feeling we're being punished on top of it?

 

As for all this talk of supplements, I think it's just sad that everybody knocks their lights out trying to find another magic pill that will fix everything and then a lot of people freak out because they think whatever they've tried has made them worse, so there's another excuse for beating up on themselves.  It seems pretty clear that THIS IS ALL ABOUT WITHDRAWAL FROM BENZOS and only time would fix it.  As somebody said, if there was a magic pill, we'd have passed that knowledge around already, right?  I take magnesium powder to help prevent migraines and some extra D.  That's it.  And this is a protocol I've been on since way before all this.  I think my healing is taking as long as it's going to take no matter what I do!

 

That said, I'm feeling good today.  I'm thinking more about what I might try to DO today rather than how I feel.  But I am so much older and wiser now than when I started this.  For me, it's still going to be one day, one hour at a time.

 

FJ, you hit a home run with this post, all good stuff, lots of insight.

 

I'm not a saint, lol, by no means.  My ex had a major stroke at 65, it pretty much did him in.  Withdrawal left me in such a mess, a short trip to the nursing home was about all I could manage anyway.  And it took me out of myself, it was a form of distraction, and it helped him enormously.  I mostly don't have to say much, he goes on and on, and I know he's grateful I'm there.

 

How can I condemn people not being there for me when I was sick, if I wasn't willing to be there for someone else, even a little?  When you have a stroke and go to a nursing home, it's over, people forget about you.  Most of the people up there have no visitors, their families have died or forgotten them.

 

Yes, just a little kindness.  Absolutely.  And don't look at me like I'm crazy, dammit! I kept trying to explain, listen, I'm really strong, I ran a marathon, I climbed mountains, this is really bad. 

 

Thing is, FJ, once you start feeling better, who was there, who wasn't, that becomes less important.  For me, anyway.  I've got this mental clarity since the last wave, and I feel emotionally very strong, not like a victim, not one bit.  I feel I came through the fire, like I've been to hell, and now I'm back.  I feel like I've learned some things about life, about myself, about people, how I relate now, how I used to relate.  It's a wonderful thing.  Silver lining of withdrawal?  Anyway, I don't know how long this will last, so I'm going to enjoy it!

[[Gr...]]

Thank you, thank you, thank you for weighing in on the supplement question. It has plagued me through this whole thing. "There's got to be something that will help!" And so I've tried just about everything and pretty randomly. Here I am - super afraid that if i stop taking fish oil I'm going to lose my mind! Ahhhh! Such a beast this whole thing is. My fiddling around is fear based. It's all fear.

 

I love your responses and believe they are true. I just have to hold on and let time pass. I know I kick and scream a lot and it's a bother - I think it's also how I've managed to get this far.

 

Sky- I love everything Green said about the holidays. We need to be seen and our suffering acknowledged, not fixed, just acknowledged and we only need one person at any given time or event who is engaged with us in that way.

 

Love you all.

Peace2

 

Peace, you kick and scream as much as you need to.  I'm ahead of you, and I'm telling you there are ups and downs, but this is going to end for you and your life is going to be wonderful.  I'm in that place now.  I had to wait behind Jenny and Life, then Coop, Nova.  It gets that much better.  I thought I was a hopeless case, you know I did.  And I am a lot better.  It happens on a dime, like the success stories say, it really does.  I know I'm not done, but there's hope here, we're all going to get better.

 

So hang tough, hang on, it's going to happen

[[Sk...]]

Green, it is great to hear you have such emotional clarity, it is so inspiring ! I hope it lasts, this might be the corner ? If it isn't we will be here to remind you of these days.

 

Anyway, Finally, Green,thanks for the responses and suggestions.

 

Peace, there are no magic pills. I started taking magnesium because things had gotten out of hand, especially during my period, so I risked it to see if it could calm things down. It was hard to imagine things any worse ! I couldn 't research it, too much benzo brain, so I bothered you guys with my questions and I had so much help !

 

See, I was scared too, everything I had taken, aspirins included, made me so sick.

 

I take 300 mg a day, I am not better, but my last period was not so hard on me or mr Sky and that is so cool. You have to ask yourself why you want to take supplements, what you are expecting from them.

 

Take care and let us know of course.

 

I am off to bed, have a nice evening everyone.

[[Fi...]]

Green-  sorry, I haven't figured out how to highlight in purple what people have written, but your last graph to me is exactly on target of how I have felt on occasion.  A couple of months ago, before I officially joined, before this past long, bad wave, I was at the gym feeling exactly like that.  Just totally kick butt.  Who cared whether people helped me out or paid any attention while I was sick?  I was gonna get well now and make new friends, make up for lost time etc.  I came home just HIGH.  Just now checked my charts and damned if that wasn't the day just before I slid into this previously unprecedented string of bad days.  Now I'm emerging from the bad times feeling better, but not high, just kind of steady.  I can believe I'm gonna get there.  Can't say I'm symptom free, but my brain is clear and I feel in no danger of falling off the cliff. 

 

One more thing about visiting your ex--certainly if we feel the things we do for others are appreciated, that's very good for us.

[[pe...]]

Recent post from a healed buddy:

 

Yes, I believed and was 100% convinced that I would never recover. Nobody could be sick with so many symptoms, all firing at once, and ever possibly survive it let alone recover. When we suffer for a very long time, and we can barely have one positive thought in this hell ride, we are convinced that we will be the exception. We are the oddball. We are never going to live normal lives like those who write success stories. Nope! Not gonna happen for me. Am I right?

 

You know it.

 

But, that is a bald face LIE! The entire benzo experience wouldn't even be possible without lies. And, lots of them. From bogus diagnosis of whatever reason we started taking them, to the doctors who refuse to expose what these drugs can do, to the ridiculous side effects and nightmare people deal with, to more doctors denying it and prescribing more drugs, to the horror of withdrawal and professionals lying about how this couldn't be withdrawal!

 

LIES!

 

As is the lie that we will never recover. You will recover. We were lied to so much that it's easy to believe recovery is a lie, too. It's not. Recovery is the truth. It's truth. And, each of you will see that truth in due time. You won't be left behind. You won't stay like this forever. You won't be the burden you may see yourself as becoming. That's not going to happen. That's a lie that keeps us living in fear.

 

The truth is that you are going to be free. The chains will drop off, and you will be free. No more symptoms, no more heaviness, no more darkness. No more bondage. No more a slave to pain.

 

Just freedom.

 

It will happen. Take that to the bank! And, you'll look back one day at your journey in disbelief and joy. It's in your past. You survived and conquered the beast. Everything else is small potatoes compared to the Abyss.

 

Merry Christmas to you! 🎄

Denise

[[mr...]]

That is friggin good stuff, Peace!!

 

Gaaaah! Needed to read that.

 

Hugs to you!

 

Mrs.

[[Gr...]]

Green-  sorry, I haven't figured out how to highlight in purple what people have written, but your last graph to me is exactly on target of how I have felt on occasion.  A couple of months ago, before I officially joined, before this past long, bad wave, I was at the gym feeling exactly like that.  Just totally kick butt.  Who cared whether people helped me out or paid any attention while I was sick?  I was gonna get well now and make new friends, make up for lost time etc.  I came home just HIGH.  Just now checked my charts and damned if that wasn't the day just before I slid into this previously unprecedented string of bad days.  Now I'm emerging from the bad times feeling better, but not high, just kind of steady.  I can believe I'm gonna get there.  Can't say I'm symptom free, but my brain is clear and I feel in no danger of falling off the cliff. 

 

One more thing about visiting your ex--certainly if we feel the things we do for others are appreciated, that's very good for us.

 

Not high, just kind of steady.  This is it, this is exactly where I am, I think where Coop is.  I'm still a little tired, started having nerve pain in my foot and leg -- but I know Jenny had this for a month, and it went away, so it doesn't faze me -- if this is it, if I can hold onto my brain, I can do the rest of this standing on my head.  I want to enjoy this, but I don't want to get so comfortable I can't adjust to rough times again.

 

FJ, let's hope this is it.  And if it isn't, hopefully it's manageable.

[[mr...]]

Green-  sorry, I haven't figured out how to highlight in purple what people have written, but your last graph to me is exactly on target of how I have felt on occasion.  A couple of months ago, before I officially joined, before this past long, bad wave, I was at the gym feeling exactly like that.  Just totally kick butt.  Who cared whether people helped me out or paid any attention while I was sick?  I was gonna get well now and make new friends, make up for lost time etc.  I came home just HIGH.  Just now checked my charts and damned if that wasn't the day just before I slid into this previously unprecedented string of bad days.  Now I'm emerging from the bad times feeling better, but not high, just kind of steady.  I can believe I'm gonna get there.  Can't say I'm symptom free, but my brain is clear and I feel in no danger of falling off the cliff.

 

One more thing about visiting your ex--certainly if we feel the things we do for others are appreciated, that's very good for us.

 

Not high, just kind of steady.  This is it, this is exactly where I am, I think where Coop is.  I'm still a little tired, started having nerve pain in my foot and leg -- but I know Jenny had this for a month, and it went away, so it doesn't faze me -- if this is it, if I can hold onto my brain, I can do the rest of this standing on my head.  I want to enjoy this, but I don't want to get so comfortable I can't adjust to rough times again.

 

FJ, let's hope this is it.  And if it isn't, hopefully it's manageable.

 

^^^This. Yes. Exactly this. I feel exactly the same way! Once the "brain" "stays within grasps", the rest of this will be spanked. Spanked!

 

Mrs

[[Co...]]

Guess I will weigh in on the supplement and relatives .  To me they are both unanswerable mysteris ...and moving targets.

.....supplements....Peace, you know I have tried several. They all didn't help at all or made things worse.  But that is just me ,others say certain supplements help. Vitamin B supplements revved me up like a motor, D made me nauseous, magnesium helped for about 5 days and then turned on me with anxiety and palps, although it helped my palps and my headaches before the 5 day crash ( don't know what that was all about), camomille tea that can't hurt a baby made me nauseous too. The biggest disappointment was Hylands Calm Forte, a homeopathic for calmness. Like ativan it seemed like a miracle. I took it 3x a day for ten days in a row ( and sang it's praises all over the forum..I so regret that). I swear to god it gave me interdose sx and I know I had acute w/d when I quit it . I took it right before 6 months off. I definitely think it made things so much worse. It's a freaking homeopathic...people give it to their little kids. I researched the insert information and finally wound my way through one link after another and waded through chemistry equations that I had no hope of understanding ...until I read that the ingredients of camomille, passion flower and lemon balm all attach to our benzo recrptors. It could all be coincidence, others on the alternative medication board swear up and down that it is gelpful, others say it didn't hurt or help.  I know the desperation of wanting to find SOMETHING.. ANYTHING that will help even for 5 minutes. I think it was only a few weeks ago I was on here crying to find something...anything for either headaches or depression ( I can't quite remember ).

  So at 13 months off I just don't try anything anymore. That doesn't mean that I don't wish with all my heart and soul that there was SOMETHING..ANYTHING for the unbearable days ...I just know that for me there isnt) . I have my 3 standbys..lavender Epsom salts bath soaks, aspirin for body pain and headaches and occ. dramamine for vertigo ( I had b taking meclazine , which is drammamine which is a form of benexryl for an inner ear condition before benzos..I hardly ever have to take it anymore). .  If my b/p spikes up over 140/80 for more than a day I take 6 Mg of atenolol at night until it behaves itself ..usually a day or two . I also haven't had to take that either for the past 4 or so weeks.

  ..I eat salmon 3x a week for fish oil.  eat as clean clean clean as possible...drink a funky congestion tea ( I swear it helps my ears)  one or two packets of EmergenC,  one clove crushed garlic, 1/2 tsp organic honey, some fresh squeezed lemon juice, black pepper and 1/4 tsp tumeric...sounds awful but it doesn't taste bad at all..really.  although I don't know of any self respecting child who would go near it. ..I drink a green smoothie with spinach and blueberries apple and pumpkin almost every morning. .  Who knows if any of it really helps ...I am also now eating chocolate, drinking decaf with a little leaded coffee added ...and last month I had a few Oz of red wine with my daughter...and this weekend I had a little more..  This is all I really know...time ,distraction, lavender Epsom salts soaks, and BBs...that's all I know...the rest is trial and error and all individual...

....Holiday relatives...I just don't give a flying rat's fig...getting through the holidays ( which to me are fought with unrealistic expectations and one day only sentiment). I focus on the one or two people who I know love me and care about me and have been there for me through the year. The rest of it I literally visualize it as rain rolling off the back of my imaginary slicker. My daughter in law really does not like me at all ..from the beginning she did not like me...and that is ok..she married my son not me. She has my permission not to like me. I think it could be a lot more fun if we we were more suited but we are not. I don't try to make it better ( although I did for a long time until I finally accepted that we are so different that it is just what it is)  I ' don't hear' the critical or dismissive remarks...don't take them personally and remind myself that my little grandsons hear and see everything and they will never ever see me be disagreeable with their mother...who they love. I totally focus on my son and daughter and my beautiful grandson. My ex will be joining us this year for xmas eve and he is always a great buffer against my daughter in law..he always throws me a compliment when she is listening....Beyond my daughter ,son, and grandsons it just doesn't matter.I love it when xmas is over and the expectations are gone and I am back to maintaining the very select relationships ( I am an introvert up and down) that I treasure and nurture. Being Buddhist as well as Catholic gives me a pass on some of the religious ' bigness' of the holidays. ...My advice for the holidays is.  " do not take ANYTHING personally...everyone is slightly crazed during the holidays...don't have expectations..nobody really gets xmas right...enjoy who and what you truly enjoy...and let it go...let it go...let it go ( lol)  have a glass of wine wit someone who cares about you when it is over and  look forward to the way fun new year  celebration.

...I don't think we can expect anyone to understand what we are going through except our friends on BB or real time friends who have gone through it...so we have to take care of ourselves and if others don't like it or are disappointed it really is their problem.

  ..Having said all of that ..I am off to bed...My son and daughter brought me xmas tree today and my grandsons are coming tomorrow...and my son and daughter to have brunch and decorate the tree..no more xmas hoopty-doos until xmas eve...it will unfold in its own way...

....Wishing everyone a peaceful night and sunbreaks tomorrow .  coop